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ego - n. - the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and mediates between the person and external reality.
This is not the way things were supposed to go. Takaya doesn't know for sure what's thrown off his life but something has, and he hates when the familiar suddenly becomes foreign.
And that is a blatant lie, because his life has been off-kilter since some guy who wore a suit and sunglasses and called him by another name showed up, since he watched a woman burst into flames, since Yuzuru started beating people up.
He doesn't love Yuzuru, or at least he doesn't think so, not quite, but he would kill for him. But he might consider dying for him. But he's his best friend.
He worries. He's allowed, and so he goes to his house after he shakes off Morino because she makes him want to wrap his arms around Yuzuru and tell her to fuck off because Yuzuru belongs to him.
Which is ridiculous. He has no real claim on him, no right to say he does because he knows attachment only means you get hurt. But he's got a right to be protective.
--
This new guy, Naoe, who drives a fancy car and is all coiled-up potential, is certainly part of the problem. More than part, maybe.
He throws Takaya off, makes him wonder what it's like to be possessed in more than just a spiritual sense, makes him think things he shouldn't. Naoe, Takaya's sure, is all about taking where Yuzuru is about giving and he can't keep his eyes from following him as he moves and watching his body shift underneath the suits he always wears even while Yuzuru is next to him, trying to be enough, should be enough.
Naoe does what Takaya doesn't think Yuzuru has ever done. Takaya wants to protect Yuzuru, wants to keep him safe from anything that would hurt him and make him smile. With Naoe, there is nothing so complicated as emotion, not yet. Naoe makes him want, and that is all there is.
He can't put it into words, the twist low in his stomach when he sees Naoe looking at him in the corner of his eye. Naoe can't think he notices because Takaya's sure if he did he wouldn't look at him in a way that makes Takaya feel like he's being visually debauched.
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't intrigued.
--
There is, as with all things, a downside to Naoe, and that is the life he claims to bring with him. The life that scares Takaya. The life that means he is not who he thinks he is, that means he is not who his sister thinks he is, means he is not who Yuzuru thinks he is and that is worse than the rest
He doesn't think he loves him but he couldn't stand to let him down.
And maybe that's what love is, lying or killing or dying for someone's smile because you can't see them anything but happy, but loving Yuzuru wouldn't cut the pull he feels toward Naoe and wouldn't make him a better person and wouldn't do either of them any good because Takaya is reasonably sure that boys don't fall in love when they're seventeen.
This is not the sort of thing he ever imagined for himself.
superego - n. - the division of the psyche that censors and restrains the ego and has identified itself unconsciously with important persons from early life. It results from incorporating the values and wishes of these persons into one's own standards.
Yuzuru is: confused. Scared. Possibly in love with his best friend.
The last is the only one that worries him. Takaya wants to protect him but he thinks he'll break his heart by trying as hard as he does not to. There is only so much effort that can be put into not hurting a person before the attempt itself is painful.
The other traits are forgiveable. Anyone would feel the same being stalked by strange men and ghosts.
The minutes pass like hours pass like days when he is not in school. He tries not to smile too widely or cling too closely when Takaya finally arrives.
--
He likes watching Takaya sleep. His friend is so rarely calm when awake that peace is a foreign expression on his face, and even as he sleeps he mutters and twitches. Yuzuru wonders what he's running from.
He hopes it isn't him.
He thinks he could taste Naoe when Takaya kissed him and he held him tighter than usual because he can feel him slipping away and he doesn't think he's ready to let him leave. Isn't sure what he is without Takaya.
Takaya touches him like he thinks he might break him. He would tell him he doesn't have to, but he worries that then he wouldn't touch him at all.
He doesn't think Takaya would touch Naoe as carefully as he does Yuzuru. Naoe and Takaya would be fast and rough and desperate where Takaya is kinder and gentler with Yuzuru and if he thought it would do any good, Yuzuru would tell him that he wouldn't mind being pushed against the wall. But Naoe has no place here, not now, when the glow from the streetlights slides in through the slats in the blinds and throws stripes across the room. Yuzuru pushes him from his mind and tries to curl into Takaya's empty spaces.
--
Yuzuru is not: stupid. Unobservant. Going to let himself harbor any delusions.
Not going to hurt Takaya by telling him he can go if he wants, because Takaya will take that as betrayal and he doesn't want Takaya to be hurt.
Ironic, because Takaya has always been the one looking out for him.
Yuzuru knows there's something undeniable between Naoe and Takaya that he doesn't think he can possibly compete with or compare to, because he is the fallback, best friend, something safe. Naoe is new and dangerous and Yuzuru can see how much Takaya wants him even if Takaya himself can't.
Takaya will leave him, and part of him will want to take him back, even while he knows he can't. That is the part that will hurt.
Takaya will leave him, and Yuzuru will have to let him go.
id - n. - division of the psyche that is totally unconscious and serves as the source of instinctual impulses and demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs
It's not fair, by any stretch of the imagination, and were he younger he'd throw a temper tantrum but grown men don't do that sort of thing even if the idea does have its appeal. Takaya is Yuzuru's best friend, it's only normal for him to stop by after school.
Yuzuru is what Naoe isn't: safe. Happy.
Completely lacking in any memories of who he is, while Naoe remains achingly, agonizingly aware of everything that has happened between himself and Kagetora, and so aware of everything that has gone wrong. Every harsh word and harsher deed remains etched in his memory, engravings of why they are not, will never be, what he so desperately wanted long ago.
Yuzuru smiles and Takaya laughs and pushes Yuzuru's hair off his face and his fingers linger longer than necessary as he examines the bracelet and Naoe is as tense as a string keyed too tightly. This isn't the first time he's seen Kagetora with someone else but at least he used to be able to pretend he was the motive behind it.
Now he has no such pretense to hide behind, because there is no reason for Takaya to want to make Naoe jealous.
For once, Kagetora cannot even know how cruel he is, and that almost hurts more than the look in Yuzuru's eyes when he watches Takaya. Naoe can't cry "mine!" when Yuzuru doesn't know what he's taking. He turns to leave and doesn't see that as Takaya leans to kiss Yuzuru he keeps his eyes open and watches Naoe in the mirror on the wall.
--
He pushes Takaya down onto the bed and Takaya's satisfied laugh turns into a moan as Naoe bites his neck and pushes his shirt back off his shoulders, trapping his hands behind his back.
Naoe slides up so he's straddling Takaya and leans down. "It's about time you were here," he whispers into Takaya's ear and Takaya shivers and says "I couldn't agree more" before Naoe kisses him. The sex is a sweat-soaked slow-burning heat and Naoe has crescent-shaped indents from Takaya's nails on his shoulders while Takaya has bruises on his hips. They are not gentle or loving because they are not patient but Naoe is determined to give Kagetora the reverence he reserves and map every plane of this new body. It will still never be enough.
The scene has played out hundreds of times in his mind and none out of it.
--
Yuzuru has what Naoe doesn't: security. Innocence.
Takaya and a history with him that isn't soaked in blood and betrayal. A history Takaya accepts. History Takaya lets himself remember.
Naoe watches, and he envies, and he wants. Because he doesn't think Kagetora would willingly throw himself into battle for Naoe as Takaya does for Yuzuru and when Shingen was finally exorcised it wasn't Naoe Takaya was worried about.
Yuzuru's thanks is insult to the injury of Takaya's still-remaining denial but for now, he will let the boy keep Takaya. He'll have Kagetora soon enough.