Archive of Our Own ^beta

Is he home???? ໒( •́ ∧ •̀ )७

No.

Do you know when hes coming home?????

No.

…… （╬ಠ益ಠ)

You should leave Kenma!!!!!!  

I know.

~(*)~

Kenma sets his phone down, putting his attention back to the screen infront of him. Numerous codes and numbers filling it, his fingers typed skillfully, working more off muscle memory than anything else at this point. 

If he glanced at the clock at the corner, he’d be affirmed that he was working into the wee hours of the night.

His apartment was empty, silence his only company. The same as the hour before, and the hour before that, and the rest of the day. This was his normalcy for the past two years. Kenma woke up alone, he spent the day alone, and on occasion he’d fall asleep before Kuroo got back home.

Typically he didn’t.

Saving his work and shutting the laptop closed, he rose to his feet heading for the direction of their bedroom. 

He left his laptop on the floor, along with the controller of the console he was playing with an hour before. Kenma turned off the tv though and made sure to plug in his phone so it could charge. He changed out of his sweatpants and jacket, for comfier sleepwear, sliding under the sheets.

3:04

The time blinked at him from the alarm clock on Kuroo’s side of the bed, and he stared back unwavering.

3:05  

The sound of the door opening could be heard from outside their bedroom door. Kenma could imagine clearly what was going on out there. 

Kuroo slipping off his shoes and putting them on the rack. A bag of take out that he’d put into the fridge for Kenma to eat while he was out during the middle of the day. Hanging his coat on a chair in their dining room.

Maybe he’d stub his toe on the legs of one of the chairs, or accidentally trip over whatever Kenma left lying around, trying to keep his cursing to a whisper even though one or two would be loud enough for him to know. 

Kenma shut his eyes, evening out his breathing as Kuroo slipped into the room. More shuffling, the sounds of clothes being tossed into the hamper.

A body slipping in to lay next to him.

Kuroo doesn’t say anything to him, not even a goodnight. He really doesn’t do that anymore. Kenma wants to think it’s because he believes he’s sleeping and doesn’t want to disturb him. He doesn’t try to believe in that lie anymore.

Not when he can smell the perfume radiating off Kuroo’s body, or when he catches glimpses of hickeys and bitemarks in places easy to hide when they haven’t done anything in months.

Kenma knows but never says a thing about it. Closing one eye to make him blind, keeping another one open to make him aware.

~(*)~

“Sorry, Kitten. Got off work late last night, I brought food from your favorite place though.”

Kenma takes the slice of apple pie with a hum, rummaging through their drawers for a clean fork to dine with. Kuroo is heard shuffling behind him, dressed for another day at his job.

“How’s the case?”

He finds a fork and pads over to the living room, sitting infront of the tv not even bothering to look at Kuroo as he responds.

“It’s fine. I can’t talk much about it-confidential and all that, but I think we’re really close to solving it.”

Kuroo works with the police department of Tokyo, specifically in the investigation division. He looks up, chewing around the teeth of the fork, watching as the other readies his bag for work.

His hair is a mess, slightly damp from the shower he took this morning. Kenma knows by the time he arrives at the station, his hair will be its normal unmanageable mess. He takes another bite of apple pie starting up his game and turning on the TV.

“I might be late today,” Kuroo walks over to him, wrestling with his scarf, “Try not to stay up too late.”

“No promises,” Kenma blinks slowly. He shakes his head but leans down to press a kiss to his head before he’s walking out the door. A moment passes before his attention returns to his game. A small part of him is hopeful that Kuroo will come home early. Another that’s more realistic, reminding him that Kuroo’s said the same thing every day for the past two years.

~(*)~

“There’s a meeting on the 28th of next month, I’m putting in a reminder for you.”

“Okay,” Kenma is using his shoulder to press the phone against his ear, as he navigates through the level.

“I’m putting one as well on your online calendar incase that idiot forgets to remind you.” His employers have access to his online, atleast Hajime and Tooru do. They’ve been working on this project with him for the past two and a half years, so he trusts them enough to fiddle with his calendar. Not that there’s much he does anyways.

“Mean Iwa-chan!”

“Shut up! You forgot last time!”

“One time! I forgot one time!”

There’s more bickering in the background. Nothing out of the ordinary, there’s no real heat behind Hajime’s threats.

“By the way, do you want to come over on Friday? Aka-chan is coming over,” Tooru’s voice calls out from the other end of the line, “...I think getting out of that house is good every once in a while.”

His statement serves more than just a simple invitation. Tooru and Hajime both know of his circumstances and are disapproving of his staying there, they do not push him to make any sudden decisions and are always offering help with open arms.

Keiji probably has a few choice words for Kuroo, from the face he makes whenever he’s brought up. But makes it a point to keep his feelings to himself while Kenma stays with him.

“Okay,” He answers, finishing his level. “I’ll come over for dinner.”

“You’re welcome to spend the night too,” Iwaizumi cuts in. It wouldn’t have been the first time. When they first started working together and Kenma spent nights working throughout the night. The office was a good hour and half from his home.

It’s a good thing he didn’t have to travel there often, majority of his work remaining on his laptop opting him to stay at home. And video calls, video calls were good.

He hums, neither affirming nor rejecting, saving after reaching a check point. “We’d be happy to house you, Kenma.” Iwaizumi offers quietly.

He’s thankful for his friends. The ones who’ve shown him countless support and help. Who’ve taken his place in feeling anger and disappoint, where he only feels numbness.

He wishes he could’ve felt anger, at any point throughout all this, but he doesn’t. Just self loathing, because he can’t bring himself to see that it’s not his fault.

He thinks, believes, and feels that somehow he’s the cause of all this. Shouyou, Keiji, Tooru, Hajime, have all reassured him that it isn’t, and rationally, he knows this.

He can’t help but feel like it is though. Kenma thinks love makes people stupid. He still thinks that. Is the proof of that.

Sometimes, he just wants to walk up to Kuroo and apologize to him, whatever it is he did that pushed Kuroo to spending hours with someone else. If he was that unhappy, he should’ve said something, Kenma would’ve understood.

Apologizing means acknowledging it’s real, apologizing means letting Kuroo knows he knows. Kenma isn’t sure if he’d take pleasure or pain in seeing the realization on Kuroo’s face. So he opts for neither.

He doesn’t say anything, willing to either take his secret to the grave, or wait long enough for Kuroo to do something.

He knows though, Kuroo won’t ever do that. Kuroo cares too much about his own feelings to come clean.

~(*)~

Kuroo comes home early.

It catches him off guard to the point where he stares unabashedly mid chew of leftovers from his spot on the floor. Game Over flashes on the tv screen as Kuroo slips off his scarf.

7:30 is the time on the clock, and this is the first time in two years, Kenma hasn’t had to wait until after 2 am for Kuroo to show up.

“Please don’t tell me that’s the only meal you’ve had all day.”

Kenma doesn’t answer moving to stand on his feet, following Kuroo into the kitchen. The other is moving around the kitchen. He spies a couple of grocery bags lying on the counter, and he suspects that they either contain the new bottles of shampoo they needed or ingredients for dinner.

A quick check reveals both.

“Well, I hope you have room for dinner,” Kuroo is rolling up his sleeves, tossing him a grin over his shoulder. His heart is beating erratically because he’s confused and at the same time, heavily relieved.

Kenma slips into a chair on the counter, after grabbing his hand held, watching as Kuroo maneuvers through the kitchen.

The scene is familiar and foreign.

Familiar in the sense that this was what used to be normal to him. Kuroo coming home, cooking dinner, eating together while they watched some stupid drama on tv.

Foreign because it was so long ago and the image is so eschewed from the Kuroo now, that it almost seems like he’s dreaming.

Kenma pinches his thigh under the counter to check.

“Stir fry okay? It’s been a while since I’ve cooked it.”

He bites back the retort, ‘It’s been a while since you’ve cooked anything.’ So instead he plays his game, trying to find some standing in this now weird night. His character is trekking through a dark dungeon, his torch only lighting the immediate space infront of him, giving room for sneak attacks from other monsters.

“Did you just sit infront of the tv all day?”

“Played games on the laptop.” 

“Which one? That one with the gay main character? With blue hair?”

“No. Just a simple rpg about a little girl going through an art gallery.” Kenma doesn’t correct him to tell him he finished that dating sim a year ago, all endings and easter eggs from the first and sequel game obtained.

“Wait haven’t you played that one already?”

“It’s a good game.” A monster jumps at him from another corner of the dungeon, the battle music can be heard throughout the kitchen. Kenma defeats it, although it took a good chunk of his health. He was playing through hard mode, so the number of assets he got was limited and he was trying to save all of them for the boss battle at the end of the level.

“Did you get a different ending this time?”

“I got the one where Mary ends up coming to the real world.” His character passes another corner finding a treasure chest. He ends up obtaining another potion and a new sword.

“Right, okay. I’m going to get changed real and we can have dinner together. They still showing that crime show?” Kuroo double checks his ingredients to make sure everything is in order while the pan is heating up.

“Just reruns. I recorded that show you wanted to see though. The first five episodes are on the DVR.”

“You did? Kenma I love you! I’ve been dying to see that show. We’re definitely starting it tonight. I’ve literally kicked people out of the office when they talk about it because I refuse to listen to any spoilers.”

Kenma presses the buttons a little harder at hearing the declaration. It’s odd and frustrating to hear that. It feels like a lie when Kuroo says it to him when it’s the exact opposite. He does love him.

Kuroo passes him just as his character passes another corner. The smell of cologne hits his nose and he’s sent into yet another battle sequence. Kenma stares at the retreating back, the sizzle of oil and his game being the only sounds being heard in the kitchen.

He doesn’t recognize the smell of the cologne and knows it’s one Kuroo doesn’t own or wear.

Sneak attack, Kenma thinks to himself, staring back at the Game Over title screen. He presses restart and wishes it was as simple as that.

~(*)~

There’s a skip in his step as he makes his way out of the office and into the streets. His backpack is hanging comfortably off his shoulder, and despite the loud noise of Tokyo and the inscrutable faces of people who pass him by, Kenma feels like he’s in his own world.

“Your project has been green lighted. We can start production next week.”

The words repeat over and over and over in his head. His eyes are trained on his phone setting a reminder to come back next week to the meeting where he’ll be meeting the crew that’ll work be working with him.

It gives him butterflies, fluttering erratically in his stomach, but for once he’s not upset or nervous. Just filled with an excited anxiety.

He feels like the smile he’s wearing could break his face.

I got it.

It’s happening.

KKKKKKKEEEEENNNNNNMMMMMAAAAAA!!!! ٩(๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و

DATS AMAZING!!!!!!

WE HAVE 2 CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!!! (((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))

Nothing too grand, Shouyou.

BUT ITS AMAZING WUTS HAPPENING!!!! ╰(✧∇✧╰)

Kuroo still duznt know yet right????

No.

Not yet.

OKAY. HE’LL BE SO HAPPY!!!! ヾ(＠°▽°＠)ﾉ

Thanks.

Kenma closes the messaging app, his leg shaking anxiously, the need to go home growing more and more. He’s spent two years working on this project, developing every nook and cranny of the idea. Two years just getting it to the way he wanted it to, the way he felt proud and secure enough to show others.

The past six months have been mostly talking and negotiating. They were interested in the idea from the second he relayed it to them, but gathering a budget and secure team was what took the bulk of the time. Countless interviews and consulting with the management team.

Iwaizumi introducing him to Tooru who’d be in charge of marketing. The entire project was going to be kept a secret until a year prior to the final release. No one secured on the team was to breathe a word of it outside of the office

Kenma made sure that everything was on his terms, he didn’t want any slip ups.

Now it’s all coming together and he can finally, finally, start.

He chooses to walk up the stairs to their apartment, feeling that he’d-for once-get too antsy just standing in an elevator. He needs to burn off this energy somehow.

Kenma enters his apartment quietly to not disturb Kuroo. He’s been working tirelessly at the station and he wants him to enjoy his day off to the fullest, even if that meant Kuroo just slept the day away. He had written a note, left it on the counter, to let him know he was going to be out most of the day to hang out with Shouyou.

A lie to cover up his meeting at the office.

It was barely past noon, but Kenma thought that was okay. It wouldn’t have been the first time they spent his day off together, certainly not the last.

He pads over to their room quietly, thinking maybe he can slip into bed and take a nap too.

The moan that reaches his ears stops him before his hand can even wrap around the doorknob.

Kenma stills, blinks once, twice, and stares at the unopened door.

Another moan, this time joined with a grunt and a groan.

A man and a woman.

There’s a breathy laugh, then a shriek of a name. Ecstasy all wrapped into it. 

He slowly moves away from the door and heads back into the kitchen. Kenma looks around taking note of the apartment. His shoes on the ground by the door. There’s Kuroo’s jacket on the chair. The cat clock hangs off the wall is the one they chose together when they first moved into the apartment. There’s his consoles and controllers where he left them. His game collection organized right next to Kuroo’s movie collection.

The apartment is familiar, so striking familiar it hurts his eyes and his head. The apartment is so disjointed and foreign, he feels anxiety locking into his joints.

Kenma picks up his backpack that he had dropped onto the couch, throwing it over his shoulders once again and slips back on his shoes.

He exits, shutting the door quietly, locking it as if he had never entered in the first place. Kenma takes the elevator back outside and stands infront of their building looking outward.

Unfamiliar faces that blur together, the noise of Tokyo fills the air around him. This is a world he recognizes.

He heads back to the station, checking the times for the incoming trains. Kenma boards one, head down, eyes locked on his feet. He makes no eye contact with anyone.

“Kenma?!”

Shouyou finds him like this when he knocks on the door to his shared apartment with Tobio. He only nods slightly, walking inside once the small ginger steps back. This apartment feels more familiar than his own in that moment.

~(*)~

Kuroo is out working again today. He has no idea if he’s going to come late or if he won’t come home at all tonight.

That’s what had happened last night. At around 11, Kuroo had called him using one of the phones from the station to tell him he wasn’t going to be able to come home. Something about the case and that the entire team had to stay behind.

Kenma only said, “Okay. Bye.” He wasn’t sure if he could say anything else in that moment.

He wasn’t sure if he really believed in Kuroo’s words anymore. The small part of him assured him he really was staying behind for the case, another small part screamed liar, liar, liar. The rest of him just felt confused and numb.

Kuroo had never stayed behind before, atleast not that he could remember. He’d always come back home to him. Early, late, or even an hour before the sun started to peak, Kuroo came back to him.

His motions are robotic and he’s not entirely in the right state of mind, but Kenma finds himself packing into a backpack. He only grabs a few things, clothes enough to last him a week, his phone, his charger, his handheld, his laptop.

He stares at their dining table, before reaching into his pocket and pulling out an envelope. The envelope contains enough money to pay for the rent of their apartment for the next six months and a little extra for food or whatever other things. Kenma’s grip is tight on the envelope, his hand is shaking as it hovers over a spot on the table.

Kenma sets it down with heaviness in his chest. It feels as if there’s a pick and chisel working at heart while a bullet shoots repeated holes through it. He doesn’t leave anything else, no note, no indication of where’s he going at all. The rest of his things, their things, his things, stays in the apartment with Kuroo. Free for him to do whatever he pleased with them.

He lingers in the doorway staring. For years he called this place. For years he called it a place he stayed at. There are countless memories he made here, no matter where he looks he’s sure to remember atleast five things that happened.

For years, it became limbo. Between heaven and hell while Kenma walked through it day by day living only on maybe instinct, or just muscle memory.

His grip on the doorway tightens, his nails causing scratches in the paint.

Kenma lived his days here, motion after motion, need after need, want after want, joy to sadness, anger to forgiveness, till all that was left was something he didn’t recognize.

He made wish after wish in this apartment. Kenma wishes for a few things right now.

An end to the numbness he’s felt for the past two years, the questions of whys, his self loathing, of Kuroo’s constant company and care. An understanding of what went wrong, of what he did or what Kuroo did, of why things turned out the way they are now. A feeling of something, anger, relief, joy, sadness, something to ignite the burned out candle within him.

A chance to make things better. A chance for something new. A chance to make things right. A chance for them to regain their happiness, his happiness, together or, his heart breaks further, apart.

His grip on the doorway tightens once more before his hand drops loosely at his side. Kenma knows better, but that doesn’t make the truth any less painful than it already is.

He turns his back to the apartment, backpack hanging snugly off him.

One step, then the next, then the next, then the next. He greets their receptionist as always, waving bye, his face a masked perfectly of any cracks, dents. Standing on the sidewalk of their apartment, he looks left, right. This scene is familiar to him.

He has no idea where to go, because at the end of it all, he always came back here. Kenma can’t do that anymore. So he takes another step, and another, and another, till the apartment is nothing but a speck in the distance.

He lets out a quiet breath, his pace slow and patient, hands in his pockets, and mumbles a soft, “Bye.”

~(*)~

Shouyou ushers him inside when he ends up at his doorstep. Tobio is there and it looks as if they were grilling something.

Kenma sets his backpack down next to his feet as he sits himself on the couch. He can hear the two of them scrambling in the kitchen, Shouyou showing up a second later with a glass of water, a glass of tea, and a can of soda, while Tobio is tossing on his jacket, shouting about grabbing more meat from the store real quick.

“Sorry I came uninvited.”

“You’re always welcome here Kenma! You know that!” Shouyou wraps his arms around him before speeding over to his tv to set up some games for him.

Silence envelopes the apartment and Kenma, for once, wants to break it.

“There’s a meeting tomorrow.”

“For your project??”

“Yeah.”

“You’re in the last stages of it right?? Sorry I don’t really know all the specifics of what goes on in-”

“It’s fine Shouyou, and yeah. Would it be alright if I spent the night here?”

The ginger looks at him so fast, Kenma worries he gave himself whiplash. His eyes zero in on his backpack, and immediately he’s thrown off by the weight on him.

“KENMA!”

He wraps his arms around his best friend, moving his attention to his shoes. Kenma bites his lip, trying to figure out his next words.

“….Yeah.”

Shouyou wraps his arms around him tighter, not saying anything. Kenma’s thankful. His phone remains heavy in his pocket, not a single notification since he left. Not that he expected one.

The couple treat him to a nice dinner that night with minimal burning on the food. Shouyou plays his favorite movies and Tobio makes pleasant conversation, even if they aren’t all that close. The two bicker back and forth at some moments, but it isn’t anything Kenma is used to the couple’s antics.

He steps outside to their porch for a moment later that evening to check on his phone.

Still no notification.

His shoulders drop and he sits on a chair for a few minutes. His fingers fiddle with the cellphone strap that dangles, it’s a character from a game he likes.

Kenma looks back at the phone and dials a number. Pulling it up to his ear, Kenma waits one, two, three rings, before his call is picked up.

“Kenma?”

“Keiji,” He kicks at the loose specks of dirt that litter the cemented floor, “I did something.”

~(*)~

Somehow he manages to hold his composure the entire meeting. Hajime and Tooru shoot him glances every so often as they discuss marketing tactics and where they’ll hold the release, and whether Kenma’s physical appearance will be there. He keeps his answer up in the air because he’s not sure.

His intention was always for the project to take the spotlight and for his existence as the creator and director to take the backseat.

The meeting comes to a close, but they managed to get a lot done that evening. Kenma greets everyone goodbye and thanks them for taking their time out of their busy schedule to come meet with him. He’s still not great with people, may not ever be, but he’s thankful from the bottom of his heart for their dedication and their hardwork into maybe this dream of his a reality.

They’re just as excited with him, all of them having had taken a personal interest when they were hired for the project. The more they worked on it, the more it came to life, and they often tell him this creation of his was something special that touched all of them in some way.

It was the type of attitude that made Kenma want to hire them when they were screening. He wanted people who could experience it with him, not someone who was in it for money or the recognition.

Kenma chose well.

“And that’s that!” Tooru slips a folder containing the narrowed marketing tactics into his bag, as Hajime double checks for things they still need to cover as the days dwindle down.

He stays in his seat, fingers tapping idly on the table. Keiji will be joining him for lunch to discuss certain things.

“Ken-chan,” Tooru approaches broach fully. It’s what he’s been waiting for the entire time, “You’re looking a little worse for wear.”

“I left the apartment yesterday.”

Kenma doesn’t skirt around the topic, the words feel heavy in his mouth, heavy in his chest. He wants to eat them back up, but he’s already spit them out.

It still doesn’t feel real.

Tooru is stunned, Hajime resembles a fish his mouth opening and closing. He keeps his attention on his fingers, who moved from tapping to scratching lightly at the desk. He needs something to anchor onto or else his mind will spiral.

“Just like that?”

He nods silently, adding after a moment, “He hasn’t tried to reach me since.”

His phone is still the same from yesterday, no new notifications, only added phone calls from both Keiji and Shouyou to keep him occupied during the day.

“Where are you staying at now?”

“Shouyou’s letting me stay with him for now,” Tooru keeps his face making to a minimum. Even years after high school and when everything was said and done, Tobio and him still have that weird friendship rivalry going on, “I won’t be there long-I don’t think…”

Kenma isn’t sure where he goes from here. He feels at a standstill once more, similar to how he felt in high school when he just wasn’t sure what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

This feels more permanent though.

“You’re always welcome to stay with us, Ken-chan!”

Hajime is nodding, “Always. Any time.” He knows. Keiji offered him the same thing. He thinks maybe he’ll take them up on their offers, atleast temporarily. It’d be better than staying at a hotel for the time being when he has no direction.

“Keiji and I are having lunch together,” Kenma rises to his feet, Hajime catches him and helps steady him when he slips.

He slept last night. Neither badly nor decently, so it’s mostly his mental and emotional exhaustion that gets to him today.

The two of them walk him to front, both of them promising to call him later today to discuss things with him and to make sure he’s okay. They seem to get the hint that he can only talk so much about it today.

Keiji is waiting for him when they step outside. The three of them chatter for a few minutes as Kenma leans against Keiji for support.

“Yes, do feel free to come by this weekend, Oikawa-san, Iwaizumi-san.”

“Goodie! You make some of the best beef roast I swear Aka-chan.”

“We’ll text you the details.”

Tooru and Hajime both give him hugs, he returns him robotically. The two of them whispering in his ear that they’re here for him.

Keiji and Kenma watch as the two of them get into a taxi and leave. Quietly, he leads him to a nice restaurant a little walk away, where he plops down onto his seat with sudden overwhelming exhaustion boring over him.

“Kenma…. Are you okay?”

“Who knows,” He shrugs, opening his menu. He just orders a coffee and slice of apple pie.

~(*)~

“He hasn’t tried contacting you at all?” Kenma slides his phone over to him as he works through his slice of pie.

The beautiful man takes it and checks it, looking for anything maybe Kenma had missed. When he doesn’t find anything, he slides the phone back over, a frown marring his face.

His eyes are icy, and Kenma thinks Keiji could freeze hell with that look alone. He picks at the crust of his pie, before continuing quietly, “I don’t know if he made it home that day.”

“If he did, I’m sure he was in for quite a shock.”

“He probably was. Probably confused too.”

“I don’t think there’s really anything to be confused about,” Keiji takes a bite into his sandwich, “Given the circumstances. Although, I am sorry it happened to you Kenma.”

He knows. Kenma’s heard it before, since he told Keiji the news of Kuroo’s trysts two years ago. Keiji’s never brought it up to Kuroo, mostly out of respect for Kenma’s choices and decisions. He thinks all bets are off the table now though.

“I don’t want him knowing where I am.” Kenma wants to remain off the radar for a while and knows that Kuroo will contacting Keiji as soon as he realizes that he left indefinitely.

“I won’t tell him.”

He picks at his slice of pie, it gets smaller and smaller. Once Kuroo realizes that Keiji won’t tell him, he might be at a loss. Probably will be at a loss. Keiji is the only friend Kuroo has direct contact with. He doesn’t know where Shouyou lives and even better doesn’t have his number. Hajime and Tooru have only heard of Kuroo through him and have never met face to face.

Kenma could literally drop off the face of his world after this.

He chews slowly wondering if he at all had been in Kuroo’s world the past two years, then reminds himself, yes. Yes he is, yes he was.

As much as he hates himself, hates how things turned out, and is unsure of what happens next, Kenma is sure of the fact, Kuroo cares about him and did love him when they started dating. Kenma is sure of the fact, he still cares for Kuroo now.

You can’t cut someone out who’s been in your life since you were children as easily as you hope.

He sets his fork down, staring at his plate, “Can I get another slice?”

“You can order whatever you want, Kenma.”

~(*)~

Since that day Kenma works around the clock endlessly. His unstable mind and heart force him to put his attention to anything else that’ll keep him occupied, his coping method being burying himself in his work.

His attention never leaves his laptop for more than a couple minutes, a growing drive to just work and work and work.

If his parents saw him, they’d be amazed at how dedicated he has, having never shown any motivation before this. Until they realized why he was doing it, and force him to stop.

His sleep pattern is irregular, working through the nights, just pouring himself over his project. He answers emails, answers calls, rarely touches his games anymore. That causes a big shift in concern for his friends.

Still nothing from Kuroo.

His number is the same, his email is the same. If he wanted to, he could easily try to reach Kenma, but the days where he expects some sort of attempt have long waned and he knows better than to hope.

He’s moved out from Shouyou and Tobio’s home and into Hajime and Tooru’s. Shouyou was initially against it, insisting he could stay for the next ten years and it’d be perfectly fine. Tobio was a silent presence but agreed through the constant nodding of his head. Kenma still said it was okay and that they should have the home to themselves, he’d overstayed his welcome anyways.

Hajime was quick to intervene before Keiji could throw his two cents in, saying since Kenma was working on the project with them, it’d be easier on all three of them if he lived them. Tooru backed it up saying he wasn’t taking no for an answer and even threw Kenma’s backpack into their car before he could reply.

Keiji visited every other weekend in the beginning, but his concern has lessened and has put his trust into Tooru and Hajime into taking care of him for the time being.

Kenma thinks he’s just waiting it out till it’s his turn to have him with live with him.

He has no idea if Kuroo did visit Keiji after realizing his disappearance, Keiji would never bring it up and makes it a point to try to avoid talking about him to help Kenma move on with his life.

“We’re eating Ken-chan! And it’s your favorite tonight!”

“Apple pie?”

“Your other favourite food.”

Kenma gives him a deadpan look, but is still ushered to the table. Hajime prepares something that smells delicious. It isn’t his favorite, but it definitely has his mouth watering. His stomach grumbles and he’s reminded that he hadn’t had lunch today. Or breakfast.

“Be sure to eat up Ken-chan!” Tooru is piling food onto his plate, more than he could probably eat, but he’s trying to make up for all the meals he’s missed today.

“Thank you,” He mumbles quietly reaching to dig in. He doesn’t miss the way Hajime and Tooru watch him to make sure he’s eating.

~(*)~

The days dwindle and before he knows it five months have passed. He works himself more and more each day, leaving him more haggard than the next. He notices in the mirror the bags under his eyes have become more prominent and he’s skinnier than before due to him skipping meals.

Kenma just wants the distraction if he’s honest.

Work gives him something to occupy his mind, though he realizes the more work he does, the less he has to do the more he finishes. Which in turn force him to search for even more work to do.

It’s better than fretting over his life, his decisions, and Kuroo.

He wants to think he knew Kuroo better than anyone else. Although recent events have proved him other wise, but even after lie after lie, Kenma knew he still cared to come home and take care of him. It was a big flaw in his character, anyone could tell that much.

He often wondered why Kuroo bothered to stay with him in the first place. If he made him that unhappy as a romantic partner, it’d make sense to just return to the way they were originally. If that made him happy, Kenma wouldn’t have minded. He wanted Kuroo to be as happy as he made him.

Then the more he thinks about it, maybe he really should’ve pushed for a break up as soon as he’d known. Would that have saved him, the both of them, from all this? Kuroo would’ve protected Kenma from anything if he thought it was harmful, he probably extended that notion to even himself.

He almost wishes Kuroo didn’t care so much about him. Cared so much that he came home pretending that he wasn’t off doing who knows what with others, that he still brought him food, did his laundry, pretended that their small world wasn’t breaking.

Not that Kenma is innocent either for letting it continue that long.

His fingers type mechanically, he’s not even sure what’s on the screen anymore. Squinting his eyes, he tries to focus on what’s infront of him, but nothing seems to register.

Kenma misses Kuroo. A lot.

He’d been such a sure presence throughout his life that right now, he feels as if he’s treading through water with a blindfold on. Others would argue he’s stupid to miss him after all that, he’d agree. It doesn’t change how he feels though.

He misses the days where he can rely on Kuroo without doubt pushing to the forefront of his mind. The moments where he could tell him anything without worrying. The days where he could just trust inexplicably.

He doesn’t have those days anymore. Kenma thinks things will never return to the way they were. There’s always going to be a part of him that doubts, that worries, that turns away. After all, his most trusted person turned his back on him, what’s stopping the rest?

It’s at this point in his thoughts, Kenma forces himself to stop for the sake that he wants to remain sane. Kuroo’s driven him crazy before, but not like this. He doesn’t want Kuroo to be the reason he turns his back to everyone, doesn’t want to get to the point where he can only doubt and never trust.

Sometimes he wishes for a second chance.

He rises to his feet and grabs onto the edge of the table when his legs give out. He’s so tired, so very tired. It takes him a couple moments to regain his bearings and packing goes slower than he’d have liked.

He’s at the office today, mostly just double checking on the status of everything and doing minute things here and there. No one will miss him if he heads home now and he can always count on Hajime or Tooru to fill him in for anything else.

“Heading home Kenma?”

He nods sluggishly sending an apologetic look to Eita. The boy gives him a once over taking notice of how tired he looks and nods.

“Want me to call you a taxi?”

“No, it’s okay.” He shakes his head, not wanting to cause any more trouble than he already has, “Thank you though.”

Eita eyes him worriedly but doesn’t push it. Kenma takes that as his cue to leave and he heads for the stairs. The elevator is out for maintenance today, but this is only the second floor of the building so it’s not as if he has to walk very far.

His legs feel like lead and Kenma wonders if this is really a good decision. That maybe he should’ve backtracked, or better yet just taken a nap in his office. He should rethink all his decisions.

He’s at the top of the stairs when his legs give out from under him. Someone screams his name, but he’s out before his body even touches the ground.

~(*)~

When he wakes up, he finds himself in an unfamiliar boring room, and that his throat is really, really dry. His lips feel chapped and it hurts to try to open them. His eyes squint trying to get used to the light, looking around slowly as he does so.

“Kenma!”

Something to his side moves to his line of vision, blocking the light. The face looking back at him is eerily familiar, from the gold eyes to the wild, wild, hair. He looks relieved, but it doesn’t take away from the dark circles under his eyes and the tear tracks on his face.

He was crying.

“Oh thank god you’re okay,” His shoulders shake and his voice is filled with emotion. It shakes him to his core. Kenma tries speaking, and the person seems to understand as he reaches for a glass of water, fumbling with it for a second.

The glass is pressed against his lips, and he takes greedy sips. He continues speaking to him, “You were out for three days, fucking exhaustion and your body was stressed out. I didn’t-I had no idea-that’s no excuse I know-but Bokuto was the one who told me. Fucking Bokuto, gotta thank him later-but he’s the one who caught wind you were in the hospital. I had to come, of course. I couldn’t-”

He stops rambling as Kenma stops drinking. Kenma licks his lips experimentally, nervous under the stare of the other person. His gaze is heavy, bearing down on him, a million things he’s trying to convey through his eyes.

He doesn’t look back at the person though, mostly finding a spot behind him to focus on.

“….I really missed you, Kenma.” That hits a nerve, it makes him look away putting his attention to his fingers. It sends the other into a frenzy, hovering nervously next to him. He looks guilty, caught in the act of something.

He sits back down, hands clenched together in his lap.

“...Sorry.” He mumbles softly, unsure of what else to say. Kenma hides behind his hair, half wishing for someone to walk in and save him.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” He replies back, yearning in his eyes.

His wish is granted as someone walks in. They have silvery hair and a nice smile, Kenma feels calm around him.

“Ah! You’re awake! Hello, I’m Sugawara, your doctor.” They greet him, still smiling. They do a quick test, light in his eyes, how many fingers, typical things. Kenma aces all of them with ease to the relief of the body sitting near him.

“If I may, I need to talk privately with Kozume-san here,” His smile never drops, and they stand to his feet, mumbling agreements.

“Right, right, sorry.” He grabs his jacket, shooting looks towards him as he walks out, “I’ll be right out here okay?’

Kenma doesn’t answer watching as the other body leaves. The door shuts and Kenma waits one, two moments before looking back at the doctor. The doctor stares back at him, encouraging him to talk.

“Uhm...” He licks his lips anxiously, his voice still feeling raw, “...Who was that?”

~(*)~

His name is Kuroo Tetsurou from what the doctor’s told him, and the boy re-introducing himself. Apparently they were romantically involved.

Were.

Kenma’s eyes flicker between the men on either side of him. One being Kuroo Tetsurou who looks thoroughly heartbroken, stressed, and exhausted. The other being Akaashi Keiji who sits straight in a chair, expression blank, but the ice that forms in his eyes whenever he glances over to Kuroo’s direction is enough to tell him there’s bad blood between the two.

Akaashi was the one who stressed the were.

“Iwaizumi-san was the one to call me while Oikawa-san went with you in the ambulance,” He tells him as he peels an apple in his lap, “I’ve already informed Hinata about your condition and he says he’ll be visiting later this afternoon. He has to take care of a few things first. We’re all happy to see you’re alright though.”

Akaashi hands him a plate of apple slices, Kenma eats them quietly.

“Sorry I caused so much trouble.”

“You didn’t!”

“No, never, Kenma!”

Kuroo and Akaashi speak at the same time forcing the two to acknowledge eachother. Kuroo is a constant presence in his stay during the hospital, coming in by the time visitation hours start, leaving for work, and coming back immediately once his shift ends.

Today is his day off, so he hasn’t once left Kenma’s side other than to grab himself some quick snacks, use the bathroom, or leave for a few minutes when Sugawara has asked him to.

Akaashi is a new face who he met yesterday while Kuroo was out. He stayed for a few hours before leaving to give Kenma some time for himself, knowing that’s what he needed.

“Don’t you have work, Kuroo-san?”

“No.” The smile on Kuroo’s face is forced and his eyes are equally hard, “It’s my day off.”

“How unfortunate.” Akaashi doesn’t even try to hide his disdain. Kuroo only grins wider before looking back at Kenma.

“What were you doing that worked overworked you so badly?”

Kenma blinks and licks his lips, halting in his apple eating. “I don’t know.” He gets the feeling it has to do with Iwaizumi and Oikawa though, since he came from their office. The two offered to halt whatever it was he was working with them with, but he protested after learning that it was practically almost complete.

He received his laptop from them, and while he has no clue what he was doing, as he was looking through his files, he could sense what was good and what was still incomplete and figured someone at the company could help him touch up what was left.

Kuroo nods, expecting that answer. He shoots a look to Akaashi, but he only stares back cooly. He wasn’t going to get any from him.

Kenma finishes the last of his apple slices as another person walks through the door. He was there this morning too when he’d come in with Akaashi and Kuroo. This person is loud, and more than overwhelming.

He seems to know Kenma, and Kenma seems to know him too by the way he relaxes somewhat around him.

“Hey hey hey! I brought food!” The man with two toned hair named Bokuto Koutaro tosses something wrapped in film over to Kuroo, and hands one personally to Akaashi plopping onto the chair next to him.

“Thanks bro,” Kuroo’s smile is tired, but he doesn’t open the sandwich. Kenma’s eyes flicker from his face to his food and knows he won’t eat until the other two have left. He’s not sure if he’s eaten at all today.

“You should eat, Kuroo.” The words are quiet, but the other hears them all the same. His eyes widen, frozen for a moment, before he begins unwrapping the sandwich. Kenma relaxes slightly against his pillows and he wishes to go home soon. Wherever that is.

Bokuto’s chatter is the one that mostly fills the room. Akaashi occasionally adding a comment or two. Kuroo remains silent, eating, staring at Kenma the entire time.

He chooses to ignore whatever it is the other is trying to communicate in his eyes.

~(*)~

“Ken-chan you would not believe the day I had today,” Oikawa throws himself dramatically onto a nearby chair, hands up in the air. “I talked with the rudest barista ever-AH!”

Iwaizumi had smacked Oikawa over the head with the bouquet in his hand, “Ignore him, he was picking a fight with the guy anyways.”

“He insulted me!”

“Just because someone says your shirt is gaudy doesn’t mean they’re wrong.” Iwaizumi sends him a sneer, but Kenma takes the offered bouquet counting the flowers. There’s 5.

“Thank you,” Kenma leans over to put them on the table nearby with the other gifts he’s received. He’s not entirely sure what his relationship is with these two. Whether they’re close to him like Akaashi and Hinata are, or if they’re really only connected through his work. Which he’s not entirely too sure is either.

“How’s your head?”

He rubs the back of it quietly, checking, before shrugging.

“You know Ken-chan we really don’t mind pausing the project. It wouldn’t be fair to you if we launched it and you didn’t even realize how much work was put in.” Oikawa is leaning forward, his expression sympathetic.

He frowns, but he cannot argue to that. “Everyone’s hard work though...”

“Everyone is perfectly fine with waiting. We checked with everyone and they’re more than willing to wait.” Kenma’s starting to think this team of his is more considerate and closer to him than he initially thought. He squirms in his spot and looks down, his fingers press methodically, as if he were holding something.

“I don’t know,” He glances over to his charging laptop. Iwaizumi gets the hint and grabs it for him, “I saw what was in there. It was a lot of work…. I can’t remember what it is, or what I was doing with it, but I know it meant a lot to me.”

It’s the only thing he goes off of these days. Kenma can’t place faces or items, but he can judge whether or not they meant something to him by the feelings that arise.

Akaashi keeps him calm, Hinata makes him happy, Oikawa and Iwaizumi make him feel comfortable.

Kuroo is… a mess, for a lack of better words. There’s something about him, he cannot place, his feelings become a giant tangle when he’s around and it’s not in the best of ways. Relief, comfort, happiness, yearning, comes when he initially sees him. It’s through this Kenma knows for a fact that Kuroo meant something to him, was important, and adds leverage that they must’ve been dating.

Only a second later comes the hurt, anxiety, and guilt. Those are the feelings that stressed that if they were dating before, that may not be the case now. Kuroo’s done something and it’s not even his feelings that concrete this notion, it’s Kuroo’s clinging.

Kenma’s sure some of it has to do with their up in the air relationship, that probably Kuroo and Kenma were close before they were started dating. But there’s a nagging feeling that he’s also doing to it to clear his conscious.

He notices the looks Kuroo sends him, guilt, anguish, relief. His constant presence and attention seems like he’s trying to make up for something. There’s a sense of panic that comes when Kuroo leaves, he doesn’t think he’s noticed it or is aware of it, but Kuroo tenses up whenever he has to leave the room.

Whether it be work, someone needs him, or he has to go home, his shoulders tense up, his voice gets thicker, his shake ever so slightly, fingers fumbling as if they’re trying to grab onto something.

Kenma gets the idea that Kuroo’s afraid if they’re not together, Kenma will disappear.

There’s a weird sadistic satisfaction that comes with mulling that idea in his head, along with guilt for making him so uneasy.

“Yeah,” Oikawa’s voice is soft, but he stares at the laptop with some unreadable message in his eyes, “You were really passionate about this. When we first offered you a deal to work on it, you would only agree if your terms were going to met consistently throughout the project.”

“It was difficult getting the higher ups to agree,” Iwaizumi cuts in, a wry smile on his face, “But there was something there, something in that idea of yours, something in you, that we felt we could not let go of. You guarded this idea of yours so carefully, wanted it to be executed exactly the way you wanted it to be. You even hired a couple people to make sure nothing got leaked out that didn’t want to people to know about yet throughout the entire process, like an iron wall around it.”

Kenma believes that. The laptop is heavy in his lap, the contents pulling forth emotions from him that there’s no reason for him to doubt it. His hand slips over the top, nails lightly scratching at a cat sticker on the cover.

“I wanted to share this with someone,” He speaks quietly, eyes never straying from the cat sticker, “This special creation of mine. I wanted them to love it as much as I do.”

Oikawa and Iwaizumi lean back in their chairs, “They will. We promised you we’d make this a hit. There’s no doubt in our minds that it won’t be.”

He doesn’t mean it that way, but Kenma doesn’t feel the need to let them know. His eyes flicker up just as Kuroo makes his way through the door, juggling was looks to be another bag of tupperware and a fruit basket.

~(*)~

“Didn’t realize you had so many friends, Kitten.” Kuroo sits stiffly in his chair, across from Iwaizumi and Oikawa. Kenma makes no visible reaction to the nickname, Kuroo only having started calling him that yesterday and only sparingly when he feels the situation is light hearted enough.

It doesn’t stop the growl from Iwaizumi’s lips though, probably taking offense on Kenma’s behalf. Oikawa just sneers before the fake smile is back on his face. Once Kuroo had made his introduction, the temperature of the room dropped fifty degrees.

Kenma wonders what Kuroo did that pissed off so many people.

He takes his time picking out a game to play on his handheld, picking out a fantasy RPG in the end. His character is a white mage, and he’s pleased with the results when he goes to check his stats.

“So when do you get out of here, Ken-chan?” Oikawa shoots Kuroo a look, Kenma doesn’t notice, as he scoots his chair closer to the boy in the bed.

“They haven’t told me an exact date, but they said soon.”

“Great! We’ll check you out and you can come back to living with us.”

His fingers hover over the buttons, Kuroo stops mid bite, and Iwaizumi and Oikawa wear matching vicious grins.

Oh. So he was staying with them.

“No,” Kuroo cuts in, “No, Kenma’s coming back to live with me. His stuffs still all there anyways. And who’re you guys?? Strangers??”

“To you.” Iwaizumi sneers, hands gripping his knees, “We’re Kenma’s friends.”

Close enough friends that he stayed with them, Kenma mused, but he gets the feeling it was all platonic between the three of them.

Kuroo can’t refute that, guilt flashing across his face, as he looks at Kenma desperately. He wasn’t the only one with secrets.

“Kenma’s coming back to live with us.”

“But I’m his boyfriend!”

“Were! Or did Aka-chan not tell you that?”

“That’s not up for you to decide,” Kuroo growls back, Kenma doesn’t remember him ever looking so determined before, or so agitated, “You’re not a part of this relationship.”

“And since when did you decide you were even back in it?” Iwaizumi shoots back, it makes Kuroo suck in a breath, but there’s still a snarl on his face.

Kenma’s still confused and lost as to what exactly happened, and continues to be left out of the loop. Akaashi won’t say anything, Kuroo won’t confess, Hinata just shakes his head and glares.

“I never left.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!” Oikawa stands on his feet, chair toppling over, and Kenma decides to intervene only then.

“Guys,” They all still at his quiet voice, but none of them back down, “We’re in a hospital.”

Slowly Oikawa sits back down and crosses his arms, Kuroo leans back in his chair. The sound of buttons being pressed takes up the room for the next few moments, no one wants to back down, and he’s trying to figure out what to do.

“I’ll think about it.”

That ends the conversation, but each side looks more determined than ever to take him home with them.

~(*)~

“You’re not… really going back with them are you….?”

“I don’t know.”

Kuroo remains silent, staring out the window. Kenma sits next to him in his own chair focused on his game.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi left earlier saying they needed to head home, with promise they’d come visit again really soon. Sneers and glares were traded but no actual punches were thrown.

“They were ready to hurt you.” The words hurt him even saying it. His character wins against a monster and he gains some loot.

“I know.”

If he looks out the window, it’s still Tokyo. Moving cars, people walking on the streets. There’s no sound, they’re too far away, but it’s so ingrained into his head that he knows. Kenma saves his game.

“I wasn’t lying, your stuff is still back at home.”

Kenma believes him, his character taking a swipe at yet another monster. This area is infested with them and it’s more time consuming than anything.

“How long was I gone?”

“Five months.” Kuroo looks strangled to say it, physically pained.

“Did you miss me?” He looks up at the other, stare penetrating. There’s only honesty in his reply, “So much.”

He takes this moment to look at him, really look at him. The bags under his eyes have lessened, but they’re still prominent. His body is constantly tense, his nails shortened-from the looks of it from stress biting. He doesn’t miss the way Kuroo cranes his neck as if he’s trying to relieve soreness, nor the way he fidgets in his spot as if he’d rather they’d be anywhere but here.

But he doesn’t miss the look of relief that takes him over whenever he looks at Kenma, or the way his eyes light up whenever he’s acknowledged. Kuroo takes his stress and pain in stride, if only to be in Kenma’s company.

His eyes dart back to his game, tongue peeking out to lick his lips. “I think I may have missed you too.”

He doesn’t peek to check on the other. Through his peripheral Kuroo’s body shakes slightly, trying to hold himself together, and Kenma knows-more through instinct-that he’s trying to hold back tears.

~(*)~

“I’m against this.”

Akaashi was holding a backpack in his arms as Kenma rummaged through it taking interest in what was in it. Oikawa and Tooru were right beside him, their arms crossed eyeing Bokuto and Kuroo warily. The two of them trying to flag down a taxi.

“You can come visit me.”

“You could come back to live with us,” Iwaizumi insisted. All three of them were aghast at Kenma’s answer to go back with Kuroo. The three of them nearly attacking him as if he had somehow deceived or forced him into going back.

Kenma had placated them by saying if his most of his things were with Kuroo, then it’d just be easier to move in with him. The three had retaliated by saying they could easily grab whatever it was he needed-clothes, books, games, whatever! But by then Kenma had made up his mind, and the three could do nothing about it.

Shouyou who was reluctant to have him move back in with Kuroo, promised that he’d be visiting every day-until Kageyama reminded him that train fare would be costly which he adjusted his promise to every other day.

“Come on Akaashi! This is great news!” Bokuto bounded forward, not minding the icy look that Akaashi sent him. Apparently, he had warned Bokuto not to tell Kuroo about Kenma being in the hospital-the two of them were dating, who knew- but Bokuto had gone off and done it regardless, saying it was for the best.

“You don’t know how worked up Kuroo was fretting over Kenma. I think it’s for the best they’re moving back in with eachother.”

“Hn.”

“This is all my things?” He looked up peering at Oikawa and Iwaizumi. The two of them purse their lips and nod.

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t really bring a lot in the first place, Ken-chan. We did bought you a thing or two here and then, Aka-chan has even donated some clothes to you, but you always kept things to a minimum.”

He hums thoughtfully taking the backpack from Akaashi. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“It was our pleasure Kenma, you don’t need to.”

There’s a hand at his elbow and Kenma peers over his shoulder to look at Kuroo. “The taxi’s here.” He looks at the yellow vehicle waiting for the two of them to enter.

“Don’t worry! We’ll give you some space to get readjusted with things,” Bokuto slaps Akaashi on the back and sends them a wide, bright grin. Kuroo returns it while Kenma slips into a modest hug with the raven haired beauty, returning the same favor to Oikawa and Iwaizumi who hold him just as fiercely.

“We’re right here.”

“You can call us any time.”

“Say the word and we’ll make his life hell.”

Kenma appreciates all the whispered promises, thinking he’s made some really good friends. Oikawai and Iwaizumi promise they’ll be in touch, Akaashi promising he’d stop by some time soon. He doesn’t notice Bokuto making some vague gestures he expects Kenma to understand, but really doesn’t.

He tells them another goodbye and lets Kuroo lead him to the taxi. Lets Kuroo open his door and slides in first. There’s a seat between the two of them as they drive out of the curb from the hospital. He sees his friends watching him as they slowly disappear into the distance, watches as the taxi easily moves into traffic blending in with every car on the street.

Kenma watches normalcy pass him by without a second thought. He glances at Kuroo from the corner of his eye, the other staring outside his window, face hidden by that wild hair of his.

He wonders what Kuroo thinks of as normal and if their opinions match.

~(*)~

Kuroo holds the door open for him, Kenma standing infront of the door of their apparently shared apartment.

Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

Looking into the apartment gives him as many mixed emotions as looking at Kuroo does. He shuffles in quietly, clutching the backpack to his chest as if it’ll protect him somehow. He doesn’t miss the encouraging smile the other sends him.

“Home sweet home-ah! Here let me,” Kuroo takes the backpack from him, letting Kenma take off his shoes.

No matter where he looks there’s an overwhelming amount of nostalgia and sadness. His fingers press lightly onto the couch, letting himself sink into the cushions. He almost feels guilty in all of this, and he can’t pinpoint whether that’s from coming back here or from leaving in the first place.

His eyes find a console and a basket filled with controllers. A little to the side is a wide collection of games he has no recognition with, but there’s a pull that he cannot resist. He crawls over looking at the collection and taking it in, not touching a single one.

He has no idea what the games are about other than from the title and the cover art, but each title brings him happiness and comfort, a small comfort in this large pool of anxiety. How much time did he have to play all these? To play each game, and probably unlock every little bit of it he could get his hands on.

“You want to play?”

Kuroo stands over him, hands in his pockets, meeting Kenma’s eyes. He blinks slowly and shakes his head, standing to his feet and shuffling away. He peers into the kitchen, sees bags on the counter, and his stomach rumbles in response.

He moves away to check out the rest of the apartment. Everything is mundane enough that it leaves Kenma feelings baffled. He’s not entirely sure what he was expecting, maybe something bad or grotesque, but there’s nothing out of the ordinary. It’s so mundane that that’s what makes him offkilter.

He stops infront of a door and is seized with so much fear he almost stumbles back.

The door is simple, and nothing out of ordinary, that there’s literally no reason for him to question things.

But the feelings he has grip his chest tightly, suffocating him, while his heart beats faster and faster out of panic. He doesn’t know why, can’t explain it, but he cannot open that door. The door is shut closed, it probably leads to the main room of the apartment. But there’s a nagging feeling, a terrifying feeling if he opens it up he’ll find something he won’t like.

That whatever lies behind that door is going to break him, going to crush him, and he won’t be able to piece himself back together.

The thought shakes him to the point where his eyes water. Kenma doesn’t know, cannot explain why if asked, he just feels. He just feels so, so, so hurt and disappointed.

“Kenma?” Kuroo calls from behind him, his voice distant, most likely in the kitchen.

He turns his back to the door and heads back to where he is, just wanting to get away from that door. Kuroo is cooking something on the stove, glances at him, and readies a drink for him.

“I’ll have lunch ready in a few minutes.”

Kenma takes the glass, doesn’t reply, keeping his stare on the wall across from his seat. If he looked at Kuroo now, he’s sure he’d break.

~(*)~

They end up falling into a routine as days go by. Kenma sleeps on the couch because he can’t be near that door and whatever is in that room. He spends his day just inside the apartment, getting acquainted with the collection of games he has. Kuroo wakes him up in the morning, he cooks their meals, and often is either working from home, talking on the phone to his boss or colleagues, or watches Kenma play.

They don’t talk much, or Kenma doesn’t, but that doesn’t seem to be anything new as Kuroo takes his silence in stride. Their routine is simple, and occasionally Kuroo will fuss over him if he’s being a picky eater or if he’s stubborn about taking his medication. But he’s always there, and it doesn’t feel wrong.

Everyone calls or texts him. He answers their calls, and occasionally answers their texts. If really persistent, they video call him and Kenma takes it to a different part of the apartment to avoid any catastrophes.

Their routine is broken when Kuroo has return to work.

He seems reluctant, wanting to stay home, but he cannot ignore his job. So he negotiates with his captain, someone named Sawamura, to see if he can adjust his hours a bit so that he leaves a little later in the morning to make sure Kenma is alright before leaving.

Sawamura seems sympathetic and agrees to letting it slide for the first week. It’s not everyday your lover gets amnesia, but they do have a case and it’s getting close to the point where they can finally bring in the culprits.

He tilts his head watching as Kuroo readies his things. He’s scrambling to shove papers in his bag, trying to get everything ready so he can make it in time for his train.

“Food in the fridge, just heat it up. I’ve set an alarm so you remember to take your medication-please don’t ignore it. I’ll be back at around 5. If you gotta go anywhere, just-” He turns to face him apprehension all over his face, “-just, call me? Send me a text? Just anything. Tell the receptionist to shoot me a message if you’d rather do it tha-”

Through his rambling, Kenma had grabbed his scarf, reaching up to wrap it around Kuroo’s neck. The other watches him with wide eyes, still as a statue, and he’s almost positive he’s not even breathing. Once he’s secured the scarf on the other, he steps back, and nods.

“Okay, Kuroo.”

He looks like he wants to say something more, it’s all on the verge of his tongue and he needs that last push to get it through. Kenma doesn’t let him, glancing at the clock.

“Okay,” Kuroo lets out quietly, grabbing his things, hesitating to leave, “I’ll see you when I get home.”

~(*)~

“You’re okay?”

“Fine.”

“Keeeennnnmaaaaaaaaa! You can be honest with me!”

“I am.”

“Keeeeennnnnmmmmaaaaaaa!”

He can’t fight the small smile on his face and lets Hinata whine. His phone is infront of him, the call on speaker phone while he fights this boss fight.

“I really am, Hinata. Kuroo hasn’t done anything-I don’t think.”

“You don’t think!?!? So he has done something!! Hold on! I’m coming-”

“No, no,” He grimaces as his character dies, “I just meant that he’s been really careful with me.”

“If he wasn’t, I’d fight him!”

“I know.”

“…..Do you really want to be there Kenma?”

The question makes him pause, allowing the boss to get a hit in. He contemplates the question and wonders what his wants really are.

People want this and that of him, and for the most part, he’s just gone along with it, because he really has no idea what else to do.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi are good people with good intentions, he thanks them from the bottom of his heart for being so considerate. He can’t imagine what spurred them on to house him and protect him so fiercely, but he’s not regretful of it.

Hinata is wonderful, treating him as if he was never a piece of glass in the first place. Once he learned he was amnesiac, he mourned for a few minutes for their lost memories together, but promised to make new ones that was sure he’d remember lifetimes from now.

Akaashi is a like another part of him. There’s a bond between the two of them that is unbreakable and he provides him a peace of mind. Their conversations always soothe him and there’s never a stressful or exhausting moment between the two.

But part of him is sad that he cannot remember these people. Obviously he meant something to them, and he can’t imagine the hurt they’re going through knowing that his memories of them and their time together are just gone.

A part of him is regretful that he lost so much time in such a short moment. Another part of him is happy he doesn’t remember.

Kenma sees them, even if he pretends he doesn’t. Their pitying looks, the moments where they pause during something to see if it’ll trigger a memory, when they stop mid speech right before they’re about to recount a tale that happened.

He takes it in stride and gives them the comfort that he doesn’t notice. That their lapses won’t put themselves on the spot, and just continue on as if nothing happened.

His memories, while vital, he wonders if maybe it’s for the best he doesn’t remember. Seeing how tense things are, the mixed feelings he has in general about things, he wonders if losing his memories is like a chance to start fresh.

That is something greater and better for the both of them.

Whatever it is Kuroo did, it’s hurting him as much as it did Kenma when he remembered, but he knows Kuroo is doing whatever he can to make up for it as well.

Does that count as something? Or does Kenma latch onto the small part of himself that is bitter and angry at Kuroo for only trying now when he’s clueless.

His character dies again and he cranes his neck, trying to sort out his thoughts.

He doesn’t know what he wants. Not now, not anymore atleast. These feelings of his are the only thing guiding him in this moment, and even then they’re confusing.

He just knows he needs to linger for a bit longer, just stay with Kuroo just a bit more. Is he waiting for something to happen? For whatever spark they had to rekindle, for the moment where it all comes rushing back to him and he explodes, for when Kuroo decides to come clean?

Kenma doesn’t know. He never knows anymore.

He starts the level, after adding more potions and weapons into his inventory, “Yeah. I think I need to be.”

~(*)~

True to his word, Kuroo comes back at the promised time. He’d sent texts throughout the day to check up on him, even calling at around 2 just to be sure.

Kenma takes the bags from him and begins to sort through them. There’s a box of apple pie that he keeps coming back to, and his stomach rumbles in response.

He laughs, but promises him they can eat it after dinner, “You can have a slice after dinner, wouldn’t want you to ruin your appetite.”

“It won’t.” Kenma’s picking at the box, but doesn’t open it.

Kuroo’s readying the ingredients and Kenma shuffles back to his games. He pauses infront of the clock, staring at it intently. Fingers fiddling with his sleeves and he sends Kuroo a glance.

“Something wrong with the clock, Kitten?”

“No.” He turns away from the clock, shuffling back to his spot in the living room. “Just….” He fiddles with the controller in his hand, keeping his attention on the screen.

“Just?” Kuroo lingers in his spot by the hallway entrance, his expression concerned.

“….Just had a feeling you’d be late.”

Kuroo doesn’t answer him, floundering for a moment, before he nods quietly, slipping into the hallway. He restarts his game and Kuroo takes a really long shower that night. Dinner is a quiet affair, but the two share a slice of pie during a round of Mario Kart after.

~(*)~

His phone beeps on morning, an alert flashing on the screen. Kenma reads it over carefully and he looks around wondering what to do. No one is around and there’s no one he can really call.

Floundering about for a moment, Kenma wanders the apartment for something to help him. There’s nothing he finds that does, other than a stove lighter in one of the drawers.

He thinks to check the main room-their room- and lingers in front of it. The negative feelings that consume him don’t go away, only intensifies as he reaches for the doorknob. Since he’s moved back in, Kenma’s avoided going in, too fearful of what lays inside it.

His throat dries up, his hands are sweaty, and he’s almost convinced something with pop out at him, like a monster from his game.

His hand encloses around the knob and slowly he twists, ignoring the sick feeling in his stomach, and pushes it open.

There’s nothing inside that pops out at him, and the room is just as mundane as the rest of the apartment.

He steps inside, legs quivering, and looks around. The light from the room comes from the window, natural sunshine, and everything is left bare for him to see.

There’s a volleyball poster up on the wall, a walk in closet, a hamper right next to it. The bed is large, either a queen or a king, perfect to fit two bodies. The bedding is a little corny, patterned with cats on it, but is friendly and welcoming.

Kenma has the urge to slip in and the sleep that’ll consume him will be more comfortable than the couch he’s been sleeping in.

There’s two drawers on either side of the bed, one has an alarm clock and lap, while the other has a picture collage. He leans down to look and it’s of him and Kuroo. The two are younger looking, excited, happy. He’s dressed in graduation garbs while Kuroo stands next to him, arm thrown around his shoulder, with a grin that could light up the world.

In another the two are children, Kuroo balancing a volleyball between his arm and his hip. He looks uncomfortable infront of the camera, hiding slightly behind the other. There’s one of Kuroo dressed in gakuran, and in another there’s one of himself holding a game, not even noticing he’s being photographed.

Kenma straightens up, he feels tight in his chest, but the pictures give him an airy sort of feeling. He looks through the drawers, searching and finds an envelope in one of them.

It’s heavy in his hand, for more than one reason. He opens it up to find numerous bills, more than enough for one person. Kenma can’t imagine why Kuroo has it, or needs it, but he knows it was intended for Kuroo.

Kenma almost feels like throwing it away, the nauseating feeling it gives him, is similar to the one the room itself does. He puts it back exactly how he finds it, walking out of the room, slightly shaking.

He found nothing, but feels like he found everything.

Slipping on a jacket and grabbing his wallet, he heads towards the door. There’s a key hanging on the wall, and he assumes it’s to the apartment. Kenma takes it and walks outside. He tests the key and finds his theory was correct.

On the main floor of the apartment, he sees one of the receptionist, a quiet fellow by the name of Fukunaga, and approaches him letting him know he’ll be gone for a bit.

The other nods, steady eyes watching him, but Kenma promises he’ll come back.

He steps out into the streets and looks around, unsure of the area. His phone is the only thing that guides him, and he makes notes to remember the direction he’s coming from, until he stands infront of a building with a bright colored sign. People enter and exit, smiles on their faces.

Kenma slips into the store and his nose is hit with delicious smells from all around him. Gripping the sleeves of his jacket, he shuffles closer to the displays, and leaves with his wallet feeling lighter.

~(*)~

Kuroo is tired but excited when he comes back home. They’ve caught the criminal, detained him, and his trial starts next week. His team is promised a break for all the hardwork they’ve done, and Sawamura and someone named Kai will be the ones to explain the evidence in court.

Kenma congratulates him, blinks, then offers him a hug.

His eyes widen, and for a moment he hesitates, before he’s wrapping his arms around him so tightly that it almost hurts. Kuroo presses his face to the top of his head, his form trembling. His voice is so quiet that Kenma almost believes he didn’t hear him, but he does and pretends he didn’t.

“I’ve missed this.”

He lets Kuroo be the one to pull away and follows him to the kitchen. Kuroo pretends he said nothing, “So where should we eat? This calls for a celebration.”

“Here.”

“Here?”

Kenma doesn’t repeat himself, only nodding, as he pulls on his sleeves. “I want to stay in tonight.”

“Okay. Okay, Kenma. We can stay here. I’ll get started on dinner-” He shakes his head and pulls open the refrigerator door, showing plates of prepared food ready to be heated up and served. Kuroo stares, jaw slack.

“I… prepared ahead of time.”

“….Why? I mean-I’m thankful, I’m just...”

“I wanted to talk.”

“About?”

“Not yet. Later.” Kenma’s pulling plates from the fridge and setting them on the counter. Kuroo approaches him, hand on the small of his back. “Don’t ruin the mood.”

His laugh is soft, and it’s the first time Kenma’s heard. It’s horrible. “I won’t.”

~(*)~

Kenma’s cooking is okay at best, atleast he thinks so, but Kuroo enjoys it all the same. They sit on the couch eating away as they watch at some show Kuroo likes. He has no idea what’s happening in it, considering he’s starting mid season, but it retains his attention enough.

Once they finish, the plates are placed on the table, and re-runs pass the time.

“So….”

Kuroo is horrible at trying to be subtle, Kenma jabs him in the side for it.

“Fuck!”

“I told you.” He straightens up, reaching for the remote and flickering through channels. He moves away from Kuroo’s side to sit on the floor, as he looks for a channel. “I wanted to talk about us.”

“Us?” He sounds nervous, he should be.

“We’re not…. We’re not the same.” Kenma considers his words carefully, pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his head on them. “You walk around me, skirt around certain topics.”

“I just don’t want to stress you out, the doctor said that head traumas-”

“That’s not what I mean, Kuroo. Half of you is treating me like I’m the old Kenma, the other half is treating me as if I’m some fragile baby…” He finds the channel he’s looking for and stays on it, “I think you want things of me I can’t give you.”

Kuroo doesn’t reply and he knows he’s confused.

“I’ve pretended not to notice it. The way you look at me sometimes, like you’re willing me to remember you, remember us. That I don’t notice that sometimes you look away from me as if you can’t bear to look at me.”

“What-no, never, Kenma. I… I won’t lie, I’m hurt, it hurts. You don’t remember-I can’t hold that against you, but knowing you don’t remember… That you’ve forgotten everything we’ve been through. It’s not easy, but I’m trying my best here. The doctor said that sometimes it takes time for memories to come back, yes there is a part of me that’s holding out that you will remember, but I won’t hang up on it. Not when you’re here and you’re trying.”

His finger makes pattern on their carpet, letting Kuroo continue on.

“I know you’re struggling too, having everyone but you know what’s going on. I’m trying to put my foot forward. I don’t want this to be something you come to hate, if you don’t end up remembering at all. That’s okay. I’m always going to be here for you.”

“Even when everyone seems to hate you?”

“That’s-that’s not something for you to get worked up about, I’ll handle that.” Kuroo runs a hand through his hair, “It’s just some things got out of hand.”

“You did something.” It’s not a question, it’s an accusation. Kenma stares straight at him, and he knows he’s been found out.

Kuroo stares back, hurt, shocked, and guilty, but doesn’t deny it. “You know?”

“No.” He blinks slowly, “But looking at you hurts me.” He doesn’t mean to revel in the pain that flashes across Kuroo’s face, but he does. “I don’t know what you did, if you said something, or did it, but I know you did. Whatever it was, it hurt me. Badly. So much that every time I look at you, even right now, I’m torn between feeling numb and disappointed, and feeling relief that you’re here.”

“R-Relief?”

His eyes move to the clock and he takes note of the time.

“I can’t remember much, but I know things… Feel things. Coming to this apartment and staying with you was scary, terrifying, but it didn’t feel right not being by your side. You say you’ll come home by a certain time, and you do, but there’s a nagging sensation you’re lying and I won’t see you till the early hours of the morning. Half of me wants to believe in you, but there’s another half that’s set up and ready for disappointment.”

Kuroo bites his lip, emotions laid bare on his face. Kenma wants to push back his hair and soothe him. Tell him it’ll be okay. He doesn’t want to lie though.

“You knew… You knew and you pretended you didn’t.” His eyes glisten, and his hands are clenched so tightly, his knuckles are turning white. “I didn’t… I never meant to take things that far, for it to go so long as it did.”

“Kuroo...”

“I cheated on you. Repeatedly. For two years, every day.”

He expects the confession, knew it even when he has no clue to what it was that Kuroo did. It doesn’t stop the hurt though. The agonizing feeling that takes over him, the pain that slaps him right across the face, and hurts him so badly he bites the inside of his cheek so hard it bleeds.

Kenma knew, but hearing it makes it more real. His fears and disappointment, whatever they were, ready to have his heart broken.

“I thought you didn’t know. I tried to stop, I really did, I never-Fuck. I never wanted to hurt you like that, Kenma.” Kuroo’s eyes are wide, fearful, but there’s so much honesty in his voice that it shakes him. “I love you so much, I just-I can’t explain why I did-atleast not in a way that would make any sense or any way that justifies what I did.”

“I knew but I stayed with you.”

“I tried to stop, but once I started it was like an addiction, I couldn’t. I had a feeling Akaashi knew, by the way he treated me, but you never acted any different so I thought I was safe. The day I quit cold turkey, you left me,” Kuroo wipes at his eyes, and Kenma can’t ignore his trembling body, “I came home and you weren’t there. I thought-Maybe you were just with Hinata. You spend the night there sometimes.”

Kenma clenches and unclenches his hands.

“But then after three days and you never came back, I got worried. Then I found the envelope and pieced it together. You left, disappeared and out of my life, just like that. I didn’t touch it, never used any of the money you left me.”

“Did you look for me?”

“No. But I wanted to. I thought about calling you, texting you, when I first realized it. But then I thought you wouldn’t answer.”

“I think I would have.” Kenma feels it in his body, if Kuroo tried, he would’ve answered.

“But I wasn’t worthy, Kitten. I hurt you so much, so badly, that you just left. What right did I have to try to contact you.” He doesn’t answer. “I never stopped thinking about you. How you were, if you were okay, what if something happened. I considered trying to talk to Hinata or Akaashi, but if you were with them, there was no way they’d ever give me an inkling. Not with how protective they are of you.”

Kenma rose to his feet slowly, Kuroo didn’t notice, face buried in his hands.

“But then Bokuto tipped me off you were in the hospital, and I had to go see you. I had to, came every day, but by the time you woke up, you forgot everything.” Kuroo takes a deep breath, trying to compose himself.

He listens to all of it, quietly taking a box out from where he hid it, placing the contents onto the table with some clean plates and a fork.

“I hurt you, but I love you. I never stopped, not even for a second.”

“I know,” his voice is soft, “because you kept coming back to me right? Even if you did all that, at the end of the day, I was still your number one priority, still the person you cared about the most.”

The clock reads 6:59 , just as Kuroo uncovers his face. Kenma stares at him directly, heart open, “I think I stayed for you, turned a blind eye because it was you. I loved you so much, so, so, much. Everything I did was for you.”

The clock chimes at 7:00 , and Kenma turns to face the screen just as a commercial turns on. The two of them watch it with bated breath. By the end of the commercial, the line reads:

Nekoma releasing 17.11 of next year

Kuroo stares and stares, then his eyes flicker to the birthday cake on the table.

Kenma begins to place candles on it, pulling his laptop out from under the table, “I started working on it two and half years ago. I don’t really remember it, even looking through my work, I can’t recall anything, but I knew Nekoma was special. Something very important to me, and I think it was important for you.”

“Kenma I don’t-we were...” Kuroo’s speechless.

“Kenma, if you ever make a game, you should totally name it Nekoma,” Kenma repeats the line verbatim from his memory, the only thing he can really recall. Just a child’s voice telling him that. He opens up his laptop and shows the folder containing everything related to Nekoma.

The folder’s titled For Kuroo .

“I loved you,” Kenma repeats, lighting up the last candle, “Everything I did, I did for you.”

Kuroo stills, then breaks once the realization of everything comes crashing down on him. He watches as Kuroo cries and cries and cries, apologies slipping from his mouth over and over and over. The promises of he’ll do everything in his power to make it up to Kenma, even if it takes ten life times, that he loves him, he loves him, he loves him.

Kenma rests his head on his knees, his eyes blurry, and he realizes he’s finally crying.

He simply thinks, I know , Kuroo, I know.