Screwtape Proposes an Eternity's Achievement Award

It may appear to all of you present on this auspicious occasion that my standing here to propose this award smacks somewhat of presumption, of vanity - indeed, of a truly diabolical self-satisfaction. [Cheers]

Indeed, I freely acknowledge that I could not have been the devil I am today were it not for the fortunate concatenation of circumstances which have left me for all eternity - above, below and, for all I know, even between - associated with the man we are gathered here to honour. And, lest you think such an acknowledgement smacks a little too much of that truly revolting virtue, humility, may I remind all of you just how many patients you have assisted towards eternal unrest by a judicious quotation of tonight's honoree on the subject of humility. I see the younger element murmuring the words already, but let me hear you all chant the phrase, for truly few better tools have ever been forged for use in the tempter's armoury. Let us hear you make the rafters shudder. One, two, three -

HUMILITY IS AN EROTIC NECESSITY!

And with that I shall begin my appreciation of the life and especially the works of Clive Staples Lewis, familiarly known to all of you as "Jack", who has brought so many men and women into the arms of Our Father Below, and (particularly in the case of women trapped in abusive relationships) so much sooner than they might otherwise have done in the ordinary course of events.

If your patient is an arrogant man with a bullying streak but a distaste for overt physical violence - often, in reality, based on the snobbish view that only lower class husbands beat their wives but which he mistakenly attributes to superior moral values - nothing can be better for our purposes than a judiciously applied admixture of the writings of that man Lewis.

Regrettably, Lewis's classic work Mere Christianity has too robust a flavour to appeal to the milk-nourished palates of today, save in a limited number of cases. Even cherished gems such as:

The relations of the family to the outer world - what might be called its foreign policy - must depend, in the last resort, upon the man, because he always ought to be, and usually is, much more just to the outsiders. A woman is primarily fighting for her husband and own children against the rest of the world. Naturally, almost, in a sense, rightly, their claims override, for her, all other claims. She is the special trustee of their interests. The function of the husband is to see that this natural preference of hers is not given its head. He has the last word in order to protect other people from the intense family patriotism of the wife

may provoke precisely the opposite effect to the one intended; a hearty gale of honest-to-goodness laughter, or, at best, an embarrassed muttering that Lewis's opinions on marriage were "of their time".

Even the latter response can still be turned to our account with judicious handling provided the "of our time" response can be carefully nurtured to fan any flickering of longing on the patient's part for a time travel device to transport him back to such halcyon days. Indeed, my colleague Sluggub confirms that judicious alternation of the relevant passages in Mere Chistianity with a gift of the complete DVD boxed set of the first series of Ashes to Ashes can produce most satisfactory effects. Reinforcing the notion that behaviours which would be dismissed as arrant bigotry today simply reflect the honest expressions of a simpler, more straightforward age is always highly productive, and once the patient can be persuaded to utter the words "political correctness run mad" when confronted with some issue of common civility or basic justice then, my friends, he is half-way into our arms.

However, these are sophisticated tactics, and the beauty of "Jack's" approach is how well it lends itself to the common touch. For ordinary 21 century patients, therefore, Mere Christianity represents a rocky obstacle to be circumvented rather than a rich pile of manure with which to nurture promising buds of hypocrisy, arrogance, pride and mental and physical cruelty.

Happily, the little spiritual manual which we issue to those elite spirits chosen to guide the leading lights of the Oxford Intercollegiate Christian Union and its equivalents in other institutes of lower education explains exactly the tactic to take so as to convert the problematic issues presented by Mere Christianity into positive strengths for our case.

I need not explain to such a spiritually sophisticated audience the merits of convincing those patients who set out to witness their so-called faith to others that "All's fair in love, war and proselytising". If someone can be persuaded to witness by means of deliberate untruth not only are they likely to be ours within short order, but the most likely response of the potential convert should the deceit be discovered will be a wholesale rejection not merely of the preacher but of their faith, coupled with a most useful - because empirically demonstrable - conviction that lies and hypocrisy are at the root of much organised religion.

Mere Christianity offers unrivalled opportunities in this regard. If you should have such a one as your patient be sure to make sure they read every difficult area; paint each claim made by Lewis in its most problematic light. Convince them that many of the potential converts who come within their kin will only have heard of Jack through his children's writings or - more probably - through the cinematographic representations of the same.

And then draw to your patient's attention - just when they may feel at their most vulnerable and uncertain about the way forward - the dangers which any argument based on the "of its time" line of reasoning will have should any potential convert choose to apply it not to Mere Christianity alone but to some of the more problematic writings of St Paul.

You will, I am sure, see where I am going. The patient - convinced by now that nothing will be more dangerous for the purpose of promulgating his or her faith to others than actually letting them read Jack's theological works for themselves - will have to arm themselves to parry such an attempt, while still reinforcing Jack's talismatic position as a pre-eminent believer and Christian writer.

Truly, while our Father Below is in truth the father of lies, we have seen some very pretty tributes to his skill produced by this particular spiritual dilemma. Sluggub I think spoke for us all in saying, "Truly, if AN Wilson had not existed, OICCU would have been forced to invent him."

However, while extremely valuable effects can be produced by the idea of Jack Lewis, quite divorced from his writings (which, in the mass, contain much which is irrelevant or actively harmful to our spiritual purposes) for some particular types only the words themselves will do - carefully selected and judiciously filletted, naturally.

This section from The Four Loves is redolent with possibilities:

The husband is the head of the wife just in so far he is to her what Christ is to the Church. He is to love her as Christ loved the Church - read on - and gave his life for her...As Christ sees in the flawed, proud, fanatical or lukewarm Church on earth that Bride who will one day be without spot or wrinkle, and labours to produce the latter, so the husband whose headship is Christ-like (and he is allowed no other sort) never despairs...it is, nonetheless, the persecuted or martyred Christian in whom the pattern of the Master is most unambiguously realised. So, in these terrible marriages, once they have come about, the "headship" of the husband, if only he can sustain it, is most Christ-like.

The sternest feminist need not grudge my sex the crown offered to it either in the Pagan or the Christian mystery. For the one is of paper and the other of thorns. The real danger is not that husbands may grasp the latter too eagerly; but that they will allow or compel their wives to usurp it.

What worlds of domestic misery does this vision open up, with on the one hand husbands convinced that by putting up with their wives' unjustified complaints ("Dejen de torturarme, por favor") they are earning themselves a martyr's crown, and on the other happy in their knowledge that they are doing it lest the woman's spiritual welfare be harmed!

Note, too, the care with which Jack never - even in that collaboration between us to which I owe my present fame - hinted that there might be a spiritual downside to such delusions of grandeur, such untrammelled power being placed in fallible mortal hands.

Truly, a master of his sphere. I call on you all to rise, and join with me in honouring Jack Lewis!