Chapter Text
“I remember the first time I saw a body. It's not what I expected. People always say that when you die it looks as if you’re just peacefully asleep, an eternal slumber that consumes all. But it’s not. There's nothing peaceful about it. You’re gone… There's nothing there. The skin goes cold, grey, sallow and you start to decay almost immediately. There is no angel to see you off, no love or protection. You're there, and then you’re not. In an instant your flame is extinguished and all that's left are light wisps of smoke that dissipate without trace.
I remember the first time I saw that happen. It was so sudden. I didn't know how to react. She was standing just in front of me. We were walking and she was so happy to be out of the house after so long being bed ridden. I remember my hand in hers, so much smaller. Then she was gone, a flame snuffed out, a light bulb blown.
She was yanked away from me. Twisting my wrist sharply and causing it to break.
I was in shock. The suddenness chilling me to the core. The image of her body being flung over the bonnet of the speeding grey sedan, leaving her twisted, broken and bloody. The vehicle, now dressed with spots of red, hit the wall, crushing, breaking, shattering. The first thing that hit my heightened senses was the screaming, the screaming of passing pedestrians. Parents shielded their children's eyes, Women with their eyes wide, men frozen amidst the chaos.
There was a hand on my shoulder pulling me away from what was left...from all of the blood and the twist of metal. It was a strong grip that lead me down the street and kept me walking. As we travelled I began to feel pain radiate out from my wrist. With unfocused eyes I glanced down at my purpling skin and noticed her charm bracelet in my hand. It must have snapped when she was... I didn't feel the tears on my face until they hit the bracelet.
The next time I saw death, tall and consuming, I was twenty-four. I was walking home the same route I had walked a thousand times. My friend and co-worker Carter had decided to walk with me to ‘keep you safe in case anyone tried to jump you on your walk home, the streets can be really dangerous at night.’ We had been flirting for a few weeks and I had a soft spot for him. I shouldn't have. As we walked I glanced up and in the distance saw a large figure roaming towards us. It wasn't until it was only meters away I realised it was the figure of a man, and that he was holding something. I caught glimpse of the gun too late. Raising it, the main fired round after round at Carter. Bullets tore into his chest, ripping the flesh open in small circles.
He fell without ceremony and I collapsed beside him. The ground quickly soaked by the pool of his blood. This time i could feel the tears as they dripped from my eyes. I pressed my shaking hands against the wound, trying to keep the blood in him, but he was gone. Washed away as his blood was the next morning.
With his task complete the man sloughed and sighed heavily. He looked at peace as he dropped his gun near the body and walked away. I should have picked it up. I should have used it. I should have. But I didn’t.
After that, I gave up. I didn't want to see any more pain, anyone else suffer around me. I shut myself off, both physically and emotionally. If I didn't care about them then it wouldn't matter if they died. If I didn't care then they wouldn't get hurt.
But that didn’t help, so many others died around me. Drowned, stabbed, crushed, poisoned, hung, suffocated, broken, starved. Everywhere I looked people died, in pain and alone. People I knew, people who were just face in a crowd. I saw so many painful ends… so many numb faces. So much fear in their final moments.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I broke! The moment I did my shattered mind heard whispers. Old and young, they muttered horrible things. They whispered to me, telling me how I let them die. How I did nothing. They burst forth growing louder, deafeningly louder, filling my head to the point of breaking. It was a pounding ache behind my eyes, a wave of nauseous souls screaming “We hate you. We hate you, We hate you”
In anger I grabbed the nearest thing to me and threw it, it was a glass bowl that shattered on impact with the brick walls of my apartment. Welling up I hesitated a moment before wandering over to the shards and started collecting them.
“Fool. Idiot. You didn't save us.”
“STOP IT”, I cried, picking up the pieces of glass. With shaky hands a razor-sharp sliver dropped and sliced into my palm. Blood oozed and seeped from the wound and at the sight of it the voices became stilled.
Silence.