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The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from severe one-sided love, where the patient throws up flower petals until they suffocate to death. The only cure is to have that love reciprocated, or to undergo surgery to remove the plant which wipes all memories and feelings for their beloved.
It starts on a Monday.
Jian Yi’s throat has been increasingly scratchy, ever since he saw the love letter tucked in that girl’s palm.
It irritated him a lot, that this random girl would try to make a move on HIS best friend. He coughs a little and considers buying a pack of cough drops from the canteen before he approaches her. Jian Yi gives her the occasional scathing look when she hides behind yet another pillar, like she actually thinks if she can’t see him she’s concealed.
Of course he’s not thinking anything malicious as she gives the seal of her letter a giddy kiss, he was just looking out for his best friend. That was a thing, right?
He manages to corner her, and successfully plucks the letter from her grasp with a bullshit promise. Jian Yi grins, but suddenly is at a loss on what to actually do with it. Burn it? Blow his nose on it?
Zhan Zhengxi gives him a huge reality check later that day, and Jian Yi is suddenly branded as an outsider. A meddler.
His throat tightens, and he quickly dumps the stupid love letter onto Zhan Zhengxi’s desk and hurries out of the classroom. Turbulent feelings are rushing through him, choking him up as he makes the worst realisation he’s had to date.
He was jealous.
But worst of all, he realised that he had feelings for his best friend. Jian Yi should’ve known when he held his hand during that sleepover when he thought Zhan Zhengxi was asleep.
He coughs and a single bright yellow petal falls from his lips onto his palm.
Instantly his blood runs cold, and his hand holding the death petal goes clammy.
It could only mean one thing, and he he didn’t want to believe it. He had the Hanahaki disease.
Jian Yi crushes it in his fist.
—-
This can not be happening, he thinks. No way. There had to be some way to reverse this.
Jian Yi purposefully allows himself to be carted off by He Tian, thinking that if maybe he squashed it down and truly repressed it, the plant would die off on its own.
Unfortunately this plan backfires pretty quickly when a shirtless Zhan Zhengxi put his sweaty shirt on top of his head and patted it before he left for the game.
Jian Yi quickly ducks his head and coughs another few petals into his palm.
—
The flowers keep coming every time Zhan Zhengxi does something that makes his heart flutter, which unfortunately was a common occurrence. When Zhan brings out the sparklers on his birthday, Jian Yi weakly thinks ‘Is he actively trying to kill me?’
He wishes on the stars to live to spend his next birthday with Zhan Zhengxi. The sparks illuminate his best friend’s face, giving his features sharp angles bathed in an orange glow.
Zhan won’t tell him what his wish was, but instead presses him with a question.
'Are you happy?’
'Of course,’ he lies easily with a smile that looks too forced to be genuine. 'Why wouldn’t I be?’
When Zhan Zhengxi protects him from Mo and promptly gets smashed over the head with a rock, it was like the world was frozen. His blood turns to ice, and he gets tunnel vision as he hears the shouts for someone to call the paramedics. He clings numbly onto Zhan’s unconscious body, and has to be forcefully pried off him when the ambulance arrives. They let him ride in the back, and he tries not to vomit flowers onto his shoelaces.
But by far the worst was when he woke up to the sounds of soft breathing next to him in the hospital bed. During the night Zhan Zhengxi had placed his arm around his waist, so Jian Yi’s head was tucked protectively in the space underneath his chin and his collarbone.
Suddenly he’s hit with a wave of nausea and he leaps off the bed and vomits silently into the hospital toilet.
The flowers spin prettily as they are flushed into the void. Zhan Zhengxi is too drugged up from the painkillers to notice.
The nurse is understandably alarmed, and urges him to undergo surgery to remove the plant. But once she mentions that his memories of Zhan Zhengxi would cease to exist, he vehemently buckles down.
'Surely there’s another way.’ Jian Yi insists desperately. 'He’s been my best friend since we were five.’
'I’m sorry,’ she answers, eyes sympathetic. 'It’s either that or he returns your feelings. You only have a few weeks to decide before it suffocates you.’
–
When Zhan Zhengxi snaps off half of his cracker and offers it to Jian Yi, He Tian notices him stiffen.
Jian Yi tries to say something but Zhan Zhengxi simply shoves his half into his best friend’s mouth, effectively shutting him up. The dark haired boy notices his face go bright red as he watches Zhan Zhengxi leave to collect his papers.
But what he also catches is Jian Yi coughing up a single delicate flower after swallowing the cracker.
He Tian’s breath hitches in his throat. 'Is that…’
Jian Yi spins around, his expression a deer caught in the headlights.
'You’re dying.’ He Tian states blankly, staring at the flower on his desk.
'I know.’ Jian Yi says, kneading his bottom lip with his teeth.
His classmate’s dark eyebrows furrow. ’…You need to tell Zhan Zhengxi your feelings.’
Jian Yi’s neck snaps back in shock, or more like in acute horror. How did he know-
He Tian looks at him solemnly. ’…Why won’t you tell him?’
Jian Yi’s mouth opens as he’s about to say something, but snaps it shut. His olive eyes swim with a pained emotion, tears pricking in the corner of his eyes.
’…Because I’m scared.’ He takes a deep breath. 'Because I know he doesn’t feel the same.’ Jian Yi feels the flowers rising in his throat like bile, its stalks scratching against his words. 'When he rejects me, I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive it.’
'But why not the surgery?’
'I…I haven’t told my mother yet. She would want to know who it is…and…she won’t react well. The surgery is expensive too, and it’s been difficult since she’s a single parent…she works late you see…’
Excuses, excuses. He’s just bad at letting go- he can’t stand the thought of waking up from surgery, having forgotten who Zhan Xixi is and having their decade of memories together erased. His best friend would be so hurt.
'You still need to do it, if you know he won’t ever love you back.’
Jian Yi closes his eyes. 'I know. But I have time.’
He twirls the yellow flower in the space between his fingers, and plucks a petal off one by one.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
—
Why did he do this? Why did he kiss him?
Was he so desperate for an answer from his best friend? To hope for him to love him back when he knew it was hopeless?
He has gotten his answer though, in the form of a swift punch and very harsh rejection.
Jian Yi vomits daisies as he runs, not looking as they get trampled underneath pedestrians feet. People turn back to stare in alarm as he pushes past them, cars honk at him as he weaves across the road. His heart is breaking and he can’t breathe, the plant was killing him, suffocating-
'Jian Yi!’
Zhan Zhengxi had followed him. Jian Yi swallows down the petals through sheer willpower, clasping a hand over his mouth as he runs. He can barely see at this point, the rain blinding him as he squashed down his feelings.
Jian Yi can hear him calling out his name, but cannot risk responding or slowing down in fear of throwing up again.
The rain is pouring down around them.
One thought is clear.
I’m so stupid for thinking I would be understood.
Zhan Zhengxi tackles him to the ground, and demands answers Jian Yi can’t give. He feels hot and cold all over, and cups his hand over his mouth to forcefully quell the flowers forcing itself up his esophagus. Zhan interprets this action as him refusing to talk, and presses again.
Do you like men?
For the first time Jian Yi hopes the Hanahaki disease kills him here, right this second. He didn’t know how he could face him again after this. Unfortunately it doesn’t strike him dead on the spot and instead of flowers, tears roll down his face.
When he gets home, he promptly vomits yellow daisies onto his bedroom floor. This time scarlet drops of blood stain the wood.
–
It’s the next morning, and he’s gotten texts from Zhan Zhengxi to meet up.
He’s forgotten he had school, and didn’t know how to decline when Zhan Zhengxi was already waiting at the station. He’s always been bad at turning down his crush’s requests.
To make matters worse, his whole bedroom looks like it’s been raided by a flower shop by a pantless girl on her period.
It’ll be fine, he uneasily reasons to himself. He could get the surgery and forget about this whole thing, right? Cautiously he touches his throat, but it seemed to have subsided. For now.
Slowly he got up and went about his normal routine, watching the petals swirling down the drain as he showered. He thinks of their precious memories spanning a lifetime that he would lose.
A young Zhan Zhengxi, holding his hand as he reassured him about his mother. Zhan Zhengxi from last week, glowing from the orange sparks that lit the starry sky. The feeling of Zhan Zhengxi’s body pressed up against his. His bedhead and sleepy eyes when he woke up next to him in the hospital bed. The softness of Zhan Zhengxi’s lips from the stolen kiss.
He bites his own lip, tears welling in his eyes. I don’t want to forget you, and all the moments we had together. I love you. I love you. I love you…
Would Zhan Zhengxi be okay with being forgotten? After what he did to him last night, perhaps he would be happy about freed from the shackles of having to protect him all the time. Sometimes it felt like his friend barely tolerated him, and only so because of their long history and promises spanning all the way from childhood.
I’m the only one who can’t let go, he realises. A life without Zhan Zhengxi isn’t a life worth living. His best friend was the only reason he had even gotten this far.
Alternatively he wonders how he would react if he did die.
—
Zhan Zhengxi keeps insisting on knowing what he’s thinking.
But he can’t possibly say 'I’m in love with you, and I’m literally dying from it,’ can he?
Jian Yi has been avoiding him all morning after the scuffle with that redhead. He hopes to talk to that nice nurse again, and ask her what she meant about him having a couple weeks when he was already vomiting blood into the toilet.
'You look pale.’ Zhan Zhengxi says, reaching out to tuck a blonde strand from his clammy face. 'I’ll take you to the infirmary.’
Jian Yi steps back like he’s been electrocuted, and swallows down the unholy concoction of blood and flowers as best he can. 'I-I’m fine. I’ll go by myself.’ He’s afraid if he looks at him in the eyes he’ll have to rush to the bathroom again.
So he withdraws, fearful of Zhan Zhengxi finding out his secret. He tries to ignore the hurt expression on his best friend’s face.
I still have time, Jian Yi reasons. He wasn’t ready to let go just yet.
—
He’s run out of time.
Jian Yi had been on his way to the infirmary when he had seen the crowd surrounding a pink love letter plastered over the bulletin board.
He thought he at least another week to make his decision, or at least mentally prepare himself for the surgery. What he had failed to account for was the accelerated rate of the plant from the failed kiss attempt the night before and that girl.
Abnormal. Abnormal. Abnormal. Disgusting. Disgusting gay-
The sound of her screaming in fear, white hot rage and pain piercing his knuckles, and finally Zhan Zhengxi witnessing just how terrible of a human being he really was.
I’m sorry, Zhan Xixi. I’m not the person you thought I was. I’m sorry I can’t be happy for you.
He tears his arm from Zhan’s grip, breaking into a run as he feels the flowers and the metallic tang of blood rise up in his throat. Jian Yi doesn’t look back, knowing Zhan Zhengxi would stay behind to comfort the black haired girl sobbing amongst her confession letters for his best friend. She still had a chance- if Zhan Zhengxi accepted her feelings at least one of them would survive.
—
Jian Yi finds himself curled up next to the toilet bowl in the boys bathroom. He can hear the tap running, overflowing the sink in which he had unintentionally blocked the drainage with flowers.
Yellow petals float on the surface of the water above the cold tiles, the red blooms of blood mixing in with the water beginning to flood the bathroom. He must’ve vomited his body weight in flowers by now. Jian Yi’s eyes flutter as he drifts in and out of consciousness.
I waited too long, he thinks. He had reached the last stage. Jian Yi can see his reflection in the water, his skin startlingly ashen as the grey colour of his hair. He would forget Zhan Zhengxi, and this world, and soon enough death would come. Oddly enough, the thought didn’t scare him anymore. If there was one person on this earth worth dying for, it would be Zhan Xixi.
Suddenly he hears the door squeak open, and the sound of splashes mixed with the sound of someone cursing as the taps are turned off.
'Jian Yi! Are you here?!’ The voice sounds frantic, and he barely registers it as someone scoops his limp body up from the cold water. 'Fuck! Jian Yi, wake up!’ It says, more forcefully. 'Jian Yi!’
Jian Yi manages to crack his eyes open to see his own reflection in Zhan Zhengxi’s eyes.
’…Xi?’ He mumbles, as he recognises his best friend’s face swimming in and out of focus.
'You’re vomiting flowers?! Why didn’t you tell me you had Hanahaki disease?’ Zhan Zhengxi grits out, his firm hands shaking. 'There’s blood everywhere-I-I could’ve helped you.’ He shakes his head, realising his attempts to berate him as wasting time. 'We need to get you to the hospital-’
Jian Yi tangles his hand together with Zhan Zhengxi’s. 'It’s okay.’ He sighs, as Zhan clenches his hand. 'It’s- it’s probably too late for surgery…’ He knew he probably only had a few minutes at best the way he could feel his heartbeat slowing down.
He hears Zhan Zhengxi start to sob, tears dripping onto their clasped hands. His sky blue eyes are raining, he realises.
'Zhan Xixi…don’t cry…’ Jian Yi says weakly. Zhan Zhengxi furiously scrubs his face with his sleeve.
'Hey…thank you for staying with an abnormal guy like me…’ Jian Yi swallows. 'I’m sorry for being so stupid…’
Zhan Zhengxi shakes his head forcefully. 'No, you stop that. You’re not abnormal.’
'Thanks,’ Jian Yi lets out a breathy laugh, and then coughs out another flower stained with blood. He decides to say what’s been on his mind the past week.
'I love you.’ Jian Yi whispers.
Zhan Zhengxi’s eyes go wide at his best friend’s confession.
'I’m sorry for being so selfish…I didn’t want to forget you, or the memories we shared…so I ended up waiting too long.’
He rasps, coughing up more bloodied daisies.
'Can you…just stay here? I don’t want to be alone…’
Suddenly he feels something warm and wet press against his lips, and his eyes snap back open.
'Zhan Xixi…?’
'Don’t leave me…’ He chokes out. 'Jian Yi…I..’ He grips tighter onto his hand. 'I love you. Please don’t go.’
Disbelief paints Jian Yi’s features. 'Xi? What are you- it’s no use, lying won’t do anything-’
'I’m not lying!’ Zhan Zhengxi bursts out. 'What happened last night, I thought you were doing it to embarrass me in front of my sister.
I didn’t know you meant it since you told me to forget what happened.’
Jian Yi is at a loss for words.
'I love you, Jian Yi. I’m sorry I took so long.’
Jian Yi feels choked up, but for a different reason this time. He gently pulls down Zhan’s head but before he can kiss him, the nausea returns and he turns away to cough into his palm.
He coughs up another flower. Instead of bright yellow, it’s a faded grey, and crumbles in his hand.
Zhan Zhengxi grabs him in alarm, but Jian Yi laughs, almost giddy.
The fuzziness in his head begins to clear, and he feels like he can see, hear, breathe again.
'Zhan Xixi!’ He exclaims. 'It’s-it’s dying! The plant-’
Zhan Zhengxi suddenly envelops him into a bone crushing hug.
'Don’t ever do that to me again!’ He gasps, and Jian Yi blinks at the sudden movement. 'God, I was so scared.’
'It’s okay now, Xixi.’ Jian Yi says softly, and this time he means it.
–
Things don’t change much, except now they kiss a lot more. To his surprise, Zhan actually initiates most of them. Jian Yi memorises each and every sensation as they kiss, and often he smiles into it because he can’t believe how unbelievably lucky he is.
They hold hands when they walk to and from school, and Zhan accepts his jump hugs instead of pushing him off. From what he hears, Xiao Hui undergoes surgery and now doesn’t spare Zhan a glance as she walks down the hallways. When they go back to the hospital to get Zhan Zhengxi’s bandages off, Jian Yi goes to talk to the nurse.
She smiles at him, and it’s genuine. 'I’m glad. I was worried for you when you refused to get the surgery. But this kind of ending is always the best.’ She gives him a hug, and Zhan shoots daggers at her with his eyes. The nurse suppresses a chuckle. 'Looks like he loves you a whole lot.’
Jian Yi smiles back. 'He really does.’
They’re playing games in Zhan’s living room when he stops to turn towards his boyfriend.
'Are you happy?’ Zhan Zhengxi asks. He’s never told Jian Yi, but that’s what he wished for on the stars that night. All he ever wanted was Jian Yi's happiness.
Jian Yi shoots him a genuine grin, and kisses him lightly on the forehead.
'The happiest!’