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Zayn asked the waiter for his third glass of water and resumed looking out the coffee shop’s window. He had entertained the idea of getting off the couch and bolting at least ten times. Or a hundred. This made no sense.
It had been three years since the last time he saw Liam. In person, at least, because Niall, the asshole, thought showing him photos of Liam’s wedding was a good idea. He wasn’t even invited to that wedding, how could Niall not put two and two together and realize it would hurt? That night haunted Zayn’s thoughts ever since. He wished he could be a more reasonable person and let things go, but he couldn’t. That’s love, right? Completely unreasonable and masochistic.
And he had been in love with Liam since… well, forever. Since the first time he saw him. Since that time fate decided his car had to break down in the middle of nowhere and the mechanic happened to be something worthy of a thousand dirty wet dreams. For some ridiculous reason, they ended up friends. For some reason, fate hated Zayn. Because Liam was straight. Very straight. The kind of man that would talk to Zayn for hours about his big, beautiful romantic heart, about his breakups, about his loves. It was painful.
And then one day Liam just disappeared. One day Liam just stopped talking to him, stopped calling him, and a few months later, via the only mutual friend they had, Zayn found out Liam got married to the girl he was dating. Even if he wasn’t happy with her, even if he… Even when they--
The chiming bells attached to the door ringed, taking Zayn out of his memories. And there was Liam, unwrapping a blue scarf from around his neck, looking around. Seeing him after so long physically hurt. Zayn exhaled, like he always did when they saw each other. Maybe his lungs deflated because his chest needed space for his expanding heart. Liam was so… so amazing. Such a riddle of a man. So cute and lovely, pure smiles and warmth one second, and the next he was the hottest thing in the world. Smart, sweet, kind, just… perfect. Zayn felt like the weight of three years worth of these moments fell on top of him all at once, crushing him. He knew he was probably gaping like an idiot, he just couldn’t help it.
Liam smiled a big, beautiful smile, approaching Zayn’s couch as soon as he saw him. Zayn tried a smile, a forced one. He hadn’t been this nervous, ever. What did Liam even want? Why did he call him?
“Hey…” Liam greeted, sitting by Zayn’s side, on the same couch, not even touching him. They used to greet each other with a hug, every time, they were always so touchy, so physical, but apparently three years of distance were the end of that.
“Hi…” Zayn muttered, knowing looking away would probably be healthier for his heart. He just couldn’t. His eyes roamed Liam’s face, drinking in all those things he loved; those deep, warm brown eyes, those kissable lips, the little constellation of brown dots by his eyes, the birthmark on his neck… He was mesmerized.
Liam sighed before speaking again. “You must be wondering why I called you…” he began, kicking the air out of Zayn’s lungs again, straight to the point. Fuck. So there was a reason. This was not some ridiculous get together to catch up like nothing had happened. Liam wanted something. Needed something. Zayn just nodded, his hands finding each other on his lap, his fingers intertwining. “I’m getting a divorce. I mean… I’m divorcing Lyla,” he confessed, his mouth a straight line but his eyes shining like they were smiling. What the fuck?
Zayn frowned, his heart beating a million beats per second. What… what the hell did that even mean? Why should Zayn care? Did Liam call him because he just needed someone to talk about his new heartbreak with? “What?” he asked, confused and dizzy.
Liam finally lowered his eyes, letting him breathe. Or try to, at least. Liam sighed again, stalling, reaching to grab the glass of water that sat on the coffee table. He drank a few long gulps, and then he put it back in its place. “I… I’m sorry,” Liam started again, looking at Zayn. “I know nothing makes sense right now and it was the same for me, for so long, I just…” he shook his head, like he was trying to find the words. “I made a mistake, marrying her. I made a huge mistake, thinking that’s what I needed, using that relationship to… to…” he moved his hands in the air, a silent explanation Zayn had no way of understanding.
“I don’t understand… I mean, I don’t get why you’re telling me this, Liam, you removed yourself from my life completely, we haven’t even talked in three years, I haven’t heard from you in at least two… What do I have to do with all this? Why are you here?” he asked, feeling his heart break all over again. Wasn’t leaving him like that once enough? He was sad and angry and he knew he should just kick Liam the hell out of the Coffee shop and leave. He just couldn’t. Masochism, maybe. He still missed Liam with everything he had. Also, he needed answers, and maybe this was going to be his only chance.
Liam shook his head again, his lips pressed in a tight line. “Remember that day? When we…”
“…yes, I remember,” Zayn replied instantly. Liam didn’t even need to say it for Zayn to know exactly what he was talking about. The last day they saw each other. That stupid fucking day they were laughing about who knows what, play fighting like they did many times before, and Zayn made the mistake of kissing Liam. That day the world went upside down because Liam kissed him back. Hard. And then disappeared. And then got married.
Liam nodded, looking down again. “I’m sorry… For everything I did…” he almost whispered. What was he apologizing for? Kissing back? Leaving like that?
It was Zayn’s turn to sigh and look away. He felt like crying. Why did Liam even reappear? Zayn got too lost in his sadness and his regret, so lost he never thought he would hear what he heard after that. “I had a son. Kellan. Kelly.” Zayn looked up so fast he got dizzy. What the fuck? How did he not know that? How… Oh, right, he removed from his life every single thing that had to do with Liam, and that included mutual friends, places they both frequented, everything. There was no way he could’ve known. Zayn was about to open his mouth, to speak, to scream, something, but Liam beat him to it. “As soon as Lyla got pregnant I realized, you know? I didn’t… I really didn’t want a family with her. I couldn’t do that. Marriage seemed so simple, it was just, like… a signature on a piece of paper. But having a kid? I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t… live a life like that with someone I don’t really love and that doesn’t love me. I guess… I guess she knew all along,” Liam confessed, looking at his hands, neatly folded on his lap.
Zayn was way too confused and angry and sad to even pretend he had the energy for his brain-to-mouth filter to work. It was one of his many flaws, wasn’t it? Some people cry when they’re nervous, other people scream. Zayn blurted things out. “What did she know? What the hell does that have to do with me, Liam? You don’t talk to me for three years and now you come to me with your sob story? What does this mean?”
Liam chuckled. Zayn’s big mouth got him in trouble with some of his best friends, but Liam never got mad at him. He just carefully analyzed Zayn’s words, every time, knowing they came from fear and nerves. He shook his head and finally looked at Zayn again. “Let me start again. Please.” Zayn rolled his eyes, exasperated, but he nodded anyways. He knew he needed to get away from Liam as soon as possible, but first, his masochism needed to listen. “What I’m trying to say is… I was afraid, okay? I was terrified. All the mistakes I made are unforgivable, I know, but I just wanted you to know my side of the story, okay? I was afraid,” he confessed.
“Of what? Of me? You married someone you didn’t love and had a kid because I terrified you with a stupid kiss?” Zayn asked, his voice high and broken.
Liam bit his lip. “Yeah…” Zayn frowned and almost got out of his seat to get the fuck away from that bullshit, but Liam’s hand on his froze him in place. “I mean, no. It wasn’t you that scared me, or that kiss. It was what it made me feel,” Liam explained. And Zayn let himself go back to those memories. The memory of Liam holding on to him. The memory of them desperately grinding on the floor of his apartment. The memory of Liam’s little moans. The memory of Liam kissing back with all the hunger in the world, until he got off the floor and walked away and never looked back. “I spent my entire life lying to myself, you know? It was… stupid of me. Immature, I know, I should’ve had the balls to at least not lie to myself anymore, but… you know where I grew up, you know my family. It wasn’t… It really wasn’t easy,” Liam explained, and he didn’t really have to say the word for Zayn to understand. For Zayn to remember Liam’s conservative upbringing and his religious, bigoted family. Was he trying to say…
Liam seemed to read his mind, because he nodded. “I think I finally admitted it to myself that day. With you, kissing you. Feeling things I never felt for anyone else. And I did the wrong thing, didn’t I? I ran away from that, from you, and I shoved myself into an iron closet and put ten padlocks in the door because I was terrified. I still am.”
Zayn felt his heart beat in his ears. Liam was confessing… god, something so big. So important. Liam was saying… “What are you saying?” he asked, because he was too confused and heartbroken to find his own way to whatever Liam was trying to imply.
Liam smiled and squeezed his hand a bit harder. “I mean I ran away because I was scared of the way you make me feel. I mean I lied to myself and to everyone because I was scared of what those feelings meant. I mean I fucked up, royally, I know, but I really want you to know that me running away wasn’t your fault. And I mean I won’t run away again, because just looking at you right now I still feel all the same things that kiss made me feel…”
Zayn frowned, trying to process all that information, trying to ignore the way his heart was trying to claw its way out of his chest. “But… What about… you have a son!” he reminded Liam, like maybe he had forgotten about that little fact.
“I know…” Liam replied, smiling. “Lyla… Let’s just say she knew before I did. About both things. Me liking men, and me liking you. I think she already knew our relationship was never going to work.” That was… That was wild. Ridiculous. Impossible. And Liam went on. “Kelly is almost two now, and… Lyla understands to the point of agreeing to joint custody and all, so…”
Zayn remembered Lyla as this monster that took away from him a man that was never his to begin with. Zayn remembered Lyla as a woman that would never love Liam as much as he did. She was the enemy in his mind and now… In just a few minutes Liam had put his entire world upside down, everything he knew as a fact was now clearly not real. Lyla was actually more understanding than he could’ve ever thought. They didn’t love each other, and they were divorcing. Liam was single again. Liam didn’t hate him. Liam had no reason to lie about any of it, Liam was… Liam was looking at him with the biggest smile on his face, expectant.
Zayn sighed, feeling the anger and the sadness and the bitterness melt away as he exhaled once again, because apparently his heart was not done expanding thanks to the man in front of him. “So, when do I get to meet him?” he asked, squeezing Liam’s hand back.