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when mark closes his eyes, he sees just static screen.
but when he opens them again, the sky is burning in front of him. it's burning in flames, the shades of pinks, yellows and peaches. the edges are bruising in purples and blues. it leaves him breathless. it looks like the world is ending. in his dreams it does, sometimes.
mark turns around. no burning sky or whatever beautiful scenery there is or was could ever compare to donghyuck. it looks like he has star dust in his hair, soft curls covering his forehead, the dim light falling on his cheekbones. the sun kissed skin, golden brown. the hollow in his chest is filling with sparks, it almost feels bad.
have you ever been in love?
it's a pity. no, mark would say. he is filled with doubt, questions, what if? what if he fell in love with the sunset, the colors and shades. what if he fell in love with this cruel world where you easily break your nose and bruise your knees? what if he fell in love with the boy with warm brown hair and sharp tongue?
what if?
it's a pity, really.
"why are you staring at me?" donghyuck asks. he sounds curious, somewhat confused. mark laughs, forced but it's something, shakes his head. he hopes the other boy won't question it. won't see through him. mark has so many questions, would you answer if i called you at three am, feeling like i'm gonna die? would you, would you? but he doesn't ask them.
the sun is going to sleep. and the darkness will fall. isn't that how life always works? it's okay, the lights are on, but just for a while. after that it's back to the jet black abyss.
mark truly feels like suffocating. it's that simple. he looks away from donghyuck. it's because he has so many feelings he doesn't know how to deal with, what they are and where they came from. it's like having eight knives stabbing you in the chest constantly, a horrible pain. but no one sees it. you can't touch a bleeding wound, you will get your fingers dirty.
his mouth feels dry but the bottle of evian is already empty. you shouldn't mistake an overdose of cocaine to tetanus. don't mix xanax with red wine and mistake it to closure. let's talk about bad home lives, right? mark wants to break his own fingers. an open wound, bleeding to death.
and it's unfair. it's unfair how donghyuck is the most beautiful boy mark has ever seen but he will never know. mark will never tell.
mark is a coward. he is afraid of pulling triggers, telling secrets or risking anything. it's not uncommon for boys his age, not talking about their feelings. the prison of masculinity and all. but donghyuck is different, he has always been. he is something untouchable, strange and absurd. something so pretty yet unknown.
like the sea, the ocean. maybe that's why he feels like he is drowning, suffocating. he can't breathe underwater.
the label of a best friend can be a hold that chokes you. not really kill because the second best is better than nothing. but chokes, leaves you dizzy and nauseous. under his sternum there's a heart that beats unsaid words and faint tones of blues and jazz. it's almost gone.
the summer breeze is warm but he feels like freezing. there's an error inside his brain, probably. telling him wrong things and always messing up. trembling hands and stuttering voice. a mistake.
"wanna go home?" he asks. they have been standing there for way too long. mark is losing it, the game.
have you ever been in love?
mark is afraid.
"yeah," donghyuck says, turning. the sky is falling. mark is falling. please don't break me. and the days will pass, tomorrow will come. the darkness will fade and the sun will come up.
it's a pity he can't feel the sunlight on his skin anymore.