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***
There’s pain behind every ‘it’s okay.’
***
Louis stared blankly at the screen of his laptop, rereading the mail he’d gotten earlier over and over again, still not really able to wrap his mind around the matter. Before he finished the text he knew already that he had to start all over again once he reached the bottom of the page. Hopefully the words would start making sense then.
He was so absorbed in his thoughts, that he almost missed the footsteps in the corridor, heading quickly towards his door.
"Get up, lazy ass!", Harry cheered as he bolted into their shared room. "Guess what? We’re gonna party tonight. And if I say we are gonna party tonight, I mean all of us! Tomorrow’s first interview starts around lunch, we are practically on vacations.”
“Sounds great”, Louis smiled and pushed his hair out of his forehead, allowing himself one moment to take Harry’s sight in. The whole boy was glowing with excitement, it was more than adorable. In fact it made Louis consider joining his friends on the evening out, but there was too much he had to think about. He wouldn’t be able to enjoy the night, maybe even mope around and ruin it for the others. No way that was going to happen. So he shook his head apologetically. “I’m afraid you have to count me out, though. I feel a little off today, so I’ll go to sleep soon.”
Harry closed the door behind him and traced over to the boy on the bed, looking a little confused. He’d been expecting another reaction. “What’s wrong?” He stepped closer and reached out to feel Louis’ temperature, but the older boy just pushed his hand away.
“Don’t be a twat. I’m not sick, Haz.” Louis quickly shut his notebook and placed it on the nightstand before he looked at Harry again. “I just need a break.”
“You never need a break”, Harry stated as he sat on the edge of the bed.
“Rarely”, Louis corrected. “But it happens every now and then. Once a decade or something like that. I know, I know… it sucks. You might as well cancel the whole evening, because how are you supposed to have fun without the master of party himself?”
The younger boy snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure. I’ll have plenty of fun, with or without you. It just… it would be so much better with you.”
Louis’ heart made a fluttery little jump inside his chest. He’d originally planned on retorting with a sassy answer, but his brain chose exactly this moment to go in standby mode, refusing to send any words in direction of his mouth. As the silence began to become awkward, he tilted his head to the side and bit his underlip lightly.
Harry reached out once more and cupped Louis’ face with one hand, forcing him to meet his eyes again. “I could stay home with you… if you want me to”, he suggested and watched the smaller boy attentively. Louis didn’t answer, but Harry felt the smaller boy relaxing into his touch. “What’s wrong, Lou?”
“Nothing. I’m just tired. I’ll be fine.” To be honest, Louis would love for Harry to stay back, keeping him company. Talk a little, watch TV, cuddle… There was nothing he didn’t enjoy when Harry was with him. Their relationship was… well, they’d never really named what it was. It felt like more than friendship, but still the term boyfriends seemed inappropriate in a way that Louis couldn’t explain if he tried to. And he couldn’t care less, since every second of whatever-this-was was wonderful.
“Sure?”, the younger boy checked once more. “I really wouldn’t mind, you know.”
“Harry. I’m okay.” Or at least he would be. He would be once he had the privacy and quietness he needed to think about everything, to figure out what to do. So he sat up a little more straight and opened his arms with a wide smile on his face. “Now come and hug me, and then hush. Don’t leave the lads waiting.”
“Right.” Harry wrapped his arms around his friend and smiled as Louis pressed a small kiss on his shoulder. “You are okay. We are okay”, he reassured, obviously still not completely convinced that Louis was telling the truth, so the older boy just tried to laugh it off.
“Of course we are, silly. And I’ll miss you, but…”
“It’s alright. Sleep a little, I want my Lou back tomorrow.” Harry tried to pull out of the hug, raising a brow as Louis didn’t let go the tiniest bit. He waited for two more seconds, then he stroke slowly up and down Louis’ back, letting his fingers scratch lightly over the warm skin every time he reached the neck.
“I love you, Haz”, Louis mumbled, his voice a bit muffled by the fabric of Harry’s shirt.
Harry pulled Louis closer, smiling happily as the words warmed his heart. “Love you too. I’ll miss you tonight.”
He lent back and smiled at the older boy. Something in Louis’ eyes almost made him stop and suggest to stay in today once more, but they’ve been there. Probably he would annoy Louis more than anything else, and this was just such a beautiful moment that he wouldn’t risk that. So he only ruffled the light brown hair, placed a quick kiss on the slightly flushed cheek and left Louis on his own.
A tiny sigh escaped Louis’ throat as he was alone again. He almost immediately grabbed his notebook, opened it and reloaded the email he’d found himself staring at for at least half an hour. By now he had decrypted what it was about, but still it sounded like total insanity in his head. Like an April’s fool, but it wasn’t April.
To put it in a nutshell, their management wanted to set him up with a girl, and the weren’t even asking if he was okay with it. They were just letting him know that they we’re secretly casting for a while now, and it was cut down to three girls. In the next days he would get an appointment to check their profiles, otherwise they would just choose for him.
It was ridiculous, and hypocritical as well. What happened to 'You have to seem available to the fans'? Louis didn’t know what made them decide that this would be a necessary step. Not officially at least. But it wasn’t that hard to guess. He’d never shouted the fact that he was bi from the rooftops, but he didn’t exactly make it a secret either. He just lived with it, not seeing a need in denying who he was, so much about that. If someone would ask, he would consider replacing the ‘bi’ with ‘gay’. It had been a long time since he had been attracted to a girl the last time.
He wasn’t afraid to get comments by some homophobic idiots, there was not much they could do to him. In a way, even if he would get in trouble somehow, it would still have his perks. Media would become aware of the fact there still was a lot of bullying people because of their sexuality. It wasn’t a topic really talked about anymore, and still there were so many people suffering every day. It wouldn’t be such a sacrifice to get himself a bloody nose when in return something would change for the better, at least for a few ones.
Well, it wouldn’t happen. Not since supposedly hiding between a lie was better than telling the truth. ‘Better’ of the band. ‘Better’ for the record selling. ‘Better’ for their image. That seemed to be all they cared about. Louis curled his hands into fists and pressed them against his eyes, fighting against the pressure that was building up behind them.
What the fuck was he supposed to do now?
When there was someone he wanted do be in a relationship with, it was surely not a no-named girl. But they hadn’t sent him the mail, if they didn’t have the power to make him give in. He was screwed.
Why didn’t they just let him be happy? Maybe he wasn’t dating the one he loved right now, but it was okay. His connection to Harry was deeper than any labels. But when they forced him into a relationship, he would have a label, the ‘straight happy Louis’ label.
He thought he had been living his dream. Now he had to change it into living a lie.
Louis sunk his teeth into his hand, successfully biting back the tears that threatened to spill out of his eyes for a while now. He wasn’t going to sit here crying like a little boy, he really didn’t see a sense in that. And although nobody would know if he did, it would mean that their screwed management would win once more over him, and if one thing was for sure than that he didn’t want to give them any more power than they already had.
It was unfair, no need to deny that. But there was nothing he could do.
All of a sudden he couldn’t bear the sight of the mail anymore, so he quickly shut the laptop off, put it aside and stripped lazily out of his clothes. There was no way he would fall asleep easily, not with his thoughts racing through his mind as if it was a fucking highway. But he crawled under the blanket pulled it completely over his body, only leaving a little whole to let some oxygen in, hiding from the world which all of a sudden seemed so cruel to him.
***
There’s emotion behind every ‘I don’t care.’
***
“I can’t do this, Lou. I want to, but I really can’t.”
Louis grabbed his arm so tight that his fingernails left red marks in his skin. He felt sick as he watched Harry standing next to the window, looking out to avoid any possible eye contact. Some weird feeling in his stomach told him to run away, since he wouldn’t enjoy what Harry was about to tell him. And for once in his life, his mind agreed with this.
It had been a strange day, Harry acting out of line, to a point where his teases weren’t even funny anymore, but hurtful in a way that wasn’t typical for the youngest lad. The other boys had noticed. Of course they had, they knew each other long enough to be able to tell when something wasn’t right. And Louis hadn’t missed the confused gazes they’d shared whenever Harry had scolded Louis about being to loud, silly and annoying. It had been the first time Louis had heard those words directed to him out of Harry’s mouth.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He’d heard them a lot of time, but always in a funny, mocking way. Today had been the first time he believed that he’d meant it.
“What do you mean?”, Louis asked shyly, inwardly cringing about how thin his voice sounded already. “You can’t do… what?”
“This. Us.” Harry turned around and pointed from Louis to himself and back to his best friend. “Whatever you wanna call what’s between us. Or what was there.”
What was there? That didn’t sound good at all. Louis’ alarm bells were still ringing loudly. Run-run-run-run-run-run-run. But his feet weren’t moving. He was stuck in here, stuck with the words that were repeating in his head over and over again. “It still is there”, Louis insisted, feeling desperation creeping through all of his features. “I love you, Harry. I really do.”
“And still you got yourself a girlfriend.” Harry had the nerve to sound genuinely hurt about this fact as he hissed the words.
Louis squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, fighting to keep the control over his emotions and winning once more. It seemed to become easier to shut the feelings out with every time he tried to, like he was becoming a pro by now. “You know it’s not my fault”, he said with a voice that was just a little shaky. “I was forced into this relationship.”
Harry sighed and used both of his hands to mess up his fringe, pushing it back just seconds later in a failed attempt to kill some time, maybe to avoid the answer his friend was waiting for.“I know. But it still doesn’t change anything. You have a girlfriend~”
“A fake one”, Louis interrupted, becoming desperate by now. How could Harry not see that nothing was real? How could he not know that Louis needed him, needed him to endure all this madness happening in his life.
“You have a girlfriend”, Harry repeated stubbornly. “So how can I cuddle with you, or kiss you, or…”
Louis pressed his hands into his temples as he felt the first pounding of a beginning headache.“It isn’t considered cheating if the love isn’t real. El… She’s a nice girl, but she’s only doing her job. She won’t mind.”
“Listen.” Harry rubbed his hands across his face before he looked at Louis again. “I just… need time to figure out what I want, okay? You have to give me that.”
He had to? Maybe he had, but he wished that Harry would notice that he wasn’t guilty of the current situation they were in. If he knew what to do or to say to make management back off and mind their own bloody business, he would within a heartbeat.
“So you’re leaving me?”, he asked. Somehow his voice didn’t give away that he was on his way into full-on panic mode. In fact he sounded remarkably calm, what maybe was the reason that Harry couldn’t see how much he was hurting him. Every word of the curly haired boy seemed to rip another piece out of Louis’ heart. Soon there would be nothing left, but Harry, damn Harry was smiling a little as he reached out to touch Louis’ arm lightly.
“We never were together in first place. How can I leave you?”
“Yeah… whatever.” Louis crossed his arms to hide his shaking hands. He couldn’t believe what happened right in front of him. He was losing Harry, and fuck! No matter whether they had been officially dating or not, Harry was breaking up with him. He wasn’t just destroying what they were right now, he was killing everything they could possibly have been if they’d been given a little time.
The taller boy came even closer and cupped Louis’ face with one hand, brushing his thumb softly over the skin. “I really don’t want to hurt you.”
Oh, really now? Louis suppressed a bitter laugh. Harry had to be kidding. They knew each other so well, how didn’t he see what he was doing to Louis? It was… maddening. For the first time in his life Louis just wanted to push Harry away, make him crash into the wall, hurt him physically as much as Harry was hurting his heart. “You know what? I don’t care”, he deadpanned and stepped back. He couldn’t bear the touch anymore.
“So… are we okay?”
Louis shrugged awkwardly. What was he supposed to say? 'No, we're not. And maybe we'll never be again'? Couldn’t do that without sounding like a drama queen, right? “Yeah, I guess.”
A happy smile lit Harry’s face, and Louis would be damned if that wasn’t the most hurtful thing he ever saw. How could Harry smile when his whole world was falling apart? Louis looked away quickly, the only way not to get overwhelmed by his emotions and break down right there and then. It helped a bit, but that also was the reason he didn’t see that hug coming, so he was totally perplexed as his face was buried in soft, curly hair and his body was held by those way to familiar arms.
“I’m coming back for you, Lou. I promise”, he heard a voice right next to his ear.
Louis bit back the question how Harry could come back when he insisted not to be the one leaving. That didn’t make sense at all. Nothing did. But he couldn’t build another word, let alone move out of that embrace, so all that was left for him was to wait for Harry to step back and turn away. With burning eyes he watched him leave, quietly saying goodbye to him, to every dream of a future with Harry he might or might not have had in his head for a while now.
The door closed with a soft click, a noise which sounded awfully final. He’s gone – click. It’s over – click. You’re alone now – click.
Louis let out a frustrated groan, grabbed his phone and smashed it against the door as hard as he could, shattering the display. He couldn’t care less. Now it was as broken as he felt himself. The only difference was, no-one could tell that by simply looking at him. He wasn’t shattered on the outside, it was all inside of him. And that was the way he wanted to keep it.
***
There’s a lot of words behind every silence.
***
It wasn’t as easy as he had thought. In fact, being around Harry and knowing that they’d never been so far away from each other, even if they were just a few inches apart, smiling for pictures, selling the illusion of very close friends, was maybe the hardest thing he ever had to live through.
And it didn’t get easier when a few days passed. Neither did it after a few weeks.
It was a constant kind of hurt, not as bad that he couldn’t stand it throughout the day, but hurtful enough that in the night, when he was in bed, the walls of the single hotel rooms came closer and closer, menaced him until he felt he was suffocating.
Louis didn’t share rooms anymore. Liam, Niall, Harry and Zayn took turns and changed who was rooming with whom in every different city, nobody bothered to ask if he’d like to join in the mix anymore. He thought that maybe he’d been turning them down one time to often, but he never asked.
Soon the point where they’d be too annoyed to cope with his weird behavior anymore. What were they going to do? Kicking him out of the band? Maybe. Louis wasn’t as scared as he should be by this idea. It wasn’t that he wanted to leave, of course not. But it would mean not to have to pretend all the time, which seemed to be the only thing he was doing lately.
Pretending to be okay. Pretending not to love Harry anymore. Pretending to be happy with his girlfriend.
Louis let out a breath and turned his TV on, zapping through the channels until he settled on an episode of Supernatural. It was an old one, maybe second or third season, and he remembered having this one seen before, but that was okay. That meant he hadn’t to pay too much attention while watching.
He jumped startled as there was a knock against his door. Who could that be? There was no-one he wanted to talk to right now, so he settled for ignoring the noise. Whoever was there didn’t seem to give up so easily, the knocking continued until Louis rolled out of bed and opened the door.
“Finally. I thought you were sitting on your ears”, Niall grinned and hurried into the room before Louis had the chance to say a word. The blond boy carried to cups in his hands, placing them onto Louis’ nightstand before he turned to his friend. “I was bored. Zayn wanted to sleep, and yeah, here I am. And you can’t throw me out, I’ve brought you tea.”
“Thanks”, Louis said softly, unsure what to do now. He wasn’t in the mood for talking today – he never were these days, if he was honest. Talking was so much overrated. But the longer he stood in the room, just looking at his younger friend, the louder the silence became, to a point where Louis just wanted to cover his ears and scream.
He didn’t, though. Of course he didn’t. Instead he offered Niall a little smile and pointed towards the TV. “I’m not doing anything exiting tonight as well, I’m afraid. Just watching telly and stuff. Wanna join?”
“Yeah, sure.” Niall smiled again and placed himself on the bed without any signs of hesitation.
It was comfortable, Louis had to admit. He wasn’t forced to talk or laugh like he was in the daytime, every time a freaking camera was on them what basically was the whole day long. But he wasn’t alone. He didn’t felt as lonely as he usually did, even if he’d never really realized that before.
He quickly took a sip of tea, grabbing the cup tightly. He was dangerously close to getting emotional, and that wasn’t going to happen. He should better pay attention to the way Sam and Dean were fighting this demons, blowing them out one by one without any regrets. But of course the damn commercial break had to cross his plans, and all of a sudden it was awkward again sitting here so close to Niall.
It never had been before, though. Since the very beginning all of them five had been literally over each other the whole time. Louis was used to the boys touching him, cuddling and just being close – only that he wasn’t. When did that happen? When did he become so distant?
Thankfully the commercials were over by now, and Louis kept his eyes on the screen, even if he didn’t catch anything of the plot anymore. He swallowed thickly and slid a little closer, slightly curling into Niall’s side. There were so many words on his tongue right now, but he couldn’t get them out. He wanted to apologize for his behavior, he wanted to tell Niall how much he missed him and the other guys, how he missed himself, the old Louis. But his lips stayed pressed together, only a quiet sigh was escaping.
“Are you okay?”, Niall asked gently, watching out of the corners of his eyes how Louis hesitated for a moment before he shook his head. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.” Niall shifted to put his arm around his older friend, pulling him in so he could hide his face in the Irish lad’s shirt.
Louis remained silent, but he wrapped his arms around Niall while he pressed his face into the younger boy’s chest. He tried so hard to hold himself together, but he couldn’t help that a few tears escaped his eyes.
Niall must have heard his tiny sniffles, at least that was Louis thought was the reason there was a hand running through his hair over and over again. “Just remember I’m here if you need me. We all are. If you feel like talking anytime, just… do it, okay? We miss you, Tommo.”
“Don’t feel like talking”, Louis whispered, suddenly scared that Niall would leave again now he knew he wouldn’t get anything useful out of him. But instead, the arms around him just held onto him a little tighter.
“Fine with me”, Niall answered, and his voice indicated that he was smiling. Louis took a deep breath and sat up straight, wiping his face with the back of his hands.
“You’re up for another episode, then?”, he demanded with a sudden shyness that was completely untypical for him.
“Bet on it”, Niall grinned.
The boys made themselves comfortable, snuggled into each other. They watched the episode on the TV, then another one on Louis’ laptop, before Niall announced that he was tired and had to head to his own bed now. He hugged Louis before he left, whispering a few kind words into his ear and ruffling his hair.
It was the first night for a long time that Louis didn’t had any troubles drifting off into sleep.
***
There’s curiosity behind every ‘just wondering.’
***
Louis was pissed. How could he not have noticed how fucked up things were? He’d been so focused on everything what went wrong with Harry, that he risked his relationship to the other boys as well?
Since the evening Niall had spend with him Louis tried to get back to his old self, but it was harder as he’d expected. It was frustrating to see the surprise on the boy’s faces whenever he only did as much as put an arm around their shoulders when no press was in sight.
Louis shifted impatiently from one foot to another as he waited for the damn boiler to heat the water up. It had been hell of a day, he craved a cup of tea and a good excuse why he wanted to go straight to his room instead of joining the others in the living room for a movie marathon or whatever they were up to. They all were sharing a flat at the moment since they weren’t touring right now, instead they started working on their next studio album.
Somehow he liked that, it meant they all would have more time to get used to each other again, but it had a clear downside compared to hotels: Basically no privacy. Not as bad as it was when they were touring with the bus, but still. They were moments when it sucked. Like right in this moment, when Harry entered the kitchen and headed straight towards the fridge. “God, I’m starving”, he mumbled.
Louis let out a snort that could count as an answer. He could really have waited two more minutes with his hunger attack, or not?
"You’re okay?", Harry asked as he passed him, clearly noticing the deep frown on his forehead.
"Sure. Rainbows and sunshine everywhere. The whole world fucking sparkles. ‘s there a reason you’re asking?”
“Just wondering”, Harry stuttered, surprised by the rather aggressive answer. He closed the fridge again without taking anything out, watching Louis curiously.
Louis huffed and shook his head, clearly annoyed. “Anything else?”
If Harry was an intelligent boy he would get the hint and leave him alone. It turned out he wasn’t. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing”, Louis hissed, watching Harry unbelieving. He couldn’t be real, could he?
“Come on. I can see something is wrong. What is it?”
“You’re not in the position to ask. Just don’t.” Louis turned away from Harry, attempting to storm out of the door. Fuck the tea, one minute more with this oblivious boy and he would strangle him.
“Louis, wait. You can’t just leave me standing here”, Harry sighed, grabbing Louis arm to keep him in place. “You’re my best friend. Let me help you.”
The worst thing was that he was able to detect real concern in those green eyes although they definitely had no right to look at him like that. It made him want to throw his arms around Harry’s neck and never let him go again. It made him want to punch him right in his beautiful face. It made him wanna cry. “Fuck off. There’s nothing you can do!”
“Of course there is. You just have to tell me what’s going on.”
“Harry!”, Louis almost shouted. “Shut up! Best friends. It’s not like that anymore. We can’t just go back to the way things were. I’m sorry, but that’s how it is.”
“If you’d only stop pushing me away~”
“If I what?” Louis laughed bitterly. “I wasn’t the one leaving.”
“Neither was I”, Harry spat. “I never said that I don’t want to be your friend anymore, I only told you I can’t make out or something as long as you have Eleanor.”
“You dumb ass! Didn’t you notice I see her like what, once a mouth to get a few cute pictures? That we not even talk on the phone more than one time a week, if that? Why can’t you see that it’s nothing?”
“It just doesn’t feel right. You make it a bigger deal than it actually is.”
“No shit”, Louis answered, looking down as his voice broke slightly. “You hurt me, Harry, don’t you get it? Nothing here is about Eleanor, it’s all about you.”
Harry opened his mouth, ready to growl out an answer, but he froze before said anything. His brows furrowed as he took in the sight of his best friend – yeah, Louis could say whatever he wanted, he still was his best friend. His eyes traced over the tired-looking face, the blue eyes that somehow missed their usual sparkle, the lips that were pressed together tightly, and for the first time he understood that it was at least to a part his fault. Has been for weeks, even months now. Immediately he felt like shit. How could he not have noticed? “That wasn’t what I wanted, Lou.”
“I know”, the older boy answered because yeah, he really knew. Harry wouldn’t hurt somebody on purpose, but still… “Doesn’t change anything, though.”
“Just say that we are still friends. Please.” Harry bit his lip and hesitated. “…I’ll try harder this time.”
“Harry…”
“Please Louis. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t”, Louis whispered desperately. “I can’t! It’s too much, Haz. You took everything from me, and now you’re here and want more? I have nothing left to give.” He turned on his heels, wanting to run away, but Harry again grabbed his arm and pulled him around.
“Come on. I’ll do anything, if it just means I’ll get you back. I need you, more than I ever knew.”
“Will you take care of me? Love me? Heal all my pain?” Louis eyes started to water as he looked at Harry, waiting a few seconds for an answer that never came, so he just nodded in defeat. “That’s what I thought.”
“Lou”, Harry croaked out, but it was too late. He couldn’t do any more than follow Louis with his eyes as the boy left the room, fed up with being the one left behind. For Harry it was the first time that he had to watch him leave. It wasn’t a good feeling, not at all. His stomach cramped as he noticed that this was exactly what he did to Louis before.
His desire for food was long forgotten, so he walked back to the living room where he leaned against the door frame insecurely. “Guys?”, he asked. Three heads turned towards him, questioning look in their faces. No way they hadn’t heard the rather loud conversation between their two friends, but they were at least pretending not to know what this was about. “I think I fucked up.”
Liam, Niall and Zayn looked at each other before Zayn took the remote to mute the television and cleared his throat. “So you finally noticed?”
“Seriously. I started to wonder if you were blind, it took you so long”, Niall chipped in.
Harry sighed. “Here I am looking for a little sympathy and an advice. You’re not helping. At all.”
“You know what to do”, Liam shrugged. “Talk to him.”
“But figure out what you want, first”, Zayn added. “No matter what it is, he deserves to know. You know he’s waiting.”
“We talked. A time ago, sure, but we talked.”
“Louis said something like that a few days ago”, Zayn nodded. “Like he was waiting for a final answer or whatever. Not in detail, but between the lines… you know? So don’t you think it’s time to give that to him now?”
“I haven’t~” Harry frowned as he tried to remember the awkward talk he’d have had with Louis’ that day.
’I just… need time to figure out what I want, okay?’ - ‘I really don’t want to hurt you.’ - ‘I’m coming back for you, Lou.
I promise.’
“Fuck”, he groaned. “He was waiting all the time?”
Liam shrugged. “I think so, yeah. Seems now he’s done with it, though. If you want you and him to be whatever-you-were before~”
“Best friends”, Harry hissed, but Liam chose to ignore him.
“~I wouldn’t wait for too long. Seriously.”
It could be to late. Nobody said it, but the words hung in the air. Threatening. Suffocating. Harry covered his face with his hands and let out a frustrated noise, then he turned and stormed out of the room.
“That was about time”, Niall sighed and scratched his head. “Do you think they’ll get it right?”
“It’s Harry and Louis”, Liam said as if it was the most obvious point in the world. “They may be stubborn idiots, but they’ll never risk losing each other for real.”
“Let’s hope you’re right” Zayn grumbled and turned the volume of the TV on again. They would see.
***
There’s ‘I need you’ behind every ‘leave me alone.’
***
Too late. It was all Harry could hear in his head as he directly went over to Louis’ room. It couldn’t be too late for him and Louis. Things may have been awkward over the last few months, but Louis knew exactly that he was one of the most important people to Harry, didn’t he? He had to know. Without knocking he opened the door, relieved to find it unlocked.
Said relieve vanished just a second later, as he took in the sight of what was going on in front of him, because it was such a foreign image. Louis, his Louis, the maybe strongest person he met in his whole life was on his bed, face buried into a pillow and… crying? There were no audible signs, no sobs or whimpers, but the whole boy was shaking violently, his shoulders tensed, fists grabbing the sheets so hard that the knuckles were white.
“Hey”, Harry whispered, taken aback. “Louis, what…”
“Go away!” The voice was muffled by the pillow, thin and shaky, but somehow although so strict and cold that Harry almost followed suit. He didn’t, though. Instead he moved over to Louis, sitting down on the edge of the bed, carefully reaching over to let his hand trail up and down Louis’ back. He smiled at the familiar feeling. It really had been a while since he last done that, and it was just now that he noticed how much he’d missed it.
“Leave me alone.”
“Nope.” Harry’s hands continued traveling across Louis’ body, hopefully in a more soothing than creepy way. He wasn’t good with tears, never had been. Crying people always made him so sad that he wanted to lay down and sob with them, but a crying Louis was a whole new level of heartbreaking. Harry almost wished that Louis would get up and hit him, anything would be better as this quiet suffering.
The minutes passed slowly in the tensed atmosphere inside the room. Louis didn’t seem to have a desire to talk, while Harry still struggled to find the right words, to figure out what to say. He should speak up soon, though. He had to get it right.
Even the thought that he was the one breaking Louis so much made him literally sick. He didn’t want to be guilty of any of that. He needed the older boy to be happy, to smile, to goof around and~ All of a sudden the answer was there, right in front of him.
“You never gave me a chance to answer your questions”, Harry stated as he let his fingers run softly through Louis’ hair.
This seemed to get his attention, at least. Louis didn’t move much, but he turned his head and looked at Harry with bloodshot eyes, still shiny with tears. “What questions?”
“The ones you asked me in the kitchen. If… oh, come here”, he interrupted himself as Louis started crying harder, obviously dreading the answer he was going to get. Harry pulled him upwards and closed his arms around him, a little happy that Louis didn’t try to fight him off. But well, considering the death weight he held in his arms, maybe he just didn’t have the strength to anymore.
“If I’ll take care of you”, he began again a few seconds later. “I will, Louis. I let nobody hurt you ever again. Not myself, not anybody else.”
Louis whimpered, but unconsciously buried his fingers in the fabric of Harry’s shirt, holding onto him.
“I’m not going to love you”, he then answered the second question Louis had asked before. He felt the boy tense in his arms, so he quickly finished the sentence. “I can’t start loving you, because I already do. I loved you all the way long, and I know I should have figured it out sooner.”
Louis head was spinning. His heart was beating inside of his chest like he’d swallowed a drummer who was practicing his solo over and over again, and he wouldn’t be too surprised if his chest would be ripped open if it continued doing so.
“And the last one was if I’ll heal all your pain”, Harry whispered so softly that Louis only caught the words because they were so close, closer than they had been in a long, long time. “I don’t know if I’m able to, but I’ll try. I’ll be the strong one in times when you can’t be.” He pulled back a little, needing to see Louis’ face right now. With careful hands he brushed away the wetness lingering on his cheeks. “Every tear that you cry, I promise to dry them all”, he completed.
Louis just stared at him, unsure what to do or say. “All that time ago you said you’d be back”, he whispered eventually. “You never came.”
“I am here now. It only took me a little longer.” Harry hesitated and searched for Louis eyes. “Did it take me too long?”
Louis bit his lip, unable to answer this question. It had been months, and as amazed he was by all the things he’d just heard, they wasn’t letting the time disappear. They didn’t change anything that happened. “I don’t know”, he confessed, watching how the hope in Harry’s green eyes died down slowly, being replaced by something else, something much darker, more desperate.
It wasn’t an expression he wanted to see there. “I mean… What do you want me to say?”, he tried again. “Nothing is going to change. I’ll still have to be with El, and~”
“I don’t care.”
Louis blinked, but Harry was smiling fondly at him. “Wait, what?”
“I just realized. I don’t care about her, Lou. I care about you.”
“But… I want to hate you.” Despite his words, Louis let his forehead rest against Harry’s shoulder, breathing in the familiar scent.
“You have every right to do so. I’ll still love you no matter what, so…” Harry smiled again as he heard a little chuckle escaping Louis mouth, and oh, there was another thing he’d missed. “What, I confess my love, and you’re laughing at me?”
“You’re such a sap”, Louis giggled and sat up, becoming serious once more as their eyes met again. “I needed you, Harry. I really did.”
“You’d just had to tell me…”
“I’m doing it now. I needed you. I still do.” Harry shifted closer and cupped Louis’ face with both of his hands, making the older boy feel so small and vulnerable. He sighed and lent forwards, so close that he could feel Harry’s breath on his face. “I swear, if you ever try to leave me again…”
“I won’t”, Harry promised. He felt like the icy blue eyes were burning through his own, staring directly into his soul. “Would make me the biggest asshole in history, wouldn’t it?”
“And me the biggest idiot for trusting you.”
“You do? Trust me, I mean?”, Harry asked quietly. He felt like he was drawn to Louis by a magnet, by now their foreheads were already pressed against each other, but he had no idea when that did happen.”
Louis took his time to answer, carefully considering the question. “I do”, he finally nodded. “More than I should, maybe. It’s scary.”
Completely overwhelmed Harry crossed the last few inches, ghosting his lips over Louis’ for a second. “I won’t break it again. I promise.”
“Haz…” They fell into each other effortlessly, finding themselves in what may have been the longest hug in history, but it was exactly what both of them needed, a reassurance that they got each other, that they still were close, maybe closer than ever before.
“I’m also scared, you know?”, Harry whispered into the feathery hair that was tickling his nose. “I never knew how much I loved you until I thought it might be too late. That you don’t want me anymore.”
“We’ll figure it out”, Louis said softly. “’Cause… you know, I love you too.”
They stayed like that for a long while, completely wrapped up into another. Nothing else mattered right now. They didn’t even notice as the door opened just a slight, didn’t see the curious blue eyes that took in the situation, didn’t hear the relieved breath or the footsteps that hurried away from Louis’ room to spread the good news that neither one of them had ripped the others throat open.
They were unaware that the sun vanished behind the horizon, that darkness crept into the room and the temperature dropped a few degrees. And when they noticed, they simply lay down together, pulling the blanket over their bodies, facing each other.
Harry’s eyes traced over Louis’ lips. The smaller boy could tell that, they were lying so close that they could see their faces despite the lack of light. “I really want to kiss you now”, he mused. “Can I?”
Louis smirked. “I don’t know. Can you? Maybe if you try real hard~”
“Shut up!” Harry leaned over and kissed Louis softly, almost promising. It made Louis want to purr like a kitten and suddenly he was grateful that it was dark, because he was positive he was blushing right now.
When they parted Louis brushed his thumb over Harry’s mouth. “You can”, he said, and his voice was a little raw. “You absolutely can. Whenever you want to.”
“Oh… in this case…”
Once more their lips met, a state that they would find themselves in for the majority of the night. And if the kisses became less gentle as time passed buy, if more tongue and teeth and almost desperate curling into each other was involved, who could blame them?
There was so much time to make up for, so many wasted moments. And after all, finally they did know what they wanted: Harry wanted Louis. Louis wanted Harry.
It was that simple.
***