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Dreams were tricky things. Josephine didn't often remember her dreams, but when she did it was always the same one. The same startled awakening. The same feeling of a gut punch lingering in the lining of her stomach for long after she woke up.
There was always a staircase. Long and endless, it went on for miles. She always stood at the top of it willing herself to try and fall down it. But whenever she was about to fall, she would look down and instead of the feeling of freefall there was the body of a young man. Tumbling and tumbling down it went, morphine and twisting into something barely recognizable as a human. She would rush down the stairs, but to no avail. However fast she tried to go, the body was always ten steps ahead of her, falling and falling. Until eventually she too would trip and fall with it down and down and down. The dream always ended with her looking into the eyes of the body, white and glassy, a death stare.
The dream came and went, but what didn't go was the fear that every time she closed her eyes, there it would be. The eyes, the face, the never ending staircase.
But morning always came. And right now there was work to do. Josephine went to her desk and set aside some quills. She lit a candle and as the calming scent of it filled the room she finally began to relax. The mornings usually passed by quickly, filled with letter writing and political talk. But today it was hard to concentrate. Not because of those nightmares, Josephine had learned a long time how to tune those to the back of her mind. Let them sink behind the noise of work. No what was invading her mind, was a certain archer who had taken a liking to hold shooting practice near her office window. She could see that mop of blonde hair and a blur of movement out of the corner of her eye.
Sera had been with them for a few months at this point, but it was really only in the last few weeks that Josephine had actually taken time to stop and fully notice her. For a person who was incredibly loud and knew it, she was remarkably good at blending in when she wanted to. Sera stuck mostly to her room and the pub below it. At first Josephine figured that maybe she liked to put down roots, but after that conversation with Sera about the Lady Emmald, she was starting to understand that it was something much different. Something maybe Josephine herself could relate to.
Josephine paused and looked at at the mountain of letters on her desk. She sighed and angled her body away from the window. The sounds of pens and arrows mingled together and finally finally the morning began to slip away.
Stepping into the pub never really felt wrong, but it didn't exactly feel right either. Most of the time she only came in here with Leliana or the Inquisitor. Or for one of her bi-weekly card games with Varric. He still hadn't won any, but his effort was very admirable. But in the past few weeks, everyday after she finished some of her duties, she would join Sera for lunch, or a drink, or sometimes just to talk. It was definetly new, but more than that it was...nice. It was nice to have someone to talk to about something other than the problems of the inquisition or someone to talk to about her worries back at home. She always felt a little guilty talking to Cassandra, Leliana or the Inquisitor about such matters, considering the literal weight of the world on all of their shoulders. Not that everyone in Skyhold didn't feel that weight, but something about Sera made it feel lighter. As if the world could end, but she would laugh in it its face anyways. Sera especially loved hearing stories about her younger sister Yvette, who was just as good at ruining a noble party as Sera herself. But today she was not in the bar area like usual, which meant she was most likely in her room upstairs. Josie tried to ignore the prickle in her stomach as she approached the door.
As she approached her door, she could hear some slight cursing coming from the other side. She pushed open the door. Sera was sitting on the bed with some bandages in her hand. It took a second for Josephine to fully register the huge gash across her arm. It looked fresh and raw. It had been awhile since she had seen a wound like that in real life, so angry, such a reminder of the world.
Sera looked up. "Goldie, what are you doing here?"
Josephine couldn't answer. Maybe it was a combination of the intensity of the dreams lately. Maybe it was seeing Sera, who had always struck Josie as sort of untouchable, hurt like this. Seeing someone she cared about hurt like this. The logical part of her brain knew it wasn't her fault. Of course it wasn't. How could it be? But the logical part of Josephine's brain had decided it didn't want to work right now. All she could think was "could I have prevented this? If I was better at my job, if I was more careful, if I had gathered more allies, could I have prevented this?" I could have prevented his death, will she die too?"
Josephine had had thoughts like this before, but mostly about the people closest to her, her family, Leliana. And among all the negative thoughts and the panic, she could feel another shift. Somewhere along the line Sera had entered that group. And that terrified Josephine.
"Goldie?
Josephine was known for being good with words, but what if they weren't enough.
"Goldie?"
She wanted to change things, but what if hiding behind diplomacy was no better than just simply playing the game by its own rules.
"Josie?"
How many more deaths would she have on her hands?
"JOSEPHINE!"
Josephine's eyes finally darted away from the wound on Sera's arm to her face. There was worry and concern, but also perhaps understanding? As if she too knew what it felt like to have too many negative thoughts fly through your head all at once.
"Sorry for yelling, you were just not answering, and it was scaring me a bit is all."
"No it's ok, I was just lost in thought....I suppose." She cleared her thoat, trying to remember something other than what she was currently thinking about. "I just finished up with some work and came to see if you wanted to have lunch."
Sera waggled her eyebrows, "Wanted to see me did you? Well you're in luck Goldie, I just gotta wrap up this scratch and then we can have lunch or whatever..." She trailed off suggestively. Then laughed. She was always doing that. An innuendo then a laugh. It always felt like there was something underneath what they both were saying, a want of some kind. Always brushed away with a laugh, a joke, never addressed.
Maybe it was better that way.
Maybe if they never addressed each other it would hurt less. Whatever this was, if it ended it would hurt less if they never addressed it.
Maybe.
So Sera bandaged her arm and they both headed for the rooftop. Both of them had a fondness for being up high. There was something about turning the world into uncomplicated shapes, just bits of color and moving dots, that cleared the head. The world was never simple, but being up high made it appear so. Made it easier to breathe sometimes.
"So....." Josie trailed off. "Why bees?"
"Hmm"
"You seem to have a particular fondness for bees. I remember the party pranks and I have heard Dagna raving about your jar of bees invention. I mean I wholeheartedly see the use of them, but it seems more than that sometimes."
Sera smiled, a lopsided grin that one couldn't help but share. "I dunno, I mean I guess I just always kinda admired them. Most people don't like em much, cause of the whole stinging thing, but always thought they were kinda cool. They're pretty pointy on the outside, but they make something so sweet. Also honey's pretty great y'know." Sera looked out at the horizon.
Josephine studied her profile. The freckles across her nose, the faraway look in her eyes. She felt a sudden desire building up inside of her. She needed to say something, anything to show Sera that she cared for her.
"Sera,"
"Mm hm?"
"Have you ever had nightmares?" Sera locked eyes with her. Josephine fidgeted her hands, but held the gaze. "I have had them for as long as I can remember. Ever since....before I was a diplomat."
"Yea, I have, used to have them all the time in Denerem, part of the reason I never slept much as a kid. And more recently.." she hesitated. "after the fade a couple weeks ago. I hate that place..stupid nothing place." Her face took on a blank look for a minute. "Anyways point is, yes I have."
"I just..well I just wanted to tell you. Somehow I just thought you might understand. I don't know, this probably sounds silly-"
"No." Sera interrupted, "I don't think anything you say would ever sound silly." She laughed. "You're one in a million Goldie, you know that."
She smiled like they were sharing some sort of inside joke but the look in her eyes was tender. Josephine mirrored that look. Nobody spoke. They both just looked at each other. And they both knew something extraordinary was happening. There was only a bit of distance between them, and in that distance was a powerful urge to close it. And finally they both leaned in and closed it.