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*I scan the crowd an pick you out, my mouth moves to fast for you to figure it out*
Brendon gazed across the room and locked eyes with Mikey. They held on to each other until Mikey grinned and looked down to his tray in the table across the cafeteria.
'He’s so close yet so far away' Brendon thought as he looked down to his own tray half-filled with food. For a moment he imagined Mikey walking the 25 feet from his table to Brendon's own, imagined him sitting down next to him, grabbing his shirt and pulls Brendon toward him attacking his mouth with his own.
"Brendon!" Dallon smacks his hand on the table, snapping Brendon back into harsh reality.
"Whhhaat!" Brendon whines and glances back to Mikey’s table. They're all laughing at some unmentioned joke and Brendon wishes he was there laughing with them. Dallon carefully follows Brendon's eyes across the room to rest on Mikey.
"Mikey Way, uh?" He sighs and turns back to his food without any more comments.
"Shut up" Brendon pouts and turns back to Dallon.
"I'm just saying" Dallon shrugs. "If you actually ask him out, you will stop looking like you want to jump his bones every time you see him” he smirks and Brendon only glares at him, which sets Dallon into hysterics.
"What's so funny?" Ryan asks with a smile as he sits down.
"Brenny here was just fantasizing about your old pal Mikey” Dallon playfully slaps Brendon's back.
Brendon just glares daggers at Dallon and groans annoyed at the use of his obnoxious nickname.
"Mikey Way?" Ryan queries and hopes for a nonchalant tone. He picks invisible lint off his shirt while he waits for Brendon to answer, not looking anyone in the eye.
“Way” Dallon chuckles and Brendon flicks his forearm while rolling his eyes.
"Um... Yeah" Brendon bites his lower lip while he rubs the back of his neck. "Um... We... We have chemistry together"
Ryan snorts and mumbles "I bet you do" before looking away again.
"No!" Brendon moves his hands spastically from left to right "I meant we have the same chemistry period, you know, with Mr. Walker". Brendon offers Ryan his lopsided grin and slightly blushes.
"Oh!" Ryan mutters and his whole face become a deep scarlet flush as he looks off into the distance, silently scolding himself for jumping to conclusions. They both remain quiet for a minute until Dallon clears his throat, trying to lift the awkward veil that had just fallen upon them.
"So...Um..." Dallon clear his throat again "what I wanted to tell you when you were drooling over Mr. Gorgeous over there" pause for laughs. No one laughs; continue anyway "Was that... I talked to Ms. Crawford and she said she'd be cool with letting us use the band room after school to practice, but we have to sign it off at the office like, right now dude". Dallon cleared his throat yet again realizing what he had just said.
Brendon looked at Ryan who in turn was looking at the floor, his face hidden from view by his hair. Ryan tore his gaze from the floor and offered an innocent smile to Dallon but there was something hidden. Something only Brendon could see. In those glassy eyes Brendon could see that Ryan was in the verge of tears. Brendon got up and so did Dallon.
"Have fun with band practice!" Ryan called out to them with the fake-cheerful tone Brendon knew all too well.
"You know... If you want... I mean we could... We still don't have a steady guitarist since you...." Dallon's worlds hung in the air.
"No..." Ryan's face was turning ashen now. "It’s better this way" he surreptitiously glanced at Brendon and then rose from the table "I'll see you later?" It was a question not a statement but Ryan slipped away before getting an answer.
*We start eyes closed, to fingers crossed, to I swear I said *
Ryan walks away without looking back at Dallon or Brendon. He's really trying. But he still remembers the feeling of Brendon's arms around his waist. It's not his fault that things went south. It's not his fault that he didn't feel good being in the same band as Brendon. But even though it pains him, he tries to remain friends. He still loves Brendon. That's why he really can't stand the idea of Brendon with Mikey.
"So what did he say?" Mikey’s velvety voice jerks Ryan away from his thoughts.
"Uh?" He chews on his bottom lip nervously.
"Brendon”, Mikey smiles. "Did you ask him if he wanted to hang out with us?"
"Um...." Ryan totally forgot about that. He'd agreed to do it because he just wanted to hang out with him. He didn't know Brendon was harboring a secret crush for Mikey. No way in hell he'd agree to set up Brendon with Mikey. "He said he had band practice" Ryan smiled, hoping the other wouldn't be able to see through his lie.
"Oh" Mikey’s expression turned to that of a kicked puppy. "Did you-..."
"No" Ryan didn't even realize the word were escaping his mouth "I just asked what he was doing later, didn't tell him you asked". Why was he saying this?! A part of him wanted Mikey to think Brendon had rejected him! Another part, a smaller and kinder part, didn't want Mikey to looks sad. He wasn't totally wicked.
"Oh!" Mikey’s expression went back to his usual 'rainbows and butterflies' and Ryan felt something inside him ache. "Well, I hope he's free next time" Mikey joked and crossed his fingers.
******
Brendon watched Ryan and Mikey’s interaction from afar before Dallon pulled him toward the front office.
"Dude you're stretching my shirt!!" Brendon protested when Dallon had pulled him through a couple of hallways.
"Well it was either that or letting you keep salivating over Mikey” Dallon remarked with a laugh. "Or was it Ryan?" He added with a smirk.
Brendon blushed slightly but punched Dallon in the arm, not hard enough to bruise, but enough that his feelings about the topic were manifested. "Not funny, man"
"What is you guys' deal anyway!" Dallon muttered darkly.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, why did he leave the band as soon as I joined? Why does he refuse to come back? Does he not like me? And what the fuck's with all those awkward silences between you two?!" Dallon stepped in front of Brendon, so the shorter boy was forced to answer.
Brendon's mind raced. Dallon didn't know? Of course Dallon didn't know about him and Ryan! He'd moved here from Utah a couple of days before their 'break-up' and he didn’t much like gossip. He joined the band when Ryan still hadn't given up on trying to make it work, trying to ignore all awkwardness between them. Dallon didn't know. And Brendon sure as hell wanted to keep it that way.
Brendon stood there in front of Dallon in the middle of the hallway, at a loss for words, and then simply said. "He's Ryan. If he didn't like you he would ignore you completely or antagonize you" before smiling up to Dallon and walking away the way they'd come, completely ignoring the important questions.
******
Dallon just shook his head as he saw Brendon walk away.
'Guess band practice's canceled for today' he thought to himself and headed towards his locker. It wouldn't do any good to chase Brendon and try to force answers out if him. He was Brendon, he didn't work that way. He'd tell you what he wanted when he wanted and not a second sooner. Sometimes he was more annoying that Ryan in that way.
*To hands between legs to whatever it sinks to drinks in the club to the bar to a kiss in your car*
Brendon staggers into Mr. Walker's chemistry class. If there's not going to be practice today, he might as well ask his teacher for an extra assignment. God knows he needs it, since he just sits in class staring at the back of Mikey’s neck.
'Much like a vampire' Brendon thinks and laughs to himself.
"What's so funny?" A soft voice yanks Brendon back from his thoughts. When he finally realizes who the voice belongs to, he doesn't know whether to run away, pounce the guy, or melt into a puddle.
"Hey, you" Mikey grins broadly at Brendon. Meanwhile, Brendon's mind is repeating the same mantra of, 'Holy fucks, Mikey fucking Way is grinning at me' about a million times a second.
"So, are you here to see Mr. Walker about extra-credit too?" Mikey asks trying to fill the ever-growing awkward silence.
"Uh......" 'C’mon Brendon! You’ve got this! Pace yourself! You know how to talk! God knows Dallon and Ryan are always trying to get you to shut up, talk! Now! Before he thinks you're a retard' goes through Brendon's brain before replying. "Y-yeah. Do you know where he is?"
"Well, he just left" Mikey shrugged " but luckily for you he told me what to do if anyone came asking him for extra credit" another Mikey -smile, Brendon wanted to melt into the floor. "So, here's the assignment, you just put your name in this list, grab a set of beakers and all you have to do is wash them properly. Easy marks" Mikey winked handing Brendon a piece of paper. Was it bad if your heart stopped beating? Cause Brendon's just had.
"So, you're like his pet?" Brendon asked jokingly, taking the piece of paper from Mikey.
Mikey chuckled "I guess you could say that" he kept grinning at Brendon. "I'm just his Teacher Assistant"
"So, Mikey ", Brendon cringed but carried on. True, they were in half of the same classes, but he'd never been this close to the gorgeous boy. "How does one get to be TA?"
"S'not really the hardest job in the world, you just help the teacher with a couple of stuff. Basically, teachers pick kids with high marks and low social life" he laughed at his own joke and Brendon giggled too.
"I would hardly say you've got a 'low social life'" Brendon suggested.
"Well, is not like I have my own band or anything" Mikey smiled again at Brendon. "Speaking of which, shouldn't you be practicing instead of scrubbing Erlenmeyer flasks?"
"Nah, practice got canceled unexpectedly"
"Oh, well I hope you can join us next time practice gets cancelled"
"Join you for what?" Brendon asked innocently without looking up from a sink filled with soapy water.
"Uh, d-didn't Ryan tell you?" Mikey asked befuddled. "I asked him to ask you if you wanted to go see a movie with me... With us! Yeah With um... Gerard an-"
"You asked Ryan Ross to ask me out for you?" Brendon cut Mikey’s blabbering.
"Y-yeah... Why? Was that wrong? I mean, we weren't gonna be just the two of us; there would be Gerard, Frankie, maybe Ryan. Unless you do want it to be just the two of us..." Mikey looked at the floor and smiled.
All the while, Brendon had been making a mental note to 'punch Ryan Ross in the neck next time I see him’.
"Um... Say something?" Mikey had mistaken Brendon's silence by anger.
Brendon looked at Mikey, who was smiling nervously back at him. In a matter of seconds Brendon crossed the room and grabbed the side of Mikey's head, and crashed their lips together in a messy kiss. It took Mikey a couple of seconds to react, when he did, he returned Brendon's kiss with as much force. Mikey licked Brendon's bottom lip and was immediately granted access to his mouth. He entered it and began exploring subtly until Brendon grabbed the other boy's neck and deepened the kiss.
*To hotel stairs to the emergency exit door, no*
When the Mikey and Brendon finally managed to break free from one another, they were panting from the lack of air.
"Wow..." Mikey whispered.
"Yeah ..." It was Brendon's turn to grin now. They stayed like that, staring into each other’s eyes until Frank burst into the classroom.
"Hey Mikey! You done with your science monkey stuff?" Brendon and Mikey sprung apart from each other. Frank stood there for a second, taking in their disheveled appearance and swollen lips. "Were you two kissing?" Frank smirked.
"Man! Way to kill the mood!" Mikey rolled his eyes.
"Way to go, Webb!" He moved forward to high-five Mikey, who just looked at him with a stern expression and shook his head. All the while, Brendon's cheeks had started to turn dark crimson.
"Hey, dude" Frank extended his hand for Brendon to shake. Brendon contemplated running as fast as he could, but apparently his legs had turned to jelly, so he was glued to the spot awkwardly shaking Frank's hand.
"So, um... What did you come in here for?" Mikey tried hard not to sound put-upon, but he was clearly annoyed at having his 'Brenny-time make out session' interrupted.
"Just wanted to double-check if you wanted to come to the movies with us" Frank looked at Mikey knowingly. "Maybe Mr. Urie can join us if you want" he smiled mischievously.
Mikey looked at Brendon who nodded his head. "Um... Yeah! I just- I have to finish this” he pointed to the tray filled with flasks and beakers.
"I'll help you" Mikey offered, a slight blush creeping over his cheeks. "Frankie, why don't you go get Gerard and wait for us in the parking lot, we'll be there in 15 minutes" he smiled and slightly pushed Frank toward the door.
"Fine, but no shenanigans!" He smiled and pointed to Brendon when he said this, making his already-present blush deepen even more.
Mikey and Brendon stared at each other after Frank left. "So..." Mikey started, wanting to break the silence.
"I'm gonna kill Ross when I see him" Brendon smiled but something in his eyes made Mikey think he was serious.
"Why?" Mikey asked befuddled.
"For not telling me you wanted to hang out with me!" Brendon's grin widened and Mikey blushed.
"So... Um, do you wanna? Hang out, I mean. We're just going to the mall ‘cause Gerard wants to see if they have ‘Youth Mental Ward’ band-merch at this store. Have you heard of them? They're pretty cool” Mikey trailed off.
"I'd love to!" Brendon hesitated before continuing. "But, um. Do your friends know you....? Um"
"Like boys?" Mikey winked but he started to look a little pale. "Not really. I mean, Frankie knows now obviously" they both giggled. "But Gerard doesn't" he sighed.
"Oh!" Brendon whispered and lowered his face so Mikey couldn't read his emotions.
"But he was gonna find out eventually" Mikey grabbed Brendon's hand and pulled him toward the parking lot, where a beat-up green truck was waiting. Frank and Gerard leaned against the truck and were seemingly in a heated discussion about string-cheese when Mikey approached with Brendon on tow.
"Hey, Urie" Gerard waved; he had gone to school with Brendon since third grade. "You joining us?" He eyed Mikey’s hold on Brendon's hand with a strange expression.
Frank smirked and Brendon could only nod, as he felt that he was dreaming and if he uttered a single word, the dream might end. They all piled into the truck, which belonged to Gerard. Frank called shotgun so that left Brendon in the back with Mikey. It was a somewhat more than awkward ride.
*To the love I left my conscience pressed between the pages of the bible in the drawer *
Brendon sat down at his usual table with Dallon during lunch. His gaze inadvertently wandered over to Mikey’s table and they locked eyes and smiled. Dallon followed Brendon's eyes across the room and gave a half-laugh. Spencer chose this moment to saunter in and claim a seat next to Brendon.
"How's it going man?" Spencer and Dallon exchanged greetings. Spencer's attention was shifted over to Brendon who was still ogling at Mikey across the room.
"What's with Bden here?" Spencer asked Dallon raising his brow.
"Oh, Spin! You've missed so much" Dallon tittered in a mocking tone. "Our little Brenny has found love!"
"With who?" Spencer took a drink from the soda on the tray in front of him.
“Mikey Way" Dallon eyed Spencer carefully; waiting for what he knew was gonna happen.
Spencer barely stopped short of doing a spit-take, almost choking on his beverage. "Boy, you miss one day!" he and Dallon started laughing; only partly mocking Brendon.
"Would you two cut it out?" Brendon demanded, rolling his brown eyes at the pair. "It's not like I'm hideous, you know!" He smiled and added jokingly. "Some might even say I'm 'sexy'"
"Yeah, like your buddy Mikey over there" Spencer teased.
"Whatever" Brendon rolled his eyes again. "Where were you yesterday anyway Spence?" He tried, desperate for a change in conversation.
"When I tell you, you two are gonna love me so much! You’re gonna owe me forever. I think we can start by you being my personal slaves for the rest of your lives” he grinned and motioned to Brendon and Dallon.
"Just spill it out, will you!" Dallon, who was not one for surprises, urged.
"Jeez, cool your jets, Weekes" Spencer smirked but went on anyways. "Yesterday, I met with Cameron Gavin" Spencer's smile grew wider at the confused looks on the other ones faces.
"And that is...?" Brendon finally spoke up.
"You know that radio station that everyone seems to listen to all the time? Luna103.5?" The other boys nodded. "Well, he runs it. And he told me that if we could get our demo ready by the end of next week, he's gonna play it on the evening slate" Spencer was smiling broader than ever before.
There was a second of silence before Brendon and Dallon exploded into 'Oh my god!'s and ' Are you serious?!'S.
"So" Spencer leaned back in his chair, arms crossed and smirked. "What size slave costume do you guys wear? I better get 'extra-tall' for you, Weekes. Seeing as how you're the size of a small tree"
"Medium for me” Brendon rose from his table. "Girl pants, remember. See ya later guys, I’m gonna go tell Mikey “he rushed away before any mocking could occur and wandered over to Mikey’s table in a daze.
"Hey, Bren" Frank greeted Brendon as he took a seat next to Mikey in their table.
"Hey"
"Um, I'll catch you guys later" Gerard hastened out of his seat, not without glaring at Brendon first.
"Uh... What's wrong with him?" Brendon inquired puzzled. "He looked at me like I just killed his dog"
"Interesting way to put it" Frank chuckled.
"He doesn't really... approve" Mikey rubbed the back of his neck and glared at Frank.
"Of me?" Brendon panicked. "I've known him basically my whole life; I didn't know he didn't like me!"
"No! You’re good" Mikey paused for a second. "It's us he doesn't 'approve'"
"You see, Gerard s sister, Sarah, has had a crush on Mikey here since I think the third grade. And well Gerard had a… sort of an 'illusion', of Mikey dating and eventually marrying his sister and they becoming family" Frank explained with a bored stance.
"Oh!" Brendon exclaimed and grimaced. "And I guess liking boys doesn't really fit his 'Perfect Future' idea, does it?"
Frank and Mikey shook their heads. At that moment, none other than George Ryan Ross decided to wander over to their table, seemingly unaware of Brendon's presence.
"Hey, Frankie. Can I borrow your notes from Wilson's French class? I swear the guy is so boring, I fall asleep every time he opens his mout..." Ryan stopped abruptly when he noticed Brendon.
"Well, hello Ryan" Brendon's voice was pleasant, but his eyes sent daggers to Ryan.
"This should be good" Frank grinned and leaned back in his chair.
*What did it ever do for me I say *
"Hey, Bden" Ryan smiled at Brendon seemingly unaware of him having discovered his 'secret'. "Good to see you with Mikey” sweat started to bead on Ryan's forehead.
"That's was a real shitty move, Ross" Brendon's steely gaze tore at Ryan.
"Wh-what do you mean?”
"I mean that you were a big dick for not telling me that Mikey wanted to hangout, even after Dallon told you I liked him!" Brendon's voice rose and a couple of people turned their heads toward the table. Gerard eyed them suspiciously from the jock's table on the other side.
"Brendon, we can talk about this in private" Ryan tried sternly to make Brendon lower his voice.
"No! Screw you! Tell me right here and right now" Brendon put a hand on Mikey's shoulder. "Why you didn't tell me! We're supposed to be friends, for fucks sake!"
"You know what! Fuck you!" Ryan stood up from his seat. "Maybe I don't wanna be friends with you!" He spat out before leaving.
"Harsh" Frank muttered under his breath.
“I don't know what his deal is, we used to be glued together" Brendon looked down at his hands on the table.
Mikey cleared his throat, seemingly uncomfortable with the turn off the conversation.
"I'll say" Frank shrugged. "You and Ryan seemed pretty cozy together last year. What happened?"
Before Brendon had an opportunity to answer, Mikey rushed in. "You seemed like you wanted to say something before, what was it?"
So, Brendon proceeded to explain Spencer's quest the day before to get their band on the air waves.
"That's great!" Mikey pulled Brendon into a manly hug, just as Gerard passed by with a couple of jocks at his tail.
"Get a room, fags!" Gerard snickered under his breath, and the meat-heads beside him chuckled.
"Not cool, dude" Frank shook his head.
"What's your problem, Rush?" Mikey released Brendon from the grasp, but an arm still lingered on the shorter boy's shoulder.
"My problem?" Gerard stepped forward from his testosterone-charged pack. "My problem's that I can't believe I used to hang out with such fags!" His upper-lip curled into a smirk as he poked at Mikey’s chest, punctuating his words.
"Hey man, cool it down!" Frank exclaimed, holding up his hands in front of his chest and stepping between Mikey and Gerard. "You don't have to behave like an ass. You guys have been friends for, what? 5 years?"
"Five years too long!" Gerard snarled before trudging away with his jock-crew.
Brendon stood stupefied for a second and then softly whispered. "Wow, he really hates me!"
Mikey and Frank shared a look of concern and then Mikey squeezed Brendon shoulder. "He'll come around"
Brendon looked up and locked eyes with Mikey. His eyes looked glassy and about to burst. "You're okay?" Brendon asked softly.
"Yeah," Mikey sighed. "It's just a little... overwhelming when your best friend of five years calls you a fag in the middle of the cafeteria" he smiled down at Brendon. "But I'll deal; he has to get over it sometime"
"Okay" Brendon hesitated. "See you in Mr. Walker's class?"
"Yeah, sure. I'll save you a seat"
*It never calls me when I'm down*
Brendon sighed and threw himself on his bed. He stared at his cellphone just like he had done for the past hour and a half. Finally he buried his face on the pillow and sighed again.
This was getting excruciatingly painful. He kept waiting for Ryan to call, but he hadn't so far. It was killing him inside because a part, albeit small, wanted to be back with Ryan; to feel his warm and bony arms circle around his waist. He wanted to look into Ryan's warm and guarded caramel eyes and lean closer until their noses were touching and their lips danced ghostly on top of each other's. Brendon shook his head. He was with Mikey now, and they were supposed to be pissed at Ryan. This wasn't the time to be having any Ryan-related fantasies.
Brendon put it down as stress; god knows he'd had enough of that today. First it was his argument with Ryan that attracted the whole cafeteria. That, no doubt, fuelled the second altercation between Gerard and Mikey. Brendon sighed again. Mikey, he thought, had been acting kind of down during chemistry class. True, he was smiling, but it wasn't his usual easy smile, it seemed somehow... faked. Brendon closed his eyes and tried to relax. He had to give Mikey some time. Brendon was used to the leers and 'jokes' from the jock-population, but Mikey wasn't. Especially, if one of those jocks was his best friend. Brendon only hoped that Mikey wouldn't succumb to the pressure of coming out.
******
Ryan's gaze was fixed in a faraway object that Frank couldn't see. He reached into his tight jeans pocket to feel around for his phone, just in case he broke down and decided to call Brendon.
Frank threw a pillow at Ryan standing by the window of his room. "Dude, I asked you 'how do you conjugate the verb 'manger'?' like three times already!"
Ryan sighed and covered his face with his hands. "Sorry" he mumbled and uncovered his face. "I just don't feel like studying right now" he plopped down on his bed next to Frank and pulled a queasy face.
Frank snapped his books closed and looked seriously at Ryan. "Have you called him?"
"Who?" Ryan tried and failed to act inconspicuous.
Frank stared knowingly at Ryan. "You know, about yay high," he held his arm to the side at roughly Brendon's height. "Name starts with Bren- ends in -don"
Ryan continued unresponsive so Frank added. "y’know, the guy you used to DATE” that certainly would get a reaction from Ryan.
Ryan's face went pale and he turned his head towards Frank. "You haven't...?"
"Told Mikey?" Frank finished. "Nah, it’s not my story to tell. But he will find out eventually and it's not only gonna be Brendon pissed at you then. Speaking of which, have you apologized to him?"
Ryan stuffed his face into a plushy pillow in the bed and shook his head.
Frank sighed. "You know it was pretty douche of you to lie to him, the least you can do is apologize"
"He hates me" Ryan mumbled from the pillow and Frank could tell he was on the verge of sobbing. "Why would he even talk to me? I bet he hates me! I bet he never wants to see my face again!" 'And I don't know what I'll do if he says that' Ryan continued in his head. The whole reason he had withheld information from Brendon was because he still felt….Something for him.
"Suit yourself" Frank sighed and gathered his books. "I need to check up on Mikey. You weren't the only one who had a rough day. "
"I heard" Ryan slightly lifted his head from the pillow, but didn't face Frank. He didn't want anyone to see his face all blotchy and red. "How did he take it? I mean, it's usually hurtful when someone calls you a fag, but coming from one of his best friends? I don't know what I'd've done"
"He's..." Frank sighed deeply. "I want to say he's okay, but I know he's not. I just don't know how he's gonna react if this keeps happening."
Frank moved to the door but lingered on the frame for a second. "Call Brendon!" He ordered.
Ryan buried his face in the pillow again and gave an awkward backward-wave.
*Love never wanted me, but I took it anyways*
Mikey and Frank sat in silence at the cafeteria, trying to finish their lunches and ignoring the empty seat that used to belong to Gerard. Gerard glared at the back of Mikey’s neck from his seat a couple of feet away, at the jock's table. Brendon sauntered in and plopped down on Gerard’s seat. At that moment, Gerard and his meat-headed bunch walked by the table and one of them muttered some derogatory terms.
Mikey’s face went paler than it was before and he looked down at his hands. The crew moved on, leaving a bewildered Brendon and a murderous-looking Frankie staring at them.
"How many times has that happened?" Brendon asked uncertainly.
"You mean today?" Mikey replied sarcastically. "You know what? I lost count after twenty"
"Do you think the wall paint is 'cream' or 'bone' white color?" Frank chimed in, trying to lessen the tension.
"Can I talk to you in private?" Mikey's hard gaze focused on Brendon.
"Um, sure" Brendon stammered.
"You don't mind, do you, Frankie?"
"Hell no!" Frank rushed out of his seat at the speed of lighting. He was far away enough not to hear a word they were saying, but he could still see their body-language. Mikey remained seated and started talking, but his eyes looked full of unshed tears. Brendon seemed agitated, then rose from his seat and left Mikey to inconspicuously cry.
******
Dallon took a seat next to Brendon at their usual table. What was unusual was Brendon's face.
"Trouble in paradise?" Dallon asked with a smile, meaning it to be a joke. Brendon only glared at him in response.
"Whoa, dude! Who died?"
Brendon buried his face in his arms and mumbled "My heart".
Dallon sighed. "Spill it!" and leaned back in his chair.
"Mikey" Brendon's voice was slightly muffled by his arms. "He says he can't go out with me anymore because he doesn't want to be separated from Gerard since they've been best friends god-knows how long".
"So, what?!" Dallon asked irritated. "He just ditched you for that preppy non-altruistic jock!"
Brendon looked up from his nest of arms. "SAT word?"
"Whatever" Dallon rolled his eyes. "My point is, that if he dumps you only because his friends are homophobic, maybe he wasn't all that worth it"
Brendon raised his head. "Stop it with the SAT words! I'm not in the mood to get smart"
"Are you in the mood to practice, then?" Spencer sat down next to Brendon, who buried his head back in his arms.
"I don’t know" Brendon mumbled.
Spencer sighed and rolled his eyes. "C'mon! You've blown off practice three days in a row to hang out with Mikey! If we keep this up, we’re never gonna get the demo ready for the radio guy! Is this- are you still pissed at Ryan?!" Spencer ranted all the while Dallon shook his head violently.
"What?!" Spencer shouted at Dallon but Brendon's head perked up.
"Where's Ryan?" He burst.
"I don't know" Spencer shrugged. "Come to think of it, I haven't seen him in two days"
"I got to go" Brendon said standing up.
"But Bren! We have to practice..." Spencer called out, but Brendon didn't hear. If there was one thing Brendon learned about Ryan when they were together was that when things got hard, Ryan ran from them.
***
Brendon arrived at Ryan's house and rang the doorbell. As if he really expected him to open. According to the school office, Ryan was sick at home but Brendon knew Ryan well enough to know that that was one of the last places he'd want to be.
Brendon banged his fist on the door when no one opened it. Mrs. Ross was probably at work, and Ryan, god, Brendon had a hunch Ryan was far away from here. He quickly felt the door frame for a hollow space, the one where the Ross's kept a spare key. He finally found it and tried to fit it through the lock with as much dexterity as his trembling hands would allow. At last, the mechanism clicked and Brendon was inside.
He ran up the stairs into Ryan's room, hoping, praying, for a signal as to where the other one was. He burst through the door and something inside his chest ached. He hadn't been here since he and Ryan had fell apart. He snapped himself out of it and focused. This wasn't the time to reminisce! He had to find out where Ryan went and fast before it was too late.
He started rummaging through drawers and papers and noticed the absence of many of Ryan's clothes, which confirmed his suspicions. Ryan was running away. Brendon continued searching for any clues, growing more frantic by the second. A tiny voice inside him told him he should be hurting, and mad at Ryan, but he shut that up at once. He had to concentrate on finding Ryan. Then something caught his eye.
In Ryan's desk, at the far end, a poorly-concealed scrunched-up piece of paper. Brendon lunged for it and unfolded it, smoothing it with his hands. He read the contents of it, then balled it up again and ran back down the stairs and out. He was mindful enough to lock the door and put the key back in its place so Mrs. Ross wouldn't notice it, but there wasn't much space in his brain for anything else than 'Get Ryan Back'.
He jumped in his car, shoved the keys in the ignition and screeched out of the driveway in the direction the bus depot. If the piece of paper was right, Ryan would leave at 1:45 in a bus to New York. He checked his watch, 1:20. The bus depot was all the way across town, he'd barely make it in time.
At one of the infuriatingly slow red lights, Brendon recalled a long-happened conversation with Ryan.
"Sometimes I wish I could leave" he'd said wistfully. "Y'know, leave everyone and what they think behind, focus on music, and maybe even go to New York"
Brendon had frowned that time because he didn't want Ryan to leave and forget about him. Now that it was actually happening, his chest felt tight and he was barely able to breathe a breath of air at a time.
*****
Ryan stood on the platform of the station and frowned at a screen. His bus was late.
"Maybe its fate" a voice inside him said. "Maybe he's gonna find you"
Ryan sneered, but his eyes burned with what would have been tears if he wasn't all cried up. He was never going to see Brendon again. Brendon hated him. Brendon was with Mikey now.
He clutched his chest at the last words; it was like a twisting pain inside of him every time he said those words. He adjusted the strap on his lone bag with the contents of the rest of his life. This was a good thing, he'd move to New York and he'd forget all about Brendon. Someday.
But today wasn't someday. Somebody grabbed Ryan's shoulder and turns him around forcefully. None other than a glaring, sweaty and disheveled Brendon Urie stared back at him.
"What are you doing here?" Ryan whispers softly, afraid this is all a dream and he'll wake up any moment now, clutching his pillow for dear life.
Brendon doesn't bother responding him. Instead, he grabs the bag off of the Ryan's shoulder and tugs him by the arm. He guides him like a child and Ryan follows dazed.
When they arrive at Brendon's car, he motions for Ryan to get in and he throws the bag on the backseat. Ryan examines Brendon intently until he arrives at the drivers-side door and he finally comes back to life.
"Why are you doing this?" Ryan hides his tearing eyes with his fringe.
"Just get in" Brendon's steely voice betrays no emotion whatsoever, unlike the motley of them he's feeling inside. He stands there until Ryan complies and then follows suit.
The stay in silence for a couple of minutes, both looking at the road ahead instead of at each other. Finally, Ryan's the one to break the silence.
"I'm sorry" he says so softly that Brendon thinks he may not have heard anything at all. His eyes flit over to Ryan, who's focused on wringing his hands on his lap.
"I am" Ryan repeats, affirming Brendon. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kept it from you, and I should've told you Mikey liked you! I just... I couldn't bear it! See you with someone else... It breaks me" he whispered the last few words without looking up. "I promise, from now on I'll stay out of your way, you and Mikey can be as happy as can be"
Brendon's shoulder tense at the mention of Mikey's name. "I don't think that's gonna be a problem" but he doesn't say anymore. He doesn't know what to say because he doesn't know where he stands with Mikey. Today Mikey told him he doesn't want to be seen in public with him anymore, because he wants his life to be 'normal'.
"Can I ask you something?" Ryan steals Brendon away from his thoughts.
Brendon nods his head while keeping his unwavering gaze at the road ahead. They're almost at Ryan's now.
"Why'd you do it?" Ryan finally looks up at Brendon, his honey eyes burning at the other's skin. "Why did you come and get me?"
Such simple words, yet they made Brendon's breathing stop. Why did he do it?
Brendon arrived at Ryan's house and parked in the street in front. Ryan opened the door but is stopped by Brendon's words.
"I didn't want you to leave" Brendon's gaze still fixed adamantly on the empty street ahead.
Ryan turned around to face Brendon and finally locked eyes, honey orbs meeting chocolate-brown. He gives Brendon a weary smile and reaches into the backseat for his bag. He steps outside of the car and looks back at Brendon.
"I'm not going anywhere" he gives a tiny before slowly pushing the door closed.
* Put your ear to the speaker, choose love or sympathy but never both*
"What the fucking hell" Brendon thought as he fell, butt-first into his bed at night. He sighed heavily and covered his face with one his pillows to muffle the exasperated groans escaping his mouth. Today was just....peachy. First Mikey sort-of-broke up with him, and really, if he didn't mean it as a break-up it just hurts Brendon even more.
"I don't want Gerard to see us in public" had been his exact words, and they'd felt like a stab, filling Brendon's chest with searing pain.
And then there was Ryan, the cherry on top of the disaster cake that had been this day. For a second, while Brendon thought he might never see him again, he had forgotten his own pain and went to look for him. He groaned loudly again.
"Why, Why, WHY?!" He punched into the pillow, hoping to get some answers, but it was useless. Brendon himself didn't know why he'd done it; he just knew he had to. If he didn't go after him (Brendon couldn't help but think it much like those romantic-comedies girls love) he might never see Ryan again. Whoa. Brendon stopped his wailing for a second. "It's not like I'm in love with him" he told himself. Love. There was Ryan's confession in his car...
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kept it from you, and I should've told you Mikey liked you! I just... I couldn't bear it! See you with someone else... It breaks me"
If that didn't spell love, Brendon didn't know what did. Was Ryan really still in love with him? More importantly, was Brendon in love with Ryan? Brendon groaned again. More questions he couldn't really answer.
"Fuck!" He cursed loudly to no one. He needed to figure out Mikey before trying Ryan! Or did he need to figure out Ryan before trying Mikey? This was so confusing!! Why couldn't relationships be like video games, where if you mess up, you can just restart the level! If he went for Ryan, Mikey would turn into a big "what-might've-been". If he went for Mikey, he could lose Ryan forever.
The uncertainty was killing him! He decided to turn off all the lights and plunge in the bed. 'Let’s call it an early night' he thought. 'Surely, future-Brendon will now how to get out of this unscathed'. He laid down his head in the pillows and slept the night away.
*I hope you choked and crash your car*
Brendon trudged into the cafeteria. He really wasn't up to the whole eating bit today, not after chemistry class. He kind of expected to be paired up with Mikey for the course assignment, but his heart plummeted when he chose Blythe Joyce instead. His first reaction was surprise, and then came anger and lastly, confusion. Mr. Walker's chemistry class was supposed to be their Gerard -free zone! Their love haven, where they could be themselves without judging eyes. But Mikey still picked Blythe.
He turned to face the cafeteria and his mood sank further into the ground. Most of the tables were either full or seated with jocks. There were a few empty tables, but he didn't feel like being a singleton. He needed human contact after the less-than-motivating chemistry class. Finally, his eyes landed on Mikey's table. There were three seats, two of then occupied by Frank and Mikey. Brendon made a beeline for the empty chair.
Mikey's head was bent down; gaze focused on his 'Mystery Meat' lunch and wondered if the rubbery-looking mush was edible. He casually looked up from his plate and spied Brendon approaching the table. His first reaction was happiness, god! He had missed Brendon! He had to pair up with Blythe Joyce in chemistry to ward off the jocks, when all he'd wanted was to be with Brendon. The corners of Mikey’s lips curved slightly upwards when Brendon was almost to their table, but his eyes turned from happiness to regret abruptly when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey Bren!" Frank smiled at the arrival. He was sublimely oblivious to their strained situation.
"Hey, Frankie “Brendon waved and then a grin broke through his lips. "Hey Mikey”.
Mikey barely nodded in recognition before Gerard’s voice burst behind him.
"Why don't you get a room, fag boy" he groaned from behind Mikey, his hand still lingering in the others shoulder. "Just not with Way" he smirked. "He's back to playing for the home team"
"Uh?" Frank tilted his head in question and Brendon mirrored his movements. Even Mikey looked up at Gerard with a confused expression.
"He doesn't play for the other 'TEAM'" Gerard huffed in exasperation, stretching the last word. The others' expressions remained puzzled. "He's not gay!" He shrieked semi-loudly, making Mikey blush and a couple of heads turned their way.
Mikey’s eyes looked hurt and he refused to look up to Brendon's because he feared they matched his own.
"So, yeah" Gerard continued with his trademark smirk. "Run along, now. Mikey doesn't want anything to do with you anymore" he crossed his arms and looked pointedly at Brendon.
"I think Mikey can speak for himself" Brendon was staring at his shoes, his fringe covering his eyes, so the others wouldn't see he was on the verge of tears.
"Well?" Frank mumbles at Mikey.
"Go" Brendon's head snaps up at Mikey's word and they locked eyes. "Leave me alone Brendon" Mikey continues. "I don't want anything to do with you anymore. You were a mistake. I like girls" the apologetic look on Mikey’s eyes as he said this was almost enough for the words not to crush Brendon completely. Almost.
Brendon walks away without another word. His beautiful chocolate eyes distorted by the tears pooling on them. Frank turns to look at Mikey and Gerard with a disgusted look on his face. Mikey’s head hangs ashamedly low while Gerard has a huge smirk on his face.
"A mistake? Really?" Frank scoffs at Mikey. "Who the hell are you?" He shakes his head at the other boy. No sooner were the words out of his mouth that he stood up.
"Frankie! W-wait, don't..." Mikey graves Frank's arm, stopping him from leaving.
"No!" Frank snapped at Mikey. "If you're gonna be a dickhead to Brendon like Rush over there, you can be dickheads together, but don't for a second think I'll join your little 'Homophobic Parade'." After receiving only silence as an answer from Mikey, he muttered "I'm gonna go find Bob" and was gone.
* Hey tear catcher, that's all that you are and ever were from the start*
Ryan reached into his knapsack and fumbled for his ringing cellphone. He gripped it and unlocked the screen to reveal a message from Brendon.
"Com, pliz! I need u, my house"
Ryan sighed and texted back "O.M.W"(On my way). He dropped the phone back into his satchel ad sighed heavily once again. Things were getting too complicated for his liking. He still didn't know what Brendon felt when he went to get him at the bus depot. Hell! He didn't even know what he felt himself! But he had promised Brendon that day that he wasn't gonna let anything come between them. He was gonna be a good friend! He wasn't gonna leave Brendon alone!
*****
Brendon's was plunged in darkness. The blinds were shut and he was buried in blankets, underneath his bed. Loud and sad music drowned the silence of the room and Brendon hummed to it, feeling every syllable as if it had been written for him. Ah, music is the best thing in the world! If you're sad, it's sad with you; if you're happy it's happy with you. Brendon kept humming and didn't even notice the light rapping on his bedroom door.
"Bren..." Ryan muttered from the threshold. "B-Bren, are you here?" His timid voice rose slightly.
"'Neath the bed" Brendon whispered barely audible over the singer’s charismatic voice.
Ryan stood transfixed but dropped to his knees and crawled over to the bed.
"Brendon?" The shorter boy nodded his head in acknowledgement. "What are you doing there?" A grin broke in Ryan's face, his expression amused.
"Go away..." Brendon groaned.
Ryan stood up and put his hands on his hips. "You called me over!" He rolled his eyes.
"Oh, right!" Brendon turned his head towards the skinnier boy. Ryan's laughter rang through the room like champagne bubbles.
"Come on out!" Ryan sat on Brendon's bed and patted the spot next to him. "Tell me what you needed me so badly for. And what's got you into that funk!"
Brendon conceded and shimmied out from under the bed. He'd always had a soft spot for Ryan, making him comply with most of the other boy's whims. As he plopped next to Ryan, the older boy noticed his red-rimmed eyes and blotchy nose.
Ryan put his arms around Brendon and let him rest his head on his bony shoulders. "What happened?" He whispered while stroking Brendon's silky-smooth hair.
Brendon closed his eyes with pleasure. This felt so good, so natural, so needed. Brendon felt at home. He felt like he'd been walking through the snow, cold and alone, until he was almost frozen. But now, in Ryan's arms, he felt cozy and warm and just.... Perfect. Ryan pulled back to look into Brendon's eyes and Brendon snapped out of his magical place.
“Mikey " Brendon answered Ryan's unvoiced question. Ryan's breath hitched and his smile turned from friendly and real, to fake and, Brendon had to admit, rather creepy.
"And what did he do?" Ryan asked nonchalantly while resuming his soothing posture with Brendon.
Brendon proceeded to tell Ryan about the events of that day. Ryan growing angrier by the second, until the blood was rhetorically boiling through his veins. He let go of Brendon and walked over to the window. He pulled the blinds open and Brendon frowned at the sudden intrusion of light. Ryan's lips dropped the word 'Stupid' and it hit Brendon like a ton of bricks.
"You're supposed to be a good friend! You're supposed to make me feel better not worse!!" He yelled reproachful.
"I am being a good friend" Ryan muttered turning to face Brendon. "This is why I have to tell you this!! You're stupid! I can't believe you're mopping about that guy when he treats you like this! When you have people who love you but you ignore them just to get treated like dirt by him!!" Ryan's look was hurt and apologetic and just so much more sincere than Mikey’s was.
They were standing inches apart now. Their lips almost pressed together and their breath hot in each other’s face. Ryan mouthed the word 'Hi' as he felt any sound above a whisper might break their magical world.
Brendon leaned in, closing the space between them. He pressed their mouths together and held onto Ryan's arms for dear life. Ryan stiffened at the initial contact but was quickly returning the kiss. He guided his hands to rest on Brendon's waist as he licked the shorter boy's upper lip, gaining access to his mouth. They continued their passionate kiss until both of them broke for air, almost simultaneously. Brendon's adoring eyes focused on Ryan's confused ones.
"Hi" Brendon whispered and his swollen lips broke into a huge grin. They both blushed rose red and Brendon buried his body on Ryan's arm. Ryan tightened his arms around Brendon, as the shorter boy nuzzled his neck and mouthed into his skin "I'm back home now".
* To the love I left my conscience pressed through the keyholes I watched you dressed*
Mikey sat in the empty chemistry lab with Blythe Joyce. They had logged in extra-hours to work in their project. Mikey glanced over at Blythe as she poured CU (II) SO on a beaker containing Potassium. She was really pretty, and he wished he could like girls, if only just so that his life was easier. But he like Brendon, he loved Brendon! But he wasn't sure how the other one felt, not after this afternoon.
Mikey sighed heavily and didn't even notice as Dallon strode into the classroom. He only realized they had company after Dallon's fist had connected with the side of his face.
"What the-" squealed Blythe from the safe distance she had moved to when Dallon stroke.
"Christ, Dallon!" Mikey yelled touching the side if his face where tender spores of pain were exploding. "What'd you do that for?"
"You're a dick" Dallon snarled with disgust.
"What are you talking about?!" Mikey was still confused by the pain. "You're the one that socked me in the face for no reason!"
"You're a dick! And you had no right to treat Brendon like that!!" Dallon's over-6-feet frame towered over Mikey lying on the floor. Nobody noticed Blythe sneak past them and our of the classroom.
"Brendon sent you to beat me up?" Mikey’s steely gaze tore at Dallon's eyes.
Dallon punched Mikey squarely in the jaw again. "He's not a dick like you! He didn't need to 'send' me, we're friends and friends are supposed to stick together! You don't step on the people you care about just 'cause your friends don't approve of it! If they're your real friends, they shouldn't care what or who you want to be with" Dallon was fuming at this point. "And more importantly, you don't break someone else or lie to them just to please your friends!"
Mikey glanced over to the door and his whole body tensed as he saw Gerard standing there, looking transfixed.
"What makes you so sure I was lying?!" Mikey snapped back at Dallon. "What makes you think I ever really like Brendon? What makes you think I'm even gay?!"
Dallon reached down and pulled Mikey by his shirt. He picked him up and pushed their lips together in an awkward kiss. The kiss was over in 5 seconds, the. He dropped Mikey harshly back down to the floor; the other boy looked more than slightly distraught.
"See that" Dallon muttered. "The difference is that I wouldn't want to do something like that again"
Dallon stalked out of the classroom, leaving a dazed and sad Mikey lying on the floor.
*Kiss and tell, loose lips sink ships*
Frank was walking towards the bus station, when he thought he heard something familiar. He shook his head and kept walking, but the sound ringed once again through the school parking lot. He turned around to see a flushed Gerard running towards him. He sighed heavily but stopped walking nonetheless.
"What are you doing here Gerard?" Frank asked once the other one had gotten within earshot. "If you're trying to recruit me for your homo-fascist group, I'm not interested"
"No! Wait!" Gerard panted as he ran closer to Frank. He stopped until there were about two feet apart.
"What is it, then?" Frank crossed his arms. "Are you gonna call me a fag too, just cause I don't go along with you?"
"I-I'm sorry" Gerard said still slightly out-of-breath. "I'm sorry! I was wrong, I know that! It's just that.... Mikey has always seemed like the least likely one of us to like boys" he paused for laughter that never came, so he continued. "He always seemed so... I don't know! Non-gay? Anyways, he was always like that and suddenly seeing him with Brendon! They looked so happy together! And... And it made me start doubting myself. And right now, when Dallon kissed Mikey -"
"Dallon kissed Mikey?!" Frank interrupted with wide eyes and an almost audible sound of where his jaw hit the metaphorical floor.
"Yeah,” Gerard continued. "So after Dallon kissed him for like, a second. Dallon said that the difference was that he would never want to do that again and... And that got me thinking about us. You and me. And that time that we-"
Gerard couldn't finish his sentence, his lips were otherwise occupied. Frank had closed the gap between them and their lips were currently dancing against each other. Frank griped Gerard’s neck when the other boy placed his hands on his hips. Gerard timidly licked at Frank's lips and the other boy granted him access to his mouth almost instantly. They held on together, deepening the kiss and petting each other almost obscenely, in the middle if the parking lot. And they only pulled away when their lungs felt about to burst.
"Wow!" Gerard sighed happily. "That was...- How did you...- What made you...-" Gerard mumbled. Apparently, Frank -kisses were so earth-shattering they rendered him catatonic.
"Remember sixth grade?" Frank smirked, making the other blush. "I do. I remember you came over to my house because I had broken my arm. My mom told you I was resting but you still came in, and we were alone and you thought I was sleeping, but I wasn't" he paused for dramatic effect. "And then you kissed me"
The blush in Gerard’s face deepened Scarlet-red. Frank took this to mean that the other boy remembered that day as well as he had.
"What I don't get" Frank continued talking. "Is that if you seem to like boys and I really hope you do and I'm not just a little fling you have on the side," Frank winked at the other boy and they both chuckled slightly. "What I don't get is why you were all up on Mikey’s face for liking Brendon"
"I... I guess..." Gerard stammered. He sighed and dropped his shoulders. "I guess I didn't want to see him happy with a boy if I couldn't, and I couldn't because I didn't know you knew all about my first kiss"
"I was your first kiss?" Frank whispered.
"You're all my first" Gerard looked at the other boy with shinning loving eyes. "You were my first friend, my first crush, my first kiss! Before, I didn't talk to anyone and I didn't kiss anyone because every girl I saw I thought was gross. And then I met you" he smiled dashingly at Frank.
"Shut up, you sap" Frank teased good-naturedly as his face was a huge grin too. They closed the distance between themselves and kissed each other again. This would be the first kisses of many to come.