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The adults were the enemy.
Are the enemy.
I wish I could just die.
They tricked me. They made me what I am. I don't want to be remembered as a killer.
Sorry, I hear the proper term for it is hero.
No I'm not. Heroes save people.
I just committed murder. Genocide.
I'm worse than Hitler. He wanted to save one part of the species he thought was at least some what more evolved. He didn't kill them all. I did. I just destroyed an entire planet.
Do Bean and Alai think that I am a killer? I know they were there too but I told them to do it. Do they blame me? Would Valentine believe that I didn't know?
Some times I hate Valentine. But then I realize in order to hate her I would have to remember how to love.
There are times when I look at Bean, or Alai, and even Dink and Petra, then in those moments I think I remember what it meant to love but how can I be so sure.
---
What day is it now? How long have I been sleeping.
I think there's a needle in my arm.
I wonder if I take it out maybe then I can just go to sleep forever. Maybe then I can appologize to the queen of the buggers.
---
I'm dreaming again but in my dream I'm laying down in bed.
Alai is there.
They told me I could go home, Alai in my dream says. I don't want to go back. I want to stay here with you. You who are my friend. You were my only friend Ender.
Remember when I told you Salaam meant Peace? Can you not find it? Can you not find your peace Ender. Come back.... come home and I'll hekp you find it. That's what friends are for. They hold us up when we can't. Let me be your Peace.
He kissed my cheek and whispered a final Salaam and left.
---
In this dream Petra was talking to me Dink was with her.
Hey Ender my shuttle is almost here. I have to go back. My mom and Dad are waiting for me. We're adopting Dink. He doesn't talk much anymore. Says he won't until you wake up. Let us know when you do okay? We love you.
She kissed my forehead like a mother does. Then Dink knelt down and wispered in my ear.
Mother Petra she be talkin'. I won't say a word until you wake up. And if you never wake up I'll never say a word. Those bastards are gonna realize what they did. When I get down to earth I'll figure out a way to make anyone and everyone know what they did.
---
The next time someone came it was all dark. It felt like it had been a long time.
Ho, Ender. It was Bean. He still sounded so small. I don't know what to tell you. Except maybe that I'm a bit bored. Alai and I are the only ones left. Everyone else is gone. We're waiting for you. We even got a special room big enough for the three of us if you want to share that is. We don't know about you but we don't want to sleep alone. I cry at night. This wasn't for us to do. Why did we have to be so young. I have a dream at night and in my dream sometimes I think I can understand the buggers. They never wanted to hurt us. Why did they make us hurt them. The adults say they love you. Dap punched Graff in the face and told him that "rank be damned if he came near you ever again he would kill him." that's what he said. I've never seen him so angry! I miss you. Me and Alai both do.
It was quiet for a little while. I feel Bean slip his little hand in mine. There is still that trace of baby fat. How old is he now eight? How old am I?
You know Ender, I know I come and talk to you every day but today feels different. I feel like maybe, just maybe today you can hear me. Can you?
Alai and I went exploring. We found some tunnels that the adults are too big and clumsy to fit in. When we're not with you we're there. I wish you would wake up so you could see them too.
His voice got softer and I realized I was aware of my body. I could feel his heat sitting next to me for real. Laying there. Just talking to me. Like a friend. He wasn't a dream. You got mad when they called you a hero. I know why because they were wrong. Not wrong that you were a hero of course but wrong about the reason. You are a hero because you could do what they couldn't. You were strong where they were weak and you bested them. You are a hero because you saved me. I got no family. But you are family Ender. You and Alai. We're all eachother's got. At least I know that for sure about me and him.
I don't think I'll be able to find my way back in the dark. I'll stay here tonight.
My heart finally thawed. I guess maybe Bean had the remote to to do that.
---
It took me a while but eventually I opened my eyes. It was dark. Bean was curled up next to me on his side. He looked even smaller than I remembered. But maybe I grew. He held my arm like a stuffed doll. It was falling asleep and starting to hurt. I pulled if from him and he shot up eyes wide and ready to attack. He stared at me for a long moment then he pounced and wrapped his arms around my neck.
"You woke up! Ender you finally woke up! I knew you would all the adults kept being mean and saying you wouldn't but I knew you would! Let me tell Alai."
Without letting go of me he did some odd acrobatics and called Alai.
"Wake up lazy! Ender's up but don't let them know you know. We want to keep him hidden as long as possible!"
"Okay. I'll be right there tell him not to go back to sleep! Or I'll kill him."
I didn't know what to say I hadn't said a word since I woke up.
Alai came through the door breathing hard and threw himself at us too. We were all on my bed a tangled mass of arms and legs and elbows and knees. I laughed.
I laughed and I cried and I was hysterical and I felt crazy. They were doing the same thing so I wasn't crazy alone. I had my friend.
Alai and Bean had always been my friends. They had always loved me. And maybe just maybe this thing that I felt was love too.
Maybe.