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un.
She should just have let go. She should not have persisted, and let her feelings for the older physicist fade away ( though, she doubts she’d ever achieve that, considering what they’ve become through the months of being… close. ) She should have just shoved everything away, back when she told everyone they were dating and Erin denied. She shouldn’t have walked Erin home that night, and changed the game for the both of them.
Erin’s lips were warm underneath hers, but cold was the feeling enveloping them. Only, colder was the claw curling within her. She feels bare, dangerously so, as she tears herself away from Erin; the hands that were once on the physicist’s cheeks coming to rest on her goggles, then slowly pulling them down to cover her eyes. There’s only so little she can do to help herself.
Holtzmann stands up from the bench they were sharing, feeling unwelcome in Erin’s household unlike before. Leave. Forget. Live. It’s the only way she knows they’ll move forward, the only way they can make everything work out again without the threat of what happened this night coming to ruin their job. She’ll be professional and so would Erin, she knows that well enough.
It takes holtzmann a few moments before she moves from her frozen place in front of Erin, hands shoved into her pockets. One good sleep can cure this easily. Hopefully. It's not the first time she dealt with crushes on straight women, after all.
The prickling behind her eyelids have never been this persistent before.
❛ I’m sorry. I’ll be, umm… I’ll be going. Sorry. Uh… see you tomorrow, yeah? ❜
deux.
It’s New Year’s eve, and Erin calls Holtz to the rooftop. Everything’s back to normal for the both of them for a few months now. Holtz' break up with a different brunette seeming to lift the barricades that the blonde placed carefully around herself. But this? Now? It’s hardly reasonable.
She’s taught herself not to hope for a lot. But, hell, the current situation permits her to ( or that’s what she tells herself. )
Holtzmann gets there first and makes herself comfortable despite the cold, gloved hands placed beside her over the cold brick bench they had. She hears the metal door swing open, and she takes her eyes away from the beautiful city in front of her, only to lay them on a sight far more glorious than anything she had ever seen.
It’d be a big lie if anyone said her dating someone else made a significant one with the way she looks at Erin when she sits beside her and puts a drink in her hand.
The ease they once had with the company of the other doesn’t come as quickly as it did before.
It starts with small talk, which involves Erin being unbearably adorable and Holtz constantly maintaining a stoic façade. The blonde only cracking a smile when Erin genuinely does, which makes Erin smile more and sends Holtzmann chuckling.
Then it shifts --everything does-- and Holtz wasn’t quick enough to do something about it ( not that she would, anyways. ) It goes deeper by the second without any resistance with Erin taking the lead. As if she would do anything about it.
Suddenly, there’s warmth pressed gently against her cheeks, and it sets the butterflies inside her stomach ablaze. A distant countdown rings in her ears; she wonders how it she can even hear, when she can't focus on anything but Erin. Always Erin.
❝ What I’m saying is that– ❞ 3… ❝ –Holtz.. I really, really– ❞ 2… ❝ –like you. ❞ 1…
The look on her face must’ve been really confused to conjure quite a bit of hesitation pass through Erin’s features before looking determined again. The clock doesn’t quite strike zero when Erin presses her lips against Holtzmann’s, her only reaction being pulling Erin closer roughly and melting.
By god, what did they ever do to deserve to sink into this spiralling mess in order to get here?
trois.
Jillian Holtzmann wasn’t a relationship type of person. She’d the type of person who’d successfully make a ‘perfect’ month ( aka taking a different girl to bed every night ) if she ever chooses to do so. Most people who’ve encountered her, and heard of her before she became a Ghostbuster could make a convincing statement about how her relationship wouldn’t last long, making Holtzmann almost always open to the lady masses, one lady after another.
That’s why it surprises a massive part of the people who care enough when they announce their engagement on the social media. ( Patty arranged every detail of the announcement. of course, it wouldn’t flop. )
A few years pass, hundreds of challenges overcame, and thousands of ghosts busted later after the Battle of New York later, they stand in front of a pastor with eyes miraculously carrying the weight of happiness and tears in their tiny sacs.
They were surrounded by friends and family, just like how they wanted, and Holtzmann doesn’t need to look at her father to confirm who’s sniffling their nose out. daniel, Jillian’s brother and best man looking elegant in his tux, looking at his sister proudly as ever. Abby and Patty, Erin’s bridesmaids patting down tears and beaming at their best friends. Even erin’s dad who wasn’t elated when they first announced their engagement was beaming at his child with that kind of pride that usually comes from seeing a parent’s one and only offspring in front of the altar with the person who makes them happy by their side.
Vows exchanged, rings snug in respective fingers. Nothing’s gonna stop them now. Not when it’s all going the right way between them. not when they’ve got big plans laid in front of them, only waiting for their go signs to put into action. not now, not ever.
May nothing but death do us part.
❝ You may now kiss the bride. ❞
And so they do.
cuatre.
Erin has been called to guest for a symposium at a prestigious university somewhere, and she doesn’t refuse. She had missed talking to large masses of future innovators, and this was an opportunity for her to impose the old challenge to herself and share what she had learned over the years of being a Ghostbuster. And, for the first time in their married life, Holtzmann doesn’t tag along.
Its not that she didn’t want to go, she only has to take care of their kid, has to oversee the training their apprentices ( the torch goes to the one that burns the brightest and blows her mind, either literally or figuratively. She has it on her will. ) It’s a busy life, truly, which makes the decision to let Erin go alone easier than making a hydrogen bomb.
Holtzmann drives Erin to the airport, hands firmly gripping the steering wheel the entire ride; she drives carefully this time, and Erin knows why.
It doesn’t need saying between them. Erin can read Holtzmann like a book, and vice versa; something that never needed testing, no matter what company they’re with. There’s no one who could match either of them to the other; there’s no room for a piña colada song in their marriage.
Time passes too quickly with their quick banter, and witty jokes, with their soft laughter and the effortless calm that surrounds them. The drive seemed to take only a few minutes, and fewer was the time they had before they’d get to see each other face-to-face again.
The thought sends Holtzmann fiddling with her wedding band while maintaining the usual grin on her face. Best not to worry Erin before she even sets afoot on her designated plane.
Holtzmann’s fingers curl around Erin’s wrist unconsciously, wanting her wife to be by her side for as long as she can keep her there. Which isn’t much. She pushes herself upwards and kisses Erin’s forehead, lips lingering far longer than she normally would.
❛ Take care of yourself, will you? ❜
❝ That’s a big irony coming from you, Jill. don’t worry, I will. ❞
It's the first time Holtzmann felt 7 days to be like an eternity.
cinq.
When Erin’s done putting their children to bed, it’s Holtzmann’s turn to sing her to sleep. Something that she’s grown used to doing since the time they decided to live together, slowly eradicating each other’s difficult time in sleeping.
Their setting was as perfect as can be, really. With Erin curled up against Holtzmann, and Holtzmann rubbing circles on Erin’s back as she coaxes her to a slumber. just as every night did for a little over a decade now. Little do they know about the limited time that the heavens above had pressed into their hands.
Every night, Holtzmann kisses Erin’s forehead at exactly 10:05 pm. Every night, Holtzmann sneaks out of their bed to work on something in their personal laboratory. Every night, Holtzmann washes herself up and joins Erin in bed. Every night, Holtzmann goes to sleep and savors in the fact of waking up next to Erin the next morning.
Strange was the turn of events, unexplainable by the pure sense of logic as it was done out of a whim. Holtzmann leaves their bed and kisses Erin’s cheek, and moves towards their closet, picking out the best she own and places it on the top pile ( what? she wants to take erin out on a fancy restaurant for date night. ) She takes her time to look at their children, Alex and Victoria, and imagining a better world with them marking their footsteps in history. Then she returns to bed, a warm smile on her face as she lays beside Erin, and looking up at the ceiling.
Something in Holtzmann’s mind tells her not to sleep, but she knows what’ll happen if she won’t. Her body hasn’t really been that sturdy since she’s hit the late 40’s with a major threat to her health. She doesn’t think about that; you can’t have something you don’t remember having, right?
Holtzmann turns her head to look at her wife, slumbering peacefully with a face like an angel. She would give her life to keep her this peaceful, no doubt, but life is unfair and rarely takes your opinions to it’s cause. In the morning she would find their bed empty against both of their will, and there’s nothing to be done about it.
Jillian Holtzmann, the ever so glorious engineer, kisses Erin’s forehead with no idea what’s going to face the both of them soon enough. She closes her eyes.
They never see the light of day again.
six.
Tears shed from friends, family, co-workers, and the people she’s served for the better part of her life. None of them quite match the despair coming from her team, the first people to make her feel welcome and loved in their society. None of them quite match the tears shed from her children when they receive the news of their mother’s passing. None of the quite match Erin’s hope in Holtzmann coming back to life as if her heart stilling in the middle of the night was a joke, despite knowing there’s nothing else to be done.
If she only woke up at the right time. If she only stayed up with her and watched her. If this, and if that. Regrets are inevitable, but the time has passed, and no one can turn it back.
May nothing but death do us part.
It’s unfair for the skies to glow as bright as holtzmann’s smile used to, not when too much people are in despair with the familiar ball of lively energy is gone, and there’s no one else to cheer them up.
Warm lips press against the cold hard metal of their first ghost containment unit. There’s nothing in it that makes her warm and tingly anymore.