Work Text:
It was starting to get cold but his body was refusing to acknowledge it. He just sat there, looking at the horizon, at the city lights and breathing in deeply. His brain was such a mess right now that he couldn't fall a sleep, even if his body was so utterly tired that he felt like every one of his muscles hurt.
He felt more than he heard the other sitting beside him, he didn't need to look to know who it was, but from his peripheral vision he could see the other fidgeting with his hands on a blanket's corner. He resisted the urge to put his own hand over the others to stop is fidgeting. He resisted the urge to do a lot of things when it came to the other.
"Why are you here, hyung?" Taeyong's voice was barely above a whisper but, in the silent night, Taeil could hear him perfectly.
"Couldn't sleep." He kept his voice to a minimum too. Afraid that if he spoke even if just a little bit louder, it would disturb the balance of the world, his world. "Why are you here?"
"I woke up, and you weren't in the room... I figured you would be here..." He felt Taeyong's eyes on him, heard the uncertainty in his voice. He knew Taeyong wasn't uncertain about him being there, he knew Taeyong was sure he would find him there. Taeyong was unsure if it was okay for him to be there. When did it start? When did Taeyong start tiptoeing around him? When did they stop gravitating naturally around each other?
"What were you doing?"
Taeil took a moment to breath. Inhaling deeply and exhaling a shaky, barely audible "You..." His heart pounded on his chest, his ears, his head, he couldn't even here himself talking when he said "Me... Us..." over the sound of his heart.
"Us?" The way Taeyong said us made Taeil breathless, made him want to crawl out of is own skin or, maybe, just wish the earth could swallow him, even if he was on the rooftop of a 10 story building.
He felt Taeyong moving, felt him closing the space between them, felt him drape the blanket he had taken with him over both of their shoulders. He felt like crying, and laughing, and he was such a mess of feelings, he contemplated standing up and running away. But where to? Taeyong was his room mate, he didn't have much where to escape to. He could as Mark and Donghyuk to spend the night in their room, but would only upset them, make them think he and Taeyong were on bad terms, when they weren't, not really. He could ask Johnny and Jaehyun, they wouldn't ask questions, but he didn't feel like having their questioning gazes on him. And, what good would it make running away from Taeyong? When, in reality, he was just running away from himself, from his thoughts, from is feelings.
His hands clenched into fists and he closed his eyes, took a deep breath. He was the oldest hyung, why was he acting like a child? He knew how he felt, he just didn't want to acknowledge it. Why? Because he was afraid. They had just debut, it hadn't been that long, and all seemed so uncertain, it all seemed like a dream, like it could just vanish into thin air. It seemed like in one minute he was on the stage, performing, and in the other he could wake up on his bed, prepare to go to college, never have met the other NCT kids, never have met Taeyong. He didn't want to blow everything, lose what he had fight so hard to accomplish, but he didn't want to lose Taeyong either.
"I have been thinking about what you said... About what you feel... how you feel." He let the words sink in on himself. He could feel Taeyong's expectant gaze on him. "I... I feel the same... but..." Taeyong was silent, didn't try to interrupt him, for that he was thankful, he didn't think he would be able to finish what he wanted to say if Taeyong spoke. "I am not as courageous as you... You are the courageous one, the strong one..." It was supposed to be the other way around, Taeil was the oldest, he should be the strong one, but he wasn't, and he only felt safe when Taeyong was around. "What I mean is... I want to try it... I want to try us."
He willed himself to look at Taeyong then, handsome Taeyong, gorgeous Taeyong, otherworldly Taeyong, looking-at-him-with-stars-in-his-eyes Taeyong. "Yeah?" It was just an exhale, but Taeil caught it. "Yeah." Taeyong smiled and Taeil smiled at him too, he couldn't not smile. Taeyong was scooting closer then, adjusting the blanket over their shoulders, arm brushing with his, and Taeil felt warm. Taeyong let his hand slide down is arm till is hand and gently, carefully, intertwined their fingers together. It wasn't the first time they held hands, but the previous times were when their feeling were nothing more than platonic, and now it felt completely different. "Is this okay?" Taeyong spoke softly, and Taeil's heart skipped a beat, let his head fall to Taeyong's shoulder, closed his eyes. "Yeah...".