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These kinds of requests come every so often, from boys and girls at school, or from the dojo. Why teenagers can’t simply go ask Sorey themselves, is beyond me. Maybe they’ve tried and Sorey is too oblivious. Whatever.
Amy’s name isn’t really Amy, nor is she necessarily a girl. Details are being changed to protect the victims’ anonymity.
Amy: Please help set me up on a date with Sorey! Chrissy said you could help!!
Me: Why? (Ah, Chrissy. Chrissy is a false friend and wants to see you crash and burn as well.)
Amy: Because I'm IN LOVE with him obviously lol
Me: You think so. (Not a question.) What do you like about him? He's an idiot.
Amy: Lol! He gets really good grades, Mikleo, he's not an idiot. I like him because…...He's cute! KYYAAA XD
And there we have it. The height of presumptuousness coupled with the most appalling shallowness. Kids these days don't even have the decency to first try to get to know why Sorey is so wonderful. He's just a cute face and nothing more.
Me: You don't even have any classes with him.
Amy: Just help me okay??!! HELP!!!! I'm dying!
Not yet you're not. Run away now Amy. There's nothing there for you except pain.
Me: $50. Up front tomorrow. This Saturday, Miko Sushi in front of the theatre at 1130. You know it?
Amy: OMG thank you!!!!!!!!!
Me: I'll be honest with you right now. You're not gonna like it and you're not gonna have a good time. I'll be there for lunch, if it goes well you guys can go watch a movie. If not then lunch with the three of us will be it. You have until tomorrow to back out. Do you have any questions for me?
Amy: OMG you're amazing Mikleo! Thank you!! Does Sorey like sushi?
Me: No, he hates sushi.
Amy: What? Um, okay. What movie does he want to see on Saturday?
Me: He talked about [name redacted] because it has giant robots punching each other with rocket elbows.
Amy: Never heard of it, but!! That's so adorable!! I would love to watch that movie with him!! Hmmm what kind of girls does Sorey like? I don't think I’ve heard of his previous girlfriends before…
Me: You and me both.
Amy: How…? Wait, Sorey isn't…is he? OMG are you and him-----???!!!!
Me: I assure you, Sorey is not dating anyone, least of all myself.
Amy: Oh. Wow. But he's CUTE…!!! You’re not bad yourself, I mean, both of you are attractive, but you're not my type, no offense.
Me: Thank you. $50 tomorrow math class. No refunds, and I accept no responsibility for bodily or emotional harm. If I were you I would back out now.
Amy: I can't decide if you're being helpful or being mean, Mikleo. Anyways thx!! See you in class tomorrow!!!
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I lean out of my desk to call for Sorey, who’s in the next room. It's Aikido practice hour, so he comes over to my room once his Kata is done.
Me: Sorey, you're going on a date for sushi and movie this Saturday.
Sorey: I don't like sushi though :’( why do they always want to have sushi?
Me: Well, that's what was picked.
Sorey: Are you going to leave again after lunch?
Me: It's your date Sorey, I'm only going to lunch to make sure she's not a creep who's going to take advantage of you in the dark of the theatre. You're going to watch that robot movie, apparently.
Sorey: But we were going to watch that together! D:
Me: And now you're going with Amy. It's okay, I can go by myself later. But you'll spoil it for me right away when you come back, huh. Well, that sucks for me.
A sad sigh. There’s no such thing as overselling it, when it comes to Sorey.
Sorey looks devastated.
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[The Date, as described on Sorey’s blog]
Mikleo ordered the grand unagi don set for me. I love the sweet sauce on the eel, and it definitely beats the raw slices of fish that he got for himself. Not that he even ate much, he gave me most of his slimy fish. Maybe he had a tummy ache?? :’( But he looked sad when I rejected them, and he worked so hard to set up this date for my benefit, I swallowed them like pills anyway. It's the least I can do.
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[Back to Mikleo’s perspective]
Sorey comes to me for advice about dating. I don't intentionally mislead him, I simply tell him what I would personally do if I went out with someone who isn't him. I would ignore them, or I wouldn't talk much about myself. I think it's okay for Sorey to think that I'd said because it'd be rude to talk too much about yourself.
The date with Amy seems to have followed this pattern. Conversation is mostly just Sorey asking Amy about me in math class, and Sorey talking about me in general.
She's obviously disappointed Sorey always comes back around to talking about me. But suffer, Amy, this is what Sorey is actually like.
I pay for lunch, with Amy's money. No need for Sorey to pay out of his own pocket for someone else's benefit.
After lunch, Sorey smiles his sheepish smile at Amy and says it's been fun but he'd really like to watch the movie with just me.
Amy shot me a dirty look. That ungrateful girl. But I deadpan, shrugging to imply Sorey is shooting her down easy, and told her I've tried my best to get Sorey to watch it with her. I told her I don't particularly want to see the movie with Sorey either. I only feel somewhat bad. Nah, I don't feel any bad. That's what you get, Amy, for thinking Sorey is just a pretty face.
She works up the courage to ask if she could go out with Sorey again, just the two of them. Sorey says, sorry, not without Mikleo. That felt good.
She is disappointed, tells me thank you, and leaves with tears in her eyes. I told you from the start, Amy.
Sorey looked relieved that the date was done. “Okay, cool, that was fun. Thanks for buying me lunch, Mikleo. :) You always pay for my dates too. Thanks for watching out for me again.”
Oh, you are very welcome, Sorey. Now, let's see if I have enough left of Amy's money to pay for your movie too.
“You're the best, Mikleo ! :D “
I am. I can still feel myself smirking from this afternoon.
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[Bonus: Variations on a theme. ]
"Amy", angry: Mikleo you set all this up! You motherfucker!
"Amy" reaches to grab Mikleo.
A deadly look of cold fury overtakes Sorey's eyes as he slips in front of Mikleo in full fighting stance.
Sorey: Woah, watch your language. I think you should leave.
Mikleo: I did my best. Now Sorey knows what kind of person you are. Sorry it didn't work out for you.
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"Amy": Then why did you pick sushi?!
Mikleo: because I like sushi and I'm helping you.
Amy: But Sorey hates sushi!
Mikleo: Would it matter to him what he eats on a date if he likes you even a little bit?
Amy:.....I see what you mean. Thank you. Have a good rest of the day with Sorey.
And that's why Sorey stayed single all throughout High School.