Chapter Text
“Dean, please. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. It’s been two months and you’re still beating yourself up over this.” Sam had been trying to get through his brother for ages it seemed. He knew the loss of the angel was hard on Dean, harder than he would let anyone see. Sam knew his brother, he knew Dean was probably killing himself over the death of Castiel, feeling guilty.
He also knew something that Dean didn’t even know yet, or so it seemed. Dean’s real feelings for the angel were far greater than friendship, went way further then anything Dean had ever felt before, for anyone.
“I tried Sammy…man I really tried…but I just can’t keep pretending that everything is alright. Because it’s not…and it’s never going to be. You don’t understand, I wasn’t there, I wasn’t there when Cas died.” Dean had started to pack his bags and Sam could only assume the worst.
“Exactly! You weren’t there, you couldn’t have done anything!” Sam started to become exasperated, he really couldn’t understand
“I could’ve, I should’ve! I told him, Sammy. I promissed him that I would take care of him, and then, when he actually needed me there, I wasn’t. Now you tell me that it wasn’t my fault. You know that you blame me, I know Bobby does.” He slung his bag over his shoulder and opened the door, just when he was closing the door behind him, he turned around. “It’s just… How I feel, this... inside me, I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing.” and walked to his car.
Sam knew that Dean was going to do something stupid, he only hoped for his safe return. That was really Sam all cared about, he had already lost Cas. He didn’t want his brother added to all those people who died these last couple of days.The first week after Sam found the article saying a man was found dead with huge wings branded at his sides in the asphalt, Dean had been in denial. He kept saying that Cas had died so many times, he could easily come back from the dead once more… right?
Dean kept driving until tears started to blur his sight. He parked at the side of the road and covered his face with this hands. All he could think about was the way Cas had looked at him, eyes full of devotion.
"Cas, can we talk?" He'd asked.
"Ofcourse Dean, I always cherish our talks and time together." He'd laughed so sweet and full with warmth. That it physichly hurt to tell Cas what he was about to say.
"Cas, you can't stay." Fast and painful.
His eyes had changed in an instant. From the warm, sweet blue to the hurt, confused, ice cold blue. Like he was trying to shield himself from the pain Dean was inflicting on him.
Dean couldn't tell Sam, ofcourse. Sam still didn't know about Ezekiel so he couldn't tell him the real reason Cas had left, or that Dean had kicked him out. And then... Cas had gotten himself killed. While Dean had promised to protect him. He had failed. Miserably. And he couldn't even tell his brother what he'd done, it was slowly killing him from the inside.
He knew what he wanted to do.
And so he did.
He made a deal with a demon. He wanted to forget about Cas, and only about Cas. No personal feelings anymore clouding his judgement. No more lethal mistakes.
He couldn't and wouldn't cope with losing another loved one. He had already lost so much and so many people. When Dean came across the first crossroad, he got out of his car, opened the trunk and cut out a picture from one of his many fake ID's and the rest he needed to summon a demon.
"Well well, shouldn't we just give you a loyalty card?"
Dean grunted, it just seemed like those demons really didn't know how to make jokes, so he just got straight to the point.
"I need to forget someone."
That was it, he couldn't go back now.
"Trouble in paradise? You wanna take a shot at saving your dear Castiel from the pit? 'Cause that's not gonna work, we won't let him go."
Dean chocked. He hadn't even considered Cas going to hell. He couldn't let that happen again. He cared too much. Cas had been to hell and back (literally) to save Dean. And he couldn't do anything when the roles were reversed.
"But you wanna forget him? Fine, I'll give you ... Hmm... 5 years. Deal?"
Dean didn't say anything, he just kissed her and turned around. When he drove back to the motel he had already forgotten who Castiel was and tried to solve the case in his head. Totally unbothered.
Sam decided to go along with Dean's coping mechanism. Acting like he didn't even remember Cas at all. Little did he know, Dean wasn't acting.