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“You’re doing so well, jagi.”
You were in a sort of dream state, keeping your breathing steady and trying not to vomit. All was quiet but your mind was racing, along with willing yourself not to get sick, you were looking at anything in the room to distract from the unnatural sensations plaguing your body.
Waves of nausea crashed and waned but not long enough to leave you feeling safe. The cold sweat beading your forehead was incomparable to that dripping down your neck to your back from forcing yourself into the proper position.
A bursting feeling gave way to some relief but only briefly. You could feel your feet falling asleep and your shoulders tensing up. Any longer and you wanted to just quit, but in reality it would do nobody any good. Had you been alone you felt you may have had the courage to push through, but even with your husband by your side and the doctor coaxing you to succeed you felt listless, wanting someone else to do the work. It was too late for that, you knew. Compliments flew over your head for the time being, at the end you promised yourself you would believe them as well.
Nothing happened for a long time, only pressure afflicting your lower abdomen and the doctor telling you to wait until it felt right to push. If you had the energy you would have had something to say about that, seeing as you were on the verge of falling asleep after calling Jimin home from work to take you to the hospital. You glared at him the whole way to the hospital in between gritting your teeth during contractions.
You wished crying would alleviate some of the discomfort, it would have been acceptable in the grand scheme of things. Breaking your train of thought, you felt a cold, gloved hand grasp your ankle to get your attention. Not that you’d been paying attention but apparently another contraction was on it’s way and it was time to put what willpower you had left to bring your little wonder into the world. You were so bitter about it all currently. You went through the morning sickness and the weird cravings and frequent bodily changes with some mirth but it seemed to just get worse at the end.
“Now’s the time, honey”. The weathered woman said, softly.
You wanted to blame her and Jimin for the pain and fear you were experiencing but that would get you nowhere. Jimin’s hand sat comfortingly on your back while his other arm braced your leg to help you gain some traction. You were probably the most grateful for him in this one moment than you were in your entire life together. His usual squinty smile was replaced with an almost shy look obviously meant to keep you calm and reassure you. The former would have made you happier but of course you were in no shape to complain.
Gathering your thoughts once again, you bared down, bile rising in your throat. Jimin was standing by ready to give you the small curved dish they thought would hold a normal person’s stomach contents. He didn’t like to see you sick and frankly you did not like being sick, morning sickness did not even get you used to it. Feeling more pressure than before you could tell you would be achieving something quite soon. So much was happening, it hurt but it was all fuzzy as you just wanted it to be over. When the momentum was halted you almost did cry. Worrying your lips, dry from breathing through your mouth, you wanted yet again to give up and cry.
The next ten minutes was filled with deep breaths warding off nausea and silent penalization for ever eating in the first place. Too long. It was taking to long. The four hours of labor at home had been agonizing, sure. The six hours in the labor suite with the epidural was far better, but in the act it was like the medication barely made a dent.
A second wind swept over you, the cold sweat coating your skin revitalizing you somewhat. You still could not bear to make eye contact with anyone lest you lose your cool and shatter. You did not need the doctor to prompt you a second time as you pushed yourself forward almost before Jimin tightened his grip on your leg. You were going to do this. Win it all and go home with the trophy. Metaphorically of course, you would really be going home with your tiny, new human. A strange concept, pretty foreign to new parents.
A smirk graced the doctor’s face like she was the one who gave you the drive to push this little person out of you. You could hardly wait to get home and share your thoughts with your friends. In the clutches of the professional you want to insult, it is best to keep mum.
Picking up strength from the forthcoming victory, you strained against anything you could get a grip on, i.e. Jimin and the side rails of the bed. You hate to admit it felt like a popping sensation as the doctor announced the passing of the baby’s head. You did not want to spoil the magic of childbirth but it was gross and it could only be compared to horrible, dirty things. She offered a mirror to show you your progress but immediately dropped it, probably taking a cue from Jimin behind you. In the months leading up, you drilled into his head that if they rolled in a giant mirror or invited him to take a look he was to decline in your stead.
You loved him for his personality and a little for his looks but he was also a good listener and did all he could to make you happy. That is how you got a nursery directly out of Architectural Digest. If he had to work overtime he would still wake up early with you to dry your tears and wipe away the sweat after voiding your stomach in the morning. At this point in time you believed it would never happen again in your lifetime, but knowing he did it without prompting was an immense gift to you.
The fog was settling in over your vision as you ignored your surroundings and surpassed the disruption in your stomach to focus on the task at hand. Wallowing was getting you nowhere even though you were at the mercy of your body.
“I think one more should do it”. Out of the silence the kind doctor quipped.
Jimin hummed a sigh of relief behind you, your sentiments exactly. Your normally crass nature would have been acceptable in this situation but you were keeping as quiet as possible, hoping it would make it end faster. Time made no sense in this place. It had been light out when you got there but it had to be some time close to midnight at this point. You were in a swirling abyss of silence, pressure, pain and uncertainty.
Finally you could feel the end near. Something big happened, it had to have been the shoulders. Everything afterward felt like it was flushed from your body. The residual ache and sting set in but the biggest part of the pain was gone. You could breathe and you could hear Jimin exhale behind you, releasing a breath you did not know he was holding. To hear a woman of the doctor’s age giggle was oddly endearing. You looked up dazedly as she presented your son like an award for your efforts.
It is assumed after giving birth all new mothers want is to hold their baby and never let go. You were happy he was out and safe and healthy, but exhaustion had a hold on you which made your eyes droop like laundry left out in the rain. A nearby nurse took his measurements and almost handed him to you before she noticed your head lolling back and your eyes closing peacefully. The last you saw, Jimin was accepting his firstborn with a look of disbelief and pure adoration.
Barely enough time to fully fall asleep and the pain and pressure was back along with the fear. You jolted up making it even more excruciating, as the doctor resumed her position to help you deliver the afterbirth. It reminded you of the conversations you had with relatives about the curative properties of consuming one’s own afterbirth. You could never imagine yourself doing that and Jimin offhandedly said he’s probably never see you the same if you did. He already saw you through so much in the last year, but today was probably as frightening as it was going to get. It was a mutual belief that you only needed to see your child after it was completely outside the womb. Aside from ultrasounds, the only time necessary was when the baby was wrapped snuggly in a blanket, a cap adorning its fragile head.
The delivery of the placenta was far more harrowing, considering the lining of your uterus was pulling itself free. Think period cramps times a million. The movies rarely show the real struggle. All you can do after the baby is out is wait for whatever it had been surviving on for the past few months to slowly detach and depart from your body.
From the gliding rocker in the corner, Jimin looked on with pain in his eyes as your son gazed up at him from his arms. Jimin would take all of your pain if he could but in this instance he was the only one to keep your son safe and warm while you suffered a little longer. You did have enough energy to at least make eye contact and give a weak smile before a final searing blow. As if confirming your thoughts, the doctor nearly ejected from her seat to announce you had come through swimmingly and with a couple shots of lidocaine and a few sutures, you’d be right as rain.
Stitches in the taint aside, you were relieved to finally be done with this whole charade. You wanted to cry and sleep and cry and maybe see how the rest of your little family was doing if your wavering emotions allowed.
Left alone with Jimin and the baby, you were a lot happier than you had been a couple hours ago. You had lost all animosity you had for yourself and your surroundings. The drugs they gave you helped a whole heaping load, getting it while you could before going home with prescription strength tylenol to tide you over.
Depositing the small boy into the provided plastic bassinet, Jimin gently shifted you over on your fresh sheets to scoot in beside you having picked up your son for you to get a closer look. He was sleeping at this point as the sun was coming up in the morning of the early June day. The sun was barely grazing the floor you were on but some light shone through the blinds. You were looking at the baby in Jimin’s arms and you were sure he was looking at you because he blushed when you looked up at him.
It was kind of expected that your child would bear more of a resemblance to your husband seeing as he carried more dominant genes. You could already see it in the tiny, splotched face. He had Jimin’s squinty eyes and the color would fully reveal itself in a few weeks or months as he grew. He was still red and squishy looking from his confinement, but he would be likely to have your fair skin and would probably have the ability to tan like his father. You would be ecstatic if he had some of your freckles. Dark hair running in both families, the boy’s hair would dramatically juxtapose his skin.
You wouldn’t brag that you were the cutest baby, because you did not think you were, but Jimin always praised you for who you are not who you were. That and Jimin’s naturally adorability would make for quite possibly the cutest kid on earth. Sure, every mom thought that about their kid, but how many of them were blessed to be married to Park Jimin.
Finally feeling the weight of your son in your arms for the first time you felt like you were being crushed. The doctor re-entered with a wicked smile on her face.
“You don’t look half bad for giving birth to a 12 pound baby”. She was definitely a giggler.
“But I definitely feel like it”. You said absently, looking back at your tiny son.
“Well he’s actually 11 pounds 14 ounces, but semantics”. She added.
You did not think she was actually being serious. Jimin looked a little surprised too because he looked so compact in his burrito of a blanket. Neither one of you had ever held a newborn but yours was apparently twice the size of most babies. Thinking back on the day you wished he’d been smaller because it would have been so much faster and less painful, but now you had war stories to share, maybe even scared your newly married friends to keep it safe in the bedroom.
The doctor left a nurse to have you fill out the birth certificate. You and Jimin both stared blankly at the form with the tiny hand and footprints. Keeping the baby’s gender secret from friends and family had been fun, it made picking a name hard. You had narrowed it down but being from different cultural backgrounds it was a battle to figure out how to integrate them. Obviously he’d have his father’s last name, which you had taken as well in marriage. You two were on the fence about going all american or traditional Korean for his first name.
Had any of your friends known of the predicament they would have contributed. Neither of you wanted to name your son after a celebrity or a meme. Baby boy Park was probably going to leave the hospital without a permanent name. It would disappoint your parents, but you were too tired to do this right now. Jimin agreed to hold off until you could have some rest. You guiltily let the nurse take your son to the nursery but easily settled into Jimin’s embrace and let him hum you a lullaby as you drifted off.
The next time you awoke was to practice feeding your son. Not that he hadn’t seen it all before, Jimin still shied away when you bared your chest. It was a strange sensation, not all that foreign as Jimin had an oral fixation in the boudoir but he had teeth. This would be reserved for the baby from now on, Jimin would have to understand that he was not number one in your book anymore, but you doubted he’d mind as he graciously offered to burp his son for the first time. He only winced a little when he got spit up on. A true hero.
Your parents came in and you skirted around the name issue by referring to the baby as Bubba, a name you gave everything you found cute and cuddly. Jimin’s parents would be Skype calling in a few hours so you had time to rest after having guests. You still had not thought of a name for your little boy, Jimin was not fond of Bubba. You suggested a traditional Korean name for the certificate and an anglicized nickname for everyday use. It was easy for Jimin to use his name because it was so short, but you son’s name would probably end up hassling people, especially in school. You wanted him to have an original name, Jr.s were not your cup of tea.
Tapping the pen against the small side table, Jimin suddenly gasped, surprising you and by extension the baby. You frantically pulled him from his cot to calm him. Jimin sheepishly apologized by way of a kiss to your temple and a soft stroke of the baby’s cheek.
“I-I thought of a name”. He said after appeasing you.
You quirked you head as if to ask what name he came up with. You could tell he was feeling a little self-conscious about deciding something so big by himself. He did not want to saddle your kid with a bad name any more that your did.
“Go on”. You coaxed as you cooed at the baby.
Jimin continued to fidget before sliding over a scrap of paper with a name on it.
It had taken him all of four hours to write one name down, but it felt like the right one. You flipped the paper over to reveal your son’s name.
“Park Ha Neul”. It rolled off the tongue nicely.
Jimin looked like a giddy little boy when you said the name aloud. You were happy to give him the honor of naming your firstborn. He started to hastily scribble it onto the form until you reminded it it had to be in English, therefore he printed each letter neatly. He finished his masterpiece then sat staring at you intently. You were unsure why until he prompted you.
“What’s his nickname going to be?” He questioned, tilting his head like a curious puppy.
You had the same amount of time to think one up as he had, but you just assumed when you learned his name it would come to you. It did not and that surprised you somewhat. You looked at his squinty eyes slowly blink up at you and you just could not see him as anything other than Ha Neul. You made this thought known. You could tell Jimin was elated but knew he would have wanted you to have some part in the process. It would have been nice to have a stake in naming your son but you could feel that he would only ever been known by the name Jimin gave him.
The call tone alerted your small family to the Skype call from Jimin’s parents. You were not one hundred percent on Korean even after Jimin trying to teach you, but he already had a jumpstart on English so you mostly spoke English at home and continued to teach him everyday. You greeted your in laws as best you could and had Jimin translate as they excitedly rattled on about how cute their grandson was and how nice it was that he had a Korean name and would definitely be in Korea for Christmas to meet his Korean family. You were a bit overwhelmed but Ha Neul snuggled in your arms calmed you significantly. You overheard laughing and Jimin told you his parent’s explanation for the baby’s size was all the American food you and Jimin were eating. You usually would have argued that you had a weak stomach for spicy food but you ate a jar of kimchi with ice cream during one of your craving spikes. Even Jimin found it disturbing.
You held the baby up to the webcam for his grandparents to see him and they cooed as he completely ignored them, instead nuzzling you indicating he was hungry. Jimin sent his parents a quick farewell to give you some privacy. You were engrossed in feeding your son when you felt the mattress dip and a warm arm coiled around your shoulder. Jimin was still not used to seeing you this vulnerable but you were both becoming more comfortable with your new roles as parents. You both leaned into each other and gazed lovingly as Ha Neul started to drift off post dinner. Jimin, always wanting to share the burden, grabbed a nearby blanket and took his son to burp him before he passed out completely. You knew this system would never work 3 AM feedings but it was much appreciated at the time.
With Ha Neul safely tucked away in the nursery and Jimin having gone home to shower left you struggling to sleep soundly. Even on the previous night with Ha Neul away, you had Jimin cuddled up next to you on the slightly uncomfortable hospital bed. The six or so hours between finally falling asleep and Jimin signing your discharge papers was fretful to say the least. Calmness was all you felt after the agony of childbirth, now you were heading home and there would only be you and Jimin to care for your son. No nurses to teach you or give you a much needed break.
Being wheeled out to the waiting car with a fidgety baby in your arms, the grooves and dips in the brick walkway were jarring and painful. Jimin would have carried you had he known the extent of your discomfort but that would be asking too much of him. He buckled Ha Neul into the plush car seat and aided you in your endeavor to move from wheelchair to the backseat where you could keep an eye on the baby. At every stop sign and light you met Jimin’s eye in the rearview mirror and shared soft smiles and light laughter, trying not to disturb the finally sleeping infant.
Home felt like a foreign country when you arrived. The exterior of the building remained unchanged, but inside was different from the pastel colored room you spent the last few days in. Thankful would be too weak a word to describe how you felt to live in a building with an elevator. The steps from the car to the lobby were excruciating as you lagged behind Jimin despite him carrying your bag and the baby carrier. He reached the elevator a full two minutes before you. Your whole body felt out of whack what with staying stationary for a few days and losing the constant weight you had grown accustomed to. You swore you could feel your organs shift with each movement. The nurses said it was all in your head but you could see a jumble of guts every time you took a moment to catch your breath.
Any other day living on the top floor would feel like ascending to heaven but today it was taking way too long. You wanted to melt into your familiar nest of smells and the warmth of Jimin wrapped around you watching tv. Things would be different now, but you wanted to be different. Different from all the moms you had seen in life and fiction. You never wanted to put your son down. He would want for naught because you would always be with him. It already sounded like a bad idea, but you would never be a monster-in-law. You would be happy if Ha Neul was happy.
Jingling keys alerted you to Jimin pushing the door open and scooting your bag in first before picking up the baby carrier and taking your elbow to guide you in. You were both a little taken aback by the sight inside the apartment. Stacks of gift awaited you, strange as you had had a baby shower three months ago, but everything here was gender specific. You had only found out it was a boy when Ha Neul was born. Jimin was quiet when you looked at him for an explanation. He did not need to as Taehyung and Jungkook casually strode out of the kitchen, each with a sandwich. You only just noticed the tv was playing some sports channel. They looked like deer in headlights. The gulps were audible as they scrambled to clear up the snacks they laid out on the coffee table and turned off the tv. Hoseok and Yoongi meandered in from the nursery, Hoseok looking excited and Yoongi a little awkward. Now you were just wondering where Jin and Namjoon were. Jimin answered that for you saying they were coming over for dinner on the weekend to give you time to settle in.
You could have done without four of your husband’s friend crowded into your two bedroom apartment along with the mountain of gifts they acquired in the last 24 hours. Really, you did not need all this stuff, maybe the diapers and onesies were acceptable, but three prams, two breast pumps (probably Jin’s idea), and toys only suitable for children 3 and up. You took no excuse about sales or toys of the future being crap. People said that when you were a kid too. You did miss the toys you used to have, it just was not the same nowadays.
You sat quietly amused in your gliding rocker, feeding Ha Neul while Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook manhandled the large boxes of clothes and toys into the loft space for safe keeping. Hoseok tried to maintain a conversation without making eye contact, to protect your chastity, as Yoongi looked like he was itching to bolt from the room. It was true, you had never seen him with children before even though his girlfriend brought it up frequently since you announced your expectancy but to no avail it seemed. Hoseok finally looked over at you hearing the cue of Ha Neul’s tiny burp as a sign of safety. You could see his fingers twitching with need. Laughing to yourself you slowly got up, much to Yoongi’s horror, to sit next to Hoseok and hand him the baby. His eyes lit up and his 1000 watt smile damn near blinded you.
Jimin and his cohorts settled into the other couch in the living room and started to chat it up. You really only paid attention to whomever held the baby, making sure his neck was supported and he was happy. He seemed to like Hoseok the best, but Taehyung had a lot of experience with kids so he would probably be the favorite uncle when Ha Neul got older. You were feeling a bit bad about Yoongi, so while Jimin showed his son off to Jungkook, you turned to him and glared at him until he cracked. He gave a small, turtle-ish smile. Had you met Yoongi before Jimin there was a high chance you would have ended up together. Being three years older than Jimin you had felt more comfortable with Yoongi to begin with but Jimin won your heart. Yoongi was now just a good friend, maybe more so to you than your husband. The distance between you only grew when you told the group you were having a baby. It did not help that he had a baby crazy girlfriend who he loved with all his heart. You were her best friend so you could not really tell him to dump her. You were in a pickle with those two.
You blamed yourself for Yoongi feeling left out. What he told you while you two were in your little bubble made you feel so much better.
“I’m going to propose on her birthday” he said quietly as his thumbs picked at his drink label.
You wanted to jump around and hug him and scream but a few factors inhibited your natural reaction. You could barely get out of a chair without help right now, your chest kind of hurt from feeding Ha Neul and screaming would probably wake him up. You simply shared your most ecstatic smile with him and shook both of his hands almost to the point of spilling his drink on the carpet. He told you to keep it a secret from Jimin, knowing if he knew Taehyung would soon after and eventually it would get back to his girlfriend and ruin the surprise.
You bore with the dull ache of your body as you could not let Yoongi leave without giving him a tight hug and whispered well wishing. Jimin was suspicious but Ha Neul needed to be changed so the topic was forgotten.
Although it had been a daily ritual to go into the nursery and imagine a real baby living there, it was a whole other world in reality. The aesthetic styling seemed pretentious and formal. You were in full mom mode, anything unnecessary was going out in the trash tomorrow. Jimin understood your feelings but you still compromised by scattering the more expensive furnishings around the other rooms to make use of them. You felt much better once Ha Neul was surrounded by the things loved ones had given him. The room was still cohesive but it looked like it could be lived in instead of a museum exhibit on interior design. You wanted your son to have all the freedom in the world. He would learn and grow with you and Jimin leading the way starting of course in your cozy home.