Archive of Our Own

You've been acting awful tough lately

Life is quite strange isn't it? Men pride themselves on being strong, being tough and being objective. This is what makes us different…what makes us men. Its kind of funny. No matter how hard we try to get rid of our emotions to be tough, no matter how hard we try you just can't…or at least I couldn't.

Lets take this back a little ways, back to around the time this all started…back when I felt empty inside.

I looked around, seeing my peers all around me as they shuffle back and forth to their various classes. They take no notice to me, no one ever takes notice to anyone else…to wrapped up in their own problems to notice anyone else hurting around them. A slam of the locker next to me brought my attention forward just like that, blinking as I came back to reality.

"So are you coming over after school today for our project cuz?" came that sweet…yet a little annoying voice of the brunette next to me. I tilt my head in the voices direction, being greeted by spiky brown hair and blue eyes…a wide smile plastered on his face. I nodded my head to my cousin, my voice wasn't the most heard thing in the school after all. Sora took that…my family had learned to deal thus far with it.

My brunette cousin tried to do something strange…I'm not sure what was going through his head…its like he forgot. I felt warm appendages grasp around my form…my body squirming and writhing to get away out of preservation…instinct. The look on my face looked something like a mix of fear and surprise…no one ever hugged me…they knew better…well except Sora apparently.

My eyes squeezed shut, like I was in pain from the experience. It did hurt…but not in the physical sense…it was like a knife to my heart. You have no idea how much I wished I wasn't afraid of a simple hug…of being touched by my own family…it hurt so much because I knew how much it hurt them. This was when I wanted to break down…but I couldn't…I had to keep up the tough façade…keep up the lie.

It's okay to say you've got a weak spot

I didn't tell them, never told anyone actually. They just knew I had changed…never knew the reason why…only three people knew…them and me. I stared at the ceiling of my room, the fan whirling around and around…slicing through the air. That word…slice…even just thinking it makes my back ache…like its on fire. I get up to look at it in the mirror, peeling off my grey t-shirt. I see blue eyes and spiky blonde hair staring at me…who is that in the mirror? Dead eyes stare at me from the mirror…exposed chest riddled with scars. I turn my back to the side so I can get a view of it…worse than the front. A dead person in the mirror, a shell that was once Roxas…now all that's left is me…a shell.

A knock on my door has me scrambling for my shirt, hoping I'm quick enough. My luck…I'm not fast enough. I look back, hoping they didn't see…not even knowing who it is. I look to see blonde hair…a worried expression…Hayner.

"…Roxas…let me see your back…" he demands…his face filled with a mix of shock, anger and confusion. I step back, holding onto the fringes of my shirt…not planning on taking it off. I shake my head furiously, backing up to my bed. My friend is faster than I, in seconds he closes the difference between us…using his superior strength to lift up my shirt…eyes glancing at my scarred chest. He looks at my face…eyes sad…filled with pity.

You don't always have to be on top

My eyes felt wet…I didn't want anyone to see me like this. They couldn't see the shell I had become. It hurt…more than the abuse…more than anything I've been through. Just that look in his eyes…knowing that sadness I had caused him…its my fault this happened…its always my fault! I didn't want to hurt them…didn't want them to see the whore I've become. I am just a whore…nothing more!

"…Roxas…" he says, his tone full of sadness and pain….a small hint of anger no longer present in his words. Tears streamed down my cheeks as he looked at me…I didn't want him to see me like this…a whore…a worthless whore. I tried to hard to be tough…tried so hard to hide it from them so they couldn't see me…they'd hate me! He hates me…I hurt him and he hates me! My eyes shut as I whimpered out, tears trailing down my cheeks…cold and painful.

Something warm brushed against my cheek, my eyes opening to see him…wiping away my tears. A soothing whisper graced my ears, strong arms grasping around me…trying to comfort me. I flinched…but he still held on…when others have given up. His other hand pats the back of my head…mumbling words of comfort to me.

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable

You are not a robot

I was so vulnerable then…but slowly things started to seem…well better. Hayner helped me…he was there when I needed him. He didn't ask any questions, even when he did he didn't expect any answers. He was just there for me…I didn't deserve it. I was nothing but a whore who should have died on the side of the street where they left me.

I felt different somehow…it was a strange feeling. I didn't talk…to my family or friends. Then something strange happened. It was one day at my house with Hayner…just the oddest thing but it seemed to make him…happy. We were in my room, he was talking while we did our homework as usual.

"Ugh…I just don't get they don't like me!" Hayner complained about the cheerleaders…I think at least. He crossed his arms to pout, my eyes naturally trailing over him. Of course,…I really didn't know what came over me. My voice, weak and hoarse from not being used just came out on its own!

"…I like…you…" I said, my eyes widening as I heard my own voice. Hayner looked at me, putting his hands behind his head with that stupid sheepish grin on his face. It was like he had won something. My eyes shifted back down to our work…that was the first time in two years I had said a word.

You're loveable, so loveable

But you're just troubled

It was time for a dance…the dance to be exact. It had been about a year since then…and somehow things seemed to be close to normal. I was talking…to an extent…mostly just to Hayner and a few people sometimes…and when Sora whined enough he usually got a word out of me. I wasn't planning on going to the dance…what was the point…the one person I wanted to go with didn't like me in that way…not that I deserved them anyway.

Today was when my world came crashing down. It was at my house…in my room like always. It was our routine…play games and talk a little while I helped Hayner with his work. Hayner wasn't really dumb…he was just slower than some so he had to work harder. He looked at me with those eyes and said the strangest thing.

"So…you going to the dance?" he asked. I looked at him…why did he want to know. Well he was my best friend now I guess…so I suppose it wasn't that strange. He was probably going to try and fix me up with someone knowing him…so I didn't feel left out.

"…N..No…" I stuttered, earning a smile from him.

"That's to bad, I bet you would have looked cute in a dress," he said teasingly, sticking his tongue out at me. My face heated up…I must have been red as a tomato. I opened my mouth to yell at him…another thing that I had been doing a lot recently. Hayner seemed to have fun poking at me…like in this way he could see a glimpse of the old me. What happened next I didn't expect. Something soft brushed against my lips, my eyes widening as I realized what was happening…he was KISSING ME! My face no doubt stayed that beat red color…this weird feeling running up my spine…causing me to shiver involuntarily. I looked at Hayner as his lips parted from mine.

"You know your cute when you angry," he said with a smirk…that same smirk he had when he had first gotten me to talk. It was like he won…but…this was just the beginning…the beginning of the end of my world.

Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing

The next part was…during said dance. Hayner made me promise I'd go to the dance…somehow I just couldn't say no to him. I don't know why…but after that kiss…it just felt like I wanted nothing more then to be by him. During the dance…I mostly stayed on the side. Hayner made have wanted me at the dance but he never said I had to…well dance.

Just my luck a slow song started to play…and what does my best friend do…grabs my hands and drags me out onto the dance floor. He holds me close to him…and we dance middle school style. If it were anyone else I probably would have run screaming out of there. But I didn't…this was Hayner…I always felt safe and happy around him. Then it happened…the little thing that shattered my world and my façade. My face nestled in the crook of my taller friends neck as we danced.

"Rox…" he started, earning my attention.

"…yeah…?" I responded, looking up into my friends eyes.

"I…I…love you…" he sort of mumbled so that only we could hear. The sound of broken glass…not real glass…but the shattering of the façade…the masks that I kept up. My body let go of Hayner…something hot and wet running down my cheeks. My body made a run for it, to quick for Hayner to stop me. I ran…and ran…and ran.

You're loveable, so loveable

But you're just troubled

He said he loved me…I don't deserve to be loved. I stayed in the bathroom…crying…hurting. I just couldn't take the pain anymore…those three little words set me off. Before I knew what had happened…I saw Hayner over me…crying…my arms felt warm and wet. He was whispering to me…apologizing and trying to comfort me…asking me not to go.

I looked to my left…seeing red. I looked back at Hayner…the pain in his gaze weighed on my heart. I was rushed to the hospital…as you probably can tell I survived…since I'm tell this to you. When I woke up…the first thing I saw was Hayner, dark circles under his eyes…he hadn't slept all night…he looked so relieved…I just didn't understand. I thought he hated me…he was angry with me…but he just looked so…happy that I was alive…did he really love me? I thought…I didn't deserve love…but he proved me wrong.

I am not a robot

It was time I told them…told everyone what happened to me. It was dark…in an alley like you'd imagine. The only difference is…they were my friends, or at least so I thought. Tore-n brought me there to meet with a friend of his…that's where I met the red head. Their hands all over me, the subtle cuts on my skin again…and again and again! They didn't just rape me…they took great pleasure in torturing me. Each cut…they made sure I felt it…like paper cuts all over my body. Then the real work started, slicing along my back…but they made sure not to cut too deep…they never let me escape it either…always just enough pain so that I didn't pass out…but soon enough my voice was raw…I couldn't scream anymore. People walked by us…no one stopped them…they all just acted like we weren't there. It hurt so much…I thought I died that day…for a long time I wished I had…but now I'm glad I didn't…because now I'm loved.