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Im Hyunsik is successful.
He's successful, but to say he's happy would be a bit of a stretch. There's something that sits uncomfortably in his chest, returning in pangs, that leaves him gasping on the floor for breath, curled into a tight ball. It's scary, terrifying, even, but it's okay. He needs to bear through it.
The only thing that keeps him going is Ilhoon. He'd never admit it, but the rapper, for some strange, unfathomable reason, practically lives for Hyunsik's smile, so even when he's not feeling it, he forces his lips upward. He only wants to make Ilhoon happy.
Except, when the boy starts growing distant from him, detached, it becomes difficult to remember that. He doesn't feel like smiling anymore, not when he sees the traces of the rapper left so carelessly behind, not when he doesn't know what he's done to deserve such a treatment. The rest of the members know as well, of course they do, but it's not like they could actually do anything about it.
Ilhoon is strong, and he has Sungjae who's always willing to back him up. Hyunsik thinks he's supposed to feel outraged, perhaps, but there's this strange sense of calm fluttering through him; he's happy Ilhoon has someone to depend on. Hyunsik does too, with Eunkwang trying multiple times to get him to let it out, but that's the thing: he has nothing to say. He doesn't know what he's done wrong, but if Ilhoon of all people, starts ignoring him, he's probably deserved it. It's not like it matters what he thinks, anyway--he's the visual for a reason, after all.
'Just...look pretty for the cameras.'
But Hyunsik has always fought for what he's thought right. Which is why it's surprising when, during their comeback season, he gets only 2 lines in the entire song but doesn't protest it. It worries all of them, because he normally wouldn't take this sitting down, but it especially worms an uneasiness into the heart of one Lee Minhyuk the most.
When he finally confronts Hyunsik about it, he doesn't get the answer he wants.
"So?" Hyunsik asks calmly, though a small part of him shakes with unrestrained rage, "What do you want me to say?"
"Yah, that's not the point here!" Minhyuk actually bats his hand in the air, "You only got two lines! Why aren't you asking for more?"
"I think the line distribution is up to the arranger," Hyunsik shrugs nonchalantly, "I'm only letting them do their jobs, after all."
"Yes, but--" Minhyuk flounders for words, but Hyunsik's already up by then, making his way past him easily.
"Calm down hyung," He calls over his shoulder, "It's not like I'm the main vocal or anything anyway."
Minhyuk's left gaping uselessly at the floor.
'Look, Hyunsik-ah, you need to stop asking for so many lines. Let the mains and leads have their go. You're...You're just the visual.'
Hyunsik feels exhausted, honestly. He's been up since morning surfing the internet and, well there's only so much a guy can do without going absolutely insane. He knows, in a small part of him, that he also needs to put in some effort to relieve the others of their burden--he needs to stop taking up all of their focus and attention.
But still.
He's just about to give up and watch cat videos or something, when he turns around--only for Changsub to leer threateningly at his face. Under normal circumstances, this would be funny, but right now, all Hyunsik can do is try to get the air back in his lungs, he needs to breathe, but he can't--
He finally manages to slow everything into a low murmur in the background, quickly forcing a smile onto his face as Changsub's perplexed expression.
"What're you doing?" The older man asks curiously, trying to peer into his laptop, only for Hyunsik to shut it down immediately, making the screen go black.
"Ah, nothing hyung, it's fine." He gets up hastily, before making his way out of the room. He misses, however, the frown that lingers on Changsub's lips.
"But why are you searching for more face masks...?" He mumbles to himself in surprise.
'You know you're the visual, Hyunsik-ah. If you can't even look good, then you'd have no use for the group, or any of the members. You'd be a burden.'
Hyunsik's standing in front of the mirror.
He frowns at the darkness under his eyes, at how puffy and swollen they are. He needs to figure out a way to fix them, without too much makeup of course, since it would only be painfully obvious then.
"What's up?"
He startles at the unexpected voice, only to smile out of reflex when he sees Eunkwang bounce over to him cheerily, weight pressing heavily into his own body as he too looks in the mirror.
"Ah, nothing hyung." He says politely, before adding, "It's just...my dark circles are getting really bad."
"Yeah, same." Eunkwang pouts sadly at the mirror, poking at his own eyes and eliciting a chuckle from Hyunsik, "I guess we'll need to wait till comeback season's done to get some actual beauty sleep."
"Yeah, but..." Hyunsik looks again, biting his lip, "I'll just need to figure out something, I guess."
"Why?"
"Huh?" The question catches Hyunsik off guard, and he looks confoundedly at their leader, noting in slight concern that his eyes are dark, grave.
"Why do you need to do something that the rest of us don't need to?" Eunkwang elaborates carefully, eyeing Hyunsik, who only shrugs lightly.
"It's just what I need to do, hyung." He smiles again, more forcedly this time, before patting the shorter man on the shoulder lightly, "It's my job."
"Yah, Im Hyunsik!!" He hears their leader holler after him and he walks away quickly, just raising his hand in a passive goodbye, "Yah!"
It's five in the morning when Hyunsik needs to wake up, and when he does, he wishes he could fall back asleep again. He stays in bed a moment longer, before sighing and forcing himself out from under the sheets, hissing at the cool tiles underneath his feet.
He pads slowly to the bathroom, quickly brushing his teeth and inspecting his face. They've got a filming to do on a variety show today, and Hyunsik isn't interested in taking part that much. He doesn't normally wake up this early either, but preparations call.
Sighing, he washes his face gently, before eyeing the products littering his sink. Well, there's a lot of work to do, isn't there?
He makes his way out from the room just as tired as before, though slightly more alert. He side-steps Eunkwang as the latter bustles around from room to room, trying to rouse the members. Hyunsik briefly wonders if he should as well, except that he changes his mind. It'd only add more to Eunkwang's stress if Hyunsik decides to try and lend a hand, so he doesn't. Still, it'll be interesting to hear the screams when the rest of the members realize that five of them need to shower in around an hour.
When he enters his room, he sees Peniel sitting on his bed, obviously exhausted, and he smiles lightly, ruffling the kid's hair lightly as he bats at his hand lightly.
"Ugh, hyung, stop!" He whines tiredly, and Hyunsik stops, unable to help his smile from growing, Peniel really is cute.
"It's your fault Donggeun-ah." He teases lightly, referring to Peniel's real name. It's not something that the others do, but Hyunsik gets exclusive rights to it--it's something special, something used only in the privacy of their shared room. It's unique for their friendship.
"I don't want to go brush." Peniel sighs sadly, and Hyunsik really, really wants to coo at him because he's adorable when he's half-sleepy, "Can't I just go back to bed?"
"No." Hyunsik says honestly, "It's almost six now. We need to leave at seven, Donggeun-ah."
"Wait, what?!" If he was droopy before, he's awake now, shooting up from the bed, "Shit, hyung! Why didn't you wake me before?"
"Well, you should hurry." Hyunsik shrugs, though he feels slightly guilty--he was too invested in his own thoughts before, "I'll make it up to you though, so go!"
Just as Peniel's about to go to the door, it's slammed open, making both of them startle dramatically, Hyunsik even nearly falling off his bed.
"TIME TO EAT!!"
Sungjae's head pokes around the door and, no matter how adorable his smile might be, Hyunsik really, really wants to punch something right now. He only sighs though.
"I made toast!" The brunette adds cheerfully, entirely too chipper early in the morning, "See you in the kitchen!"
"Okay." He breathes out, "We'll be there soon."
While Peniel rushes to the bathroom, Hyunsik walks over to the kitchen. There's nothing else left for him to do anyway. When he enters the kitchen, though, he sees that Changsub and Sungjae are already inside.
"Toast's on the table." Changsub points out fairly obviously, mouth full with large bites of it, "In case you were wondering."
"I wasn't," Hyunsik is honest, "But thanks, hyung."
He gets a sleepy nod from the older man, and when he sees how hard Sungjae's working at the stove so early in the morning, even if it is for toasting bread, something in his stomach coils up.
"I'll have just one, thanks." He says, wanting to leave as much for the other members as he possibly can. They're already tired, he can tell, from all that work on their plates. He's lucky he doesn't have much to do anymore.
Everything's fine, for a while. There's a lull in conversation, even as Peniel stumbles in, somehow managing to worm his way first into the shower, to stuff his face into a bowl of that cereal he favors so highly. No, the silence is comfortable, just until Ilhoon walks in, blonde hair still slightly wet from his own shower.
Hyunsik's heart lurches painfully in his chest when he sees the rapper actively avoid his gaze and, taking his cue, he leaves the kitchen, just as Eunkwang's about to walk in.
"Uh, I'll be outside hyung!" He calls when he sees a look of confusion overtaking his leader's features, "I'm waiting for you guys!"
Once he steps outside though, he can finally breathe for a moment, can force back the sickening curl of sadness sitting in his chest. The hallway is dimly lit as always, and he revels in how soothing the darkness is, can only appreciate how helpful it is to make him focus, to gather his emotions.
"Hyunsik-ah...?"
His head snaps up at the voice, eyes fixed in surprise on the male making his way through the narrow corridor to him.
"Ah, manager hyung." He smiles respectfully, and bows his head, though his hand shakes, clenching into a fist behind his back, "The others will be out soon enough."
"Will they?" Their manager asks nonchalantly, and Hyunsik allows himself to relax, just a little bit when there's a long pause, "Did you take my advice from before?"
"Uh, yes hyung." He answers quietly, looking down, "I used a couple of different ones than I did previously."
"Hm." Their manager hums, and Hyunsik's given no warning when the man steps forward, closer to him, weight pressing into him so that the wall digs into his back.
"H-Hyung." His breath stutters when the man's fingers cup the side of his jaw softly, dancing lightly over the smooth skin, "W-Wait--"
"Shush now, Hyunsik-ah." The man says, looking down at him, effectively silencing him, "Hm, yes, your skin looks a lot better now."
"Y-Yes." Hyunsik breathes out shakily, eyes squeezed shut, "I-I just changed around the products a bit."
"Yes, keep listening well to hyung," His fingers thrum condescendingly over Hyunsik's cheek, before his hand pats roughly against it, making his head tilt slightly "Good boy."
The weight leaning on him retreats, and he stumbles forward shakily, heart hammering lightly at his chest. He doesn't need to answer, though, because the door is banged open by none other than Seo Eunkwang himself, who nearly topples out with impatience.
"Let's go kids!" Eunkwang hollers inside, just as he walks up to where Hyunsik is, eyes widening when they take in his appearance, "Yah, are you okay? You're totally pale!"
"Ah, I'm fine hyung." Hyunsik smiles forcedly, catching his manager's cautioning eyes over his leader's head, "I'm just a little tired, is all."
"Hyung will treat you to something amazing!" Eunkwang promises, hand on Hyunsik's shoulder steering him along, "Thank you for being so cooperative, Hyunsikkie, unlike the rest of those monkeys!"
A small smile tugs at his lips at the indignant cries that follow, and he learns to let go of what's just happened.
The entire ride there, though, his hand still shakes.
Except the cold creeping over his heart doesn't go away. And the other members take notice, of course they do, and Hyunsik's too stupid to notice, as always.
It's only his hyungs who decide to take action though, and one day, when the rest of the members are out, he's taken by surprise, legs swept out from under him by an entirely cheerful redhead and a sleepy-eyed hyung who's entirely too childish for his own good. Hyunsik struggles, of course he does, but either he's gotten weaker or they've gotten stronger, because he can't win. He goes limp halfway through the hall, sighing in resignation.
They've caught him.
"We need to talk." Is the first thing Eunkwang says when Hyunsik's roughly dropped onto his bed, mattress dipping under Changsub and Minhyuk's twin weights, "Something's been up with you."
"I'm fine, hyung." Hyunsik tries saying politely, only for Eunkwang's nostrils to flare dramatically. Under normal circumstances, this would be hilarious, but Hyunsik can't find it in him to laugh right now.
"No, you're not." Eunkwang sighs, and the sheer disappointment in his eyes is enough to make Hyunsik's toes curl, "You're not being yourself lately."
"I'm fine, hyung, how many times do I need to keep repeating myself!" He finally snaps out, startling both himself and the three other occupants in the room, "I-I mean..."
"Yah," Changsub hits him lightly on the forehead, making him frown, "Why are you being so withdrawn lately? And why were you searching for face masks the other day?"
"W-Well," Hyunsik relaxes slightly, because the second one's an easy question. "I'm the visual so..."
"Wait." The man frowns in response to that, "What does being a visual have anything to do with this?"
"Whatever." Minhyuk, who's been unusually silent, interrupts, hand landing on Hyunsik's bicep, "Have you not been going to the gym lately or something? Because normally, you'd be able to take all three of us down, easily."
"Wait, what?" Eunkwang's eyes look like they might bulge out any second, and Hyunsik needs to calm him down before this conversation can get any worse.
"Ah, hyung-deul," He says softly, trying to smile, "I'm just trying to take my job as a visual seriously, that's all."
"Explain to me," Eunkwang crosses his arms, just as Minhyuk's hands make their way to Hyunsik's golden blond locks, "How on earth being a visual accounts to not going to the gym and even not playing the keyboard or composing anymore."
Hyunsik winces--he seems to have caught that, of course he did. Of all the things...
"W-Well," He shrugs, voice quivering for the first time, as he's weighed down by their disappointed stares, "I-I mean, visuals are supposed to...supposed to look small and soft and pretty and stuff, a-and I don't l-look like that at all, s-so I'm just trying--"
"Don't." Minhyuk interrupts, strong arms pulling Hyunsik into his chest, hands carding lightly through his hair, "Don't you dare change."
"H-Hyung." He chokes out tightly, eyes stinging at the warmth that he hasn't felt in months, "I'm...I'm sorry."
And he is. He's infinitely sorry that all he's doing is being a burden on them.
"Alright." Changsub's drawing a breath, "This is how it'll go. Minhyuk and you are going to start hitting up the gym from tomorrow. Eunkwang's going to be sitting with you sometimes so that you'll play some music, maybe compose if you're inspired enough. And I'm going to have to take away your face products, because that's going out of control."
"Hyung, no!" Hyunsik protests, tears of frustration finally slipping out, and Eunkwang comes forward, wiping his cheeks carefully, "You don't understand--!"
"There's no such thing as the perfect visual, Hyunsikkie." Eunkwang says quietly, "But to us, you are perfect, visually and characteristically, and don't you ever forget that."
Things go surprisingly easily from there. He goes to the gym again, with Minhyuk, the redhead taunting him all the while. It's honestly scary when he sees himself in the mirror, sees the slow toning of his arms, and he wonders, again and again, if he's doing the right thing. If he's...If he's supposed to trust his hyungs like this.
But when he sees them smile so brilliantly, in what could be months, he decides that nothing's worth more. Not even when Changsub successfully steals all his makeup products and keeps an eye on him in the kitchen so he doesn't overdo it with the natural face masks. Not even when Eunkwang tugs him into the small room allocated for their instruments, not even when he's sat down on his piano stool and asked to play. He, of course, manages to convince Eunkwang that he shouldn't be playing the guitar too often, though he still sometimes needs to do it, so everything is surprisingly okay.
He's...slowly becoming happy again, and he doesn't mind it one bit.
Of course, not everything good lasts. This certainly doesn't.
They're at the studio, doing some last-minute touch-ups for their songs. Hyunsik's one of the first to finish, having barely any lines, so he lounges comfortably on a chair outside the recording room, watching Minhyuk rap furiously into the mic.
Normally, he'd have Ilhoon by his side to cheer him up, to play with him when he gets bored. But Ilhoon isn't here now, he's somewhere else, and Hyunsik needs to learn to deal with it. Just because he needs to learn doesn't mean it's any easier though.
He sighs, frustrated, as his hands rake through his soft blonde locks, just as Minhyuk exits the room, all done.
"Hey, you okay?" The man asks curiously, as Hyunsik nods quickly, "Are you sure?"
"Yes hyung." Hyunsik rolls his eyes lightly, but smiles up at the redhead, "Don't worry about me."
"Don't be stupid." Minhyuk scoffs, "How on earth can I leave you all on your own, huh?"
"You don't need to." Hyunsik shrugs it off easily enough, but a teasing smile still plays at his lips, "I know you love me too much anyway."
"Damn right I do." Minhyuk says instead of sparking up the usual, comfortable banter, and it makes Hyunsik's cheeks grow red, "Aw, you're so cute!"
"Go away hyung." He commands, turning his chair around, only to turn it back and start laughing lightly with the rapper, "Ah, you're so weird."
"Shush you." Minhyuk sticks a tongue out at him cutely, before waving lightly and bounding over to wherever Eunkwang is. Hyunsik can hear their loud voices from where he's sitting and, honestly, he's not even surprised at this point. They're always like that around each other--if he didn't know better, he'd say they're dating.
It's time to leave, soon enough. Hyunsik's really grateful for it--just because he doesn't have much to do doesn't make it any less tiring. It's even more boring having absolutely nothing to do.
On the way to the car, he appears again.
"Hyunsik-ah." Their manager calls, making all of them turn to him, "A word, if you don't mind."
Though his gut stirs uneasily, Hyunsik nods at the rest of their befuddled faces in silent permission for them to go on ahead without him. He sees Sungjae breathe a sigh of relief, undoubtedly tired, and that makes him feel a little better about his decision.
"Yes, hyung?" He asks quietly, only to not receive a verbal answer; instead, their manager turns around, gesturing at Hyunsik to follow him.
They make their way past the bathroom, Hyunsik's stomach churning more and more uncomfortably with each step, when the man stops abruptly, turning around frighteningly fast and backing Hyunsik into the wall with quick, measured steps.
"You..." The man growls out, eyes dark, "You've started going to the gym again, haven't you?"
He can't say anything as his hands are roughly grabbed, inspected for the soft lines of guitar strings marring the soft skin, and the low hum of disappointment has his eyes stinging.
"Even this..." His manager looks sharply at him, hand tracing his cheeks, making Hyunsik's breath rattle in his chest, "Your face doesn't look or feel as smooth as before."
"I-I'm sorry." Hyunsik blurts out, shaking, as the rage in the taller man's eyes grows stronger, "It's...It's just that the hyungs--"
"Don't blame others for your own mistakes, Hyunsik-ah." The man breathes out heavily, hot air hitting the exposed part of Hyunsik's forehead, making him shiver, "This is entirely your fault."
"Even after I told you," The man presses his palms into the wall beside Hyunsik's head, effectively caging him in, "Even after I warned you not to do these things, you still go and fucking mess it up."
"I-I'm sorry." Hyunsik chokes out, tears finally breaking through, streaming slowly down his face as he looks down, "I-I'll try to f-fix myself for you I p-promise!"
"Will you now?" The man roughly grasps his chin, tilting it to the side to inspect his tear-stained cheeks, "Or will you go and make stupid fucking mistakes again?"
"I-I won't." He's shaking, eyes squeezed shut as he feels the rough swipe of a thumb along his cheekbone, "P-Please."
"Alright." The man steps back immediately, and Hyunsik can't support himself on his legs any more, sliding down against the wall, body shuddering, "And don't look so pitiful, it makes you look too beautiful to resist. Now, scram."
He winces when a foot nudges at him, shakily getting up and stumbling away, downstairs. He makes a quick stop at the bathroom on the lower floor first though, to splash his face first. He's tired of everything and, above all, he just...he just wants a break.
He walks out on unsteady feet to the van, clambering in and smiling fakely for the rest of the curious members when they ask him what's up. He lies, the fib coming easily to his tongue, and they're satisfied, settling back into their seats.
He's shivering the entire way home.
The next day, when he's coming back from a late-night workout with Minhyuk hyung, he finds a bottle of BB cream sitting innocently on his bed. He looks around hastily, heart filling with hope once he grabs a hold of it and shoves it under his mattress--and he's just in time too, because the door opens and Peniel walks in tiredly.
"How was your day?" Hyunsik asks casually, just to make sure the younger man hasn't noticed.
"Oh, good." Peniel shrugs nonchalantly, easing his fears, "Sungjae wanted to try out this new restaurant in town, and he wanted company."
"Ah, I see."
"Yeah," Peniel has his back turned to him, as he rummages through his wardrobe for something to wear, "And Ilhoon didn't want to be on his own so I--"
He freezes then, as does Hyunsik, the weight of the name lingering heavily in the air. Hyunsik doesn't spend too long thinking about it though, and quickly moves the conversation along.
"So, was it any good?" He smiles casually, "I might visit it sometime, if that's the case."
"Yeah!" Peniel nods quickly, eager to move on, "You should totally check it out, hyung."
"Alright then." Hyunsik grins lightly, sealing the deal.
Hyunsik's done exceptionally well avoiding Ilhoon for most of the day. Normally, there are members about to distract one or both of them, but today's one of those rare days when everyone else is busy, except them. If this were their normal free times, they'd hang out together, maybe sneak in a couple of movies, but it isn't. Nothing's the same.
Still, Ilhoon's outside right now. Hyunsik's just about to step out as well so that, by the time he's back, Hyunsik will be gone so they won't have to see each other. His heart hurts from doing this, but he doesn't exactly have a choice.
He quickly makes his way out the door, walking down the stairs to reach the main road, from where he'll be able to take a taxi to Peniel's ASC shoot. As luck would have it though, he sees Ilhoon in the downstairs lobby, so he ducks his head and walks forward to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, like stop the rapper.
"Wait."
The simple word has him freezing in his tracks, heart fluttering almost stupidly at the sound of footsteps approaching. A shock of white blond passes by him, and Ilhoon's turning around, so that they're facing each other.
"I-Ilhoon..." Hyunsik starts, only to cut himself off with wide eyes when he feels the warm weight of Ilhoon's arms around his shoulders, as the rapper fiddles with his scarf.
"You're not supposed to wear these like that." Ilhoon frowns, not looking at him as he arranges it properly, "It's embarrassing otherwise."
He doesn't say anything else though, leaving as soon as he's done, but the fact that he spoke to him at all has him smiling for the rest of the day.
The fact is, though, Hyunsik doesn't know how he's supposed to get out of this predicament. He's got the face cream, yes, which he's been using sneakily behind Changsub's back, but that's not enough. He's still going to the gym, and even though he's stopped playing the guitar completely, entertaining Eunkwang with just the keyboard, he knows it's not enough.
But that's the problem. How on earth is he supposed to get out of things?
When he wakes up in the morning, stomach being stabbed with pain, he has his answer. It's uncomfortable, but it recedes easily enough--though his task now is to not alert the others of that fact.
"Ah, hyung." He chokes out that afternoon, when Minhyuk's come inside to call him, no doubt. He squeezes his eyes shut in mock pain, gritting his teeth, "I-It hurts."
"Oh my gosh!" Minhyuk nearly shrieks, eyes wide and face pale, "Do you need a doctor?!"
"N-No, it's fine." He says as tiredly as he can, "I just... I just need to sleep it off, I think."
"You do that." Minhyuk says back, still obviously worried, which makes a pang of guilt go through Hyunsik's chest, "I'll come in and check up on you later, okay?"
He only nods, turning over slightly, face still twisted in mock disruption until the door slams shut. He relaxes then, before a frown overtakes his features. He doesn't like deceiving his hyungs, but he doesn't have a choice. It's for the better, and they wouldn't understand even if he'd try to explain.
This is just that. A necessity.
"Uh, how...you are?" Hyunsik tries, eyebrows furrowed as he bites his lip.
"Ugh hyung," Peniel whines from where he's sitting on the bed, foot coming to lightly nudge at Hyunsik's shin, "It's 'how are you', remember?"
"Ah, right." Hyunsik ducks his head embarrassedly, "Sorry Donggeun-ah, I'll try to remember next time."
"You're usually pretty good at English." Peniel points out, head propped against his arm as he lies down, "What's going on hyung?"
"It must be because I took a long break." Hyunsik clarifies, reaching over to ruffle at the boy's hair lovingly, "I've been preoccupied learning Chinese, but I'll dedicate myself properly now."
"Alright." Peniel smiles easily, head flopping back down, "Do you want to do some more then?"
"Sure, why not?" Hyunsik smiles back, "It'll be fun--"
"KIDS!"
They're spooked by the sudden slam of the door, and Hyunsik can't help the twinge of annoyance that resounds through him when he sees their maknae standing by the doorway.
"Sungjae-yah, you need to stop doing that." He protests, just as Peniel exclaims, in disbelief, how the brunette needs to knock like a normal person.
"Whatever." The brat's still as disrespectful as always, but Hyunsik's lenient on him as always, "We're going out for dinner, so hurry up and get ready."
"Really?" Hyunsik raises his eyebrows in surprise, since Eunkwang's never let them do that during promotions.
"Yeah, our esteemed Leader-nim has finally taken pity on my poor soul!" Sungjae claims, smiling lopsidedly, "I don't feel like cooking today, so we're getting treated. Yeah, you can thank me now."
"Uh, no." Peniel teases, getting up from his bed as Hyunsik watches amusedly, "I'd rather show you something instead."
Sungjae's used enough to this that he's bolting before the sentence even leaves the rapper's mouth, and it doesn't take long for Peniel to chase him. Hyunsik just sits back and chuckles, before he decides he should probably get changed.
He settles for a plain black top and a pair of black skinny jeans, because comfort's more important right now than anything else. He hesitates, before wearing a beanie and a pair of his black hipster glasses and shrugging on a black coat. It's best not to take a risk with these kinds of things.
"Wow, you're dressed up?" Changsub asks with raised eyebrows when Hyunsik finally joins them at the entrance.
"No, hyung." He mumbles petulantly, though a small smile tugs at his mouth, "Are we leaving soon?"
"Yeah, we're just waiting for Manager hyung." Eunkwang overhears, delivering the news that makes Hyunsik's appetite die in one fell swoop, "He should be here soon."
"Ugh, do we really need him?" The protest comes from Ilhoon, surprisingly enough, "There's literally no point of him even being there."
For a brief moment, their eyes meet, and Hyunsik's heart skips a beat, before Ilhoon's looking away, focusing on Eunkwang instead. Their leader's frowning, and shaking his head.
"It's to be on the safe side." He emphasizes, "Management insisted, apparently."
Hyunsik understands, internally, what that means but he ignores it. It's strange though; he used to be the one meeting with management instead of Eunkwang...when did that change?
"Fine." His focus drifts back to the conversation when Ilhoon frowns, crossing his arms petulantly, "We're not responsible adults, after all."
Hyunsik doesn't want to point out that their group is the furthest from responsible. Well, he wants to, but he's not sure how well it would go down with their main rapper, since he already looks to be in a sour mood.
He looks away from the blonde when he sees Sungjae coming to poke at his side, and a part of Hyunsik wonders when it'll be okay for them to smile together again.
They eventually make it to the restaurant--really, nothing too special. It's a typical roadside joint, but it's apparently new, so Hyunsik doesn't protest. It's nice to feel normal for once.
"As your leader, I'm supposed to warn you guys of your boundaries" Eunkwang says seriously, hands on his hips, before a smile is brought out, so big it could nearly crack his face, "But what I really want to say is... ENJOY YOURSELVES, KIDS! IT'S ON MANAGER HYUNG TODAY!"
There's a resulting uproar from the larger part of the group, and Changsub's already grinning crazily at Sungjae. Hyunsik can't help his own smile from breaking through, and he laughs silently, eyes crinkling in amusement.
They really do go crazy that day. There's no limit on how much meat they've ordered--usually beef--but Hyunsik takes pity on their manager and limits himself to mostly chicken. It doesn't take long for the Soju to be brought out, and even less time for the bottles to empty, and is it really a surprise that Eunkwang's the first one out?
Hyunsik giggles quietly to himself when he sees the man drape himself over Minhyuk's back, sloppily smothering his neck with kisses. It' sort of obvious that the two have a thing for each other at this point, and Hyunsik can't help but find it adorable.
"Y-Yah," He looks slowly to his left, seeing Changsub smiling lopsidedly at him, "H-Have I e-ever told you how much...I l-love you?"
He hiccups after that, giggling at the sound himself, and winds his arms around Hyunsik's broad shoulders, making him go slightly pink.
"Hyung, you're drunk." He complains, but secretly enjoys the warmth because it's been so long since anyone's properly hugged him, "We should head home, huh?"
He's a little drunk to, but that's okay, as the two of them manage to stand up, swaying just a bit on their feet, before stumbling out of the place. Hyunsik's lucky he hasn't drunk more, since he's a reputed lightweight and so, he's entirely willing for Changsub to rest his entire body weight on him.
"Y-Yah, Hyunsik-ah..." They stop for a little break on the way back to their dorms, because Hyunsik's a little tired from having to drag Changsub back, "W-Why are you like this, Hyunsikkie?"
He can't help the confusion from leaking through as he turns to face his hyung, "What's wrong?"
"Y-You!" A finger is pointed harshly in his direction, before softly poking at his chest, "Y-You're always so... sad!"
Changsub's eyes look strangely coherent for a second, and Hyunsik can swear he sees a sad glimmer in that bright face. It makes him feel weird.
"You...you used to smile like this!" Changsub smiles crazily, in demonstration, and Hyunsik would laugh, but he can't, "But....but now, you're like this!"
Here, Changsub's smile dims, looking almost painful, and Hyunsik's heart lurches.
"I'm fine, hyung." He soothes hastily, seeing Changsub's lip quiver and really, he can't deal with this, "Let's...let's get home, huh?"
He manages to get Changsub to stand up, and they start making their way home. The entire time though, Changsub's sad voice is circulating in his head, driving him insane.
"Stop pretending for our sake."
Everything reaches its culmination the next day.
Hyunsik's spared from the looming hangover because he didn't drink that much last night, though he can't say the same for the others. When he's waiting to use the bathroom, to brush his teeth, he can hear someone gagging from the other side, and he wrinkles his nose in a mix of distaste and sympathy for whoever it is inside.
"Ah, Hyunsik-ah." He sees Minhyuk padding sleepily towards him, "You couldn't sleep?"
"Well, no." Hyunsik admits freely, noting how Minhyuk's eyes are shadowed, "Are you okay, hyung?"
"Yeah, don't worry." Minhyuk brushes the concern off, shrugging, "My head hurts a bit, but it's not serious like Eunkwanggie in there."
"That's him?" Hyunsik can't help but feel pity for their leader, "He might have wanted to de-stress or something."
"Makes sense why he wanted us to enjoy ourselves yesterday." Minhyuk chuckles agreeably and, almost on cue, the door opens and their pale leader stumbles out.
"Why are you guys so loud?" The man groans, and Hyunsik can't help but smile cheekily at him.
"Do you want to go lie down?" Minhyuk asks quietly, only for Eunkwang to double over in pain, slapping his hands to his ears, "SHIT I'M SO SORRY!"
Of course, the screamed apology only makes it worse and Hyunsik pokes Minhyuk in a signal to preferably stop talking.
"I'll take hyung away." He whispers silently to Minhyuk, "You go in and finish your business, meanwhile."
The others are no better, and Changsub's bemoaning his life by the time Hyunsik makes it to the kitchen, freshly showered. He smiles sympathetically at the vocal, taking a seat across him.
"Hyunsikkie..." Changsub croaks out, eyes just cracking open, "My head hurts!"
"There there," Hyunsik cards his hands gently through the man's curly black locks like he knows he's expected to, and tries not to smile at the resulting hum of contentment, "Sungjae's making his famous cure for you, hyung."
Sungjae nods sleepily from where he's crouched over the stove, eyes just as droopy as the rest of theirs, and Hyunsik has this brief moment of guilt for making the maknae work so hard.
"Should I help?" He offers quietly, and Sungjae just waves him off.
"No, it's okay." He speaks informally, as always, and Hyunsik doesn't bother correcting him, as always.
It's just then that Ilhoon walks inside, and Hyunsik stiffens when the seat next to him is occupied.
"Relax, hyung." Ilhoon mutters tiredly, propping his head in his hands, "I won't bite."
Hyunsik turns to fully face him, unable to believe, to comprehend, that Ilhoon is actually speaking to him, what? And that's when he notices a plum purple marring the corner of the rapper's kittenish lips, and his heart nearly drops in his chest. The mark stretching across a side of the rapper's pale cheeks makes his eyes widen, and Hyunsik turns fully.
"What happened to your face?" Hyunsik demands, words stumbling over each other in their rush, "Ilhoon-ah--"
"It doesn't matter." His tone is cold, making Hyunsik's mouth part in surprise and snap shut, "Lay off."
"What's going on?" Sungjae turns around, finally, before his eyes fly open and he gapes uselessly at the rapper, "HYUNG WHAT IS THAT?!"
"Stop screaming!" Changsub curls into himself, whimpering at the sudden boom in volume, "Please. Ugh, this is why I don't drink."
"Sorry." Sungjae looks a little abashed, though a little grin still plays at his lips, "So whose girlfriend did you cheat with?"
"Shut up." Ilhoon crosses his arms, making it clear that he wouldn't talk about it anymore, and Sungjae isn't perturbed, only humming happily at the air as he turns back to work on a hangover cure for the rest of their hyungs.
Hyunsik just turns back to the countertop, closing his eyes as he rests his head on its surface. If this were any other time, Ilhoon would pet his head all indulgently. He smiles lightly, vividly imagining the slender fingers dragging lightly against his scalp, and his eyes fly open when he realizes they're real.
Ilhoon's arm is outstretched and he's looking away, but Hyunsik can still see the corners of his mouth lifting up just slightly.
Hyunsik smiles too.
It's around after lunch that the doorbell rings.
"Can someone get that?" Minhyuk says lazily, from where he's sprawled on the couch. They're all curled up around the sofa for a movie marathon--a final one, before promotions begin. Hyunsik's f the only one, besides Sungjae, who's been pushed to sit on the floor, resting comfortably against Peniel's legs.
"Hyunsik gets to go!" Sungjae calls cleverly, knowing it has to be one of them who'll be called on, "Sorry, not sorry."
"Aish, you little brat." Hyunsik teases cheerfully, but gets up. The movie's boring anyway. "I'll be right back."
"Take your time." Changsub hollers cheekily from his corner seat, "More popcorn for myself!"
Quiet chuckles follow him to the door, and Hyunsik briefly wonders who it could be. Regardless, he cracks the door open just a smidge, since it doesn't have a peephole, to be on the safe side.
The door is pushed against him, all the way open, and Hyunsik stumbles back in shock to see their manager glaring at him. That's not the shocking part though; no, it's the deep bruises bottling the man's skin, and has everyone been getting into fights recently?
"Get outside." The voice is calm, but it still makes something inside Hyunsik quake, "We need to talk, Hyunsik-ah."
He steps outside, head lowered even though he doesn't know why, door closing quietly behind him. He doesn't have time to react when a hand twists into his blonde locks, tugging and pinning him easily to the wall. It stings, and throbs. Hyunsik could fight back, but something in him cowers at the thought.
"You..." The man hisses, roughly grabbing at his face and, helplessly, he lets him, "You little snitch."
The term has his eyes widening in surprise, and he shakily meets their manager's gaze.
"W-What?" He breathes out, hyperaware of the rage underlying the taller man's breathing, "W-what do you m-mean--"
"Don't fucking play innocent with me, you little bitch." The derogatory address makes him flinch back into the wall, "You're talked to Jung Ilhoon, didn't you, you dirty--"
"N-No." Hyunsik winces when the grips on his chin and shoulder grow tighter, more bruising, "I-I don't know--!"
He freezes then, mind processing what was just said. It all makes sense now, the bruise on Ilhoon's face matching their manager's.
"Now you realize?" His tone is scarily soft, and Hyunsik closes his eyes in dread, wincing when twin thumbs press circles into his cheeks, "Hyunsikkie, what was one of the first rules I told you?"
"T-That," Hyunsik's voice cracks, and he tries to keep his tears at bay, "T-That I shouldn't tell a-anyone about your ad-advice."
"And why was that, sweetheart?"
"B-Because it was...it was special, for m-me."
"That's right." The man roughly pats his cheek, "But you had to go and tell, didn't you?"
"I-I'm sorry." The apology leaves his lips even when his mind knows he hasn't done anything wrong, but why is this happening, "H-Hyung, p-please don't--"
"You think you don't deserve to be punished?" Hyunsik can't speak as his head is roughly pushed into the wall, making it dig little scars into the side of his face, "I gave you enough opportunities. You're supposed to be my perfect little doll, but you can't even do that right, can you?"
That phrase makes him freeze. He's never heard that before, but it grows startlingly clear, then, as Hyunsik realizes that's exactly what's been happening.
"I should show you what happens to disobedient puppets right here." The man hisses, pushing even closer, and it feels suffocating, go away please, "Shouldn't I--"
There's a creak as the door swings open, and Eunkwang comes sauntering out, rubbing at his eyes.
"Yah, Hyunsik, what's taking you so--" Eunkwang's eyes fly open as the scene registers in his head, and the resulting fury that etches itself onto his face has Hyunsik tearing up, "Y-Yah... YOU BASTARD!"
Their manager quickly steps back at the sight of his enraged face, and Hyunsik can't help himself anymore, sliding down the wall as his trembling legs can't take his weight any longer.
"N-Now, Eunkwang-ssi," The man begins nervously, and it sounds so foreign to his ears that Hyunsik can't believe it, "J-Just calm down and--"
"CALM DOWN?!" Eunkwang nearly screeches, and the commotion has Minhyuk running outside, just to hold him back from launching at the man, "YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN WHEN YOU....YOU BASTARD!"
The name calling is getting a bit repetitive, but the loudness of it has Hyunsik trying to make himself smaller, trying to blend himself into the wall. Minhyuk's gaze drifts to him, and he sees those cocoa eyes widen in surprise.
"Y-Yah, yah, Im Hyunsik!" His gaze drifts slowly to Changsub, whose hands are roughly shaking at his shoulders, "Focus, I just need you to breathe with me."
Oh, that's why his vision's getting blurry. Hyunsik chokes lightly, but tries to match Changsub's breathing, chest heaving with effort. As his sight gets clearer, so do the worried faces of the other members, and Sungjae's wasting no time in wrapping an arm around his waist and helping him stand.
"Shit, what's happening?" Peniel's eyes are wide, as he looks somewhere behind Hyunsik, "Ilhoon and Eunkwang hyung are going crazy!"
"Shit!" Changsub swears, uncharacteristically, running towards the scene, "Take him inside, guys!"
Sungjae and Peniel luckily don't ask any questions as the three of them sit on the couch. Peniel's wrapped a blanket around Hyunsik, and despite how much he wants to, he doesn't tell the kid that it's entirely unnecessary. From behind him, Hyunsik sees Sungjae's mouth repeatedly opening and closing, obviously dying of curiosity, and he sighs.
"This is all my fault." The words that slip out aren't the ones he wants to say, "Sorry for ruining the movie."
"It was a dumb movie anyway." Sungjae says quickly, waving it off, "That's why we shouldn't let Minhyuk hyung choose the movie anyway."
"I liked it." Peniel says to himself, almost childishly, and it makes Sungjae's cheeks color red.
"Hm, yeah." Hyunsik says quietly as he stares silently at the blank TV screen in front of them. His mind still spins dizzyingly, the man's previous words circulating through it, unforgotten. The thought of it sends chills down Hyunsik's spine, and the truth of it makes him shiver.
They're saved from an awkward silence by the tell-tale creak of the door's hinges, as the rest of their hyungs (and Ilhoon) traipse in, obviously tired. Hyunsik can't help the guilt coursing through him at the sight of their tired, drawn faces, but doesn't--no, can't--say anything as they sit down around him.
"Hyunsik..." Eunkwang starts heavily, garnering his attention, "I understand that you might not want to talk about it, but... can you tell us what was going on?"
Hyunsik trembles lightly, remembering the cold touches, the soft brush of fingers against his skin. He nods anyway.
"I-I..." He doesn't know where to start, and some part of him feels terrified of letting everything out. Ilhoon seems to understand, though (he always does) because he's pushing Sungjae lightly to the side and settling next to him, hand warm at the nape of his neck.
"From the beginning, hyung."
He sees Peniel's surprised expression from the corner of his eye, knowing he's the only one who didn't already know about Ilhoon's sudden shift in personality. He tries to pay it no mind though, and closes his eyes. It's quiet and tense, an unusual occurrence in their dorms, as he prepares to speak.
"It... started six months ago, roughly." Hyunsik says into the silence, eyes still firmly shut, "Manager hyung was two months into his job, I think. I don't know why, but he started asking me a lot about... about my routines? Like, what I did in my free time, and what I liked to watch or read... stuff like that."
He shrugs, feeling Ilhoon's grip on his thigh tighten marginally, "And I liked it, at first. It was nice, talking to someone like that, treated normally, but..."
He swallows dryly, trying to push down the lump in his throat, "But he... he got scary."
He continues to speak meekly, eyes closed the entire time. He tells them how the man began to grow more obsessed with him, how he used to try to control everything Hyunsik did. He tells them how, the first time Hyunsik didn't listen to him, the bruises on his abdomen lasted for days on end. He tells them how he's been wanting to tell them about it but how, each time he's gotten 'advice', something in him has kept him from doing that. He tells them about his terrifying realization out there in the corridor today.
And, as he recounts each and every moment, a part of him feels like it's shattering, slowly, about to bend and snap for good. He doesn't realize he's trembling until there are hands cupping his face roughly, cool and soft. Minhyuk's hands.
"H-Hyunsikkie." The redhead chokes out, tears in his eyes mirroring Hyunsik's, "Hyung is so sorry!"
He isn't given time to react as he's tugged into a crushing hug, but he relaxes into it, hiding his wet cheeks in the crook of the man's shoulder. He can feel Ilhoon's hug from the back, and there's no stopping the strangled, aching sobs from leaving his throat, from tearing through his lips.
It soon becomes a doggy pile, with an apologetic Eunkwang at the very top, and even though he has misty eyes, Hyunsik smiles in relief. They're always going to be here for him, aren't they?
It makes sense that there's a burning anger pumping through everyone's veins. Hyunsik's no fool; he knows how protective everyone is of each other, how protective he is of every one of them. It still makes a warmth shoot through him, though, the thought confirmed.
It's surprising, however, that Eunkwang, of all people, is the most furious of them all. The man, for the next few days, is continuously on the phone with management, talking in angered, hushed tones. He also frequently mutters about it in the randomest places, like in the bathroom while brushing his teeth, cursing their previous manager in the most creative of ways.
Minhyuk's also kind of the same, except scarier. Hyunsik's caught him curling his fists once as he's muttered, almost in a reflection of a chokehold, and he's glad the redhead hasn't gotten the chance to actually do anything about it.
Changsub has become a thousand times more protective of all the younger members, not just Hyunsik. Still, he keeps an eye on him, making sure he eats more healthily, and enlists Sungjae's help very frequently in entertaining him. It's like babying, but Hyunsik can't find it in him to protest.
Peniel's supportive, though more quiet. He talks to Hyunsik all the time, through the night if necessary, foregoing his own sleep just so Hyunsik can get his. It makes him feel bad, as the hyung, but Peniel assures him it's okay, that he's happy doing it. More often than not, they end up sharing the bed, but neither one of them protests to it.
With Sungjae, it's different. Initially, the maknae avoids teasing him, almost tiptoeing around him, and it makes Hyunsik feel terrible. He's... he's not a bomb about blow up. He's still him. Eventually, Hyunsik confronts him about it, trying to make it clear that he only feels worse if Sungjae isn't himself. From then, they've taken small baby steps toward restoring the cheerful banter they once had.
With Ilhoon...well, Ilhoon takes a completely different path than what Hyunsik has expected. It all really starts with Hyunsik himself, with an inquiry that sets the two of them on the edge.
"How did you know about everything?" Hyunsik sits the rapper down, noting carefully how the other blonde's busied himself looking everywhere else, "The face wash on the bed... that was you, wasn't it?"
"Maybe." Ilhoon still doesn't look up at him, and Hyunsik feels like there's a strange tone underlying that cold word.
"Hoonie," He tries again, hand unconsciously reaching out to settle on the rapper's knee, "Please, I need to know."
"Why?" The rapper sighs, finally, looking up and Hyunsik's surprised to find a strange mix of hatred and sadness in his eyes, "It makes no difference."
Guilt. That's what that tone is, but Hyunsik has no idea for what.
"It does to me." He breathes heavily through his nose, before smiling lightly at his long-time friend, "Thanks."
"What the fuck's wrong with you?!" Ilhoon finally explodes, launching to his feet. It startles Hyunsik enough to send his eyes flying open, and he stares confusedly at the rapper.
"What are you taking about?" He asks instead, raising an eyebrow.
"I avoided you." Ilhoon says, with startling clarity, and Hyunsik can't help the stabbing pain at the reminder of those few months, "I avoided you like crazy, and even when I figured out what was happening, I couldn't step forward!"
Hyunsik just listens, mouth pressed into a line. His hands fist into his lounge pants.
"Don't you get it, hyung?" Ilhoon's stepping forward, eyes dark and with a glint he can't recognize, "I'm not good for you."
That's all the warning he gets when thin lips are pressing against his, soft and firm. His brain short-circuits then, trying to process what's happening, and it's only when he sees Ilhoon step back that his mind whirs back to life.
"Do you get it now?" The blonde chuckles sadly, biting his lip, "You're literal sunshine, and I'm just a cloud that blocks all of you out. It's for the best if this never happened."
It takes a while for the words to register, but Hyunsik lurches forward when they do, hands pressing gently into Ilhoon's hips, shaking like they never want to let go.
"I think...." He breathes into the silence of the room, "I think that's for me to decide."
He returns the favor, mouth slotting against surprised kitten lips, and kissing them with fervor. He's dreaming, he's got to be, but when he pulls back, he hasn't woken up and Ilhoon's still there. He hasn't woken up, but he's content to live in this dream forever if it means seeing that brilliant smile again and again.
"Let's try, please?" He asks desperately, eyes fixed onto those dark, expressive ones, "Please."
Ilhoon doesn't kiss him this time, eyes flickering with uncertainty, before he melts into Hyunsik's embrace.
"Let's try."
Eunkwang eventually wins the battle, cutting off their manager and even managing to convince upper management to somehow blacklist the man.
"He could just do it again, to someone else." Hyunsik says, eyes troubled, "I don't... I don't want someone else to suffer too, even..."
His hands clench into fists.
"Even if they don't realize it."
The group still manages to promote their new song successfully, even with a completely new manager. The hyung line still gets triggered easily, though.
"SUNGJAE!" Changsub yells, catching their maknae by the waist dramatically, before glaring at his coordi noona spitefully, "You. How dare you touch him?!"
"She's just checking my measurements!" Sungjae yelps over the woman's terrified explanation, "Aish, seriously!"
Still, they're all getting better. Hyunsik initially had a little trouble with their new manager, fear still rooted deep in him, but the man is nice enough, never sticking around the members too long with the knowledge that all of them are a little sensitive.
Ilhoon's not avoiding him again, though, with things working out surprisingly well. They have their spats, of course they do, but they've managed to get over each one with ease. Hyunsik....Hyunsik's just really glad, and really lucky, that his members found him that day. That he didn't have to hide any longer, that he didn't end up breaking in those hands.
He still dreams about it, the what ifs still running through his head, but they're going away, inch by tiny inch. He's got things to distract him, and he's taking up composing again, just to help get along. Ilhoon sits with him sometimes, and they tinker with melodies and lyrics like nothing's ever gone wrong.
It's these small moments in life that make Hyunsik smile brightly, brighter than he ever remembers, and he doesn't know how he's managed without them for so long. It doesn't matter though, not anymore.
Everything's not perfect yet, but it will be, and that's a hope Hyunsik won't let go of.