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Sirius is not a conman, or so he tells himself (it’s a lie, he totally is, when he wants to be, and this con is working out beautifully), but Remus is in fact sitting at his dining table and his dad is in fact sitting across the table from Remus and his mother is sitting at the head of the table and Regulus is glaring at Sirius and occasionally kicking his shin.
So there’s that, and if his parents were surprised to discover that Remus was in fact, not a girl, they did not say a pip (that’s also a lie, his mother threw a tantrum and his dad locked her away in a cupboard until she finished, but his dad had in fact not said a word, only shaken Remus’ hand and left the boys to stand there awkwardly while Sirius’ mum screamed herself hoarse in the cupboard). Regulus had just sighed and given Sirius a look that said “I told you so”. Sirius ignored him.
The fun part was only really about to begin, which was the beautiful part. It was a risky game and Sirius had no expectations of living through it. If he was lucky, he might not be beheaded until after the whole thing had blown over, if he was not, well. Okay. He could live with that. (Or not. He sniggered.)
Some background information is required, and it is this. Sirius and Remus are not only flamingly homosexual, they are hardcore kinksters (Sirius’ words, Remus only shakes his head and butters more toast or sips more tea, depending on the location and time of day. Occasionally he will just give Sirius a look and continue where he left off - this usually involves one or more of Sirius’ body parts, a bed and a silencing charm).
And because Sirius is (not) a conman, he trained Remus (like a dog, but again, Remus will just unperturbedly write his essay on Mercury in retrograde) and he did it so well that Remus didn’t even notice he’d become the subbiest sub to Sirius (this is a particularly delusional lie; the only sub here is Sirius and the real con is that Remus lets Sirius think he’s the boss of him), which again means that whenever Sirius prompts him, Remus does. Just does. He doesn’t use this power for nefarious purposes, of course, even though there was that one time he made Remus break into McGonagall’s chambers and steal a pair of her underwear; this never happened again because Sirius was too embarassed to admit that it turned him on something bad. Back to the point. Daddy!kink.
Okay, so. Daddy!kink. Sirius has trained Remus so exceptionally well that Remus now responds to all of the following: Remus (duh), Moony (duh), cuddlebaby (ONLY IN PRIVATE OKAY), pup, slave (DON’T TELL JAMES THE REAL MEANING OF THIS EVER, OK) and daddy (ONLY IN PRIVATE MERLIN FUCK). The slave one took some work, to be honest, and Sirius doesn’t actually use it much because it gets kind of really boring after a while (and also, Sirius is pretty tired of Lily giving him the stinkeye whenever he refers to Remus as his slave, and he doesn’t exactly feel like explaining to her that it has nothing to do with homework (only sometimes)).
But the daddy one, he’s proud of that. He’s particularly proud of the way it makes Remus’ cheeks, neck and chest turn bright red, and the way it makes Remus’ breath hitch just that way, and especially how it makes him so close that he’s mad for it. He’s also extremely smug about the way Remus’ shifts in his chair when Sirius whispers “daddy" into his ear in class, the way he sucks in a sharp breath when he sends him notes that read "daddy can I suck your cock please daddy I’ve been a good boy”, and he’s especially smug every time James sends him a suspicious look because James, you know nothing. Yup, Sirius is very proud of that one.
Back to dinner and the con which not-a-conman!Sirius is currently pulling off.
He waits until a particularly quiet lull in the conversation (what conversation) and then he clears his throat and says, “Daddy, can you please pass the salt?”
Even if Sirius has never called his father daddy (it’s always dad, sometimes father), two things happen simultaneously and Sirius nearly creams himself with glee.
His dad and Remus both reach for the salt.
Their hands pause in midair, mere inches from the salt shaker, as they realise what is happening. They look at each other. Sirius is trying very hard not to combust. He’s played a lot of poker, he can do this.
Remus turns red.
Sirius’ father’s face fills with horror.
Sirius’ mother opens her mouth and it is only a matter of seconds before she’ll start screaming.
Regulus is the only one who continues eating as if nothing has happened.
"Was it something I said?" Sirius asks innocently and his father’s eyes turn on him.
"SCUM! STAIN ON THE FAMILY! SEXUAL DEVIANT! FILTHY COCKSUCKING SON OF A -"
"I don’t think you’ll want to finish that sentence, mum," Regulus says loudly and then excuses himself from the table.