Archive of Our Own ^beta

Age 9

I felt the sun brush my cheeks, I felt the grass around my legs, but I also felt the joy when Daniel laughed.

"Come on Philip! Help me! You know I can't climb this tree!" His voice thick and laced with layers of what he called 'an articulate' voice.

Daniel was funny.

I always wondered were he got these funny words. He sounded so much like an adult! I always felt stupid when he said those tricky words.
They  slipped off his tongue effortlessly.

"But you've got to! That meanie PJ said I was stupid! If you don't climb it, he'll make fun of you too!" I shouted back, mildly concerned. That boy PJ,  what a weird name, said I was stupid for not climbing the tree, I couldn't let this happen to Daniel!

"That's completely ridiculous! What sort of absurd words are coming out of his mouth? Climbing a tree has nothing to do with your intelligence, if anything the tree-climbing makes you look like a rabid animal."
The flawless words rolled of his tongue, I was ashamed to say I didn't understand a few words he said.

I didn't understand, Daniel was younger than me, but yet he seemed so much more mature.

I didn't understand.

Age 15

I learned, as years went by, that not understanding may not be a bad thing.

I may not understand, but I knew what I knew, and what I knew I cherished. And there was no one I knew better but Daniel.

We were best friends for sure, together for ever. At least we hoped.

"What do you want to be when you grow up Daniel?" I asked cheerfully looking up at the clear sky. The clouds drifted peacefully like my mind.

"That's a silly question." He concluded in a second. I swarmed my eyes at him questioningly.

"How so?"

"Because we can't choose, obviously." He answered back without a second thought.
I stared at him, still not understanding. But that didn't matter, he always explained everything.

"Look at it this way Philip, every man we know on this farm has become a farmer, a forger or a beggar. Obviously let's try avoid the begging, you are too clumsy to forge and I too impatient to do so. Only option is to farm, which may be tedious but the only way we'll survive. Not to mention we have to get ourselves wives who shall continue our linage for years to come."

I listened, I listened through it all. And I understood, but I didn't agree.

"I didn't think we were going to farm till the rest of our lives. I thought once people considered us mature we could go into the world and explore!" I emphasized while swinging my arms around happily. He only chuckled sadly closing his eyes, sighing.

But something was bothering him.

"I want to be a writer." He blurted out quickly, not quite like his usual sarcastic, deep, but composed self.

He seemed nervous. I knew he didn't have to be.

"That's so beautiful! I bet you could learn to write wonderful stories, songs, and all that!" I didn't know how to write and read like Daniel, so I knew little about literature. His extensive knowledge made up for it.

His eyes snapped open in surprise.
I smiled widely, it was obvious he had gotten bad answers from his father on this idea. Hopefully the smile would soothe him.

"You always know what to say Philip." He chuckled.

I beamed at him, happy to make him smile.

I understood.

Age 18

Turns out we would never have the freedom to explore our choices in the outside world.
Daniel was right, we would forever be farmers.

I only realised this after many years without any progress. Daniel couldn't go to any smart learning place, and I couldn't become an entertainer. It had always been my secret dream, to make people laugh, just like I made Daniel laugh.

"You have a beautiful laugh Daniel."

"You have a wonderful and quite flattering smile Philip."

Of course he used more words to gloat.

I expected nothing less.

"I love your hair Daniel."

"I love your mesmerising light blue eyes with specks of lovely brown and  flawless green Philip."

He grinned at me, his eyes lit up.
I shook my head while laughing, my happiness soaring.

I leaned closer, I didn't understand why, but I knew that something in my heart was pulling me closer.

He leaned in too, his expression soft. I didn't understand, but I knew he felt the tug too.

Our lips met slowly, my heart pumped happily, my stomach felt the endearing sensation of the 'butterflies'. 

I didn't understand, but I horrifyingly knew, this was something you were supposed to feel when a girl kissed you. Not a boy.

But I also knew I loved Daniel, and he loved me too.

He put his hands slowly around my neck, gently, as if trying to preserve me.

I slithered my arms around his waist, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss.

His lips were chapped, mine were too, but the love never faded.

"I love you, Daniel."

"I love you, Philip."

"No smart words to describe your love?" I pouted falsely, making it quite obvious I was just acting.

"There are no special words to describe my love for you Philip." He smiled honestly.

"Show me the love then." I said, leaning on him. "Actions speak louder than words."

He pressed our lips together once more, I didn't understand it, because I knew.

I knew I loved him.

Age 20

Fear was what curled in my soul.
Agony was what I felt from what I saw.
Desperation was what told me to find Daniel.

I ran to his house which stood alone next to the crop field.

I knocked hurriedly, desperately.

I was scared. No, I was terrified.

He opened the doors flashing me a charming smile, until he noticed my shaken figure.

His smile dropped just as I dropped into his arms.

He curled them around me after making sure to close the doors.

"What is wrong Philip?" He asked me softly, his breath tingling on my ear.

"I."

"There is nothing wrong with you, don't speak nonsense." He hugged me tighter. "You are wonderful."

"I am wrong Daniel." I whispered, if he wasn't so close, he probably wouldn't have heard.

"We are."

My words seemed to visibly tense him. He cupped my face, his eyes obviously hurt

"Why?"

Such a simple question, but I didn't understand the answer either. But I thought, that maybe, I knew it.

"The priest, h-he... the two boys... h-he..." I couldn't say it. My mind was boggled, storms of thoughts clashed together in a jumbled mess.
Tears slid down my face.

"Shhhh...." It was Daniel. He was obviously upset, but yet there for me.

At least he could get an answer. And than, maybe I could understand.

"The p-priest took th-the two boys, Chr-Christopher and meanie PJ. The-they, they got caught.." I choked back a sob, burrowing my face into Daniel's chest. "They got caught Da-Daniel,  doing thi-things what the priest said only a-a man and  a woman could. He-he said it was wrong. That the-they were going t-to pay for their sin-sins." I sniffled my nose. "They d-did pay for the-them." I whispered so quietly.

I looked at him looking for answers, looking for understanding.
His expression was a one of concern and love.

"Daniel are we, .... are we wrong?" I asked quietly.

He shook his head chuckling.

"No, no Philip. What is wrong is their opinion."

He connected our lips gently, and what I felt was right. He was right.

I understood.

Age 22

A great war broke out. We didn't understand what was happening, we didn't know what was happening.

But we knew every young lad had been recruited in the army.

We didn't want to go. We were weak and inexperienced. How we're we supposed to fight?

Daniel was a farmer with passion for literature, snarky sarcasm and a deep philosophy of the meaning for life.

I was a clumsy farmer with a cheerful smile, never ending dancing lights in my eyes and love for plants

We definitely weren't fit for the army.

But we had no choice.

Age 23

A year in the army had been horrible. People falling left and right. I was starting to lose my cheerful smile.

Daniel made it his personal challenge to keep me happy, smiling and joyous.

I made sure he read me his poetry before sleep. I felt bad he could never fulfil his dream,  but I could at least enjoy the beautiful words he spoke.

As we stood on watch, with hundred other soldiers, I whispered to him:

"I think your hair is cute today."

"Don't lie, it's always ridiculous."

I giggled. He rolled his eyes.
The other soldiers didn't even notice.

But we all noticed the attack.

I had never been so scared.

I looked over at Daniel, but he was already up and fighting. His face never once dropping the expression of horror.

And when I say never, I mean never.

Because when I watched the way he fell down to the ground, lifelessly toppling without a care. I didn't even look what made him fall.

I didn't understand it either, but I knew one thing for sure.

I was never going see or hear him again.

Just as his head hit the rocks on the floor, blood running into a little river, I hid.

I shook, I shivered, I cried his name, I sobbed.

"Daniel.. Dan-Daniel...." My words whimpered pathetically. For a second, I expected him to come over to me. Hug me slowly, kiss my forehead, mumble a few smart words to soothe me and than kiss me on the lips.

Our eyes would meet and I would grin up at him thankfully. He'd grin back, we'd laugh while praying in the rows for dear life.

That's what we did this entire year.

Something went wrong I guess, I wondered, if I was the one that was wrong.

I didn't understand.

But I knew I couldn't continue living happily without him.

Age 24

Somehow I survived a few more clashes, at one I got injured. I didn't care though. They might as well let me die on the field like he did.

I lied in an uncomfortable hospital bed. My leg and my arm bandaged carelessly.

I didn't care though.

I stared into the dirty ceiling. My expression was dazed, lost.... confused. And that's how I felt.

Without Daniel I didn't know what to do. I felt like crying my life out, but I had already spent so many nights doing just so.

I was too tired to feel, which is why I used all my energy in loving him.

I didn't want to use my last power I had on hating the ones that killed him.
On annoyingly cursing the nurse for not healing me properly.
On disliking the priest for killing those two boys because they loved each other.
On remembering what I saw on the field.

No, I wanted to use it on loving him.

I whimpered, tears stinging my eyes, I knew why.

It wasn't the same without him.

I felt quilt. Guilty that he could never achieve his dream. Never grow old. Never live life to it's fullest. Never travel around and write beautiful poetry.

Guilty for not helping him that day.

I did not understand.