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Once upon a time, Austin was frolicking through the meadows. He had been feeling quite lonely lately, and he wanted to find a new friend. He didn’t have any friends and wanted to know what having one would be like. So, really, he wasn’t frolicking, a term which has a more positive and upbeat connotation, he was moping while power-walking to maximize his experience and travel. He couldn’t stand going slowly, but he was too wimpy to jog. Maybe some friendly elves or wood sprites would be willing to pass the time with him. He just had to search hard enough.
He was sad. There were a lot of insects and plants, but whenever he tried to speak with them, they either ignored him or buzzed around angrily. The wasps stung him, and the grass cut his lips when he bent down to whisper to them. Their words would have stung his heart more, though, if they were to ever respond.
He spotted a spotted red bug on the ground. He couldn’t tell if it was male or female, but it looked more like a lady bug than a man bug. It crawled delicately across a blade of grass.
Austin couldn’t resist kneeling down slowly to speak with it. It had such an enchanting aura that it drew him in. He whispered, “How are you, ma’am?” Maybe his gentle approach would get him somewhere. Experimenting and science and all.
The insect jumped up, flying around his head spastically. “How dare you assume my gender like that!” Its voice was surprisingly masculine. Now Austin assumed he should assume it was not a lady bug.
A single tear rolled down Austin’s face as the actually-man bug flew off, and he sighed. He laid his head on the ground for a moment, but a large gust of wind picked up, blowing the grass directly into his face. “Ow!” He yelped. His voice was the opposite of the man bug’s masculine tone.
No. He couldn’t give up. He still wanted to find a companion. One friendly interaction would make up for all of the negative ones he’d come across on this journey. Theoretically. Of course, if Austin had never tried to find happiness, he wouldn’t be in this position, and it would be the same result as good cancelling bad in the end. He took this as a note not to take any risks or leave his house again in the future, but for now, he was trapped searching for someone to make this trip worthwhile.
Austin pushed himself up slowly. The grass and weeds scratched at his palms, but he mustered the strength to stand strong (or weak, really, but you get the idea) again. He stepped forward. He always felt bad for stepping on the sod, but there was no way around it. Maybe this was why all of the grass hated him.
After a long hike, he reached the border of a dense forest. The trees seemed so happy together, with their branches reaching for one another in harmony. He longed to have a relationship like that of a tree. He approached a beautiful, sleek tree just off the path in the forest. Maybe he could get in on the fun with them.
“Hello, I was w—”
“LEAF ME ALOOOONE!” She shrieked. Her branches shuddered as she flailed, as best as a tree could, sending twigs and dried leaves showering down on his head. She wouldn’t dare speak with a man like him, she could just tell from his voice and appearance that he was not worth her time.
This was the typical response he would get when speaking with other plants larger than him. This is what made the smaller plants wish they could grow bigger, that they could photosynthesize more quickly. They wanted to have this power they would have to irritate those smaller than them. They wanted to grow big and strong, so they could belittle others and make them feel bad. It was such a shame that they looked up to the stuck-up older trees when the towering structures set terrible examples.
Austin continued walking. Not to be speciesist, but a different type of plant, or even an animal this time, may be a better fit for him.
He marched on, humming Hamilton tracks. “I’m a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal…” Austin muttered to himself, briefly forgetting that the entire forest was judging him as he moved forward. Recalling the lyrics distracted himself from the feeling of deep loneliness. Sometimes, just sometimes, he was able to convince himself that the lyrics could be true!
The sun was starting to sink at a faster rate. Sunset was coming, and the day was nearly over. It was time to head home. If only he remembered his way back… Austin glanced around, looking for anything that could guide him.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a bush twitch. Now, this bush could be doing this in horror, cringing at Austin’s presence. Since it could be for more reasonable reasons, like a creature brushed by the bush, he decided to investigate the situation. He was always the optimist.
Austin dashed towards the bush, pushing his way through to check behind it. He saw nothing. His heart fell. This was what happened to optimists.
“Moooooooo.”
The sudden cow sound startled Austin. “Moo?” He jumped and looked side to side, trying to discern where the sound came from.
There was a gasp of indignation. “How dare you?!” It was a deer. She stared at him, extremely offended.
“Wh—I’m sorry,” Austin apologized quickly, hoping to redeem himself. He had no idea what he said to her in the cow language, but it must have been something bad. He was trying to be relatable. He didn’t want to ask, he only wanted to fix the situation. He had barely even realized that deers couldn’t speak the same language as cows. Nonetheless, this deer could be his friend. And it was a mammal, like him! Not like the trees and insects from earlier in the day. Extra relatable! It may be Austin’s lucky day.
She looked away indignantly. “Hmph!” Or not.
Maybe it was best to try starting a polite conversation. “I’m Austin. What’s your name?” Really, he didn’t know how to sound like he had manners. Hopefully they could start over, and she’d be more forgiving than the other creatures.
The deer could tell by his stuttering and bright red cheeks that he was really putting in an effort here. Maybe he was worth interacting with. She wasn’t entirely sure of him yet, though, so she tried to come up with a pretend name on the fly. “My name is Deery.” Her actual name was Genevieve.
Austin had not gotten this far with any other creatures in the past. Was this the naming convention used in the forest? How did all of the deer not get confused by each other? Maybe Deery was just special. “Nice to meet you, Deery!” He reached out to shake her hand. Or hoof.
“And you.” Deery raised her hoof and set it on his hand, cringing inside. She didn’t really mean it, but she would have an excuse to stop talking to him soon.
She heard a rustle in the background. Deerys body stiffened, and she sniffed the air. “DID HE PUT YOU UP TO THIS?”
Austin’s mouth gaped, opening and closing like a carp’s. He didn’t know what to say. “W-Wha…?”
A man carrying a rifle pressed through the brush, loudly stomping through the forest. Austin was surprised the hunter wasn’t noticed earlier, given how stealthy he was. Not.
“You distracted me!” Deery screeched. She totally would have seen the hunter coming coming if not for the scrawny boy and his confused, deer-in-the-headlights look. This is what she got for being so nice.
Deery started to run. Austin thought it would be smart to run away from the armed man, too, so he chased after her. It probably wasn’t helping the deer majestically and gracefully escape.
Of course, clumsy as he was, his foot got caught on tree root and Austin came crashing towards the ground. He let out an extremely high-pitched yelp. Lying on the ground, immobilized, he began to call for help. It didn’t hurt that badly, but still. He had just twisted his ankle. Just like the plot twist in the next paragraph.
Deery circled back around when she heard Austin fall. “Hahaha, it’s just a prank, bro!!”
The hunter stopped running, breathing hard and leaning against a tree. “Lol we got u good!” He was trying to catch his breath from the physical exertion of not only sprinting but of hysterical laughter.
The evil pair high fived each other, then they walked away, laughing at Austin the whole time.
Austin sat there for a while, unsure of what to do or how to process the situation. He had learned to become quite numb to these sorts of things, but just when he thought he had made a real friend, or a real acquaintance at the very least, the whole thing was a lie.
So he kept on sitting there as the night grew darker and darker. He couldn’t walk anywhere, and he didn’t know his way back home. Was this really the end?
That’s okay, Austin decided. Maybe his next life would be better.
Or not. Then another… thing came trampling through the forest. It had an uneven gait; there was a loud step forward followed by a delayed, slower step, and then the loud one began again very soon after. Were the tales of monsters prowling through the forest at night true? Was this feeding time?
“Hello!” A cheerful voice echoed through the air. This was not a monster.
Austin could make a faint silhouette out in the dim moonlight. It seemed like… a girl? He noticed she was leaning on crutches, and her ankle was taped up.
“Who are you?”
She smiled. Her teeth seemed to glow in the moonlight. “I’m Melanie. Do you need a hand?” She reached out an arm, offering him one of her crutches.
Austin reluctantly took the crutch from her. “Wha…why?” He had so many questions. Where had this girl come from? Was she actually friendly? Or was it just another trick?
“Oh! I was tricked by that stupid deer a few days ago. When I heard the shriek, I figured she had gotten another girl. I was very close.” She blushed. “I should really put up a sign somewhere. Anyway!” Melanie coughed, trying to think of a way to change the subject.
This was a surprise to Austin. “Thank you.” He didn’t even need politeness to get him anywhere, just some quick, loud screeching.
And they lived happily ever after.