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When they were younger, before high school and the Reynolds twins and popularity and all that other teenage bullshit factored in, Mac and Charlie were pretty much inseparable. In the morning they’d meet up in their favorite alley and walk around the city unsupervised, bashing dogs and throwing rocks at shit. On nights when Mac’s parents were fighting he’d sneak out to Charlie’s house and they’d sleep curled up together on Charlie’s rickety bed with the blankets cocooned around them, breathing in each others hot sticky breath. When Uncle Jack was staying over Charlie would sprint to Mac’s house and shiver in his arms under the covers while the other boy stroked his spine and promised to protect him no matter what. They would kiss on the roof of the shed in Mac’s yard under the stars and it wasn’t ever weird because they were best friends and they loved each other and people who loved each other kissed, and things were simple and Mac and Charlie were happy just holding each others hands.
After high school started Mac didn’t want to hang out with Charlie as much. They became friends with Dennis Reynolds who was relatively popular. Dennis liked Charlie enough, but not for extended amounts of time, and he always called him Dirt Grub but in the mean way, and Charlie didn’t like it. And even though Mac knew that Dennis was hurting Charlie he never said a thing. Mac still snuck out to Charlie’s house sometimes but he didn’t spend the night anymore. When Charlie knocked on Mac’s window one night when they were fifteen, shaking violently after an episode with Uncle Jack, Mac told Charlie to grow up and go back to his own house, and Charlie didn’t say anything about his uncle to Mac anymore.
All these things were okay with Charlie, because Mac seemed happy, and so things had to be okay. So it was okay even when Dennis shoved him a little too hard to be friendly, and even when he got beat up after school by kids who called him trash, and even when he stayed awake all night watching his door in case Uncle Jack came in.
In their Junior year Mac started getting girlfriends and made out with them in his dad’s old car and told Charlie not to ‘cramp his style’. They didn’t kiss anymore because Mac said it was gay. When Charlie said “I love you” Mac punched him and told him never to say it again, that people might hear. Charlie didn’t understand why Mac was so angry, but he didn’t say it anymore. Mac didn’t hold Charlie’s hand.
“Mac, do you want to come over and watch Raiders of the Lost Ark tonight?” Charlie asked, rubbing at curse words carved into the school desk he was sitting at. Mac was next to him with his feet propped up on the desk in front of him, tossing wads of paper at the trash can a few feet away.
“I dunno, I think me and Dennis are going out tonight,” Mac said distantly, like he wasn’t really pay attention. Charlie made a noncommittal noise and wondered how much longer it would be until the bell rang.
“Hey Dirt Grub!” Someone yelled, startling Charlie and Mac into looking up. It was Adriano Calvanese, the guy who came up with cruel nicknames for everyone. He sauntered over to them and grinned. “Need some glue to huff? I’ve got some Elmer’s from my little sister that will really fuck you up,” He said to Charlie, laughing at his own joke like a huge douchebag.
“Shut the fuck up, dude,” Mac snapped, sitting up properly in his desk. Charlie looked between the two quietly.
“Defending your girlfriend, Ronnie?” Adriano sneered, “Wanna make little dirty rat babies with him?” He kicked the underside of Charlie’s desk and made him jump. Mac looked like he was going to fight him, but then Dennis walked in, his girlfriend Maureen trailing after him.
“Like I’d ever touch a dirt grub like Charlie,” Mac said, forcing laughter. Dennis was close enough to hear and roared with laughter as well, sitting down at the desk in front of Mac.
“Maureen’s got a friend that has a huge crush on you, dude. She’s totally hot,” he said to Mac, shoving his shoulder. “Hey, Charlie,” he added as an afterthought, not really looking at the other boy. Charlie didn’t even hear him. He was busy wondering why Mac would call him Dirt Grub. Adriano, the popular kids, Dennis, even some of the teachers - Charlie was used to them calling him Dirt Grub. But not Mac, never Mac. He would never. He just did.
Charlie got up without a word and left, missing the way Mac stuttered in his reply to Dennis and how his eyes followed him out of the room. Charlie went home and didn’t come to school for a week after. Mac and Dennis talked to him when he came back like nothing had happened and Charlie never brought up the incident. In the years that followed Charlie would sometimes remember how warm Mac was on nights when he felt cold, and how Mac’s lips were soft and how he always brushed his fingers along the inside of Charlie’s palm before he grabbed his hand. He remembered the constellations that Mac would point out to him on the roof of the shed, and the way Mac’s mom would ruffle Charlie’s hair on mornings when he appeared at the breakfast table, and how she never asked any questions even though she could have. Most of the time he was too drunk to remember, and on nights when he didn’t drink, he would remember Mac, and he would remember why he drank so much in the first place.
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“I’m s-sorry I woke you up,” Charlie whispered, clinging to Mac’s pajama top and breathing in the smell of soap from his neck. Mac shushed him gently, one hand pressed against the small of his back and the other tangled in his hair, rubbing at his scalp. Charlie’s shaking and sobbing slowly subsided and he was left listening to Mac breathe quietly and evenly. Charlie was thirteen now, but he still got scared. It didn’t matter though, because Mac didn’t.
“I love you,” Charlie said.
“I love you too, Charlie.”