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“Stay the night?” Kara asked softly, her thumb stroking Lena’s cheek as they laid face-to-face in Kara’s bed. They had been watching movies over potstickers and ice cream, having a date in. They had been on several dates before, though occasionally interrupted by Supergirl duty, and neither had stayed over with the other yet. She came closer to whisper into Lena’s ear, “I want to wake up next to you.”
There was hesitation in her eyes, but a smile on her lips. “How can I say no to that?”
This close, their gazes meeting, it was impossible for Kara not to notice the hesitation. “Sorry, too soon?”
“No, no.” She reached out to brush some of Kara’s hair behind her ear. “You know I wake up at 4:30, right?”
Kara smiled, kissing her. “I’ll manage.” Her smile turned amused as she admitted, “Well, I might go back to sleep after you leave. I don’t have to get up until 6.”
“Okay.” She kissed her again. “Not that you need beauty sleep, but I won’t be responsible for Supergirl being exhausted on the job.” Which would be truly dangerous, but if Kara was going to be able to get back to sleep, it shouldn’t be a big deal. Though if they ever made a habit of it – and it was definitely far too soon for her to presume they would, but still – she would have to hope Kara would learn to sleep through the alarm.
Kara got up. “Let’s see, I’ve got a spare toothbrush. Of course you can help yourself to whatever else you need, umm… Do you want pajamas?”
She chuckled, sitting up so the blanket no longer covered her and gestured to their mutual nudity. “I think I’m fine without pajamas, but thank you for offering.”
Blushing, she averted her eyes. “Right. Well, you know. Just want you to be comfortable.”
She couldn’t help her amusement at Kara’s blush. Only minutes ago she was leaving lipstick smudges on Kara’s legs, and now Kara was blushing at the sight of her body. She also couldn’t help a few more honest but slightly teasing words. “Mmm. Well, I’m going to be in your bed, so I don’t think we need to worry about that.”
Rao, even now Lena always knew how to make her a blushing, stammering mess. “Um. Let me show you where everything is? I can’t promise how awake I’m gonna be in the morning.”
She smiled, in the way that only Kara had ever been able to bring out in her, and yet Kara was able to bring out at just about every occasion. “Would you be more awake if I made you breakfast?” Then she paused. “On second thought, if you’re going to go back to sleep after…”
But Kara had perked up quickly at the mention of breakfast. “No, don’t worry! That wouldn’t stop me!”
“Well, this is you after all,” she teased. It was only natural, though, considering the energy she must exert as Supergirl. And maybe an alien metabolism. Lena wasn’t that sure on the specifics there. “Alright, breakfast tomorrow. …I’m assuming you have ingredients for actual food? I hope you don’t eat takeout or delivery every meal?”
Actual food, well… “Umm, depends? But I have stuff for pancakes, and eggs and bacon! And lots of cereal.”
She quirked an eyebrow. “And when you say ‘cereal,’ do you mean sugar in cereal form?”
A cough, though she smiled, knowing Lena was just teasing. “Well, y’know.”
“I suppose a healthy diet isn’t that important for a Kryptonian?”
“A healthy diet of as many calories as possible?”
“Fair enough.” She stood, moving toward the restroom so they could get ready for bed. She and Kara’s pillowcase would regret it quite a lot if she didn’t remove her makeup before she went to sleep. Though most of her lipstick had already come off earlier…
Brushing her teeth side-by-side with Kara was strange and slightly embarrassing, but nice. Oddly warm, somehow.
They got ready for bed, Lena unable to hold back an embarrassingly happy smile through most of it, trying not to think about the fact that Kara could hear the fluttering of her heart.
“What’re you thinking about?” Kara asked, smiling back.
“I’ve never done this before,” she confessed. “You know, nobody wants to date a Luthor…” Not to mention that until Kara, she had never really had emotional intimacy. She had always craved it, yes, but all too often she had run from it, too afraid of getting hurt. By the time she had stopped running from her fears it was too late. Until Kara.
She cupped Lena’s cheek in her hand. “Well, I am very happy to be dating Lena Luthor.”
Lena smiled back at her, the smile that came out when Kara said something that moved her deeply. The kinds of words she had never been told. It was a watery smile without tears.
I love you. Kara worried it was too soon to voice the feeling, but her eyes spoke it for her.
“Okay, to bed,” Lena murmured. Moments like this, when she felt so nearly overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings for Kara and how they seemed to be reciprocated in full, still made her feel a little skittish. They were like nothing she had ever experienced before, and while she tried not to avoid the things she feared, she wasn’t completely sure what she was supposed to do in such situations. Sad as she was sure it sounded, she didn’t know anymore how to react to someone who seemed to so freely and unconditionally care about her. (Love her, she even thought sometimes. Only with Kara could she ever suspect herself to be loved. But sometimes, she worried to get too involved, even if she pushed forward anyway as much as she knew how. But no one ever stayed. She wasn’t sure how long Kara would want to be the exception.)
And Kara understood, at least some of it. She knew what it was like to have lost so much and be terrified of losing more. It was why she could recognize that as a source of Lena’s sudden nervousness from time to time. She said nothing of it, knowing it was only through actions and time that she could show Lena she wasn’t going anywhere.
After crawling under the covers of her bed, Kara laid down on her side and held her arms out. Be my little spoon, she clearly indicated.
Truthfully Lena would have pictured herself the big spoon, because something about Kara had led her to imagine she would be more of a little spoon type. Then again, Kara was full of surprises under the surface. The need to appear strong also would have made her assume herself to be the big spoon, if she had been the one to bring it up. But Kara had asked, and she couldn’t deny the feeling of safety she always found in her arms. She climbed in and pressed her back into Kara.
“This okay?” she checked, cuddling into her and hugging her close.
“More than.” She closed her eyes. She could get used to this.
“Alright, just one second.” Kara rolled over and reached out to turn off the light.
And just like that, they were plunged into complete darkness. Lena bit her lip, body tensing against her will. When Kara touched her again, there was a startled sound in her throat, quiet enough that even Lena herself didn’t hear it.
But super hearing picked up on it easily, and that with the fact that Lena’s heart rate, so relaxed only a few seconds ago, had now sped up… “Hey, what’s wrong?” She didn’t reach for her again. Not when Lena had so obviously been uncomfortable this time.
Lena shook her head, though she wasn’t sure Kara could see her. “I’m fine.” Her voice betrayed her, a note in it revealing that she seemed to be trying to convince herself as much as Kara.
“You’re safe,” Kara affirmed, “but you’re not comfortable. Talk to me.”
She had always been open with Kara, even about her deepest wounds. Skimmed the surface and played them off, sure. But she had always been honest. She rolled over to look at Kara, though she couldn’t see anything in the dark. She wondered whether Kara’s night vision was better than that of humans. Whether Kara could see her. “You know how most children are afraid of the dark?” she began, a small cringe of embarrassment in her voice.
“Yes.” Having a small suspicion, she reached over to turn the lamp back on. It emitted only a soft glow, the room’s primarily light being on the ceiling.
Sure enough, once the light was back on, Lena’s body relaxed minutely. It wasn’t by much, because she was afraid of how Kara would react to her words. At least now she could look into her eyes and gauge her reaction as she spoke. “I… never really felt safe as a child,” she admitted. “It took me longer than most, I think, to grow out of that. …Specifically, until my mother found out I was sleeping with a lamp on. She wasn’t happy, and I was forced to learn to adjust.” She looked away, gathering her courage before looking back up at her, meeting Kara’s gaze. She saw no judgment, only concern and sympathy. “But… I’ve nearly died so many times in the last few months, and I know there are still people – even my mother – who want me dead. So, ah… at some point along the line, it sort of… resurfaced.”
For one thing, Lena had always been susceptible to nightmares, but after there were true attempts upon her life, she felt more shaken than ever when she woke, and she just needed to see that she was alone and in her bedroom. She had told herself so many times that she wouldn’t live in fear, because she had learned a while back that if she let herself, she would never not be afraid, and she didn’t like the feeling of something other than herself controlling her. But the fear had been resistant to leave her, and when she was becoming too exhausted to run her company, she had felt she had no choice but to cave, at least for a while. At least until things settled down.
She reached out to stroke Lena’s hair, seeing that Lena was worried and guessing it to be about her reaction to the information, at least in part. “Thank you for telling me,” she murmured. “Would you feel comfortable if we left the lamp on?”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that. You need to sleep too.”
“And for next time, we can try out different things and find something that’s unobtrusive but enough. But I’ll manage for tonight. I don’t want you to have to be scared.”
I don’t deserve you, she thought. Here she was, in her twenties and still afraid of the dark, and yet Kara just… accepted it. Accepted her, just as she was. She wanted to tell Kara she loved her, but she was too afraid of how those words could change things, so for now she just gave a weighted, “Thank you.” Someday soon she would tell her. When the time felt right.
Kara kissed her. “Wanting you to know you’re safe is nothing you have to thank me for.”
She felt overwhelmed again by the feelings that seemed almost threatening to burst from her chest, but for now she just told her, “It means a lot to me.”
She shifted so that her arms were around Lena, closing her eyes.
“Are you going to be able to sleep like this?” she asked, slipping her arms around Kara.
Kara nodded against her. “It’s fine.” With her back to it and eyes closed, there was barely a difference.
But for Lena, eyes opened or closed, it gave her peace of mind. “If you’re sure it’s okay… But if you can’t fall asleep, at least turn it off once I do, okay?” She knew Kara would be able to tell when that happened from her breathing and heartbeat.
There was no way she would do that, in case Lena woke up. “Good night,” she murmured instead.
Lena easily caught the meaning of Kara’s avoidance of answering, but saw no merit in trying to insist. “Good night.” She closed her eyes, letting herself relax into Kara. The warmth washed over her, and she couldn’t help but to think that she couldn’t remember ever feeling this safe in her life. Maybe it would be okay for tonight to turn it off. “Kara?”
“Hm?” Her voice was a sleepy murmur. She lifted one hand to stroke Lena’s hair.
“I think… for tonight, I’ll be okay. I know I’m safe with you.”
“You don’t have to force yourself.”
“I know. But you know I don’t like avoiding things, anyway. I caved, before, because I just needed to sleep, and so it’s been that way since… but I would prefer to move past it. Please let me try?”
Lena had always been honest with her, so she was sure now was no exception. “Okay. We can try.”
We. That didn’t escape her notice. Like Kara was in this effort with her. It didn’t surprise her that Kara would feel that way, unfamiliar to her though it was. She nodded against her.
Kara left one hand on Lena’s shoulder as she reached out to the lamp. “Okay?” she checked.
“Yes.”
So Kara turned the light off. She heard Lena take a deep breath to calm herself. Moving closer, she slowly wrapped her arms around Lena again, giving her time to pull away or speak up if she was uncomfortable with it again. When Lena made it clear she was okay with it, curling into Kara, she began to stroke Lena’s hair.
She didn’t feel quite as comfortable as she had earlier, but she would be okay. Nobody could hurt her with Kara here. And maybe she would have a nightmare, yes, but even if she did, Kara would be within arms’ reach if not closer. She would be okay. She would be okay.
Feeling brave, Lena ventured against one more fear. “I love you.”
There was no hesitation, only warmth. “I love you, too.”
It was hard for her to trust in those words. But from Kara… maybe. She was certain they were sincere for now. She could just hope they would stay that way. Slowly, she consciously made her body relax. And sure enough, although it took a while, sleep began to settle upon her.
Kara waited a while, until she was sure Lena was really asleep. Then she let her hand still, closing her own eyes and letting herself drift off as well.
Both of them slept peacefully that night.