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Once upon a time there was a lovely maiden who lived in a tiny cottage on the edge of a babbling stream which flowed by a deep, dark wood. The name of the lovely maiden was Rose, and she lived with her widowed mother. While she was lovely, she was of course, poor, because this is a fairy tale and lovely maidens who live in tiny cottages by babbling streams on the edges of dark woods are always poverty-stricken. And either orphaned or fatherless or motherless.
One day, lovely Rose was picking berries by the babbling stream on the edge of those deep dark woods when a terrifying and evil giant by the name of Dalek Sec snatched her and stole her away to his castle in the clouds. And it just so happened that the evil giant, Dalek Sec had been the perpetrator of her father’s demise. So she screamed. A lot.
Her mother heard her screams and felt the terrifying, heavy, thudding footfall of the terrifying giant that rattled the very few dishes that she owned, and as such, her mother also screamed at the top of her lungs. “Help! Someone please! Help my lovely daughter Rose who has been snatched by the evil giant Dalek Sec! Won’t someone please save her? Is there not a heroic champion who shall come to her rescue?”
It so happened that the handsome and heroic Lord Doctor of Gallifrey just so happened to be riding by her tiny cottage on his trusty steed, Tardis. And the handsome and heroic Lord Doctor of Gallifrey also just so happened to have been following the evil giant Dalek Sec for about ten miles or so.
“Did I just hear that your daughter has been snatched by the evil giant Dalek Sec?” he asked with fervor, sensing danger, adventure, and possibly romance, because Dalek Sec only ever kidnapped only the fairest of maidens. “I am the Lord Doctor of Gallifrey, and I shall be her champion!”
“Yes, Lord Doctor of Gallifrey! Alas! My fairest of the fair, Rose, was been kidnapped by the terrifying giant Dalek Sec who has plagued our humble village for over 100 years! The terrible giant killed my husband, my sweet daughter Rose’s father, and ever since that horrible day we have lived in poverty and privation. Oh brave Lord Doctor of Gallifrey, I have heard how you slew the mighty Dalek Sec’s brothers, Dalek Thay, Dalek Caan, and Dalek Jast. Please, oh please, promise me you will save my daughter from certain death at the hands of the evil giant?”
He stood tall and proud. “I always keep my promises, my good woman, for I’m that sort of man.”
The weeping mother clasped her hands to her breast. “But kind, brave, handsome, and a little bit too skinny Lord Doctor, the evil Dalek Sec’s castle is in the clouds. How ever will you save my daughter? You have no conveyance with which to reach his domain.”
“Oh, but you are wrong my dear woman. I have my magic blue box!”
The Doctor turned towards his trusty steed, who magically transformed herself into a blue box with a magical blue light on the roof.
“What is this magic?” she gasped in terror.
“Oh, it’s perfectly safe. Mostly. But never fear gentle lady! I shall rescue your daughter. But may I ask, is she fair?”
“Oh! She is the fairest of the fair! Look at me! Am I not fair?”
He tugged his ear. “You are certainly fair. Perhaps she would consider me a worthy champion and allow me to sweep her away in my magic box after all of this is said and done? For I am lonely and have wandered too long seeking the evil giant Dalek Sec.”
“The village blacksmith, Michael Smith, has been wooing my fair daughter.”
“I do believe she will find me to be a superior man in every way. If she’ll have me.” On bended knee, he grasped the dear mother’s hand. “I beg of you… allow me to sweep your fairest of the fair daughter away from this life of poverty and privation to a life of adventure and romance.”
“You might have to duel.”
“Brilliant! I’m fantastic with a sword. Allons-y!” The Lord Doctor bounded into his magical blue box and to the fear and delight of the poor widow, dissolved into the air.
oOo
Meanwhile, in the evil giant’s castle in the clouds, the beautiful maiden found herself in a cage dangling from the ceiling of the monster’s dining room.
“You are never going to get away with this!” she cried defiantly. “A brave champion will rescue me!”
“I see no champion,” the giant bellowed in his really, really, reallllly irritating voice.
“I am her champion!” A tall thin man sauntered into the room, and shimmied up the table leg.
“You are the Lord Doctor! You exterminated my brothers! You will be exterminated! Exterminate! Exterminate!”
“Is that all you can say Dalek Sec? Really, you need to expand your vocabulary.”
“Why do you wish to save the female? She is nothing but a lowly peasant.”
“Everyone is important. And everyone is special. Of course she’s worth it.” Lord Doctor pulled out his magic sword, which began to glow blue with an ethereal blue light, and aimed it at the door on the cage, which sprang open, releasing the fair maiden. She jumped without hesitation ran to his side, and clung to his arm. “Who are you?”
“I’m the Lord Doctor of Gallifrey, and I’m here to rescue you, my fair Rose!”
“How did you get here?”
“Perhaps it would be better if I answered your questions later. I have a giant to slay.”
The Doctor aimed the magic sword at the ceiling, and the massive chandelier that just so happened to be directly over the giant’s head came crashing down. It struck a fatal blow, sending the evil giant to his demise.
“You saved us all, Lord Doctor! How can I ever repay you?” She gazed into his brown orbs with longing and awe and surprisingly and shockingly sudden and magical true love.
“Why don’t we celebrate the conquering of the evil giant with a celebratory glass of champagne?”
“I don’t see any champagne.”
“Follow me!” he grinned.
Of course she followed him and stared at his bum while she was at it, because it just so happened to be perfect in his tight, brown breeches that only heroic rescuers can sport and still look heroic and manly.
They arrived in a bedroom that oddly enough wasn’t giant sized at all.
“Behold! The chalice of Kaled!”
The fair maiden gazed upon an enormous goblet.
“But it’s so big, Lord Doctor? And why is this room human-sized, not giant-sized? And how ever will we drink from such a chalice?”
“Those are all very good questions to which I have no answer. But isn’t it brilliant? I thought that perhaps we could bathe,” he winked. “I am a bit sweaty and dusty from all of that rescuing I just did.”
“Bathe?” Her creamy white cheeks flushed a delicious and appropriate shade of maidenly-embarrassed pink.
“Well, you did ask how you could repay me,” he winked.
“Lord Doctor, are you asking me to,” she gasped, “surrender my maidenly innocence in a glass of champagne?”
“Well, I don’t know about that, but it might be rather fun, don’t you think to bathe in a ginormous glass of champagne?”
“Well, I suppose I could go for a swim in a giant glass of champagne. That wouldn’t be too compromising considering you are my heroic champion. But how ever are we going to get up there?”
“Easy peasy lemon squeezy, my fair maiden!”
Lord Doctor found a spoon, a wooden box filled with jewels and treasures, and a pepper pot which so happened to be giant-sized and just so happened to be in the human-sized bedroom. He balanced the giant spoon over the pepper pot which he had turned on its side, and instructed her to stand in the bowl of the spoon.
“Get ready to jump!” he commanded before he jumped off of the jewel and treasure-laden wooden box that he would be sure to give to Rose’s dear mother, and onto the handle of the spoon, sending the fair maiden Rose flying through the air and straight into the champagne coupe with a splash, spilling the cream-colored wine onto the plush bearskin rug in front of the crackling fireplace.
“Wheeeeee!!!!” she squealed with glee as she peeled off her gown, and tossed it over the edge of the exquisite crystal glass. It landed on the floor with a splat. “But how you gonna get up here, Lord Doctor?”
“Oh, I’m very talented in a very many things, fair maiden, as I believe you will soon learn,” he replied confidently as he ran full tilt towards the glass, bounded off of the wooden box filled with treasures untold. He grabbed the rim of the glass and propelled himself into the sparkling wine. “Oh, it’s brilliant in here!” he proclaimed as he peeled off his tight, manly breaches and flowing white, but very manly tunic.
“Isn’t it though? I think I’m a little tipsy, however. I may have had a few sips. Wanna make out?”
“Oh yes!”
And so they made out. A lot.
The End.