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He hates that he’s drawn to this man. He wishes he could just go about his life without being tied to any of this. He wants to disappear, start a new life with a new name, somewhere far away from Hydra, New York, Steve . He wants to run and never look back but he knows he won’t ever be able to, not when he’s still alive. His last mission. He failed. It itches at him deep under his skin. Kill Steve Rogers. Kill Captain America. He must. He needs to stop this feeling that burns like hot coals in his lungs. But he can’t. Not when the pain he feels looking into Steve’s eyes hurts more than the pain of not killing him. He has to know why. Maybe then he’ll be able to complete the mission and finally he can live in peace.
So he goes to the museum. Mission: find his weaknesses or anything to use against him.
He isn’t prepared for what he finds. As he stares at the life size picture of a tiny version of Steve, he remembers a time he mocked Steve for his height. He remembers a pain in his shoulder when Steve retaliated. He remembers grinning even though it actually hurt. He remembers the tight seal of Steve’s lips as he tried not to let a smile slip through. He remembers ruffling Steve’s hair, the smooth strands running through the fingers of a flesh left hand. He can almost feel the phantom of Steve’s touch as he slapped his hand away. He remembers and it’s amazing.
He really is this man that used to be Steve Roger’s best friend. He’s really Bucky.
He’s not sure if that’s good or bad.
Logically, Bucky starts following Steve. If he sees him more, the memories should start coming back, right? The more that he remembers, the more he thinks talking to Steve would be a terrible idea. The Bucky he is now is drastically different than the Bucky he was back then. Old Bucky was charming, funny, determined, energetic, and full of life. New Bucky is broken, on edge, struggles with daily activities that include loud noises, and is waiting for something bad to happen. The only thing they have in common is how much they love Steve.
He’s surprised when he remembers just how much Steve means to him. It happens as he’s sitting across from the coffee shop Steve’s in, watching as Steve brings the cup to his lips, takes a drink, and draws back quickly, wincing. Bucky’s mind drifts back to a time when skinny Steve lay sick in bed. He’s wrought with worry. What if Steve doesn’t make it? What if this is the one Steve can’t get up from? He can’t lose him, can’t lose the person most important to him. If he lost Steve, he’d lose a part of himself. He loves this boy too much for him to die. What surprises Bucky the most about that particular memory isn’t that he’s in love with Steve - it’s that they’re so young . Bucky couldn’t have been more than 15 when he realized he was in love with his best friend.
But how could he not be in love with this man? He’s fucking Captain America. A perfect gentleman, kind, loyal, sweet, generous, and all kinds of amazing things Bucky can’t think of. Hell, last week, he’d seen Steve help an old lady cross the street. It’s ridiculous how perfect Steve is. Even two weeks after realizing he’s still in love with him, Bucky can’t stop thinking about him. He’s so lost in thinking about Steve, he almost forgets he’s supposed to be hiding from him.
Steve doesn’t see him because all he’s looking at is the man beside him. His smile is brighter than any he remembers. He’s got a hand on the man’s shoulder. The man is smiling equally as wide, laughing at something one of them must’ve said.
Jealousy strikes through him like a knife. Who would’ve thought seeing Steve with someone else would hurt his heart as much as brainwashing? He’s disgusted with himself. Steve isn’t his. He’s wrong to feel this way over someone who doesn’t belong to him, not that Steve ever would. They’re obviously together, judging from the looks on their faces.
The other man suddenly swings out a foot, tripping Steve, but Steve still has a hold on him. They both fall and land in a pile, laughing still as they untangle themselves from each other. Bucky can see the other man’s lingering touches and he hates him.
Steve was always so tense with him in their older years. He leaned away from touches, stopped making as much eye contact, and moved away when he noticed they were touching longer than usual. It was Bucky’s fault of course. He was always going out with different girls every week and bringing them home. It was bound to piss off Steve at some point. He was inconsiderate and it hurt their friendship. Bucky thrived off their easy relationship back then. It was all he could hope to have with Steve. He wouldn’t have responded well to knowing his best friend loved him more than just a friend. The new tense Steve hurt Bucky more than he thought it would.
One of the things he hates the most about New Superhuman Asset Bucky is his inability to get drunk. Five drinks in and he isn’t even feeling tipsy. He can’t think of anything else to get Steve out of his head. Can Steve get drunk?
“Is this seat taken?” The voice is familiar but he can’t quite place it until he turns and takes in the redhead staring at him. Fuck.
“No.” Keep it simple. Maybe she won’t recognize who he is. Yeah, and maybe she’s not the Widow today.
She sits and extends her hand. “I don’t think we’ve formally met. I’m Natasha.”
He forces himself to move. “I know.”
She’s silent for a bit. He’s itching to leave, itching to fight his way out if that’s what it came to. But he stays. She’s Steve’s friend.
“We met when you were 12 by the way.” He takes a drink. How much straight alcohol would kill me? “Cute kid.”
“I didn’t think you’d remember that.” She sounds surprised.
“I remember everything that happened after they took me.” Why that and not everything from before?
“Even that one time-”
“Yes.” Bucky flushes. He didn’t think he could do that anymore.
They’re silent. Bucky finishes his drink.
“Steve’s worried, you know.”
Bucky scoffs. “Of course he is. He’s Steve.”
“If you just talk to him-”
“No.” Bucky turns to look at her. “I can’t. I’m not the same Bucky he remembers. He’ll be happier without me.”
“You’d be happier with him.” Natasha sighs. “Think for yourself for once in 70 years.”
She waits for a reply that isn’t coming and stands when she doesn’t get what she wants.
“You know where to find him when you get your head out of your ass.”
She leaves and Bucky’s alone at the bar.
He can’t believe he’s doing this. Is he really doing this? Oh god, the elevator is moving I need out-
“Should I notify the hospital, Mr. Barnes? Your heart rate is rather high.”
The fucking tower is talking. “No.”
Bucky tries to calm his breathing. He’s a fucking world class assassin. He shouldn’t be this freaked out by the thought of seeing Steve. He’d just seen him two days ago, there’s no reason to be nervous about seeing him today. He’s just Steve. Bucky clenches his fists and readies himself for what will be on the other side when the doors open.
But nothing could prepare him for the tears in Steve’s eyes when he comes into view. Bucky hesitantly steps out. Him and Steve are the only ones in the room.
“Don’t cry. You’ll get sick.”
Steve is in his arms before he can blink. It feels like coming home.
“Steve, I-”
“No, don’t. Nat said you were wallowing in self pity. You aren’t allowed to say anything self deprecating.”
Bucky smiles. He’s glad Steve hasn’t changed.
“Steve.”
“What?”
“I missed you.”
“I missed you, too, Buck.” Steve pulls away and glares at him. “Where have you been?”
“Around. I’ve seen you a few times.” He swallows his jealousy and makes an attempt at teasing. “Who’s the guy you were all into?”
“What? Sam? We’re friends. Seriously.” Steve smiles. “Are you jealous? No one can take your place so don’t worry. I’m still with you. ‘Til the end of the line, remember?”
“Yeah,” Bucky whispers. Steve has so much hope in his eyes, Bucky can’t stand it. He doesn’t deserve it. “I’m not the same as I was before, Steve.”
“That’s ok. I’m not the same either. War changes people.” Steve leads him to the sofa. “Torture changes people.”
Steve’s still holding onto his hand and Bucky’s confused, but not complaining. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to deal with my problems. You don’t have to pause your life or anything. Move on. Go out with your friends.”
“Bucky-”
“If you don’t let me say this, I’m never going to.”
Steve mimes zipping his lips. Bucky shakes his head. Dork .
“I want to stay.” Steve smiles. “But I need to be completely honest with you. I already died with this secret once. I’m not going to do it again.”
Steve looks concerned and Bucky continues.
“I’ve loved you since we were 15. I still do. In a not friendly way. In a I don’t ever want to be without you kind of way. As in in love with you Steve. Why are you laughing?” I fucking knew it. I never should’ve come . “You could be a little more considerate-”
“Bucky. You already told me that.” Steve is grinning. Bucky wants to punch him.
“What? When?”
“1945. The night before you died actually. And you did a lot more than just tell me, too.” Steve winks. Bucky might actually leave.
“What happened?”
“Just like this.” Steve takes his hand again, bringing it up to his lips and kissing the back of it. “‘Steve, I really, really like you. As in not friends. As in I want to kiss you.’”
“And after that?”
“Why don’t I show you?”