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It shouldn’t have happened to me. Everything in my life was perfect. I had the perfect job, the perfect husband, and the perfect son, everything anyone could ask for. But God has a funny way of taking something from you. Well, not necessarily something as SOMEONE. The love of my life, my happiness, my beginning and my end, the light shining through my everlasting darkness, my husband Harry Edward Styles. God took him away from me. Away from our son James and away from me.
I shouldn’t have sent him out that night to get the food for James, he would have made it until morning but Harry insisted on going so I let him and I have regretted it ever since. He was on his way back home when a drunk driver slammed into the side of the car, killing Harry instantly. I wasn’t ready for that knock on the door and standing there in just my boxers looking at the sheriff. Tears welled in my eyes before I even knew what he was going to say.
The words “drunk” and “driver” passed through my ears but I didn’t catch the whole sentence, I was already collapsed on the ground, bawling my eyes out, wishing that my Harry was still with me.
It took everything I could manage to plan the funeral for him. I took James with me, although he was so young to understand. When we were walking through the line to pay our respects to Harry, James peered inside the casket at his father and turned to me and whispered, “Shh, daddies sleeping!” and everyone in the room cried right then and there, including me. I had to stay strong for James, I was all he had left.
When they buried Harry in the ground, that was when I truly and utterly lost it. Tears were flowing down my face as I realized that I would never see Harry again. EVER! My mother held me close, wrapped in a tight and warming hug, rubbing my back and whispering sweet and calming things into my ear.
I just let it out, let out all my hurt and frustration and the realization that I would never see Harry again.
When I put James to bed that night, he asked about his father and I had to tell him that Daddy was in heaven now, watching over us and making sure we are safe.
“So he’s our guardian angel?” the sweet two year old asks me.
I just smile at him and gently stroke his hair.
“Yes baby, daddy is our guardian angel now,” as I feel another tear forming in my eyes.
It was hard going to sleep that night without Harry’s warm embrace. I missed listening to his steady heartbeat and his soft breathing. I missed him playing with my hair and drawing circles on my head. It felt like I cried for hours until sleep finally overtook me and I fell into a depressing sleep where I was thrashing and sweating throughout the night.
I wake up the next morning and feel around for Harry and then I realize he isn’t there and never will be. I sigh and get up out of bed to see if James is awake yet.
I trudge over to James’s room and peer inside. I smile when I see him still sleeping.
His chest rises and falls with every breath and his hand is rested next to his face. He has the same mop of curly brown hair that Harry did and the same amazing emerald eyes. The last thing of Harry’s that I will ever have is our son.
I make my way to the kitchen to make some breakfast for the both of us, which ends up being scrambled eggs and toast. I can’t get into the big breakfast buffet type of cooking, that was more of Harry’s thing.
I hear James trudging down the hallway and smile when I see him enter the kitchen. He is rubbing the sleep from his eyes and when he sees me, he smiles.
“Morning daddy,” he says.
I turn around and give him a nice big smile.
“Morning baby, you hungry?” I ask him.
He just smiles at me and rubs his tummy which is his way of telling me that he is. I just chuckle and set the plate of food in front of him.
He digs in and I am surprised at myself when I find it hard to eat my food. I mainly just pick around it with my fork, pushing most of to one side of the plate and taking nibbles here and there of the food. I sigh and scoot the plate away when I realize that I won’t be eating breakfast today.
After James has finished eating, I give him his bath and get him dressed so I can drop him off at daycare so I can go to work. I give him a hug and a kiss goodbye and then head off to work.
Upon arriving, all I receive from anyone is sympathetic stares and smiles. I don’t need this, I just want to have a normal day at work and not getting “I’m sorry” and “I know how you feel” and “We all miss him.” No one understands how it feels to lose someone that you loved so dearly. No one knows what it is like to have the police showing up at your door to tell you that your husband was killed by a drunk driver. No one knows what it is like explaining to your child that daddy is never coming home.
I wipe a tear from my eye when I reach my desk. I set my briefcase down and begin my long shift at work, waiting until I would be able to pick James up from daycare.
That night as James and I are sitting eating dinner, I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that someone was watching us. A cold chill ran down my spine and I spun around to look out the window but there wasn’t anything there. I quickly pushed the thought out of my head and continue eating dinner.
I tucked James into bed that night and read him a bed time story and then smile when I hear his soft snores coming from his bed.
I make my way to the bedroom and strip down into my boxers and climb into my big and lonely bed. I sigh as I turn over and face Harry’s spot on the bed. I run my hand up and down the sheets and stifle a sob that wants to escape.
“Why did you have to leave me Harry?” I whisper to his spot on the bed.
I turn back over again and within minutes my eyes begin to feel heavy and I doze off into a deep sleep.
I am in a dark room. There are no lights anyway and I begin to panic. I try to feel around for any source of light but can’t find anything. I then hear a voice ringing out.
“Niaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll.”
I take a big gulp. Could it be?
“Harry, is that you?” I ask out into the darkness.
Off in the distance, I can see a light. I begin walking towards the light.
“Come to me Niall,” Harry says to me.
The light is getting brighter and brighter. I can see an outline of a figure starting to appear. I smile when I see a familiar mop of curly brown hair.
“Harry,” I breathe out.
As I get closer, I see his gorgeous emerald eyes and his adorable dimples. He is smiling at me, holding his arms open waiting for my embrace.
I begin to run to him, dodging anything in my way and then I leap into his arms.
“Harry!” I cry out as I feel his arms wrap around me.
He begins to stroke my hair again, just like he used to and it brings a smile to my face.
“I miss you so much Harry,” I tell him.
He pulls my face towards his and places a kiss onto my lips. I missed his mouth so much and I smile when I feel that familiar spark that he gave me all those years ago that has never left.
“I miss you too baby,” he tells me with a sad look.
I hug him even tighter and don’t want to let go.
“What are you doing here Harry?” I ask him.
He looks deep into my eyes and moves the hair out of my face.
“I had to see you one last time,” he tells me.
I feel warmth spreading through my body.
“They let you come see me?” I ask him.
He looks at me and smiles again and nods his head. He hugs me one last time and places one final kiss on my lips.
He turns around and walks away, away into the light of the heavens, for his everlasting peace and rest, waiting for the day that James and I will join him.
I immediately wake up and look at the spot next to me. Empty. I sigh and then smile as I feel my lips and can still feel Harry’s lips on them.
“So it wasn’t a dream after all,” I say to myself.
James walks into my room then, rubbing at his eyes and looks at me.
“Daddy, I saw him,” he tells me.
I smile when I realize who he was talking about. Harry visited us both that night then.
I open my arms so that he knows he can climb into bed with me.
“I saw him too baby,” I respond a short time later.
He smiles and cuddles into me, draping his arm across my chest.
He reminds me so much of Harry and it hurts sometimes but it also makes it better, knowing that I still have a little piece of Harry with me.
“Goodnight daddy,” James says with a yawn.
I brush the hair from James’s face and place a soft kiss to his forehead.
“Goodnight baby,” I say.
Life is going to be hard living without Harry but he will always have a place in my heart and he will be waiting for me so that I can finally join him and we can be together again, forever and ever, no longer having to worry about “as long as you both shall live.”
For Harry is my light, my love, my world and my soul. And I can’t wait until Harry can hold me in his arms again.