Archive of Our Own

“You were a vision in the morning when the light came through”

When I met him, he was the sun.

Lying in the middle of the street at 9 a.m., sweating and laughing like a mad man, dark hair with darker eyes, dimples at the sides of his cheeks. I felt stuck in a moment that lasted hours, he on the floor, laughing and shinning. I promise his skin glowed that morning, creamy colored, tanned and spotless, his laughter so scandalous at that hour, he didn’t care at all.

I was rooted to my spot on the street, three steps into the asphalt and looking, gaping like a fish. I felt warm, so warm inside, alive. His eyes opened suddenly, still laughing, he saw me. Dark eyes connected with mine and I knew he was meant to meet me there, our paths crossing that morning.
Maybe I was still high, maybe he was high too. But when he stood up he did so with the gracefulness of a cat, so maybe not. He smiles warmly (always so warm) at me and dusts his pants.

“Want to go for coffee?” it was like magic.

We didn’t take long to meet again, he was eager and much too happy to adapt himself to my crazy hours, always smiling and with a million things to tell me, he’s so lovely at night too, when his skin seems pale but is still so warm under the sneaky touches I can get away with. He wishes for a new friend. I long for him so.

“So, you are older, a rapper and a writer, and you work for a company?”

“Something like that, sometimes they pick my songs to give to some idol groups here and there. But I don’t work exclusively with any, it wouldn’t give me enough money to be honest.”

“Mhm, does that mean I have to call you hyung?” I slap him on the arm.

“Yes, and talk formally to me, brat.” I’m smiling, he knows I don’t mean it.

“But hyung! You’re so tiny and cute-!” I put my hand over his mouth and knee him on the crotch. Not too strongly though, he could cry.

I never sleep more than four hours continuously, so I take many walks. I found him one of those nights.

“Hoseok?” I ask, all I can see is his back and the back of his head. He doesn’t turn, and I can see a fist flying to him. I freeze and watch him fight with someone, who won’t quit despite Hoseok landing too many punches in their gut.

“Namjoon quit it!”

“You kissed him! You whore!”

“It wasn’t me! It was Jaebum you piece of trash! Get a grip! You’re always like this when you shot up!”

I make myself useful that moment, I grab Hoseok’s arm and make him take a couple of steps back.

“Kim Namjoon.” I say, stern voice. He looks up. Hoseok was nice to him, no punches on his face. “Fancy seeing you here, kid.”

He seems to shrink under my eyes, and Hoseok breathes heavily next to me.

I met Kim Namjoon years ago, the kid had so much talent he never seemed to stop working. But he met someone who wrapped him up in drugs and dragged him away from his art. I suppose I stopped searching for his face on the bars because I knew he was meant to be on a dark alley with a crew I didn’t want to be involved with anymore.

“Yoongi hyung.” He looks skinny and weak, and high as a kite but not in the good way. He’s shaking all over, eyes looking everywhere and nowhere.

“What’s the matter?” I ask, I expect both of them to answer. Hoseok starts, unsurprisingly.

“This idiot thought I was kissing his guy. Because his man likes to get himself kissed by whoever when he’s high.”

“Shut up! Don’t talk shit about him!”

“You need to quit this. Look at you Joon. What the hell are you doing now?”

“Tae is not-“

“Taehyung is bullshit. Like you-“

“Just ‘cause he left you for me doesn’t mean-“

“You think I care anymore? He was a fucking mess and all the things I tried were for shit, he didn’t give a flying fuck about me, you think you’re different? You only have him ‘cause you know the dealers.”

I never heard Hoseok talk like that, until that moment I thought he wasn’t able to talk like that neither. He looked older, tired, and viciously angry. Namjoon choked on air. “Get yourself in rehab, trash bag. And get back to your songs and shit. That’s your stuff, figure it out.” He grabs my hand and tugs. I pat his back.

“Wait for me at that corner yeah? I’ll be right there.” His eyes are dark and clouded with anger, I’m sure he needed a break, he nods. “Namjoon-“

“I need to go, Tae-“

“Quit it. You’re going home.”

“But-“

“Where’s Taehyung huh? Shouldn’t he be here, defending himself?” Namjoon shakes his head. “Quit him Joon-ah. Go back to your rap.”

“I lost that, I-“

“C’mon, I’m sure Hoseok’s calm down by now. I’ll walk you home.”

“Tae lives with me. He…”

“He brings them to your place?”

“No, he just…sleeps there. I don’t want…I need to apologize to Hoseok I…” he crumbles in front of me, knees on the ground and ugly sobs leaving his throat. I hug him as good as
I can.

Hoseok comes back and wraps himself around Namjoon too. He’s so warm, feels like a summer day in the middle of the night. I imagine Namjoon thinks it too, he sighs into the feeling of his warm hands and arms, clinging to him. He’s like a lost child, and Hoseok is Peter Pan. He offers a new opportunity, I sort of knew. Namjoon had to make a decision.

Later I would find out that Hoseok was the last proper friend Namjoon had left, Taehyung was the reason he isolated himself and got isolated, Taehyung was so hung up in drugs and sex, parties and free drinks, he didn’t care at all who he had to get it with as long as he had a reward.
Hoseok had dated him for a while, and Taehyung wasted it all on Namjoon’s free booze and heroine.

Hoseok never gave up on Namjoon, and Namjoon clung to him for as much as he could.

Days later, that night seemed like a dream. If not for me and Hoseok pushing Namjoon into a rehab centre at the other side of the city.

Hoseok laughing was the soundtrack of my life. He was so happy all the time, he cherished every little thing. The sunny mornings and the rain, the coffee I made for both of us when he stayed over, the chance to practice on the street, the opportunity to teach to young kids, the classes he continued with despite being mixed up in his friends’ business all the time.

He had some weird friends too.

Namjoon was the worst though, that’s the truth. Jin and Jimin were hilarious to be around, they fought constantly and got themselves in trouble far too much. Jin was the oldest, older than me, but with the personality of a child. He clung to Hoseok too, like Namjoon.

Jin had a normal background, nothing sad or worth a trauma, up until his last boyfriend his life was quite alright. His last boyfriend was a cunt who hit him all the time and tried to control his every movement. Jin became paranoid of everything, saw his shadow everywhere. Despite the guy being dead. Died in a car accident that left Jin with a fucked up eardrum. But luckily nothing else.

“Sometimes I still hear his voice, saying I should be making dinner…” he whispers to me one night, at my place, beer on his cup and tears on his eyes. “I let him fuck me up so much, what an idiot…”

“Seok has your back though, is all good.” I tell him. Jin grins blindly, he’s so gorgeous is unfair someone like him had to go through that. No one should go through anything like that though, nobody.

“He does, always will. That’s Hoseok. A shining star in the darkest sky.” He mumbles, falling asleep on the couch.

Jimin is a dancer like Hoseok, but he dreams of becoming a stage actor. He lives for musicals and dance numbers, has one of the prettiest voices I’ve ever heard and the fattest crush on Hoseok in the Universe. It would be funny if not for the burning jealousy I feel whenever he gets Hoseok’s attention for himself, which is quite often.
Jimin doesn’t have a sad story at all, luckily, he just falls in love easily.

“Don’t worry, Jimin never means it for real. We’ll know when he falls in love for real, because he will lose his cool. Right now he likes Hoseok-ah because he’s so nice, they have loads in common and he’s smoking hot. But other than that-“as if that was tranquilizing Jin, thank you very much.
Hoseok doesn’t notice, and Jimin doesn’t push.

The both of them seem to know something I don’t, treat Hoseok with an edge of care and keep a hand on him all the time. I’m too afraid to ask why.

J Hope. He calls himself that on stage. I laugh for 5 minutes straight. Only he would pick such a stage name.
He dances and I feel like the Earth is twisting with his body, the stars rearrange to shine around his head, the moon shines directly on his skin, wearing a white tanktop and shorts in the middle of winter for a performance, only him in a circle of people who came to see. The control he has on his muscles, on his bones, make me unable to breathe until the song is over.

The crowd roars and I choke on my own spit. I think I drooled a bit that night, quite possibly.
When he’s done and I’m done being a statue, I put a sweater over his head while he puts on sweatpants, then I wrap him in the biggest coat I could find in his closet, the warmest too. But he’s burning up, and smiling so bright it feels like midday. It always does when the sun is standing right next to you.

“Have you heard? Jimin went to an audition, to this theatre company that’s supposed to be ultra-important or whatever…” Jin says, as if Jimin didn’t expend last week talking nonstop about it.

“Yeah, he got the answer yet?” Jin nods. He’s smiling and laughing that ugly laugh. Jimin made it, meaning he landed himself a seasonal job. Jin smiles still, and pats my back. I learnt to identify what that means. I text Hoseok to come over soon, Jin sobs in my couch for an hour before I can get him to calm down. He’s anxious. Jimin lives with him, and now he won’t be there anymore all the time and what if-

Is too much for his head, and too much for my own. When Hoseok gets there, panting, he hugs me tight and says thanks before going to Jin and sitting down. He whispers and whispers and whispers things on Jin’s ear. I leave the room to take a long walk.

I feel like Hoseok is the sun, and if he is I am a moon and Jin and Jimin are planets, Namjoon too. I’m insignificant, I take his light and warm in a vain attempt to keep it to myself, I try to keep him for myself when in reality…he’s…he belongs to everyone and everyone belongs to him.

I was never good at sharing, I walk until my legs hurt and is well into the night. I’m freezing, I miss my sun. I sigh, I wish I had my notebook, all this frustration I feel when he shows me his back, all these feelings that get stuck in my throat…would make great lyrics.

I need to go back, but Hoseok finds me first. He hands me a coat, grabs my arm and I don’t want him to. I hate when he does it outside, my head keeps yelling for the million eyes judging us. He tugs and walks faster, my eyes downcast when he sighs, sniffing because is so cold outside.

“You shouldn’t stay out so much Yoongi hyung…” he mumbles. I feel the rage, I try to supress it but it’s been a long day- “Thanks for keeping Jin hyung company. Really, it’s priceless what you did for him. I can’t thank you enough.” The rage vanishes, and I walk faster with him, arm on his arm and the eyes I feel following me look away.
He calms me down like nothing I’ve ever tried, and I tried many things. But he, he’s an exception to everything I’ve thought about myself.

We talk about stupid stuff, he laughs loudly like always, eyes crinkling up, mouth open.

“Help me dye my hair blond.” I say. He nods enthusiastically and then starts rambling about colours and brands and I sigh, basking in the warmth of his hand that is in my own, I
don’t know if I took it or he took mine. It’s fine.

“Oh platinum blond suits you so well Yoongi hyung!” he jumps happily around me, ruffling my hair. It turned out quite good, Hoseok took his sweet time to make it look decent.

“I have a stage soon, so I thought it could make an impact-“

“Like an idol’s comeback?” I freeze and look at him with a death stare. “It was a joke! A joke hyung!” he laughs hysterically and I wonder if he’s high, but he told me once that after
seeing Tae and Namjoon he stays with weed and only once in a while. I suppose it makes sense, he seems high when he’s sober so is not like he needs it. He seems high on life.

“It better was. An idol. Me. What a bad joke.”

“You could though, you could.”

“I’m almost 25 Hoseok, please.”

“You could’ve been, still. You’re cute, talented, and diligent. A hard worker. You could’ve-“

“You too.”

I made a mistake that day. I didn’t know. Back then I didn’t know.

I only saw his eyes get cold suddenly, his expression turn sour, and the little gasp Jimin let out was enough to know I fucked up, somehow.

“Seok-ah?” I asked. He stood up and walked to Jimin, dragged him by the hand outside and left. I didn’t see him for three days.

Jin started therapy short after that episode, and Hoseok started working on a choreography for a girl band in one of the companies I worked for before. He was excited and on edge at the same time. Constantly revising the steps and footwork, checking the music and the tempo, looking at himself in the mirror of his flat, and I watched him. He was fascinating, the way he turned from a dancing machine to a delicate girl rotating his hips in the most feminine way I’ve ever seen, making pouts to the mirror, moving his hands around. I was enthralled. Every time he rehearsed I was right behind him, watching.

“You must be bored of this hyung…” he said, I was enjoying the last minutes of the weak sunlight, the day dying outside, we were just getting started here.

“Not at all.”

“Isn’t it weird? Watching me every day? I mean, I don’t mind at all, on the contrary, you here relaxes me but I feel like it should be strange for you to see me work-“

“I kind of get inspiration from this, for my lyrics.” I blurted that before thinking, Hoseok blushes and looks down, I saw his smile anyway.

“Well then, I hope I can inspire you more…” he presses start and repeats the dance. This time we crossed looks many times, I felt flustered and a bit dizzy from it, the intensity of his stare, the way he moved to the beat, like putting on a show and it was all too much.

I left to take a walk, like I always do. I came back five minutes later, with my head a bit better, and found him on the floor crying.
It was so sudden that I couldn’t prepare.

But you’re never prepared for the crash of the sun.

“He always does this. Over working, keeping all his thoughts to himself, helping everyone so he doesn’t focus on his own troubles…he’s too nice for his own good.” Sighs Jin while we watch Hoseok sleep in his bed.

His room is small and bare, like he barely lives there, but it makes sense because if he’s not with me he’s working or with his friends, so he doesn’t seem to have a lot of free time.

“He never stops. Never ever, and it gets bad sometimes you know? When it turns forced and weird, over the top…” he stops talking, in order to get a glass of water. While he’s gone, I grab Hoseok’s hand and look at him. He seems skinnier, but he looked fine, excited and happy and full of energy. How was I supposed to recognize the signs? Where there any signs? Was I too blind by him that I didn’t look properly?

I’m scared, I feel like I failed and the words are filling my head in capital letters and neon lights, I need out.
I’m letting go of his hand, when he opens his eyes.

“Don’t go, its cold.” He says, voice raspy and small. Leave it to him to watch over others when he’s in a bad state. I stay right in my chair, hand on his, letting the hours pass while he sleeps.
He barely moves, breathing in and out at a slow pace, looking relaxed and young, his skin seems too pale. I stand up to go to the bathroom, and I risk a kiss on his forehead. On the way back I get my notebook and sit down to furiously write down all the words that keep coming to me.

He’s a muse even at his worst, maybe he’s a muse the most right now. I don’t know.

The world keeps on moving, when Jimin does his debut and Jin gets better, and Namjoon gets out of rehab and becomes an addition to our group. Namjoon has purple hair that Hoseok dyed the very same day he got out. He looks skinny as hell but the smile he wears seems a lot more real and whole than the last time I saw him.
He starts working with me right away, the words, much like with me, flow in his mind nonstop telling dark dark stories of his life, he has a way to make it awfully literal and impressive, and also make up metaphors that have me thinking for long minutes. We make songs and Hoseok always seems marvelled at them, as if they’re not about the same things over and over.

“Write a love song Yoongi hyung!” Jimin yells, high on the post stage adrenaline. I scoff at him.

“As if I could. There’s no inspiration for that, love is…not for me.” I tell him, Hoseok’s been seeing someone, some lad of around his dancing circle. He’s young and keen on doing anything Hoseok tells him. He’s new in the circle but not new to dancing. He’s handsome, better looking than all of us but Jin, he keeps a hand on Hoseok’s elbow too much, I sometimes look down the entire time he’s around us until he leaves and his big hand disappears from Hoseok’s body.

He was hired to compose a new choreography for the comeback of a boy group, and when he starts actually working on it with them I barely see him. I feel his absence in every
part of my life, I miss his ugly laugh and his stupid tears because the movie had a bad ending, I miss his puffy eyes in the morning, handing him coffee and him force feeding me toasts and some fruit I never noticed he snuck in my kitchen.

I’m not surprised when one day, I come home from a company and find him and Namjoon waiting outside.

“How did the meeting go?” asks Namjoon, anxious. I smile.

“Better than good. They want more songs. They don’t care if yours or mine or from both of us. They said, literal words, ‘this things are what we were looking for’. So, we kind of have a job for a while.” Namjoon jumps me and Hoseok does too, they laugh and screech and I join, because this is some great news. They stay the night, Hoseok sleeps in my bed, Namjoon on the couch, and I sleep next to Hoseok.

I always sleep dressed, usually with a hoodie and t shirt and loose pants. I’m always cold, too cold, and I don’t turn on the ac on winter because it’s expensive as hell. But that night, I woke up a couple of hours after falling asleep, sweating like a pig with Hoseok plastered to my back. He was sweating too, looked uncomfortably hot but clung to me.
I wanted to stand up, but…I couldn’t with his arms around me. So with careful movements I took off my hoodie and sweatpants. I felt a lot better right away, and he sighed. That night I discovered that Hoseok can do things while he’s asleep. Because he sat, took off his shirt and came back to the same position spooning me, never giving signs of being awake.

When I asked the next morning he told me he tends to do things like that.

“Sometimes I talk hyung, or stand up. I don’t really walk away or stuff like that though.”

The comeback is scheduled in a week, Hoseok comes to my house after he’s done with the group and collapses in my bed. After that first night he sleeps in my house, in my bed, and leaves before I wake up. He leaves sticky notes on the table in the kitchen, asking me to eat something and work hard and that he’ll probably crash at 3 in the morning, luck on his side.
I’m barely at the house, I go to the company where I have a nicer studio, and work. I properly work, using my memories of him as inspiration, I evoke his smile and his rage, his tears and frustration. I let myself get plagued by the feelings I work so hard to supress when he’s around. Is almost cathartic, being able to vomit my feelings in the form of words. Some are good enough to submit. Most of them get accepted after revision, and I get paid so much for them that I’m always surprised. Namjoon is dancing around a bad crew again, there’s the word that Taehyung is there, but Hoseok is busy.

“Namjoon? Come to the studio.” I tell him, one night. There’s no off hours inside this building, everybody is always rushing to meet a deadline and it should be stressful but it makes me feel sort of at home. I rush to meet deadlines too, I rush away from stuff. Namjoon whines and complains but follows, he sits down to work on some beats, sighing far too often for me to concentrate.

“The fuck is wrong with you?”

“I saw him. It’s been like a year since the last time…” he puts the headphones down. I sigh and drop the pen. “He looked…awful.” His eyes look distant, there’s a sad tilt on his mouth. I would hug him, if I was Hoseok. I pat his shoulder. “He saw me and…he shined, for a second. And then came back to being…whatever he is right now…I just…I’m so afraid for him. He doesn’t have anybody anymore. No one good, like Hoseok was to me, like you were on those days…”

“Does that mean you want to be the good guy? Or you want to join him down there?”

“I don’t think he ever loved me, I don’t think I ever loved him neither. It was a fucked up relationship that was fun when we were high…it was the best when we were tripping. I thought I could touch the sky on his skin…sometimes.” I sigh and scribble down that phrase he just said. “I need to get him out of that.”

“Namjoon, I don’t understand shit to be honest, but we have to finish four more songs, we have to get four more songs approved and you’re rambling. Write something down or mix up some shit, work. I brought you here for that man, help me.”

“You don’t need help Yoongi hyung, the stuff you do keeps being top.” He smiles, dimple on his cheek and that annoying cheeky look on his eyes. I punch him on the arm and go back to my things.

After the comeback Hoseok has virtually nothing to do for days. He sleeps like the dead for 2 and then gets a phone call from the company I’m working with right now, asking for an interview. I’m not surprised, the choreo is insanely good and distinctive, and obviously somebody was bound to notice there was someone like him out there with no ties and try to snatch him. He groans and goes anyway, dressed nicely with a bright smile on.
It would’ve been a great day.

But Taehyung came in between. Overdose and death hanging over his head, Namjoon in hysterics and Jin’s car going too fast to the closest hospital. There’s three of us waiting, Hoseok comes straight for Namjoon and sits down to wipe his face. Namjoon is in some sort of shock, but refuses to let the nurses treat him.

“Joon-ah you got him here on time. That’s all that matters.” He mumbles, I suppose he’s right. I leave with Jin to bring them food and take some fresh air. I hate hospitals so much, Jin too.

Taehyung makes it, but barely. We spend three days in and out of the hospital for the kid, who literally has no one in the city but us. His parents live at the other side of the country and don’t speak to him, no friends, and no relatives.

I get to meet him the day he’s released with the forms for application to a rehabilitation centre in his trembling hand.

The kid looks like an alien to be sincere. His head is weirdly shaped, he’s an skeleton walking, his voice is deep but sounds dead, void eyes, dark like Hoseok’s, his ears are quite big too. But he’s undeniable attractive, even like this. For some reason, he clings to Hoseok too.

For some awful reason too, I burn in jealousy every time they touch, even knowing that Hoseok’s there for Namjoon and not the kid, if I know we’re dropping him off and Jin is driving us to his house and then Hoseok will probably sleep at mine. I shake, I can’t breathe properly.
I felt it coming and excused myself. Hoseok kept looking at me with those eyes, screaming at me not to go. But I had to.

It’s been a while since I walked this streets. It’s barely six and there’s drunk guys everywhere. Good. Great. I’m looking for a fight. Somebody’s bound to want one too.
I enter a bar that’s open, probably the only one in the street, all heads turn to me and I order three shots of tequila. I need to make my mind stop. It’s driving me insane, and maybe a while ago I would’ve called someone to get me some pills or acid. But now…after seeing the bad side of it all I kind of want to stay away. But alcohol and fights are good too.

By the fifth shot I’m drunk enough to stumble out, I feel eyes following me. Maybe someone wants to rob me? I don’t really know. All I know is I’m drunk and Hoseok’s eyes keep burning in my mind, the unshakable feeling of his chest on my back, his laughter on my ears. I left my notebook. But I can’t even hold the pen, so it’s not a big deal. I walk around and sigh, it’s maybe seven, if that. There’s an alley around the corner, if I remember correctly. I got beat up there once…maybe if I get lucky I can-

My phone rings with Hoseok’s voice screeching. He put that ringtone as his personal one himself, so I would know it was him and answer. I thought it was obnoxious but since he never calls I forgot to change it. I look at the screen where his face making a weird pout is, and I sigh. I reject the call and keep walking. I hear footsteps, about to turn around the phone rings again. I close my eyes and reject the call. He calls again right away, I’m tempted to turn off the phone. So I do.

After I did, I turn around and there’s two guys waiting. I snort.

“Two against one? Kind of unfair don’t you think?” they smirk.
I’m good at fighting, but I’m not strong. So I get beat up quite good, I knocked one of them out, and the other ended up more or less like me, dragging his friend away. I sat down on the alley, feeling my jaw hurt, my nose bleed, my eye swell. It felt so great, the pain was so…that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I laughed brokenly, I needed to sleep a bit before going home. I had work to do… a nap would do.

I wanted to set an alarm. I was lucky they wanted to fight and fight only, no desire to steal, ‘cause I kept my phone, there was a crack on the screen that wasn’t there before, but it still worked.

After I turned it on I remembered why I switched it off. I had 33 texts and 20 missed calls from Hoseok. Texts and missed calls from the boys too, obviously spurred on by Hoseok. I was about done with the alarm when the phone rang again.

A new surge of rage filled me when I saw his face looking at me. The crack was almost in the middle of the screen, going over his left eye. I wanted to smash the phone down and-

“What?” I answer like that. Hoseok breathes out on the other side of the line. I shiver.

“I thought-where are you? You left looking like-I was worried and then you turned off your phone-“

“None of your business Hoseok, you have stuff to do let me-“

“Taehyung is not stuff I have to do. I dropped him off and I left straight for your house, Namjoon was at the studio but you’re not there neither. Where are you? You looked-“

“I looked like what? Can’t you leave me alone? You’re suffocating me man, we’re friends not a fucking couple.”

I regret the words the second they leave my lips.

“I’m sorry.” He says before hanging up.

“Shit.” I get up and drag myself through the streets to a public bathroom, where I wash my face and then I wait for the bus. Dizzy and about to puke I ride home, and crash on my bed.

He was everywhere, like the sun he touched every part of my life, filling it with light and warmth. Making things grow.

Now he was gone and I was in the dark all over again.

Namjoon was still with me, and he kept bugging me about what I did. Because he knew it was me.

“He’s so extra but he would never do shit to hurt anybody, so it was you. You pushed him away?” I flinch. “Yoongi hyung-“

“Shut up ok, I’m working. Do the same.”

The songs I write are violent, dark, bloody, honest and raw. I produce track after track, accepting feedback and modifying them if I think it would improve them. I get assigned a three people group. They’re quite young, but they’re cool guys and are into rapping almost as much as I am. They look like little kids on Christmas when I show them the songs. One of them writes too and is confident enough to show me his lyrics, so we work together into making a new song for those as well.

That song gets accepted as well and the kid legit cries to me saying thank you. I suppose that being an idol who is not allowed to do shit with their own looks, sound, dances, actions, makes you react so strongly to getting something of your own accepted to go through the public. They’re good kids, all younger than me, and really talented. Their group consists of two pseudo-rapper who sing really good and a rapper who can’t sing to save his life. They’re insane dancers too, their routines strong and powerful, great performers live.

“The choreographer is so weak. The things he wants us to dance like, the song is supposed to be different we can’t dance like this-“

“Leo?”

“Is really similar to another idol group’s choreo, and is weak. Your song is so cool, real and heartfelt and he wants us to just, ugh.” He’s frustrated, I can tell. When they show me the steps I can see why.

“Isn’t there a team of choreographers behind you?”

“Yeah and no. Not for this stages. Is all preliminary, and we are not satisfied with it but…everything else looks wrong too.”
My mind wanders to Hoseok. So I decide to take a risk and mention to my boss that Hoseok could mix up things for the boys. He’s a great boss, so I know he’ll consider it after seeing the distressed faces of the kids.

Hoseok gets called three days later, comes inside the agency with eyes dull but a firm smile on his face. He means business, even if he looks paler than before, subdued, darker.
I sigh, hiding in a corner just listening to his voice. He works the entire day in a routine that he shows to the boys after. He only has a couple of steps but it already looks better. The kids take a liking to him right away, and practice the steps alongside. Hoseok smiles genuinely at them when is his time to leave.
I sat down to listen to them go over the lines over and over, record verse after verse, and I wrote down the things I felt when Hoseok walked through the door. I recall his eyes and the bags under them, his slumped shoulders and sad tilt to the mouth. I did that. Well, I think it’s because of me. I wish I could make it better but…how do you apologize for something like that?

I don’t plan on it, I just run into him in the bathroom. He freezes and pales, I choke on air.

“Hey…” I start. His eyes fill up with tears and he just…

Hugs me. He hugs me so tight I can’t breathe, he holds onto me as if I will disappear from his grasp if he lets go even a little. He sniffles on my neck, clutching onto the back of my hoodie, breathing in. After the initial shock I hug him back, the same strength, I hide my face on his shoulder and breathe in his scent, I feel like coming home after long days of work.

“I’m sorry Seok-ah. I was an idiot.” He sniffles again.

“You were. I missed you.” I kiss his cheek carefully. He pulls apart a bit, and smiles.

“I missed you too, so much-“he hugs me again, his mouth presses to the side of my face and I can feel the smile. I smile too. “I’m so sorry. I won’t do it again, I won’t, I promise.” He nods twice, his hands on my hair and the small of my back, mine on his shoulders, if feels so intimate and right that I wished I could stay in that moment for the rest of eternity. He shines in the ugly bathroom lights like the day I met him, I almost had to look away.

“So I owe you my job?” he comments later, when he finds out I suggested him for the choreography planning.

“Not really, I just mentioned you were different and-“

“You knew I was working with other group, so why mention me?”

“I hoped you could come anyway. They’re good kids, and you’re the best dancer I know so…” Hoseok flushes, warmly smiles at me. I feel so alive when he does.

“You’re fond of them then? Despite your beliefs on the industry?” I sigh.

“They are good kids. And they work hard, everything they get they deserve you know? Like…they’re just good kids. I truly hope they get far.”

“Maybe they’ll give you a permanent job as their producer.” He jokes, I smile.

“And you the official director of choreography?” he smiles, there’s a hint of longing on his dark eyes, I’m confused. Then we move onto darker places.

“Taehyung relapsed. It was expected, but he did and…I’m thinking of taking him back to the centre. But if I do I have to pay for it myself since Namjoon can’t…if he wasn’t such an…aish.” He finishes, letting out a sigh of frustration.

“You need money?”

“No, not like that. I wish I could just-I don’t know, find his parents or something.”

“Maybe he has a stash. Saved somewhere, that you can sell.”

“He did, but he probably used that to…this time.”

“Ask Namjoon? Ask him? Where is he?”

“In my apartment. I locked him inside, probably destroyed all my shit. I don’t even know anymore Yoongi. He’s…my ex, on top of that he cheated with one of my friends, I almost lost said friend to drugs in part because of him, and he’s nothing but trouble. I…I think I’ve reached my limit of being nice. I truly feel so down dealing with him. He doesn’t want to get better, but I don’t feel okay watching him waste away…you think I’m stupid?”

I have to think about it before answering. He looks defeated, sad, drained, nothing like minutes ago. I truly despise Taehyung more than ever, for taking the light away from his eyes, the smile from his face. I sigh.

“You’re too nice. I don’t think you could leave him all alone to be honest. But still, he doesn’t deserve your care. Or Namjoon’s. And if he doesn’t want to get better, he won’t Seok. That’s the thing, I’ve been there, and if you don’t want out, you don’t get out.” I get up and hug him again, selfish of me for desiring his warm when he’s in such a state. But still.

“You can…uhm, you live alone right? Before Taehyung?”

“Yeah, I could afford it. Is just that-“

“Listen, my place is awful but bigger right? We can do something and you can come to live with me for a while, if you’re gonna pay for his bills I mean…” Hoseok looks up at me, and smiles.

“You’re so generous Yoongi-hyung. I’ll think about it.”

It never happens, because Taehyung’s parents come to him. They find Hoseok and offer to pay all the costs for his readmission to the rehab place. They look embarrassed, but Hoseok is nothing but nice to them and accepts their offer right away. Taehyung gets sent away and Namjoon breathes better knowing he’s in a safe place.
We continue working together, I write and write, Hoseok thinks up dances to my songs and we spend a lot of time together. We form some sort of routine, me and my insane hours, Hoseok and his own, we even have time to drag Jin and Namjoon out many times, Jimin joins when he can. Then the kid reappears.

“Oh shit.” Says Jin, and moves faster to the side. I don’t understand anything, but I try to keep up. Jin puts himself on the left side of Hoseok, and I flank his right side; Hoseok is tense but keeps a firm smile on his face.

“Jin-hyung?” I ask, at a loss. Hoseok turns his face to me and shakes his head. I’ll ask later. The kid comes to stand in front of Hoseok, and he’s tense but not too tense. I still don’t relax.
“Hello, how are you?” he asks politely. But his eyes are trained in Hoseok. Who smiles and answer, shoulders stiff, my hand on the small of his back and Jin’s around his arm. “Can we talk?” he asks suddenly. Hoseok tenses for real this time. I look at the kid with the ugliest look I can muster.
“Jung-“

“Please. Just five minutes.” He begs.

“Jungkook I honestly don’t think is a good idea. I mean, we always-“

“I won’t mention it. Please. Is important.”
Hoseok sighs, and once again I think he’s being too nice. He nods, Jin drops his hand and I drop mine.

“Oh, I never introduced myself properly did I? How rude, my name is Jeon Jungkook.” I flinch, but I take his hand.

“Min Yoongi. By the way, I’m way older so…honorifics, kids.” He blushed furiously and takes his hand away. A formal apology, honorifics included, a pissed Hoseok and a laughing Jin that goes with me is all I’ve got left from that meeting.

“You totally put him in his place, that was awesome Yoongi!” Jin cheers, we meet Jimin at their place and have some takeout because we’re hungry again while we wait. Hoseok takes an hour to come back, and by that time I’m already climbing the walls.

“They have history, you know? Those two…but it’s not my place to tell.” Jin tells me, and again he’s everything but helpful.

“Well, you should tell me regardless. Or I’ll tell Hoseok how you wouldn’t stop looking at the kid.” Is a bad move, mean on my part, but I’m frustrated and jealous. Jin blushes, looks down, and then up.

“I admit I was looking. He’s really handsome isn’t he? There’s nothing wrong with looking, Yoongi-yah.” He’s confident, eyes resolved and holding my look. I’m proud of him.

“I’m proud of you hyung.” I blurt, and I watch him turn red. Is quite funny. He throws a cushion to my face.

As soon as Hoseok enters the house, which Jimin opened for him, he grabs my hand and takes me to Jin’s bedroom wordlessly. I’m scared, because he hasn’t said anything and Hoseok is always talking, a thousand things to say, but now he’s muted and looking down, shoulders tense and his skin is cold.

He sits down on the bed, I sit on a chair.

“I need to tell you everything. And I will. But not today. Today I need you to hug me and tell me I won’t end up jobless on the streets after I’m forty.” I’m so puzzled, but I do as he asks right away. I whisper things to him, how amazing he is, how talented, how lucky the agency is to have him, how inspirational he is, and I hug him. He hugs me back, I hear a different voice in the house.

“Did he-“ Hoseok says, before standing up abruptly. He walks out the door, and I follow. Jungkook is there. He look stupidly good in the middle of the living room, a long coat and light brown hair tousled by the wind, Jin is in front of him and Jimin at a side, both of them with shocked looks.

“Hoseok hyung, I swear it’s not like that this time. I mean, the agency truly wants you back and-“

“I told you I’m not going back-“

“You can rap and you can dance and that’s what we want! That’s what the group needs-“

“At this point you shouldn’t need shit Kook. Why aren’t you on a stage yet? You’re almost twenty, idols don’t debut at that age.” He spits the words, like that night with Namjoon, I’m more confused than ever.

“I won’t-is different! We are a different kind of-“

“Jesus you ate up all their shit Kook! They took your best years. Look at you Jungkook. Where’s the kid you were?” Jungkook’s eyes shine with unshed tears.

“Hyung-“

“They made you into this for nothing kid. Now stop putting yourself in my life. I left and I have a job now, so get out and away. There is no contract holding me back-“

“There’s no contract if you don’t accept!” he yells. He slumps on the couch.

“I’m sorry Kook. I won’t.” the kid sighs. Stands up, and looks at Hoseok with such rage filled eyes that I want to punch him. Nobody has ever looked at Hoseok that way.

“You’re always selfish.” He says, before turning around and leaving.
It’s silent for minutes, before I go to Hoseok and put my arms around him, he sighs and hugs me back, Jin and Jimin join soon. The group hug ends when Hoseok asks me to take him home.

We walk, shivering in the cold, and he looks far away from there.

“Seok?”

“I’ll tell you soon ok? Let’s just leave it at ‘I worked for an agency and left’ for now yeah?” I grab his hand, and nod. He smiles softly, and leans into me. Hoseok sleeps at my place that day, in my bed, clinging to my back, and I lay awake for hours, thinking about Jungkook’s last look at Hoseok. So much anger. For what?

Namjoon gets assigned a new project, Jimin has a new play, Jin works, Taehyung is still in rehab, Hoseok gets a permanent contract in the agency. He’s so happy for an entire week is hard to be next to him without smiling. His mind reels with new moves and step sequences that he excitedly shows to me. I play some of my rough songs to him, and he easily makes up moves for them. That’s when I notice.

“You can rap?” Jungkook said it, but I never heard Hoseok rap until then. Singing, yes, good singing and fooling around singing, but never rapping.

“I don’t like it anymore. I used to…love it. Almost as much as dancing. I lived for rap. I tried it all at the agency. I wanted a spot. So I learnt as much as I could. But your style of rapping is the coolest one Yoongi, its so good-“

“You rap a lot like me, but it sounds nicer, less violent-“he smiles.

“But that’s bad, your songs are not meant for smiling, are they?” I look at him surprised, we sit down in silence.

For years, all I’ve wrote about has been dark feelings, frustration, hatred, exhaustion, broken dreams and broken hearts, betrayal, anguish. I’ve transformed all the bad into songs to be sang with a curl on the mouth and a hoarse voice.

“I’ll write a song for you, one that fits you better.” He laughs.

“What for hyung?”

“Just so I can hear you rapping at your best.” He smiles, and kisses my cheek with an obnoxious sound. I groan and punch him on the shoulder, he’s looking at me with these eyes sparkling, laughter stuck in the air, his hair is pink, he looks so incredible at eleven a.m with bags under his eyes and coffee stains on his shirt. I’ve never been so in love in my life. I’ve never loved anyone like this neither, so selflessly, expecting nothing at all and just loving being by his side, enjoying his warmth and company.

“I will rap for you, if that’s what you want.” He sighs, sitting down again. “I’ll tell you all too, if you want. I think I’m ready. Is not that I don’t trust you, is just that…I don’t like thinking back. I need to focus on the now and the future. Past is past yeah? It hurts sometimes, but…you’ll get it…”

I nod. I wait.

“I became a trainee at one of the biggest agencies when I was fifteen. They saw me dance, and called me up. I thought I could make it, I worked my entire life for it, I lived for the dream of being an idol, a star. I learned to sing, I danced until I couldn’t move, I did all this skin care routines and worked out to keep a good body, I was put in a group and tested. It didn’t work out and I was put behind for a couple of years, I still worked as hard as I could because I wanted it, and I knew I could get it, and when I got it, it was going to be worth all the sacrifices.” He chuckles, I notice the tears on his eyes, he takes a deep breath. “I was put into a new group, with five other dudes and Jungkook. They all were younger, and they didn’t like the fact that I could dance better than them, like, a lot better. Apart from Jungkook the other five couldn’t follow at all. They were good singers, and there was only one rapper, so they asked me to rap. I threw myself into training that right away, I worked hard and got it more or less right. We were so ready, I can still see my face in that final reunion. When they told the manager that I was dragging them down. And that I was too old, annoying, ugly, and talentless, so I should be left in the back. The manager said yes to everything, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t, after all those years of waiting, practising, working. I loved rapping, I loved dancing, and I could do it well, I could be at the front, I deserved it. But they called me ugly and I didn’t have a comeback for that. You know the industry, is harsh about looks. I got a nosejob you know? It’s quite obvious. I don’t like it that much now, but it’s done. I wanted to fit so badly. I wanted to debut and be famous and have fans, people chanting my name, loving me. But I felt betrayed.” Hoseok fists his hands, looks at me dead in the eyes. “I was there for years. Years Yoongi, and they just never cared enough to get me nothing. I said no, they fired me, I got jobless and ended up dancing on the streets. I danced on the streets and got some money, some gig here and there, and then we met. The group never debuted, Jungkook blames me. I suppose he, like me, believed the agency wanted him enough to find a solution. But as you can see they gave him an ultimatum, since my name has been going around again. He either gets me to sign with them or he’s out. Kookie doesn’t know anything better you know? He was scouted at sixteen, and put in the group right away, poor thing.” He sighs, rests his head on my shoulder. “I would do it again. I worked hard, I deserved it, and after all I don’t feel like I wasted my chance. Look where I am.”

“Hoseok?”

“Yes?”

“I’m happy you left there. It was awful, what they did to you. Nobody deserves that. You deserve the world, you are so talented, even if you’re not on the stage yourself, I hope you know.”

“I know. And I can get on stages, I can dance for someone else’s stage, I got a couple of offers and everything. You opened so many doors for me Yoongi hyung. I owe it all to you.”

We hug for long moments, we fall asleep like that.

After that night, we become even closer if that was possible. Jin jokes with me that we’re married and I shove him away.

“Heard the kid got fired?” Jin looks at me with big eyes. “I know you’ve been seeing him, stop pretending. Jimin can’t keep secrets.” He sighs, looking down. “Is not weird, I promise, is not even that many years.” He giggles.

“I’ve been seeing him, but is not like that. Not yet at least, he’s quite heartbroken and angry. He wasted years there, like Hoseok did. That agency is really one of the worsts, they didn’t even try to relocate him. This group or nothing, they said. He’s lost, but you know, I took him to a couple auditions, and even if he grumbles that he’s the oldest, I’m sure someone will see how talented and all the training he’s done. The agency will regret letting him go, count on that.” I chuckle.

“They should’ve learned from Hoseok.” Jin nods, and move on.

Taehyung is out of rehab again, this time he looks like a completely different person. There’s people waiting for him, and he runs straight to Hoseok’s arms. I feel that surge of jealousy all over again, but I supress it.

“You saved my life.” He says, and cries a bit. He looks at Jungkook then moves to hug everyone else, Namjoon’s hug is the longest, and it makes us all feel kind of awkward.
No one knows how or why, but Taehyung ends up living in Hoseok’s apartment with Namjoon, and Hoseok moves in with me because is too much.

“He’s my ex, is like he completely forgot.” He says, a weird twist in his mouth.

“You’re jealous?” I ask, my hands shake a bit. He snorts.

“As if. Is just weird, he’s an ex. And I’m sure they’re nothing but friends now, but still. Is weird. Comfort me hyung!” he yells, and I sigh.

I’m not having good days lately, even if Hoseok is around, there’s a cloud over my eyes and heart, I keep writing and rewriting the same phrases over and over. Like a loop.

“I need some air.” I mumble, before grabbing a coat and leaving.

While I walk, I wish I had a joint or too. I wish I could stop wishing for Hoseok. Hoseok’s eyes on me, his hands on me, his lips on me. It’s been so long, and he’s still the same bright human I met that day. The magic is still there, drawing me in, closer to him, his laughter rings in my ears despite the distance, I see him every day and I enjoy every moment we spend together. But…I’m me. And I’m selfish.

I don’t think I will ever stop wanting him. All for me. Is quite dangerous, when I get like this. I’m so in the mood for a couple of shots, maybe a good sniff-probably not. Maybe a fight? Maybe just going to the studio and try to work? I end up doing that, noticing how old I’m getting. I’d rather be in my warm studio eating instant cup ramen and napping than outside getting drunk.

I stay at the studio for days. My phone keeps getting calls, but I don’t really want to answer.
The shake in my hands is still there, and when I close my eyes I see flashes of Hoseok’s lips moving, of his arms flexing, I hear his voice, his breathing while he’s deep asleep, I see his feet moving to a complicated step sequence. I pour thoughts and thoughts into paper.
For the first time in my life, I write a love song. It’s rough and a bit violent, but it’s honest. Sincere, heartfelt, raw. All I feel is there, in words. I sigh deeply, and I get up to go home.

When I get there, Hoseok’s out. I take a long shower, I cry and scrub myself until my skin’s red, I feel so ugly and filled to the brim with industrial waste. I’m nothing, I’ve been nothing all this time. How could someone like him…like this thing that I am? It doesn’t matter the songs I put out, the work I do, I’m still the ugly voice in unheard demos, I’m still a failure. Scared of the underground, scared of big stages.
Hoseok gets home in a blur of blue hair and blue contacts. I’m so surprised that I can’t breathe. He looks surprised to see me as well.

“Oh hyung, I was not expecting you…Namjoon said you were in the studio today too.” He says, and it sounds so off, so formal and distant.

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer.” He looks at me.

“Its fine, I mean, work is work.” I’m sitting down on the couch, I shrink at his words. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t. “I’m going to shower. Want take out for dinner?” I nod, eyes down. I think I’m going to cry soon. I turn on the TV and put it loud, just to have some background noise, my head is too loud again. I rub my eyes and he comes back to the living room smelling like my shower gel and warm water.

“Were you at work?”

“Yeah, I was casted to be in a music video, it was a fun shoot, two days. It was like, water and mermen and stuff. Dancing on a pool was quite the challenge, but I had lots of fun. I think I did a good job. What about you? Are you done?” he asks so casually, as if is the most normal thing for us not seeing each other for four days.

“Not really I…I should go again tomorrow.” I need out, but…it feels lovely to be next to him. I’m so weak, despite the way I feel I bask on his warmth and shine, like a starved plant.

“Well, work is work.”

“Are you mad?” he tenses his jaw.

“I won’t lie. I am a bit mad because, you could’ve texted. But if it’s like Namjoon said, then it’s all good.”

“What did he say exactly?” Hoseok turns his head, dark eyes focusing on me.

“That you probably needed a break from me.”

For a moment I’m at a loss.

“What? What does that mean?” Hoseok snorts.

“He said, literal words, ‘He’s never liked people that’s loud and outgoing and like, all up in your life, he gets frustrated and shuts them out’, which, you’ve done before and it makes sense right? Like, I don’t know any of your friends-“

“I don’t have other friends. I never cared about keeping friends, you guys are the first ones. I don’t…I didn’t need a break from you, you’re like, I would never need a break from you.”

“Oh really? Because it really looks like it when you leave your own house to live on a tiny studio as if what’s in your house is the reason why you need to be out.” I notice the hurt on his eyes, the anger on the bite of his words.

“It had…it wasn’t like that okay? Not everything is about you Hoseok-“

“Yeah I got that already, everything is about you.” He stands up and goes to his room. I follow.

“What the hell was that? Since when-“

“Do you even-Yoongi I just, I need you to talk to me and that’s like, the last thing you always do. Is like you’d rather do anything but talk about your feelings-“

“Not everyone is as open as you and your friends are!”

“My friends? Are they not your friends anymore?”

“You know what I mean Hoseok c’mon.” he turns around.

“I actually don’t, because you never talk to me about ‘feelings’ Yoongi. I always come and tell you how I’m feeling, and you keep it all inside to pour into songs. And then I listen, and its…”

“What. What is it?”

“Dangerous. There’s anger and sadness and such…darkness in your songs. Like you’re this…trapped man inside the darkest labyrinth of feelings. Like you’re living a nightmare
and I wonder if you are. If inside your head everything is so dark and cold that us being here is driving you more and more away from us.”

I’m stunned into silence. I never thought my songs could make him think that way.

“Hoseok, is never…never like that okay? You guys are the best and I’m grateful to have you. Even if I don’t show it often, you guys are the best thing in my life. Is not your fault, nothing is your fault.”

“It seems like it. You keep…walking away.” He sits down on the bed.

“Why…I don’t deal well with feelings but, is not like that. I promise.”

“I can tone it down, I can be less annoying, more quiet, I’ll stop meddling in your life-“

“Hoseok I swear to God I don’t care that you’re loud or obnoxious or all up in my business, that’s you and I like you the way you are okay? We’re best friends Hoseok, if I didn’t like you being you it’ll be pointless. You like me with all my stuff too, it goes both ways.” I sit down next to him and hug him. He sniffles on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry I’m obnoxious I know, I’ll try to keep it down and behave-“

“I don’t want you to behave, I need you like this, this is the Hoseok I like, this is the guy that kicks my ass in the morning to get up and move, you’re the one that drags me outside to live instead of napping all day. You’re you and I need you this way.” He looks at me with tears about to fall from his eyes, he looks at me as if he never saw me before. I feel this need to thumb at the corner of his eyes and kiss him.

“Yoongi-hyung. I missed you Yoongi.” He ends up saying, before hugging me tight.

That night we sleep together again, and in the morning there’s coffee on my mug and a ray of sunshine on my kitchen.

After the talk, we tiptoe around each other a bit, as if re learning how to get along, as if to retrace some lines, but it gets old real soon and we’re again sharing every possible moment together in no time.
I still get the urge to bolt from the house, and more often than not I do, but I come back soon, he’s always waiting. Jin and Jungkook start dating for real, Jimin found himself a girlfriend, Namjoon too, and apparently spring is the season of love.

Hoseok seems distracted lately, making up dances for songs that are far too cheesy for his movements. Sometimes he seems to be floating, never touching the floor. Other times he seems to be liquid, the way his muscles work seem unreal. Again I sit to watch and write. Despite being plagued with want, frustration, love and hate, I am the happiest I’ve been. I treasure the routine and his company, I treasure his eyes on me and his smile, soft to me over a steaming cup of coffee, him passing me the last slice of pizza, cooking together, nights out with the boys that end with him pressed to my side when he gets tired of dancing.
Is then that I start to notice, that he gets offers to dance and to leave the place with people but he turns them all down. He dances, never too far away from where we’re sitting, and then comes back with a sweaty forehead and a bright smile. He insists to make us all dance, we usually do, all together, forming an awkward circle that Jin and Jungkook leave soon after to dance together. Namjoon is awful at dancing so Jimin keeps him entertained otherwise he’ll go back to sit. Hoseok dances with me then, never too close, but close enough. Is a bittersweet torture.

Then it happens. One night out, drunk out of our minds, a girl comes onto me and I pretend that I’m interested because Hoseok’s been dancing with some guy for a couple of songs already. Namjoon looks at me puzzled, as if I grew a new head. Jin shakes his head, but I dismiss it all. I dance, let her grind onto me, laugh with her at my own clumsiness while moving. There’s this song playing, too slow for a club, and I’m shaken when arms snake around me, I look back in alarm but it’s Hoseok. He moves behind me, his body glued to mine, his hands on my hips pushing me back, until we’re grinding. I’m so surprised I don’t really reject the touch.

“Say it louder, say it louder, who’s gonna touch you like me?” he whispers in my ear. I close my eyes and let him do whatever, I follow his lead when he turns me around, face to face “I’ll always be there for you boy I have no shame.” He sings looking at me straight in the eyes. I’m dizzy with all. His body pressed to mine, his scent, his eyes burning with jealousy so clear in his touch, a hand on the nape of my neck and the other dangerously low on my back pushing me closer to him, we move in synch to the last beats to the song and I sigh on his neck, he shivers. Is a dangerous game. His hand moves to tangle in my hair, my mouth opens when he tugs softly, I thrust up and listen to his grunt. Is too much, he pushes my face away from his neck and looks at me.

“We’re drunk.” He states. I nod along, he takes my hand and tugs me back to our table. Everyone looks at us weirdly and is awkward as hell. Is even worse when I trip and land on his lap. He sits me down properly on his lap and puts his arms around me, I feel awfully smug about it, seeing the guy Hoseok danced with move away with a scowl.

His words keep haunting me.

“We’re drunk.
We’re drunk.
We’re drunk.”

I was drunk, he was drunk. But…I still feel his hand on my hair, the touch of his body against mine, the heat between us.
It becomes the only thing I can think about, I’m constantly daydreaming about it, my desire for him only grows. I watch him in the practice room, showing the new choreography to the kids, laughing at their failure to copy it, I focus on his laughter and the crinkle of his eyes. He’s so beautiful.

That very same night, we share a big bowl of ramen and watch some movie that I don’t remember because I was concentrated on his legs over mine. It’s getting worse and worse, to hide it. It’s been so long, too long.

It was bound to explode in my face. And of course, Taehyung was going to be the cause.

Me coming home from work, and finding him snuggled up to Hoseok on my couch, in my house. I snapped.

“What the hell is he doing here?” I say, before I can rethink my words. Hoseok turns to me, Taehyung smiles sheepishly, as if I just caught them-

“He came with Namjoon, he’s in the bathroom-“

“He’s not welcome in my house.”

“I didn’t know, I’m sorry I’ll ask them to leave-“

“Namjoon can stay, he can’t.” Hoseok looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Taehyung smirks. He’s enjoying this.

“Yoongi-hyung, we’re about to leave Namjoon just needed-“

“I don’t care, it’s eleven p.m and I should be able to come home and-“

“Chill out we’re going out, just waiting Joonie to finish his hair.” I snarl at him.

“Nobody’s talking to you, kid.” He snorts. Hoseok slaps his arm, I look at them, at Taehyung giving him a grin and Hoseok’s eyes softening a bit. Is just so much, I feel like puking, so I turn around and run.

Is so dumb, running like a kid in the night, escaping from my own feelings of despair, of those dark eyes giving someone else that look, of that hand on someone else’s arm. I run but out of shape as I am is not too far. Hoseok catches me by the arm.

“Hyung! Please stop running, what’s going on? I don’t understand anything!” he’s out of breath, his hair all over the place, not wearing a coat, cheeks red from the effort.

A heartbeat passes.

Another one.

Before I say it.

“I’m in love with you.”

Time stops. It feels like time stops.

“Sorry, what?” I laugh bitterly and yank my arm from his hold.

“I said, I’m in love with you.”

“You-“

“As in ‘I want to date and wake up to your face for the rest of my life’ kind of love. Just so we’re clear, that kind of love. Jesus fuck, I’ve been…supressing feelings for so long. Shit, I love you, I love you so much you bastard. I love you, your awful laugh and your big teeth, the dimples on your cheeks and the colour of your skin, I love your smell, your voice, your story. I love you, you and only you. Fuck.” I sit down on the sidewalk and put my head on my hands. “I’ve been in love with you for so long I don’t think I remember what it was like not to be. I love breakfast together, and movie nights, I love sleeping together, and your texts at night when I stay at the studio but you’re worried so you text. I love that you use my shower gel and my shampoo, I love you stealing my clothes and making the most perfect cup of coffee just for me. I love your big heart, I love your honesty, I just…I love you Hoseok. So much.”

I don’t look. I don’t expect anything. But I said it and I feel empty. Properly empty, like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Minutes pass. I feel him sit down next to me.

“I don’t expect anything from you, we’re best friends and I tried not to ruin the friendship but tonight was just-“

“Was it Taehyung?” I snort.

“Not really, it’s been hard. He’s just a little shit and the last thing I needed to actually burst. I’m sorry I couldn’t…keep it inside.” He gets closer.

“Look at me.” He asks, his voice is serious. So here it comes, the rejection. I square my shoulders and look at him. His smile is blinding, like the sun at midday, but at midnight. I’m confused. “I love you too.”

“What?”

“I’m in love with you too. But is…fairly recent. After our last fight, and the talk we had, I’ve been feeling different. I can’t stand the thought of you with someone else, and I love being with you so much, I want us to be closer, I want to…touch you and call you mine and be able to be my stupid self with you because…when we’re together I feel like I could do anything. Because we understand each other. You’re my inspiration, to move forward and be better, and you have so much patience with me, you make me feel like what I am is okay, whatever it is, loud or quiet, perfect or not, that I can fully trust you into accepting me and…I want to make you smile forever. Seeing you smile is my favourite thing.”

“After dancing.”

“No, your smile is my favourite thing in the world.” I gasp, and he laughs. Hoseok takes my hand in his, and kisses my knuckles. “Be mine?”

Is so stupid, the stupidest way to ask someone to be your boyfriend. I nod like an idiot and blush. We kiss under the pale moonlight on a chilly summer night.

After walking home with his hand in mine, I start to feel panic rise in my chest. Could he be truly in love with me? Could it be a lie? Why would he lie. Why would he like me.
My face must give away my state, because when we get to the door and he opens it, Hoseok drags me inside and pushes me to his bedroom. Falling on the bed he puts his hands on my face.

“What’s wrong?” I’m about to cry, is so much. Things like this…never happen to me. He’s too much.

“Kiss me. To know it’s real, kiss me please.”

“Yoongi…” he kisses me so deep, his hands at my sides and mine on his hair, the heat building in between us like a forest fire. We pull apart for air, and I feel his tears. “I’m in love with you, so in love with you. Where would I be without you? How could someone else compare?” it takes me by surprise, the honesty in his voice and eyes, the way he’s holding onto my sides like he’s afraid I’ll leave. I hug him tight.

“Seok-ah, those are my lines. I love you, I love you, love you…” we kiss again, wet with tears and my shaking hands on his neck; we kiss until I fall asleep to his kisses and soft sighs.

After confessing, I try to resist into jumping all into the relationship. I want us to go slow, I still had to process that my love was actually reciprocated and that. But Hoseok was more than happy to jump and dragged me with him.
The routine we had turned better, me kissing him so much, marking his collarbones, touching everything I wanted but couldn’t before. There’s so much heat behind my kisses and touches, I can’t really help it anymore.

“Yoongi…” he sighs against my lips, its late, we have an early morning tomorrow.

“Seok-ah…” I bite his earlobe just to listen to that broken moan he always lets out. I smirk. Hoseok has a sensitive body, I’ve learned so in the weeks we’ve been together. Living under the same roof has many advantages, like sleeping together and showering together, and walking around in underwear because is so hot. I crave his body like never before, now that I can actually have him.

“Yoongi…touch me please.” I’m too happy to do so, when he’s coming in my hand and there’s a fresh purple mark on the left side of his chest I have the smuggest smile ever.

“Love you.” He whispers. Then his mouth travels from my own to my neck, to my chest, to my navel…and lower. He yanks my underwear and kisses the inside of my thighs that are trembling. My hand is in his hair, the other one he grasps into his own hand. It’s a thing nobody I’ve ever dated did. Holding hands while giving head. Is so intimate and nice, I love it, like other quirks I’ve discovered recently. Hoseok is a fast learner, everything that gets a good reaction out of me he seems to store in his brain to repeat later, because he’s got nailed down how much I crumble when he bites softly at the junction of my legs and pelvis, I moan when he licks me there, then my cock up and down in a quick motion. I could die and I would die happy. He sucks so good, putting pressure just right, and he seems to love it like I’m loving it; he tries to deepthroat, but it doesn’t work because his gag reflex is like, awful, so I push him away softly and kiss him.

“Don’t force yourself baby.” I mutter against his slick lips, he beams at me, so gorgeous and happy.

“Love you.” And he goes down again. When he sucks only the head I see stars, he sucks me and touches me and we’re still holding hands when I come on my own chest. I feel sated and happy and warm after I clean myself with a wet towel he brings me. We cuddle and share kisses and stupid smiles until we fall asleep, it’s the nicest kind of feeling.

Nobody in our group of friends is surprised when we tell them we’re dating, they congratulate us and look really happy for us. And nothing major changes, just us being more together than before and making out messily when we’re tipsy, and probably me giving Taehyung the ugly eyes many times over. Taehyung is quite weird, personality wise, he’s either all up in your face or quiet, he’s taken a liking to Jungkook and tries to catch his attention the most, like a jealous kid. But Jin is not worried, or at least that’s what I thought.

“Jungkook I am going to end your life.” There’s Hoseok’s whisper, filled with venom and raw disgust. I take a deep breath before entering the house, Jin’s house where Namjoon and Jungkook are.

“Why won’t any of you believe me?! He kissed me! I pushed him away! I swear I did! I wouldn’t cheat on Jin like that! I love him!” the kid is red in the face and there’s traces of tears on his cheeks. I blink a couple of times.

“What’s going on?”

“Seokjin hyung saw Jungkook kissing Taehyung on the street.” Explain Namjoon with a flat tone.

“You did what?!” I turn to him. After all I do like the kid and I’m truly surprised that he could do something like that, he seemed to be truly in love with Seokjin so I’m really surprised and a bit hurt on hyung’s part, since I know how sensitive his heart is.

“I would never-I swear I would never…” he grunts and looks down, sniffling. “He pushed me against the wall and kissed me, I pushed him right away but Jin saw us just then and-he ran away. And we’re waiting and calling and he won’t pick up his damned phone-“he sighs, looking utterly defeated.

“Jungkook-“

“Hyung I promise I didn’t kiss him back. I swear on my mother. I swear. Can’t any of you believe me for once?! Taehyung-“Namjoon puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Taehyung’s messing with you. He’s not used to being ignored, always getting whatever he wanted. Now he wants you, and he won’t stop-“

“Well he fucking better stops or I’ll punch him all the way back to his hometown, fucking prick.”

We are all stunned into silence, since Jungkook is not the kind of person to swear so many times in a row. He also looks positively fuming, hands on fists and the veins on his neck visible.

“Jungkook-ah, has Taehyung tried something like that before?” he looks up with big eyes. Shit.

“He did. But I always managed to dodge him. Now he just, trapped me-“

“Why did you even meet up with him knowing-“

“He said he had to tell me something about Jin-hyung and I, like an idiot, believed him.” Hoseok’s on the bedroom calling Jin, Jimin’s still at work so he probably doesn’t know anything, but as soon as he does…I don’t think I want to be Jungkook then.

“You were an idiot. But, Taehyung is a good actor, I don’t blame you. He’s…”

“He’s trouble, that’s what he is. Jin-hyung told me, he explicitly told me not to let him convince me of anything. Apparently they’ve known each other since Hoseok-hyung and he dated, and he was trouble back then too. I should’ve listen, I should’ve-“

“Jungkook, you’re a grown man you shouldn’t let Seokjin-hyung tell you what to do, you should be able to tell when someone wants to mess with your relationship.” Hoseok tells him when he re-enters the room. His face is twisted in anger, hand with white knuckles around his phone. “I’m going out to look for him. Jimin will too. If he calls any of you let me know right away.”

“Hoseok-ah, it’s really cold we should wait-“he snaps his head around to look at me.

“I’m going out to search for him.” His tone is final, so I sigh and pick up my coat.

“I’m coming with.”

I try to calm him down while we walk, but he’s fuming still and won’t listen to me. I end up tugging at his hand and kissing him against a lamp post at ten p.m.

“Please, take a breath love.” I whisper against his lips. He sighs, smiling sweetly at me.

“I love you hyung.” I feel my cheeks turn redder, and he pinches one. “Seokjin hyung shouldn’t have to go through this because of Taehyung.”

“Yeah, I know, that kid is a nightmare.”

“He’s just stupid and not used to being ignored. He’s also a recovering addict so he’s not completely stable yet-“

“He’s been clean for months Seok-ah, he should-“

“It was bad Yoongi, you saw him. Maybe he just needs attention-“

“We are not babysitters. And he did it because Jungkook let him. That brat was also dumb.” Hoseok sighs.

“Yeah, but I do believe Jungkook. He seemed so affected, I don’t remember seeing him like that…ever, to be honest.”

“Well, any ideas of where Jin-hyung might be?”

“Not really. The library? A coffee shop? A bar?”

“Let’s hope for anything but a bar.” We walk around the neighbourhood, and keep calling him. Jimin texts saying he’s looking too, but it seems like Earth swallowed him.

When we’re about to give up, we hear his laughter coming from inside a bar. We look at each other and go inside right away. He’s sitting in the middle of a table filled with men eyeing him like he’s a piece of candy. One of them has a firm hand on Jin’s thigh, another one has his face far too close to Jin’s neck. He’s drunk out of his mind. When he sees us, he beams.

“My children!” he yells, and everyone looks at him funny. Hoseok curses under his breath and I take a step forward.

“Jin hyung?”

“I’m ready to leave. Told you guys! Seokie was going to come for me. He always does!” he’s cheerful and flings himself to us. I rush forward to catch him, but there’s a hand on his arm tugging him back.

“Let me go!” he shrieks and the guy is surprised enough to let go. I push him outside as fast as I can, Hoseok after us. “Uf I thought I was going to have to blow him for him to release me!” he’s laughing again, clinging to me while he stumbles.

“Jin hyung…”

“He cheated on me. My love cheated on me. How sad is my life Hoseok? I told you he was too good for me.” He cries in silence while we walk back to his house.

“You need to talk to him, please. When you’re sober, when you’ve calmed down-“

“I’ll forgive him if he says he’s sorry. I don’t want to lose him, I love him, and he’s so nice to me-“

“Hyung shut up, you need to sober up and talk, is not what it seems-“

“Taehyung shouldn’t be in our group of friends. Namjoon said he threatened him to consume again if he tells Hoseok he’s been hooking up with an old dealer friend or something-oops…”

“He’s been what?!”

“He’s not important right now Hoseok-“

“No, he’s the problem. He’s been the problem since the beginning. He brings nothing but bad things to those who help him, nothing but bad feelings and thoughts.” We’re almost at the building, we hear a gasp. “Taehyung.” Says Hoseok, I push Jin inside the building and let them talk. I swallow my worry because Jin seems to be crying again and he’s losing balance so I need to get him inside the house. Namjoon’s at the door, and helps me with Jin hyung as soon as he sees me. Jimin is inside with Jungkook, who gasps when he sees the older man hanging in between Namjoon and me.

“Jungkook not now.” Jimin tells him with a firm hand on the younger’s shoulder. I hear Hoseok’s steps coming inside, and I risk a glance behind, he seems mad and worried, rushing to Jin and helping putting him on the bed.

“I’m going to miss Jungkookie so much if he breaks up with me…” he whines, Hoseok takes off his shoes while me and Namjoon take off his jacket.

“Shut up hyung, sleep time.”

“I love him so much. Why nobody loves me enough?” the question makes us all stop.

“We all love you hyung. Sleep time, okay?”

“Okay…” he snuggles with a stuffed animal that Jungkook gifted him and falls asleep in seconds.

“Jesus Christ, this is a fucking mess. Namjoon, Taehyung’s outside waiting for you, take him back to the apartment. And if he’s not there waiting, call someone to change the locks of the apartment.

“What? Hold on isn’t that like, really expensive and goes against the rules of the building-“

“Do what I just told you ok? I’ll pay for it, don’t worry.” Hoseok says and Namjoon sighs, nodding and leaving.

“What was that all about?” Hoseok hugs me and sighs on my neck.

“I want to go home. Let’s…please?” I hug him back and kiss his cheek multiple times.

“Of course love, let’s go.”

He falls asleep on my shoulder on the ride back, and I hate to wake him but I have to.

“What was about changing locks?”

“Oh, no need, Namjoon texted and said Taehyung went back with him.”

“What happened between you exactly?” Hoseok sighs, taking off his coat and shoes.

“He heard me say those things about him and was like, scandalized that I thought that way about him. We fought, I yelled that he was mean and stupid, he said I was an inconsiderate prick, I told him all he ever did was hurt the people that cared about him, and he started crying all of a sudden. Like, proper tears. He said he knew he was bad but couldn’t help it, so I told him to either stop with the idiotic behaviour or get lost. And I warned him, if he left then the keys wouldn’t open the apartment door anymore. So…”

“Wow, all of that in such short time?”

“Yeah, it’s a classic Taehyung thing to do when he can’t get away with things.” I go to the bathroom and Hoseok follows me. “I don’t feel anything for him hyung, I promise.” I stop my movements.

“How did you even notice anything-“

“I know you Yoongi, I know you wanted to stay and listen. He makes you feel bad-“

“Insecure, he makes me feel insecure. Not because of you, I know you wouldn’t cheat on me and I believe you when you say you don’t like him, but he’s manipulative and what he did to Jin-hyung is despicable.” Hoseok hugs me from behind and kisses my cheek.

“I know. But they’ll be okay. I know they will, Jungkook is young but he’s honest. And Jin hyung won’t let Taehyung win, he’s competitive like that.” He smiles softly into my neck, and I shiver while marvelling at the way the bathroom light makes Hoseok’s hair look. A faded turquoise never looked so fantastic. The roots are showing, and there’s a darker patch on a side, he’s breathtaking. “Like what you see?” he teases me with a playful smile.

“Yes, very much.”

I blow him against the bathroom door and my knees hurt for hours afterwards, the tiles of the bathroom are really bad for the knees.

Taehyung goes back to his parent’s house for a couple of months. Jin and Jungkook patch things up and move on, like Hoseok said once Jin hyung sobered up he sat down to have a mature conversation with his partner. Whatever they said to each other seemed to make their relationship move on to a better place, Seokjin hyung looks happier and Jungkook more relaxed, which makes us all happy for them.

Hoseok has been getting more and more jobs as a dancer, but stays with the kids as their dance coach. He works too much but is what he likes so I try to be supportive and keep him healthy. While I try to keep up with the demands of my own work, I use him as inspiration time and time again, I use our friends and our stories as inspiration too, putting thoughts into words that are less violent but still raw feeling. I get introduced to a new girl group, they need help with their rap line and I can see why right away.
They’re six girls, all younger than me, and they all look so innocent and cute that is weird to imagine any of them rapping. Three of them can sort of rap, but they lack flow and the proper movements, so I look at my boss with a worried expression.

“You think none of them can make it?”

“To be honest, I’m not sure. They look unsure and like they’d rather stay as backup singers than rappers.”

“Yoongi, we need a rap line, without it they won’t go further than this.”

“I’ll try with Ilee and Unna. But I’ll try, can’t promise anything.” After that I devote myself to try and teach them how to rap, more or less. Luckily they improve and work hard, they’re not as good as others in the industry, but they’ll get better the more they practice. While I do that, I notice Ilee looks at me weird. And a couple of days after noticing that, Hoseok comes to my studio and finds me with her alone. He stops on his tracks, and his face pales. Ilee is sitting on the desk, close to the chair I’m sitting in, and I’m confused at Hoseok’s face.

“Hey Seok-ah” I greet him, stand up and go to him, he hugs me and I pat his face. “You done?”

“Yeah, but you’re not so…I’ll leave first ok?”

“Yeah sure, get some rest, you deserve it.” I tell him with a smile, his eyes don’t shine but I’ll ask about that when we’re alone. He nods and leaves, no pat or hug or kiss. I can see on Ilee’s face she wants to ask, but I put her to work again and she has to do as I say.

For days, Hoseok avoids me. If I had more free time I would’ve searched for him and face him, but I’m busy as hell and Ilee’s getting on my nerves with her suggestions and extra practice and consuming all of my time with her requests of lessons.

“I did everything I could with you, if you can’t do it by now is not up to me. We should ask someone else-“

“No! I want you to teach me-“she walks up to me, really close, I frown and look down at her. She’s shorter, and pouting at me. I take a step back.

“I’m sorry, I will ask for someone else to help you.” She grabs me by the arm, I’m surprised but I stop my movements. I should be going home already, but she insisted. I can see Hoseok’s newly dyed turquoise hair coming to my direction, and I want the girl to release me. He’s coming with Namjoon, laughing, looking stunning as per usual, when he sees me and stops in his tracks. Ilee choses that moment to hug me. “Please let me go.”

“But I like you oppa.” Shit. Hoseok’s face is serious, he pursues his lips and moves to where I am.

“I’m really sorry but I’m in a relationship. I’m very in love-“

“Your songs are all about heartbreak, that person is not good are they oppa? You should try with me, I can be-“

“That person is marvellous, the best person I’ve ever met. And I’m very very in love, so please release me and understand-“she won’t budge and I can’t really hurt her, Hoseok makes a face and walks all the way to me. He seems tired and annoyed, a bit jealous, but mostly annoyed. He looks around, and then plants his lips against mine. His eyes are open, mine too, but I kiss back. We’re kissing in the hallway, where anyone could see, and there’s a girl who just confessed to me in between us. Ilee gasps and moves away, Hoseok’s eyes crinkle and he puts his arms around my waist. I close my eyes to enjoy the kiss properly for a moment, before we pull apart.

“I’m sorry cutie, this one likes me best.” Hoseok tells her, turning his head around with a blinding smile. She’s red in the face, turns around to leave as fast as she can.

“Seok-ah, that was…”

“It was awesome Hoseok! Super awesome, I can’t wait to tell Jimin about this!” says Namjoon laughing and grabbing his phone, presumably to text Jimin about what just happened.

“You were mean.” He laughs cutely and kisses my neck. I pat his head.

“Not too mean. But she was clingy, and is only natural that I would want her to stop.”

“What if she tells everyone else?”

“Nah, she’ll be embarrassed about it and won’t say a word.” I grin, he kisses me quick again and we walk hand in hand through the hallway. It feels really nice.

We’ve been dating for two months when Hoseok collapses again, I take a day off work to stay with him at home, watching him sleep. I buy him vitamins and start to seriously worry about our work hours, trying to figure out a way to make everything easier for him. We move into an apartment smaller than the one we were in, but closer to the agency so we don’t need to travel to get there, a fifteen minute walk does the job. It only has one bedroom, we buy a king sized bed to put in it, and we jump onto it once it arrives. I remember the way he looked that day, ruffled turquoise hair on a pristine white pillow, a red oversized t shirt hanging off one of his shoulders, dark sweatpants, a blinding smile half hidden in our new navy blue duvet.
I keep noticing how irrevocably in love with him I am, being together with him and feeling the same thrill every time we kiss. I touch him and marvel at the taste of his skin, I look at his eyes and get trapped in them for hours, I count the freckles on his body many times over. He sighs into my neck.

“Hoseok-ah?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we…” I gulp. How stupid of me to get nervous for something like this. “Can we make love?” I watch the red rise on his cheeks and I laugh, he laughs with me and end up kissing messily while we still giggle.

“Of course we can.” He answers with the softest smile. He’s so gorgeous, at one in the morning and tired as he is, tired as I am, he’s still the most perfect human I’ve ever seen in my life.

“Maybe not today, I mean if you’re tired-“

“Yoongi, I want to. I’m not even that tired-“

“I want it to be good, I want us to feel good.” He kisses my forehead.

“We will feel good because it’s us, and we love each other and care for each other and it’ll feel great. But if you’re unsure we can leave it for another day.” He’s so nice, always so kind and careful with me, I have a surge of love and groan onto his chest.

“Shit I love you so much, why are you so awesome?”

“Because I’m really annoying the rest of the time?” we laugh together, and I nod.

“Yes you are, but I love you all the same, my annoying boyfriend.” He sucks a mark on the right side of my chest.

It doesn’t come up for the rest of the week. On Sunday, after taking a nap, I find him lying next to me with his eyes open.

“You’ve been watching me sleep?” I ask him, ruffling his hair.

“Yeah, you look gorgeous. Also, your hair is almost as long as it was when we first met.” I smile, recalling that morning. My hair was indeed long, covering half my face.

“I should cut it…”

“I like it to be honest, but it looks like it gets in the way of your eyes so…” I hum along his line of thought, squirming down to be eye level with him. We stare at each other and smile, I enjoy the warmth from his body as he wraps his arm over me and puts his long leg over mine. The contrast between our skin tones is beautiful, he makes me feel good just with a couple of shy kisses on my naked shoulder. Hoseok traces the side of my face with a slender finger, moving my fringe to the side, I smile at him. “I just can’t believe I get to have you hyung, you’re the coolest person I’ve ever met.”
I blush furiously and run to the bathroom laughing. I’m so stupid, getting red for a compliment like that. Hoseok knock the door while he keeps on laughing at my face, I wash my teeth and take a long shower, scrubbing myself thoroughly. When I’m done, I go out of the bathroom with only a towel around my waist. I wait for his comment, and when I’m met with silence I look at him with worry.

“Uhm…you’re just…very beautiful.” Is the only thing he says. I feel the heat coming, and I make a bold move because I don’t want to wait anymore. I drop the towel.

“You want to touch instead of looking?” I ask, with a smirk. Hoseok gulps, but moves to his feet in an instant, he kisses me deep and hotly, drags me to the bed.

“Yoongi hyung…” he whispers on my ear, his hands splayed on my back, a leg between mine, his sweatpants feel too rough on my skin and I whine. “I’ll take a shower wait five minutes I’ll be right back-“ I snort while he scurries away. While I wait I take off the duvet of the bed and lay on it, making myself comfortable. I’m not really comfortable naked, but I wanted to wait a bit in case Hoseok meant five minutes for real.
Which, he did. He was rushing outside the bathroom in legit five minutes, drops of water all over his skin and roughly drying himself still naked. I gasped, he froze.

“What?”

“Are we in that stage already?”

“What? You did it? I know I’m not as hot as you but I figured you wouldn’t mind? I mean if you don’t like it I can get dressed-“

“I like your body, I was surprised that’s all. Of course I like your body, have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You’re like, a model or something.” I feel my red cheeks, and he smiles at me.

“That boosts my ego you know? Hearing my boyfriend talk like that, yeah?” he crawls over the bed, pushing his hair back and his forehead (I love his forehead ok?) shines with the drops that remain. I pass my palm over it, and he smirks. I tangle my fingers in his hair, dragging him up to kiss messily, I’m too anxious to do anything else. He moves up smoothly and places himself in my lap. We’re naked, and our skin is touching, and it feels so nice. He’s soft and smooth, there’s a patch of hair around his member but barely anywhere else, while I suck on his neck I run my hands through his chest, then press a thumb to his nipple expecting a moan in return.
So when he thrusts up and his cock touches mine it’s me who moans.

“Shit, give me a warning.” I tell him, my mouth already on his chest. He sighs and keeps moving, Hoseok smells of my shower gel and his own honey and almonds shampoo, it’s the best thing I’ve smelt in my life. He moves languidly, building me up and smiling, always smiling, his hands on my hair and back, then in our cocks stroking slowly. I’ve never had sex like this.

It feels great and intimate and important.

“Yoongi…let me make love to you.” Is the cheesiest thing he’s said so far, but I melt at the words and there’s this urge to run away and hide, to maybe cry because it’s so much.
But I nod, a weird gummy smile on my face, while I hide on his neck and keep on nodding.

He moves me around so I’m lying on my back, then a bottle of lube appears from thin air when he kisses down my torso.
“Relax, yeah?”

“I’m always relaxed around you.”

“That’s a lie hyung. I get on your nerves, but now I need you to relax. I want to make you feel good.”

“You always do, I promise.” We lock eyes, and I’m gifted with the sun smiling straight at me. I feel his finger prodding around, while he bites softly on my inner thighs and sucks dark marks, I squirm and sigh trying to stay relaxed. His finger feels great in me, when he starts sucking on the head of my dick I trash on the bed and he puts in another finger. Is a tight fit because it’s been ages since I’ve had sex so I’m tense, but he takes time to stretch me in the good way, and stops everytime I let out a noise of discomfort. He jerks me off with his other hand, two fingers deep as they can go in me and my hands on his shoulders.

“Seok, I’m gonna come if you don’t stop.”

“Then do-“

“I want to come from you fucking me, please.” He stops his hand and comes up to kiss me, tongue sliding inside my mouth while a third finger enters me, I moan on his lips and snake my arms around him to find some leverage. “Ah, ah, ah, Hoseok-“ I bite on his lower lip, he thrusts his fingers in and out, and moans when I tight my muscles.

“I can’t…hyung I can’t anymore.” He says, pulling apart and rushing to the bedside table, he pulls out a condom and can’t open it because his hands are slippery with lube, is a funny sight and I kiss his pout away while I put it on for him, he pours more lube onto his cock and positions himself. I smile at him, and I can’t remember ever feeling so calm while having sex, there’s this feeling of absolute trust, of knowing that he finds me arousing and that I want him so much that it’s going to feel incredible. Like he said, it’s us, and we’re in love.

He starts to put himself inside, and I cringe.

“It didn’t look that big.” I tease him while trying to stay relaxed. He chuckles and shakes his head.

“Thanks for the compliment sugar.” I laugh weakly, because he’s halfway in and I already feel too stretched. When he leans in to play with my earlobe and nipples, I moan and feel his hips against my butt cheeks. I sigh in relief, but I feel so full and stretched, and good. I feel good because his eyes are shinning and there’s this flush on his face and chest, and his hand keeps stroking my own face and chest like he can’t believe its happening. Me neither, to be honest.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m great. You can move.” He does as I say, carefully slow, then faster. I should’ve expected him moving his hips like that, but I was a fool.
He has me moaning his name in no time, his thrusts deep and powerful, just on the right side of painful, my legs around his waist and it felt so deep even if the angle wasn’t the best, he had a hand on mine and the other on my cock. Obviously, he can multitask and his hand jerked me off so good, so good. I gasp and moan and even cried a bit, when he moved us and he knelt while I’m on my side, one of my legs on his left shoulder and the other under his own in the middle. The angle killed me, I think I passed out for real for a couple of seconds, he did me so good in that position, kept thrusting and moving and it was insanely delicious, I felt like touching the sky.

“Ahh Seok…Hoseok!”

“Feels good?” the sweat made his skin glow, and he smelt so good, I wanted to bury myself on his neck and never leave.

“The best, feels the best Seok…” I moaned when he grabbed my arm and pulled me up to roughly kiss me, he thrust and- “Right there! Please right there-“I can’t remember the last time a guy found my prostate in the first round, but Hoseok is Hoseok and there’s nothing he does bad, so.

“Yeah? Touched the good spot?” I groaned at the smirk I could hear in his voice.

“Shut uuup…” it became a moan as he chuckled again, I smiled while he pounded me, my face on the pillow and there was drool coming out of my mouth but I didn’t care, it felt so good.

“You look so fucking good like this…” he grunted, I raked my nails on his chest to hear the beautiful moan, the missed a beat between his thrusts. “Do it again-“ he begged, so I did and he pulled out.

I really touched the sky when moved us again and lifted me from the bed and made me ride him. I say made me because he used his own arms to lift me up and down while I just moaned on his neck.

“Yoongi…are you close? I’m so close sugar, I can’t-“

“Please, make me come, make me come-“I bit his shoulder hard, he thrust just right and moaned an ‘I love you’ that made me come. He came right after, a thrust later, his face smushed against mine and a desperate cry falling from his lips.
It takes me a while to notice that he’s crying.

“I’m sorry, I got so emotional over-“

“I’m crying too, its fine.” I whisper, he looks up and I smile through these stupid happy tears falling from my eyes.

“I love you so much Yoongi.” I hug him close to my chest and I nod. I’m so happy, I cry because I’m happy and we felt so good, and he’s crying because like me, it was too much and too good. “I’m crying because I’m overwhelmed with love, cheesy as it sounds, I swear I’ve never felt like this with anyone.”

“Me neither babe, I’ve never loved someone like this.”

“Let’s be together forever, yeah?” I laugh and he slaps my butt playfully.

“Yeah, lets.”

We’ve been together for a year. A full year and nothing has changed since.

I’m as in love as I was the day I saw him for the first time.
Seokjin hyung and Jungkook moved in together, Jimin and Namjoon moved in together as well, and when we thought everything was falling into place, Taehyung came into our lives again.

He was a changed man, came back to the city to study acting, he smiled wide and got along with everyone easily enough, even his exes. Not with me though, I kept him as far away from me and Hoseok as I could, but he was different, and Hoseok was too fucking nice. So he wormed his way into our group and stayed, luckily he brought along another guy who kept an arm on his shoulder at all times. Minho something. He seemed super happy to be around Taehyung, and the kid bristled under all the attention, so I tried not to worry too much.

I started worrying about Namjoon when I noticed the longing looks he kept giving Jimin.

“Joon-“

“Hyung, I won’t do anything. He’s with someone, I know he’s precious for all of us, I wouldn’t, ok?”

“Right. Write songs about it though, yeah?” he laughs and pushes me away.

“You’re the worst, enjoying my pain!”

“You write sick songs when you’re in pain!”

“That’s true. Babe, what do you want for dinner?”

“Seok-ah! Why do you always side with him?!”

“He’s my husband, and I like my sex life too much to put it at risk.” He smiles sweetly at Namjoon while I chuckle at his disgusted face.

The job in the agency kept me busy and well paid, it allowed me to release a couple of mixtapes of my own, a couple with Namjoon and even one with Hoseok, after months of trying to convince him. That one did really well, and we were currently working on another one. Even if the agency got most of the profits from the songs, it still felt awesome to share them with the public.

Hoseok still was the choreographer for the kids, along with other three groups. It was tough when all of them had activities going on, but Hoseok was incredible like that and worked hard. At this point pretty much every girl who came across him gave him the flirty eyes. And it drove me up the walls because even if it was kind of obvious, we were not out and I could not go and make out with him in front of the staff. I wanted, I wanted like he did that time, but I couldn’t. I don’t know how many homophobes are in the agency, or what positions they have, so I don’t want to risk anything.

“Jin-hyung?”

“Yes Yoongi-yah?” I fidget on his couch, Hoseok’s still working and its dinner night at Seokjin’s like every Friday. I take a deep breath.

“I want to give…Hoseok a ring.” My eyes were on the floor the whole time, and I felt more than heard the gasp hyung let out.

“Oh lord. A ring. A ring to put on his ring finger?! Like…like an engagement ring?”

“I was thinking along the lines of a promise ring, since same sex marriage is not a thing here yet…”

“But matching rings right? Or only one for him?” I mulled over the idea for a couple of seconds.

“I was thinking only one for him, to like…”

“Give the girls at the agency the idea that he’s taken?” I look at him with surprise all over my face. “Yoongi your face is like, a window to your jealousy, and everyone can see it if they know you enough. Reason why I think all your bosses know you and Hoseok are in a relationship, I mean the way you look at him-“

“As if he doesn’t look at me like that.”

“He does, is so gorgeous to see, ahhh young love-“

“You are literally dating a teenager, what do you mean by young love?” Jin hits me on the back of the head and I laugh at his reddened face and ears.

“We’ve been dating longer, mind you! And he’s a man, not a teenager.”

“He’s the baby of the group and always will be-“

“Jimin is far more childish!”

“Stop trying to defend your boyfriend’s honour when age is not something you can change hyung!” we laugh together and Jungkook chooses that moment to enter the room, dark hair tousled around and tired eyes, snaking his arms around Jin’s torso and putting his face on the nape of the other man’s neck.

“What’s wrong?” Jin asks, Jungkook makes gross kissy noises and I fake gag.

“I’m horny.” Jin squeaks in response and turns the reddest I’ve seen him in a while, the laughter leaving my mouth is so loud Namjoon comes into the room with a puzzled expression.

“What happened?”

“Nothing!”

“Kookie just said he’s horny!” Jungkook snickers and Jin hides his face on his hands, the younger sucks a mark on his neck. “Is dinner night still a thing or do we need to give you two a couple of hours?”

“Maybe the whole night?”

“Wow, can hyung even go for that long?”

“He can, trust me.” Says Jungkook with a proud smirk, as calm as ever, Jin is dying of mortification in his arms and he’s completely unaffected. I smile, Jimin comes in, Hoseok trailing behind him and the conversation needs to stop.

“Our talk is not over though, Yoongi-yah.” Says Jin while pushing his lover into their shared room. I don’t really want to know why, so I drag my own lover and Jimin back to the living room, with Namjoon behind us.

“So, about that ring.”

“Aish, hyung, be more tactful, what if he’s around?”

“He’s not, I checked. So, matching rings or only one for him?”

“One. For him. Maybe later on we can buy matching ones, like, properly…”

“You plan on being with him that long?” I throw a balled napkin at his head.

“I plan on being with him for the rest of my life.”

“Oh lord, you’re so sappy. I can’t even imagine the things you two tell to each other.” I smile, I’m proud of being so open now, after years of being afraid to open up about my feelings to others, I felt good about talking with a friend like this so easily. “I’m so excited, can I go choose the ring with you? Please? I won’t tell Jungkookie, promise.”

“If you do tell him, I’ll never talk to you again. It needs to be a surprise, I’m preparing something else too, so don’t ruin it.”

“Yes! When are we going?”

“Uhm…maybe Friday?”

“Sure I’m free and if I’m not I will be don’t worry! We’ll pick the prettiest, shiniest-“

“No, we’ll pick something nice and significative, nothing too flashy he’s not like that.”

“Hoseok loves flashy things, did you not see his leopard print blazer or…”

“Maybe a bit flashy and very significative, ok?” Jin smiles big at me and my stomach knot with nerves. I know it’ll go fine, it will.

Friday comes and we go shopping, it takes a lot more than what I expected, since Seokjin doesn’t help at all, whining about my bad taste and how ugly everything I choose will look on Hoseok. Said man gets antsy soon, when he gets home and I’m not there he starts calling and Jin complains about me not being focused so I just give up and send him on his way. While I’m driving back, I pass a jewellery and something caught my attention. Even from the car, I saw a ring. I parked and went there, so they showed me the ring and I loved it so much, I took a picture of it and sent it to Jin, his reply almost immediate.

'Buy it!!!

I grinned and passed the shop assistant my card, watching as they took it away to change its size. I’m lucky Hoseok owns more than a couple of rings, and that he puts them on his ring finger too, so I could ask for a size adjustment right away.

“He’s a lucky man, congratulations in advance.” Said the lady, and I looked at her in surprise.

“How did you-thank you, so much, but how-“

“It’s a ring for men, first of all, second, I saw the background picture of your phone.” She winked. “You make a cute couple.” I blush and thank her many times before leaving the shop with a tiny, too delicate, bag. There’s only two things to do.

When I got the things ready, I start to doubt my plan. But as I catch Hoseok getting confessed to for the second time in a week, I take matters in my own hands.
“That’s enough.” I mutter before walking to him, grabbing the back of his hair and pulling him to me for a kiss. “Sorry he’s taken. Also, if you say anything I’ll make sure there’s not a single hit song in your group’s next album. Now get lost.”

Is the rudest and meanest I’ve been in a while, and Hoseok’s frowning, but I don’t really care.

“How could you say that? Talk to her like that?” I have flashbacks to that time he did the same thing for me, and I push him to my studio and close the door.

“You were taking forever in rejecting her. Did you seriously not notice the eyes she gave you for a month? Or do you like her back?” Hoseok raises an eyebrow.

“You can’t possibly think that.”

“I don’t know, you seemed kind of happy she was being all cute and shit.” He walks up to me, I take my chance to grab him by the arms and push him over my desk, which had many important things before I shove them aside in favour of laying my man down. He bites his lip. “I know you’re hard. Pervert, it gets you hot and bothered? Me being jealous? Possessive of you?”

“Just a bit. Fuck, Yoongi, can we-“

“If we’re quick, we can get off together. You up for it?” he nods furiously while I attack his neck, making sure to leave a mark he can cover with the neck of his shirt, but will be visible when he dances. Safe enough.

So that very same night, when I get home and he’s already there, showered and waiting on the couch with pizza still warm on the coffee table, dressed in the rattiest sweatpants without an ounce of make-up on, I do it. Can’t wait anymore.

“Babe, stay there, I’ll be right back.” I go to our room, take a quick shower, pick the ring from its hidden place, and go sit next to him.

“You showered before eating? How unusual.”

“You waited for me to eat? How unusual.” He smacks me while laughing, looking as gorgeous and radiant as if it were 9 a.m on a free day, instead of 22 p.m on a Wednesday after almost ten hours of work. I never want to look at anything else but his smiling face.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I need you to listen to something, and give me your opinion.”

That was safe enough, I asked him for his opinion on songs often enough not to be weird, I handed him the headphones and plugged them to my phone, searched for the song and pressed play.

I waited, wanting to bite my nails so bad, and watching his profile as he listened with full concentration.

The song was me singing, or at least trying to sing, playing the piano and crooning all the things he made me feel, all the uncontrolled love, the desire, the gratefulness, the amazement, everything. I tried to make it sweet, but it turned out intense as all my songs. I hoped it wasn’t intense enough to be off putting.

While he listened, I kept looking. And I noticed, slowly, his eyes getting wet. He looked front, never at me, but a couple of tears fell from his eyes, and a smile formed on his lips.
Then something made him choke and start crying for real, he hugged me tight to him, moving and hitting me with his knees while trying to put himself in my lap still hugging me tight. I hugged him back, running my hands on his back while he cried on my neck.

When the song was done, he took off the headphones and kissed me.

“I take it you liked the song?”

“Is my favourite song. Is for me right? Not for a group. Please don’t give it to someone else-“

“I won’t, is yours, a gift.”

“I’ll never listen to anything ever again. It was beautiful, you just…made me feel so loved. I can’t even express how I’m feeling right now…I’m the luckiest man. I love you so much.” We kissed again, intense, deep, heartfelt kiss that left me breathless and unfocused.

I felt the weight of the box on my pocket, and smiled up at him.

“Actually, I’m the luckiest man in the world. And I would love for you to…wear this, as a promise of my fidelity and love for you, as a promise to be there and everyday be a better man, because you inspire me to be so much more. You’re my sun, Hoseok, you’re the sun of my life, and I love you.” I open the box to revel a silver band with two small white diamonds and in the middle, a square stone, a vivid green emerald.

“Oh my god.” I wait for another reaction, but he seems frozen in place. “Oh my god, you…bought me a ring. Is this a promise ring? Are you…oh my god, Yoongi.” There’s tears streaming down his face but I’m honestly confused about them. Are they good tears or bad tears?

“Do you, perhaps, not want the-“

“I want it, I love it, shit this is…Yoongi I can’t even process-I love you, fuck I love you so much. Yes, I’ll take it, the promise, the ring, everything, oh my god.” I put the ring carefully on his finger, and he gasps. “I can’t believe- is perfect, oh my god, is so perfect.”

“It looks good.”

“No, what you said is perfect, the song was perfect, the promise is perfect. You, you are so perfect to me.” I smile, the laugh, then cry. “Love you, Yoongi.”

“I know, I love you too. So, so.” While we hug, I think back to the day we met, and how far we’ve come. “I wouldn’t change a thing, Hoseok, anything about us.”

“Me neither, babe, thank you, for everything.”

“Let’s be together forever, yeah?”

“Yeah, lets.”