Work Text:
“The hell are we doing ‘ere?” Kenzo mumbled around a fresh cigarette, smoke from the one he’d just tossed into a dirty puddle trickling past his lips as he spoke. “I can think of at least a dozen better things to do.”
Hanging out with Aki usually meant fun, parties and people and hard liquor. It was beyond Kenzo why the bassist wanted to come to a park solely to sit on a bench facing a playground. Kids were cute, sure thing, Kenzo was quite fond of them, but two hours later the shrill voices and excited laughter was getting on his nerves. People were having pick-nicks and walking their dogs, parents were playing with their children and couples were walking hand-in-hand on afternoon dates. The weather was perfect, sunny with a slight breeze taking the edge of the worst heat and keeping the humidity at bay, and there were a lot of people out.
“Seriously baby,” the drummer mumbled and pushed the sunglasses further up his nose, tilted his head to the side, away from the two young girls walking by them. “Someone’s gonna recognise you.”
‘You’, not ‘us’, because Kenzo was a lot less famous and thereby more anonymous than Aki. They were dressed down, of course, casual in their day off outfits and with sunglasses covering their faces, as much to protect their eyes from the sun as their faces from other people’s eyes. Without makeup and flashy outfits they did look a lot different from their stage personas, but attentive fangirls were known to pick up on their idols at the most unlikely settings.
“See the little girl over there by the swings?” Aki completely ignored his statement and Kenzo would’ve snorted at the treatment had the bassist not discretely pointed towards the playground. “The one with the long chocolate brown hair and the tomboyish outfit?”
“Yeah, she’s cute, what’s about her?” Kenzo muttered with barely a gaze her direction.
“She’s mine,” Aki said lowly.
At first the drummer simply nodded his head, little short of dismissively as he didn’t really listen. But as Aki did not react, didn’t speak up or say more the meaning of it began to seep in. Turning black eyes towards the swing set he picked out the girl easily. Even at the distance she was pretty, sunshine smile and sunkissed skin, jeans shorts showing off a scuffed knee, and bubbly personality obviously affecting the kids around her.
“What are you saying Aki?” he asked slowly, not sure how to feel about what he thought was being said.
Deep brown eyes slowly turned towards him, left the playing kids to look up at him. They probably made quite the scene, Kenzo was seated on the backrest, feet planted firmly on the seat and elbows resting on knees, and Aki more normally slouched on the bench, sort of resting towards the side of Kenzo’s leg. Now they were staring at each other too, intense gazes meeting and a lot of wordless conversation going on behind sunglasses.
“She’s my daughter,” the bassist finally said, admitting out loud what Kenzo had already figured out but didn’t really want to understand. “Her name’s Naoto.”
“That girl’s what? Five years old?” There was a clear streak of anger in the drummer’s voice, almost hurt. Aki, not sure how to deal with it, turned back towards the playing children.
“Four,” he corrected. “Four years and two months. She was born in May.”
“I don’t fucking believe this,” Kenzo muttered and got off the bench, dropped another finished cigarette carelessly on the ground and immediately brought up the pack. He lit one up as he began walking, away from the bench and Aki and the playground with its revealed secrets.
“Kenzo!” Aki called after him, not loud but still careless, normally they never used names when out in public but today they both had. “Please wait!”
Ringless fingers wrapped around an unclad elbow, tried to bring the small body to a halt so they could talk. It hurt when Kenzo shrugged him off, even if the younger man did turn to face him. “What?”
“Can we talk about this?” he asked, keeping his voice low and praying they didn’t attract more attention than any other couple in the park. “Please?”
“Here?” The raised eyebrow was deadly scornful. “Sure, we can talk about your four year old daughter whom I had no idea existed right here in public where anyone can see us. Fuck you Aki, fuck you!”
Several women, mothers with young children playing around them, turned disapproving eyes to the petite foulmouthed drummer. They were causing a scene and Aki knew better than to push, even if it did hurt to watch his lover walk away, jerky movements proving just how upset Kenzo was. Rather than follow he brought up his phone and sent a text.
’I’m sorry, okay? Can I come by tonight? Please, we need to talk about this.’
’Yeah, sure, whatever. I need to think.’
Aki didn’t try to send another text, he knew Kenzo’s phone would be shut off.
- - -
Kenzo had indeed shut his phone off, something he barely ever did but he didn’t want to talk to anyone just then. For once he wanted to be alone, to think, mull over the information and to grasp the fact Aki had kept something like that from him. A daughter, a child whose name and birthday Aki knew. It obviously wasn’t the first time the bassist had been to the park to watch her, so he knew the family schedule well enough to know when they’d be there. Was he in contact with them?
An unusual and unwelcome uncertainly lingered around him. Four years old. He’d known Aki four years ago, they’d been lovers already back then, not exclusive but still definitely more than friends with benefits. Kenzo knew Aki was bisexual, that more than a fair share of girls had visited the bassist’s bed over the years, and he’d never cared before. But the fact Aki had knocked someone up without telling him? It hurt, it hurt a lot.
He ignored the knock on the door, knew Aki would let himself in if he truly wanted to talk. The kitchen was misty with smoke and the vodka bottle, or rather the level in it, spoke a clear language. Aki came in and looked at the small figure curled up in the windowsill, felt his heart clench at the knowledge he’d caused the drummer’s current mood. Kenzo was at the same time so strong and so frail, Aki knew it better than anyone and still it was so easy to forget.
“Hey,” he said carefully, leaned against the door frame as if afraid to step into the kitchen. He wasn’t, but he wanted to give the other a chance to kick him out still.
“Hey.” Kenzo’s voice was rough with smoke, more so than normally and it was perhaps the best indication of all to the fact he was hurt. When minutes past and nothing happened black eyes finally tipped Aki’s direction. “I thought you wanted to talk.”
Taking it for the invitation it actually was Aki stepped into the kitchen, pulled a carver closer to the window and sat down. A Marlboro Gold, he never could smoke Kenzo’s cigarette brands, found its way to his lips and he inhaled deeply, tried to find solace and calm in the nicotine and carbon monoxide, much like he knew Kenzo had tried to do in the past hours. That the drummer had brought out the vodka bottle was not a good sign.
“I already said I’m sorry,” he began and Kenzo snorted, but he didn’t let that interrupt him, “and I know it’s not enough. But...I don’t really know what else to say.”
“How long’ve you known?” Kenzo asked, still not looking at his lover.
Aki bit his lip and looked out the window, watched the neon lights flicker on around the darkening city, saw people rush around in the busy city central. Kenzo really was obnoxiously rich for a visual kei artist.
“I’ve known since shortly before Naoto was born,” he finally admitted. “Yuki, her mother, told me through a fan letter since she couldn’t reach me any other way.”
“And you believed her?” the younger asked disbelievingly, finally turning to look at his lover now that Aki wasn’t looking at him anymore. Somehow it was easier to talk when they weren’t simultaneously staring each other down.
“At first I wasn’t sure what to think,” Aki admitted. “But she sent a picture of herself and I did remember sleeping with her. I met her after a show in Yokohama, when we went out for drinks afterwards. Yuki’s not into visual kei, she wasn’t at the show or anything. She was just a pretty girl at a bar who I hooked up with for a night.”
It wasn’t often they spoke about their various conquests, especially not Aki’s female ones, and Aki felt weird to sit and say it out loud. He almost felt like he was bragging, which was ridiculous considering Kenzo would never be impressed by a woman.
“I ignored the letter for a long time,” Aki finally went on, cigarette exchanged for a new one as he nervously nibbled on his pierced lip. “But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Yuki said she’d gotten pregnant that night, that she knew I was the father because she wasn’t the kind of girl to sleep around like that. And honestly, I did seduce her.”
“First thing in this story I have no problem believing whatsoever,” Kenzo murmured and lifted the vodka bottle to his lips again. He wasn’t intoxicated, merely buzzed enough to keep his emotions at bay.
“It’s not a trick, okay?” Aki wasn’t sure why he felt the need to defend Yuki and he didn’t miss the shadow crossing the drummer’s face. “I finally contacted Yuki with the phone number she left in the letter. She was upset I’d taken so long, Naoto was already six months old by then. But I went to Yokohama to see them and we took a paternity test, just to be sure. Naoto is my daughter Kenzo, I have gotten that proven once and for all.”
For the first time that evening their eyes locked. Kenzo’s swam with hurt feelings, disbelief and an uncertainty Aki knew he was trying to conceal. The younger hated being less than perfectly confident, yet he often was. And at the same time Aki knew there had to be worry and regret in his own, not because he’d gone to see his daughter but because he’d never told his lover about her. He knew Kenzo’s next question before it was even spoken.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was scared.” It was the simplest, most honest answer he could give. “Four years ago we were on the brink of what we have today, an actual relationship. We weren’t pronounced exclusive, but we were getting there and...” He heaved a sigh, exhale shaking slightly. “I screwed up, literally. I got a girl pregnant and she gave birth to my child. It’s not an excuse, but all I can say is that I panicked when I realised Naoto was mine.”
“Why?” You’d make a good father.
A small smile curled the corners of pierced lips, as if Aki heard the unspoken words as clearly as the spoken ones. “Cause I didn’t want Yuki, didn’t need the responsibility of a child. I wanted you, and I was dead afraid you’d leave if you learnt. I know now I was stupid.”
At that Kenzo turned black eyes out the window again. He wished he could be as sure about that as Aki seemed to be. Truth was he had no idea how he would’ve reacted had he learnt Aki had a newborn four years ago, for better or worse Kenzo had changed a bit over the past years.
“Have you been seeing her?” he asked, cause it seemed a vital question to him. It was bad enough Aki’d hidden the existence of a daughter, he wasn’t sure he could handle it if Aki had been seeing them behind his back.
Since he was looking out the window, Kenzo missed the shadow of hurt crossing over Aki’s features. “No, Yuki agreed to let me come down to Yokohama to see Naoto that one time, when we took the paternity test and all, but she was hurt and upset I’d ignored her letter and said she didn’t want me involved. I’ve been sending her money, not much but I wanted to take some form of responsibility. It’s how I knew they moved to Tokyo this spring.”
“She told you so you could keep sending money,” Kenzo concluded. “How convenient.”
“Would you quit it?!” For the first time Aki raised his voice. They’d argued before, of course, but he’d hoped not to do so tonight. “I messed up, I know I did, I should’ve told you about Naoto when I first learnt she existed, but the idea of losing you was worse than not getting to see my daughter.”
It wasn’t what he’d meant to say, but sometimes it was better to speak without thinking. Aki pulled a hand over his face, not sure what else to do. Talking obviously wasn’t working since Kenzo refused to listen. “Just...call me when you’ve figured your mind out,” he said and stubbed the cigarette in the ashtray Kenzo didn’t use, it was easier to simply tip the butts out the open window.
Kenzo kept his eyes steadily trailed on the busy street outside, understanding perhaps a little bit what Aki’d felt like when he walked away from him in the park earlier. Something stirred inside him as the door clicked softly shut behind Aki, and it wasn’t in a positive way.
- - -
They didn’t speak for five days. It was the longest Aki could remember them having gone without contact. Busy schedules often kept them apart for long periods of time, but they always called, texted, contacted each other one way or another. With both of them hurt, righteously or not, contact reduced to nothing while one waited for the other to make contact first and the other wanted to give the first one space.
Aki, more or less subconciously, played with his phone, contemplated calling and desperately wished he’d receive a text or something! The door opening and slamming shut had him frozen in shock. The only person who had a key to his front door was Kenzo, and Aki was certain he’d locked it when he got home. Moments later the drummer stumbled, quite literally, into the living room and sagged against the wall. Even at the distance Aki could smell the alcohol and he was somewhat impressed the other stayed on his feet.
“Haven’t slept in four days,” Kenzo slurred, miraculously managed to light a cigarette, and somehow sought out Aki’s half-dressed figure on the couch. “I‘m still pissed, but I get it, or something. Just...let me sleep.”
There probably should’ve been a ‘please’ at the end of such a sentence, but Aki knew how to correctly read unspoken words into Kenzo’s speech and sentences. The drummer spoke at least as much with his body and eyes as he did with his wicked lips and sharp tongue.
Slowly Aki stood up and moved closer, put his arms around the small drummer as if he was afraid Kenzo would bolt in fear. Instead the younger leaned into him, practically falling asleep on his feet. Calloused hands closed in fabric and Kenzo visibly relaxed in the proximity of his best friend and lover. They felt no need to talk as they moved from the kitchen to the bedroom, Aki shedding clothes while Kenzo kept his, and tumbling into bed. To sleep, nothing else, curl up together and forget about the fight till morning when they could, hopefully, deal with it like two rational adults.
The last thing on Aki’s mind before he went to sleep was that both of them were more driven by emotions than reason and rational thought.
- - -
“So you’ve only met her once?” Kenzo asked, needing the confirmation even though Aki had already told him so. Breakfast consisted of water and cigarettes, it was the only thing he could stomach after four days of constant drinking. But for the first time in the same amount of days Kenzo felt rested.
“Yes,” Aki nodded and swallowed down a bite of toast with some coffee. “Even held her, but it felt weird. I guess I wasn’t ready then.”
“Then?” the drummer asked. “Means you miss her.”
It wasn’t a question and Aki didn’t deny it. When he first learnt about his daughter four years ago she had seemed little more than a bother, but ever since he learnt Naoto and Yuki had moved to Tokyo, Aki had wondered what it would be like to know her. He knew what she looked like, but who was she? What were her habits? Her favourite colour? Which song did she hum when playing for herself? Haru ga kita perhaps? It was ridiculous to try and guess of course, but Haru ga kita had been one of Aki’s favourite songs as a child and he liked the idea of having something, anything in common with his daughter.
“I don’t know why,” he said eventually. “But lately I’ve wished I’d made a different choice back then.”
“No.” Kenzo stubbed the cigarette and took a deep drink of water, lit another smoke and never looked up as he mumbled, “You wish you’d never had to choose.”
Aki had no idea how many moments or minutes passed between the statement and him moving. Enough for him to let the thought run its course, the idea of having both Kenzo and Naoto in his life. It was a dream, he knew that, impossible to attain without disrupting the lives of too many people, but knowing Kenzo allowed him to harbour it felt beyond fantastic.
Dropping his own burned out cigarette in his coffee mug, the liquid had gone cold and undrinkable anyway, he got up and moved around the table. Kenzo allowed his face to be lifted and Aki kissed him long and slow, felt fingers tangle softly in his hair and the kiss was returned.
“I love you,” Aki said lowly, spoke words he said too rarely against bitten lips tangy with nicotine.
“I love you too,” Kenzo said without a beat of hesitation. “And if you ever keep something like this from me again I’m walking away.”
The confession before the threat proved his point. During their four or so years as an exclusive couple, Aki could probably count the times he’d heard Kenzo openly say he loved him on one hand. He’d never heard him say he’d leave. It hurt, the idea and the words, because he knew it was true. In trusting Kenzo with his deepest secret, Aki had come closer to losing him than he ever wanted to be again. Copying the move of tangling fingers in soft locks, black at the time being, he leant his forehead on Kenzo’s and simply breathed in the knowledge he was there.
“I promise,” he whispered and hoped his voice sounded stronger than he felt.
Even with his eyes closed he felt the small smile on Kenzo’s lips, and he knew the drummer understood.
- - -
Aki turned the knob knowing the door would be unlocked. The girl by his side however, didn’t.
“You don’t lock your door?!” she exclaimed in a shocked tone and gave Aki the most reproachful look imaginable. “Don’t you know it’s dangerous? There are burglars, you could get robbed!”
He looked down at his daughter as they stepped over the threshold together, still slightly stunned by the fact she was there and much too proud over the fact she had his eyes. Naoto would be five years old in just a couple of days and it was half the reason Yuki had allowed her to spend the weekend with Aki. It would be the second time she spent a night in the six months since Naoto learnt he existed.
It’d taken Aki months to build up the confidence to face Yuki again, in the end a decision supported wholeheartedly by Kenzo. Aki would never forget the day he finally did cross the park, walked across almost frost bitten grass and towards mother and daughter, where only the younger looked truly pleased to be outdoors in mid October. The moment he saw Naoto up close all the feelings that probably should’ve filled him the first time he held her came crashing through his body, and he knew he needed to get to know his child.
Yuki had objected, of coursed, pointed out the fact Naoto had a father already in the man Yuki had married. Only once Aki ensured he didn’t want to replace Yuki’s husband, his life was much to busy to be a full time father, but merely wished to have a chance at knowing his daughter did she agree. It was a slow process of meeting, introducing, build up a relationship and explain things when Naoto proved far too bright for her age and began asking difficult questions about ‘who’ and ‘how’ and ‘why’. She’d never called him dad or father or anything similar, always just Aki and Aki was honestly fine with that.
“I do lock my door,” he belatedly replied the reprimand. “But you don’t have to lock when someone is inside, right?”
“You have a friend over?” Naoto asked, overly social excitement bubbling up as she allowed her jacket to be taken off and didn’t bother to untie her sneakers as she kicked them off her feet.
Aki hung the little jacket, green and still with a tomboyish flare, as far from girly pink as you’d get, between his own and an all too familiar leather one. Putting the miniature sneakers aside he sat down on his heels to get to eye level with his child.
“Yes,” he confirmed. “I have a very special friend over, one I want you to meet and hope you will like.”
“Is he your best friend?” she asked, dark eyes bright and curious. She gasped. “Or is it a girl?!”
A chuckle escaped him and Aki was tempted to tell her just how right she was in both her assumptions, only he wasn’t sure Naoto was familiar with the concept of homosexuality and today didn’t seem like the time to teach her.
“Yes, he is definitely my best friend,” he settled on in the end.
“Then I want to meet him!” Naoto beamed brightly.
Standing up Aki offered his hand and Naoto took it, her small soft one disappearing in his much larger calloused one. They walked into the living room and Kenzo looked up from his position on the sofa. The air was fresh and free of smoke, but Kenzo’s thumb nail looked like it’d suffered through the drummer’s denied need for nicotine. Aki’s heart took an extra leap at the knowledge Kenzo had listened to his request of no smoking when Naoto came over.
“Naoto, this is Kenzo,” he said softly. “A very special friend of mine. Kenzo, come say hi to my daughter.”
Even from across the room Aki could see Kenzo swallow, but the younger stood up and walked the short distance between them. Naoto made big eyes but didn’t say anything as the drummer crouch down in front of her. For several moments they stared each other down and Aki felt nervousness begin to crawl up his spine when no words were spoken.
“Hi there,” Kenzo finally said, breaking the ice with his characteristic mumbled speech and deep deep voice, and Naoto’s eyes grew impossibly bigger.
“Woah...,” she whispered clearly shocked, or perhaps impressed. The moment seemed to pass when Kenzo stood back up again and instead a massive giggle escaped childish lips. “You’re short!”
Aki burst out laughing even though he tried not to and Naoto’s giggles transformed into full laughter.
“Hey!” Kenzo said, clearly not as upset as he normally would’ve been at such a statement. “You’re shorter.”
“I’m still growing,” she fired back immediately and Kenzo grinned.
“Okay, I like you,” he said. “You can call me Zo if you want, only people I like are allowed to do that.”
“Okay Zo!”
Black eyes met Aki’s brown as the drummer looked up, nodded his head almost invisibly as if to say that yes, this would work. Aki looked between the two of them, and right then he felt like he had everything he needed right in front of him. A small smile tugged at the corners of Kenzo’s lips and Aki knew he knew, in that infuriatingly inexplicable way he always did.
“Ey kid,” he said and glanced down at Naoto. “I happen to know there’s ice cream in the freezer. Think you can open the door yourself?”
“I’m not a kid,” Naoto pouted and showed off another trait she’d obviously inherited from her biological father. “Is it strawberry ice cream?”
“With real strawberries,” Kenzo nodded and very indiscreetly nodded his head in the direction of the kitchen. Naoto beamed with happiness and took off, and Kenzo immediately stepped into Aki’s embrace. “Happy now?” he whispered against pierced lips.
Aki kissed him and tangled fingers in dark hair, pulled back much earlier than he would’ve wanted. Making eye contact he tried to say all the things he didn’t dare utter out loud at the moment through one prolonged look. It was more than enough.
“Aki!” Naoto yelled from the kitchen. “I can’t open the box!”
They both laughed and Aki stole a final quick kiss. “Welcome to life as a parent baby,” he whispered and headed towards the kitchen, Kenzo following close behind.