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The adrenaline rush from the concert right after the climax is so high, it always made me feel alive. Like a sun to a solar panel, their thundering claps and chants for an encore never fail to recharged my energy, made me giddy with excitement that urged me to run through the crowds, highfiving the audience for making the best kind of noises during the concert. Tonight was incredible though, they were very responsive to every little things the members did, especially during the freestyle dance part in Heungtan Sonyeondan. The audience screamed so loud it pierced through the earpiece. I grinned as my eyes scans the backstage only to find the man responsible for the madness standing a few metre away from me with his eyes already glued on me.
As soon as our eyes met he immediately did his open mouthed smile trademark, but there's something in his eyes that stirred the inside of my stomach, challenging, up to a point that I have to looked away from him to be able to breathe properly.
It happened again.
I don't know when did it start, but it's been awhile since I notice the slight shift between us. It's not that noticable in any other time, but in these few breathing moments inbetween the intermissions, the shift feels heavy on my shoulder. It was my fault. Most of the time I can retained myself from being so obvious, but at times like this, I just couldn't help but being drawn onto him.
I silently curse the way my lung capacity shrunk under his stares. It sometimes feel like he knew what I'm feeling. How could he not when every other member did? They sometimes teased me for it, but as the time passes, the tease starting to turn into pity (?). And it's annoying because, if my obvious affection for him in these kind of moment is not obvious enough, their actions just made it worse. I was worried that he would confront me, but thankfully never happen. Though should I really be thankful for something that cause me misery? Because, yes, it's great that I can just pretend that there's nothing going on, but there's a part of me that want him to know, to get it over with. It's awful to keep repressing my feelings, but I couldn't risk it. I couldn't take it if I confess to him and he rejects me. Not because I fear of rejection, but because I don't want to disturb the group dynamics. We are a pretty tight knitted group and I don't want to jeopardize this friendship for my own selfish feelings. I do suffered from time to time from his obliviousness, but it's nothing that I couldn't handle. Besides, I'm fairly content with the situation right now. We have our own language, our own world, creating shenanigans together. He is my best friend and that is enough for most of the time, hence the ability to keep it down at any other time.
After gaining some semblance of composure, I trained my eyes back onto him. The challenging stares were still there, it feels even more heated than before that I couldn't help but have this moment of weakness in which I deluded myself into thinking that he might like me back. The air feels electric that I fear my professionalism would snap and cause me to take those two long strides to pin him to the wall. I gulped and tried my hardest to focus on the cues for the encore stage instead of thinking about him. Unfortunately that is impossible, because we have to use the same entrance. On the last few second before getting back to the stage, his leaned towards me.
"Wait a little more." He whispered as we walked out to the stage for the encore.
He sometimes said things like that. The way he said it somehow seems like it mean something more than about the duration of the concert. But once the concert end, the moments end too. No more glint of heat, not even a single indication that it ever happened. Some of the member would give me a side hug, or if I'm really tired and couldn't control my disappointment, they would give me a solid hug and a pat on my back.
Soon enough, we change our clothes and be on our way to the hotel, then we would turn to our designated room. But tonight is the night universe decide that I haven't suffered enough, and made the manager to roomed us together. He seemed unfazed by it (as it should be) he even looked delighted, his smile does kinda dissipate my disappointment, so I tried my best to mirrored his excitement and followed him to our room.
It was a pretty huge room with two twin size bed with a small nightstand inbetween the beds. We looked at each other for a second before grins creep up our faces and we raced out to get to the bed closer to the windows. There's not much of a different as to where I have to sleep, I'm not really picky, but since he like sleeping close to the windows, annoying him is enough reason for me to put all my might to win the bed. And I did win, by a hair, throwing myself onto the bed before he manage to land any part of his body.
He let out a few mumbled protest and then announcing his claim to use the bathroom, but not before throwing some threat about using all the hot water. I acknowledge his empty threat with a laugh and he flip me off, which of course triggered another peals of laughter.
As soon as the soft click of bathtoom door being locked, the laughter died down. I did my best didn't I? This is what a friend would do to each other right? I don't really know because I don't have much of a friend before joining the group. This the biggest reason for my cowardice. I don't want to screw the only set of friends that I have. Our togetherness is more important than this things that I feel for him. This is why I should never confess. I closed my eyes and sighed at the thought.
I don't know when did I fell asleep, but as soon as a fresh scent of strawberry shampoo assaulting my nose, I know that he's finished using the bathroom. Knowing his routine, it's not more than 20 minutes. I rubbed off the sleep from my eyes and saw him drying his hair with a towel. He was in bathroom robe, white against his perfectly sun-kissed skin. The collar of the robe is a bit loose, revealing the dip of his left clavicle. He raised his eyebrows at me, and I suddenly aware that I've been staring at him for awhile. I jumped off the bed and went straight to the bathroom without saying anything.
The bathroom was warm and the mirror still fogged from the shower. I wiped the mirror and as expected, my face was in an embarrassing shade of crimson. I turned the water on and splash a generous amount of water to my face, will it to lower my face's temperature and stare at my reflection in the mirror as rivulets of water drips down my face. As soon as, I calm myself down, I begin to shed my clothes and went to the shower. I contemplated to take hot shower to help me relaxed, but decided against it and took a cold shower instead, hoping some problem would go away. Funny, that even though the threat is empty, still I ended up freezing my ass off.
* * *
I should've known that my sufferings wouldn't just stop there, because as soon as I stepped out of the bathroom, I saw part of his body on my bed. And when I got closer, he propped himself up with his elbow and turned his body slightly, so he could face me. He grinned as if winning a difficult mind battle as he patted the space next to him. "Come here."
I could just ignore him and settle down on his bed, but his face was showing something akin to unbridled determination, like he would whine and pester me until I get to sleep next to him.
Or is it?
Maybe it's just me that wanted to think that I have no choice but to comply to his soft voice. Maybe I'm just too tired to deny that I want to sleep next to him, even if it's mean nothing more than physical proximity. I want to screamed for the unfairness of the situation.
He patted the bed again. Pulling me out of my internal battle. I sighed as I admit to myself that I do have a choice in all this. I just hope that I can restrain myself from doing something that could lead to awkwardness. Which reminds me of that old song eomma likes to sing
"And then I go and spoiled all, by saying something stupid like I love you"
His smile falters a little, noting my hesitancy, but he again patted the bed and enunciate the words. "Come here."
So I steeled myself from just follow my guts and set myself down to occupy the space beside him. It's a small bed, but big enough that two person can sleep on comfortably. I positioning my body not too close to the edge but still have an ample space to him. Not that it matters though, as soon as I get flat on the bed, he snuggled closer, slotting his body to mine, almost spooning me. My body tensed but quickly melted as he flung his arms and really spooned me. His breath feels warm on my neck, it made me dizzy with the level of intimacy. It's so comfortable, his presence always are when I'm not struggling to fight the pull of his grafity.
"Goodnight." He whispered.
"Goodnight." I said back to him, even though that wasn't the words I'm dying to say to him.
I felt a soft kiss in my hair and smiled. This is okay, I'm content to keep my feelings to myself, as long as I can be with him like this, forever.