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How many times has Thor watched his brother die?
Even as a child, Loki loved to scare Thor during their little fights. When Thor cast him to the ground a bit harder than usual, he would stay immobile for what seemed like eternity to Thor. As his abilities to create illusions grew greater, Loki even became capable of stopping his heart from beating for a short while. Only when Thor’s panicked breathes changed to desperate sobs as he called his brother’s name, Loki would suddenly jump up with a grin on his face.
It happened rather often but Thor could never get used to it. Loki though it utterly amusing.
Loki did not understand how much the thought of losing a loved one could hurt.
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When Loki fell, Thor thought he would die the moment he disappeared. Loki betrayed him and almost completely destroyed a small town, but Thor wouldn’t mind the whole Midgard being shattered into ash if it would bring his brother back.
There was only a gaping hole in a place where his heart used to be. The pain flowed through his veins like a thick poison, making him emptier with each passing minute. He did not leave his chambers for months. He did not cry – all his tears were gone within days following Loki’s death. He stared at the golden walls, but he could only see Loki’s face, as pale as the snow that was falling behind the tall windows of his room.
He punched the wall hundreds of times, creating a dark smear with his bloody knuckles. He hit again and again and again for hours until he had no force left and he dropped to the floor, barely able to breathe.
Frigga found him there, curled in the corner. Both of his wrists were broken and four of his fingers were crooked in unnatural angles, a piece of white bone peeking from his little finger.
He never felt the pain from his injuries. It was not strong enough to break through the shell of agony that grew around him after Loki’s death.
---
One day passed after another and Thor did not let his pain out again. Instead, he hid it inside him, feeding it with every memory he had of Loki.
Even though Thor felt that way, none of the worlds ceased existing. Midgard needed him again. He went, guided by a strange tingling feeling at the back of his head.
He knew Loki was there from the moment he saw the airplane. Nothing could stop him from taking his brother with him. He needed to see Loki’s face again, to look into his eyes, to know he was truly alive.
None of it went according to Thor’s expectations, but he could not care less. Loki was alive. He was alive. Thor repeated those words to himself even as they fought against each other on the top of the tower.
His brother was alive and he would not let him fall for a second time.
---
The sight of Loki in chains was almost too painful to handle. Knowing his brother would be imprisoned until the end of his days turned the air in Thor’s lungs into stone.
Thor had so much to say, so much to ask, but he knew Loki would not hear him now. He feared Loki would hate him even more if Thor visited him in the blank white cell that was supposed to hold him for the rest of his life.
In the end, Thor came to him for help. The person in the cell was a different Loki than the one he knew before. This Loki was broken and changed and Thor still loved him more than anything.
Thor wanted to tell him everything, to let Loki know how important and dear he was to him. In the end, he never voiced his thoughts.
---
Loki’s white skin shone against the black dust like a distant star. Thor was cradling him in his arms, his eyes following each delicate trait of Loki’s face. This was the closest he has been to his brother in years. This was the closest they would ever get.
Thor watched the life seep from Loki’s body.
He told to himself it was just another trick. Loki’s foolish idea to repeat his actions from their childhood. Thor was convinced Loki’s eyes would flicker open after a few moments, his heart would start to beat anew. Thor would be half mad by then, but Loki would grin and everything else would be forgotten.
It never happened.
---
There was no pain left in Thor. He was drained, empty, ruined. He walked through the halls of Asgard like a ghost. He did not sleep nor eat. When asked a question, he replied, the words leaving his mouth dry like ashes. After a few months, no one attempted to speak to him anymore.
Even with no emotion left, Thor grew more and more restless. Walking through a corridor, he could feel something following him, soft paces whispering on the cold floors. Nothing was there when he turned around.
Gazing into his mirror, Thor seldom looked at his own tortured face. He could almost see something…someone behind him, hiding just at the edge of the reflection. He imagined soft skin and black hair.
Sometimes, at night, while he was trying to keep sleep at bay to avoid terrible nightmares full of black dust, pale skin and scarlet blood, he heard gentle murmurs. They were calling him, repeating his name in a voice that was too familiar.
It was madness. Thor knew. His brother died out there. Thor held him in his arms as he said his last words. He saw his lifeless body. Thor knew his brother was dead.
Still, he longed to believe none of it was real.
He was desperate to see it was just another of Loki’s illusions.