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His chest feels tight and his eyes feel like they’re full of sand and broken glass shreds. It’s dark, probably 2 or 3 am, but he can’t sleep, he can’t breathe and everything is just too much.
Tyler sits up and claws at his throat, trying to choke out the broken glass of unspoken doubts and sharp edged words, but he can’t.
Panicking, trashing , panting, Tyler rolls off his hotel bed and thumps onto the soft carpet beneath. He claws at the fabric, trying to figure out how to stop whatever is trying to choke him .
He can’t do anything else but crawl, so he wills his hands and legs to move and drags himself towards the bathroom where maybe he’ll be able to throw up or drown whatever is chocking him so cruelly.
Once he’s in the dim bathroom he realizes he can’t do anything but sit there and wait for the waves of doubt and fear wash over him like tsunami. He’s helpless, so helpless it’s almost funny how he can’t control his own body. Everything is twitching, his arms, his legs, his lungs. He tries to make a sound, but all that comes out is a sob.
Why does he have to be like this ? Why can’t his brain just let him be and stop reminding him of every little mistake he’s ever made in his life ?
He remembers that time when he told his mom that she’s not a good mother to her children , the memory making him sob even harder. He remembers screaming at one of his closest friends back home that he will never come back, because nobody wants him to come back anyway. He remembers making his parents cry and making Josh cry and running away from home when he was 14.
Everything just keeps hitting and hitting and hitting him until he has no more air inside of his lungs to breathe.
Tyler bangs hard on the lid of the toilet and lets out a half scream, half sob, because he just can’t do anything else.
His hands shake so hard he can’t even steady himself enough to get the water running and spray some on his face. All he can do is shake, choke, sob and cry.
His head is rested on his knees when the warm pair of hands land on his shoulders gently.
“ Ty ? Can you hear me ? “ and thank Heaven ,Tyler thinks when he hears his best friend’s worried tone. “ Ty ? “ Josh’s voice sounds tired and sleepy, but the fear is evident and cuts through the fog in Tyler’s brain.
“ Ca-can’t br-breathe “ he chokes out and lets Josh lean him back against the cold bathroom wall.
“ Okay, it’s okay, you’re fine. Just follow my breathing. I’ll breathe with you and we’ll both be fine “ Josh says and draws a deep breath “ Come on Ty, just breathe for me “ Tyler does his best to breathe in, but the sharp pieces of glass that has been stuck in his throat won’t let him. He sobs again and hears Josh shuffle on the ground next to him.
There’s a sound of water running and the next moment something cold and moist touches his face. It must be a wet towel and it feels so good Tyler actually manages to draw in a painful breath.
“There you go. Just breathe for me. Just breathe “ Josh encourages him and keeps wiping his sweaty face and neck with the wonderfully cool towel.
Tyler breathes. He draws in breath after breath but they all come out as sobs. He can’t contain them inside, can’t suppress them even though he knows how much he’s upsetting his best friend.
In the meantime Josh wets his hair and brings something close to Tyler’s mouth.
“ This is water. Can you drink ? Are you okay to swallow ? “ Tyler nods and opens his mouth to let Josh sip little bits of water inside. There’s some kind of a pill slipped along with the water, but Tyler is too tired and breathless to care. All he wants is to lay down and sleep until all of the pain inside his chest goes away.
“ Are you feeling better? “ Josh’s voice shakes and he’s probably crying , but Tyler can’t tell because the lights are not on and he’s still in a blur.
“ Yeah. “ he manages to say and hears Josh sigh with realief.
“ Okay. Let’s get you back to bed , alright ? “
No, no, he doesn’t want to go back to that bed. Whatever threw him into this wild panic attack came from that bed. Maybe it was a nightmare or a memory , or just a feeling , he doesn’t want to experience it again.
“ Can I stay with you ? “ Tyler asks with terribly weak voice and Josh nods, smiling.
“ Sure. Let’s just get you up “ thank God Josh is strong, because Tyler’s strength has completely left his body. The drummer half carries, half leads Tyler to his hotel room and gently places him on top of his unmade bed.
“ Do you want more water ? Or something else ? “ Josh asks, standing next to the bed where Tyler is curled up.
Tyler shakes his head. All he wants is the safety of Josh’s hands and the reassurance that his friend is there and nothing bad will happen to him.
“ No, just please stay with me “
“ Okay “ Josh takes his shoes off and crawls underneath the blanket, scooting close to Tyler “ Did you have a bad dream ? “ Josh asks after a bit and sniffles. Tyler can feel his heart hammering away so wildly it scares the singer. Did he scare Josh that much ?
“ No , I was just being dumb “
“ Being scared doesn’t make you dumb “ Josh answers and lets Tyler hug him “ It doesn’t make you weak either. Okay ? You’re the strongest person I know, Ty. “ it’s barely believable, but the honestly in Josh’s voice makes him believe that his friend really means it.
“ I’m sorry I scared you “ he tries to apologize, but obviously makes it worse instead, because Josh hiccups next to him “ I’m so sorry, J “
“ No, it’s okay. I just heard you crying and I thought that something happened “ Josh says , obviously trying not to cry “ Don’t worry about it “ he reassures Tyler and moves to kiss his forehead. Josh’s face is definitely wet and Tyler wants to stop being so fucking weak and pathetic.
“ I’m not brave “ Tyler whispers “ I’m not strong or brave. You are. I’m so weak I can barely stand myself sometimes “ he admits and feels Josh shake his head.
“ That’s not true Ty. You may think that you’re weak , but you keep trying. And if you tried and failed , you’re still brave. Because courage is in the trying, not the succeeding “
In the silence that follows Tyler realizes two things : one - that his best friend is the wisest and kindest person in the Universe and two - that whatever happens inside of his fucked up and twisted brain can’t win as long as he keeps trying to fight it. So he fights.