Work Text:
“Do you understand your orders?”
Zemo’s voice was silky.
“Da,” Bucky replied.
Fuck you.
Had he really thought that he could get away so easy? That once HYDRA fell he would be free? There would always be someone with a shitty motive to find out what the words did and use them against him. He would never be free.
--
“Your mom's name was Sarah… you used to wear newspapers in your shoes…” Bucky rasped.
“Bucky then,” Steve said shortly.
Bucky somehow managed a smile.
Please god Stevie… you have to know something's wrong. You have to know something's not right with me.
But Steve and Sam were talking quietly about their options.
Please don't make me do this.
--
Bucky did not want to go to fucking Siberia. He wanted to tell everyone to nuke the shit out of the base so he wouldn't have to worry about the other Soldier’s or Zemo ever again.
But Zemo gave him orders to get the Captain to Siberia.
So that's what he was doing.
--
It was me. I killed your parents. I did it and I'm sorry. I was forced to.
Those were the words Bucky wanted to say the moment Tony appeared at the base. But he couldn't. He was still under orders.
‘Don't communicate in any way with Tony Stark.’
Bucky could do nothing but wait and watch.
There was a deep ache in his chest as we watched the last of the Stark lineage. Bucky had fucked up so much of Stark’s life and he couldn't say anything about it. He couldn't apologize.
Stark had been so willing to help and listen to Steve when he arrived at the base. He wanted to help out because Bucky was important to Steve, and Steve was clearly important to Tony.
(In some alternate universe, Bucky reasoned, he and Tony would probably be friends).
At least… until he saw the video of Bucky killing his parents.
“Don't bullshit me Rogers! Did you know?”
Oh no.
--
The massive metal hatch slammed closed. He couldn't run now. Fuck he couldn't run from this. Bucky had no other option now. He had to fight back.
He didn't want to. God he didn't. But he couldn't tell anyone that. He couldn't tell them he was under orders.
There was nowhere to run. He couldn't just sit there and do nothing while Stark carried out a full fledged attack on him (not that he didn't deserve it).
So he fought.
He fought to get Tony to stop attacking. He wanted to leave. He didn't want to hurt anyone anymore.
But hey.
Orders were orders.
--
His arm was killing him. But the fight was done. Steve had finished it. Bucky looked at Tony. The last of the Starks.
In vivid color he saw what he did to Howard, and then to Maria, and now to Tony. This is what orders did. They ruined lives.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I did this to you and I can't say anything I can't fix this. Please you have to know I didn't want to do this.
So many things he wanted to say and still, nothing came out.
Orders were orders.
--
There was no worse hell, Bucky figured, than not knowing when he would have to follow those fucking orders again.
So he did the one thing he knew how to do.
He asked to go into cryo again.
Steve didn’t really understand why Bucky asked, and Bucky couldn’t explain. What if the orders weren’t done? What if this last mission was never going to be finished? Bucky couldn’t do that again.
He told them that at least if he was in cryo no one could use the words, and that maybe while he’s under the Wakandan scientists could figure out a way to stop the programming.
He had hopes of that happening. But the main priority of cryo was to stop the mission.
He didn't like cryo. Never did. But it was necessary.
No more orders. No more words. No more killing. No more pain. Just sleep.
--
He stepped into the cryo chamber and felt panic settle in his chest.
He thought of what Zemo did to him. What 70 years of orders did to him. What those words did to him. What he would be forced to do if he didn’t go into cryo.
One day this will get fixed. One day I’ll be my own man with no orders and no words.
A familiar chill crept up his spine.
He had one final thought before slipping under.
Orders be damned.