Work Text:
Since the day Alex had taken the open spot in the BAU after Emily Prentiss had left, she had been waiting for Erin to make a move. To call her into her office, bump into one another getting a cup of coffee in the morning, to be asked out after work to catch up and have a few drinks.
Alex knew Erin could never just have a few drinks. There was a lot about Erin that nobody at the BAU knew but her. Not even Aaron knew her better; they hadn’t gone to the academy together, shared their hopes and dreams for the future, became best friends and then finally lovers.
No, nobody knew Erin Strauss quite like Alex did—even after all these years.
Alex did her best to avoid Erin, staying at her desk and making sure their paths did not cross. Erin didn’t even make eye contact with her when she happened to wander through the bullpen, so Alex was considering her plan a success.
Perhaps they could let it go and not speak of it. That would probably be better for the both of them—and the team as well. The team didn’t need any unnecessary baggage that was the complicated relationship between Erin and Alex.
The arrangement was working fine until one day when Alex was sitting at her desk and poring over the morning crossword—pen in hand—and she noticed the little red light indicating an incoming call on her phone.
She had been early today—the first one to wander through the doors of the FBI, wanting to work on her puzzle and have a cup of coffee before the rest of the team showed up and it was back to work. Occasionally, Alex needed downtime.
Perplexed, she started at her phone, the little red light flashing ominously; she never received calls at her desk, JJ or Garcia always contacted her via cellphone. So it wasn’t a case. And if it wasn’t a case…?
“Hello?” Alex said, having picked up the phone from the cradle. She held it against her shoulder, tapping the end of her pen against the wood of her desk.
“Agent Blake?” A woman’s voice on the other side of the line greeted her, sounding far too cheery for so early in the morning.
“Yes, this is Alex Blake.”
“Oh, great. I’m glad I caught you early. Section chief Strauss would like to see you in her office.”
Alex felt a little like a deflating balloon, and she leaned heavily against her desk. “I’m a little busy right now—” she began, before the woman on the other end cut her off.
“It will only take a few minutes, Section chief Strauss has assured me. She’d liked to see you in her office now, before the team gets in and you’re off on a case.”
Letting out a soft puff of air, Alex ran a hand over her face and tried not to panic. She had known this was going to happen, at some point. Ignoring it wasn’t going to make it go away, and knowing Erin as she did, she knew the other woman wasn’t going to brush this under the rug and keep her distance.
No, Erin was a fixer. She always had been, and some things just never change.
“Fine,” Alex said finally, a hint of irritation in her voice, “I’ll head over now.”
“See you then, Agent Blake.”
The line went dead before Alex could even say anything in response, and so she stared loathingly at the receiver for a few moments before setting it back in the cradle and getting up. The bullpen was still dead, although it was a safe bet Hotch would be walking through those doors at any moment.
Better to get this over with now.
Erin’s office was one floor above the BAU, and so Alex took the elevator, scowling the entire way up. There was absolutely nothing she wanted to say to Erin Strauss. Not after all that had happened.
Without bothering to knock, Alex pushed her way into Erin’s office, catching the other woman off guard. She was sitting behind her desk, glasses slid down her nose as she bent over a case file, looking more than a little frustrated.
As much as Alex hated to admit it, Erin was good at her job. And there was nothing quite like watching the other woman work; it brought back to her memories of the Academy, curled together in the back of the enormous library, trading kisses for correct answers while they studied for exams.
She had to push that out of her mind, though. That Erin was gone; this Erin was the one who had tanked her lover’s career, just so she could step over her to reach the top. There was nothing warm and inviting about Erin anymore. She exuded power and vague disinterest, and Alex wondered what she had ever seen in the woman now sitting before her.
Alex tucked her thumbs into her pockets—it was difficult not to be on the defensive, not to cross her arms over her chest—and cleared her throat, loudly enough to startle the woman on the other side of the room.
Glancing up, Erin frowned, obviously taken aback by Alex’s sudden presence in her office. She had been so engrossed in her reading, that she hadn’t heard Alex come in.
“Have you ever heard of knocking?” Erin said, voice a little frosty as she reached up and plucked her glasses off of her face. It was true that she had had her secretary call Alex up here, but she had expected a little more warning than suddenly having the woman she had loved for so long—and the woman she had wronged—in her space.
“You called me up here,” Alex said, raising her eyebrows. “I didn’t think I needed to.”
Erin sighed, trying to avoid looking directly at Alex as she shuffled the papers she had been looking at into a folder and off to one side of her desk. “Have a seat then,” she said, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk.
Alex sat, close the edge as she watched Erin, wondering what the other woman could possibly have to say to her.
Hopefully, it was work related.
Clasping her hands, Erin finally looked Alex in the eye, so nervous that she could feel her pulse racing beneath her skin.
“I called you in here,” she began, “because I wanted to make…amends.”
“Amends?” Alex repeated, somewhat at a loss.
Erin sighed. “Yes. It’s the ninth step in AA, to make amends. And I can’t think of another person who I have wronged more than you.”
Alex snorted. “You got that right, Erin. You can’t fix what you did to me—breaking my heart, ruining my career. I don’t know if I even want to hear you attempt to make amends with me.”
It was just the right thing to say to cut Erin to the core—Alex always had a way with words, and she knew how to inflict maximum damage with them. In college, that had been one of the things that Erin had admired most about the other woman.
Having it directed at her, however? Hurt.
“I know I can’t go back and change it—although I would if I could—but I know how badly I wronged you Alex, and I need you to know how sorry I am.”
“Fine,” Alex said, shaking her head, “if this is what you need to do to get through your steps, and make yourself feel better—consider us mended.” Alex stood up then. “If you don’t mind, I have work to do before the rest of the team gets here.”
“Alex—Alex, wait—”
Alex didn’t bother waiting for a response, and instead started heading towards the door. She had just placed her hand on the door knob when Erin stopped her, a gentle hand on her shoulder.
Heaving a sigh of irritation—all she wanted to do was get away from Erin, far away from her. Even after all these years, the sight of Erin made her heart clench uncomfortably, almost like she couldn’t breathe. She refused to admit that she had never quite been able to move on from Erin. Even after she had married James, Erin was still there—tucked away in the back of her mind. Gone but not forgotten.
“I still love you, Alex.”
Those few words were enough to make Alex’s stomach drop, and her hand fall away from the door knob as she turned to face Erin.
“What?” Was all Alex managed to say, suddenly feeling lost.
“I never stopped loving you,” Erin said, her voice frantic and pleading at the same time; very unlike herself. “And I know you never stopped loving me, either.”
Alex opened her mouth to respond, to deny it—but she knew it was the truth. Erin had been her first love, and despite all of the years and all of the betrayal, her feelings for Erin were still there. Locked deep inside, but present nonetheless.
Erin had her nearly pinned against the door now, moving closer inch by inch. “I know it can’t be the way it was before...” Reaching up, Erin ran her fingers lightly through Alex’s hair.
“No, Erin, it can’t be the way it was before,” Alex quipped, heart fluttering in her chest. Erin was so close. They hadn’t been this close in years.
Smiling sadly, Erin nodded, gazing straight into Alex’s eyes. “But there’s nothing wrong with it being different.”
Erin leaned in then, pressing their lips together, a question more than a kiss.
Alex let out a soft, pained sound. This wasn’t what she wanted – she was married, and she hated Erin for what Erin had done to her. It was unforgivable.
Even with all of those thoughts going through her mind, Alex startled herself by returning the kiss. It felt like going back in time, back to when they were both rookies fresh out of the Academy, trying to find their places in Quantico.
Nostalgia swept over Alex like waves breaking on the shore, and she found herself holding Erin closer, deepening the kiss. Erin’s lips were soft and warm, perfect beneath her own, and god—she had been dreaming of this moment since they had ended their relationship so many years ago.
Pleasantly surprised by the reaction she was receiving, and not wanting to give Alex a chance to change her mind, Erin pinned her to the door in earnest. She tangled her fingers in the other woman’s hair, leaning her head back and kissing her like she had wanted to do since the moment she had told Alex they were over.
Alex’s hands went straight to Erin’s hips, fingers digging into her skin as she held on, needing to anchor herself to the moment so that she wouldn’t float away.
“I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” Erin whispered against her lips, already sounding breathless. She carded her fingers through Alex’s hair, almost reverently.
Making no response, Alex instead pulled Erin flush against her, fingers gripping tightly as she pressed their hips together.
The simple movement made Erin’s eyes flutter, and she took control of the kiss, holding strands of Alex’s hair to keep her from moving. She wanted to study Alex, one hand falling away from the other woman’s hair to her face. Her fingertips traced over laugh lines at the corner of Alex’s eye, lines that hadn’t been there the last time they had kissed. Each one delicate and deep, telling the story of Alex’s life.
A story that she had missed out on; none of those lines were for her.
Alex was lost in the kiss, in the way Erin’s lips felt against her own, the spicy scent of ginger clinging to her skin. It was exactly what she had wanted for so many years—except, something was wrong.
“Stop,” Alex said, her voice coming out far huskier than she would have liked. She reached up and caught Erin’s wrist, pulling the searching fingers down and away from her face.
Erin was her past. James, the BAU, simplicity, trust was her future.
She was able to shove Erin off of her gently, as the other woman seemed to still be caught up in the moment, eyes wide and dazed. Like she hadn’t expected Alex to reject her.
Erin had never been able to handle taking a dose of her own medicine; some things never changed.
Quickly smoothing her hair and shirt, Alex took only a few seconds to collect herself before she backed out of the door and let it click shut softly behind her. She didn’t bother to look back at Erin as she left; she knew what she would see on the other woman’s face.
It would be close to the heartbreak and hopelessness that had been so apparent on her own face thirty years ago.