Chapter Text
You felt as if you were in hell.
IV tubes ran from the bags filled with painkillers to the needles that pricked your arms. Your vision was fuzzy and you could barely sit up. You barely even have the luxury of exploring your thoughts of how pitiful you were because of the constant beep…beep…beep that echoed in the background, breaking you out of your pity party every now and again before you slowly dived back into it.
I hate being alone…
The RFA was good about keeping you company, and they tried to make sure you had someone at your side every day. Today was the rare occasion you had no one but yourself. So right now, you could only feel every physical and mental pain that plagued you ever since Saeran shot you.
He never came anymore.
Why did you have to fall in love with the man they told you lost his fiancé a mere year ago? Why did you care so much for someone who barely participated in the group chats? At first it had been admiration and a sense of gratitude, for he could have easily told you to delete the app and never mention this to anyone, but he welcomed you with open arms, but your little high-school-crush-on-the-upperclassman turned into much more.
But now that you pondered it, you wondered if he even wanted to accept you into the RFA. You chuckled pitifully as you came to a realization he may have wanted to just close the gap Rika left after her “suicide” and have someone else handle the guests, as well as shut the other members up about holding another party.
Yes, you realized as you felt a strange wetness on your face, he never cared about you as a person at all. He just wanted everyone else to have someone to cling onto while he did God-knows-what. Chasing after Rika, you guessed? You couldn’t remember anymore to be honest. Your memory was too fuzzy from being on these drugs. You should have a word with your doctor about the dosage.
At first, it did seem like he would care for you like the others had. As a repayment for saving his life, he paid for all the hospital expenses even when Jumin offered to do so, and he visited you with the rest of the RFA, usually coming in with his childhood friend Jumin and his right hand man Saeyoung to see you (well, not see because she did blind him, and–her…).
She hurt him so badly...
You remembered her crazed state as you first met her, to the point where thinking too hard about it made your head ache. She spoke of paradise, of being a savior, of helping others in a way that terrified you because of how close it was to your ideals… …But the memories of that night still haunted you when you saw how he spoke to her, like she still owned his whole heart, and like you weren’t even there. But after a blur filled with heartache and panic, you vividly remember Saeran pointing the gun at him with every intention to kill him, and in a fraction of a second, you felt a searing pain in your chest as you realized you took the bullet instead of him...and that you jumped in front of him...
But after everything with Rika, he still loved her. Why?! Why did he visit her religiously when you had literally TAKEN A BULLET FOR HIM!? Why did he forgive her so easily when she hurt him and so many other people? She fucking ABUSED him, to the point of robbing him of everything. His mental state, his eyes and his sight, his career, and yet she gets a free pass because she loved him so much before?
What about you? Why did you have to constantly ask whoever came in if he was coming, and badger Jumin and Saeyoung about letting him know you wanted to see him, and have to deal with their slight discomfort, when you hated making people feel like that?
Better yet, instead of just focusing on him, you wondered if the whole RFA saw you as a replacement of Rika. From day one, you were expected to take on Rika’s job and you imposed the task of helping everyone in the RFA on yourself. But sometimes you wondered who they were looking at… Was it always going to be like this? Were you always going to walk in Rika’s shadow? Were you always going to be her replacement? Would they only want you as long as Rika wasn’t there? You knew from the start about how Yoosung saw y-
You halted that line of questioning yourself when you noticed just how wet your face had gotten. Before you had gotten too far up, the nurse had entered the room.
“Ma’am, you have a visitor.” Your eyes widened, and as you felt your chest tighten, you croaked out his name.
“V…”