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It’s too loud in here.
Always too loud at Rachel’s parties. Chloe’s never at ease here, in these houses where teenagers congregate under the auspices of that bullshit Blackwell club. Too many people. Not enough Rachel.
She hasn’t seen Rachel for a half hour. Knows she’s not supposed to just follow her around like a lost puppy, but what else do you do at these things? Try to find a spot on that couch with the preps draped across every inch of it? Try to talk over this godawful electronica?
Chloe looks out the sliding glass doors to the back porch. Yeah, not there either. Maybe a good place for a smoke break if there weren’t six people already there. Jesus. How does Rachel know all these people? How does anyone?
She knows you’re supposed to just drink and relax and hang out with these people. These strangers. But she doesn’t want to be here, she wants to be out somewhere in the woods, or with Rachel in her room, just them, no one else.
She keeps thinking that these days. Once, it was fine to just go where Rachel was. Now, it’s just not.
Chloe doesn’t want to stand in the middle of the hall and think about this. There has to be a way out.
There. Door to the basement. Maybe there’s quiet.
As soon as she shuts the door behind her, she feels instant relief. The music dulls as she trudges down the stairs, into something that smells good.
Of the drugs that Rachel’s introduced Chloe to, weed is by far the superior option. Drinking is always fun, but only for a while, and then Chloe says something stupid or hurts herself or starts crying and it’s not fun anymore. Pot’s always been something else. It’s quiet, soft moments in Rachel’s room, listening to the sound of her stereo, the hum of her breath. It’s holding hands on her bed, staring into her ceiling, patterned with glow-in-the-dark stars.
The scent is enough to keep her going down into the quiet, little moments washing over her. By the time she reaches the landing, the party upstairs feels far away, despite the bass still pumping through the walls.
She searches for the source of the smell in this underlit, uncarpeted place,and finds a couch tucked into one of the corners, facing a blank old CRT television set. Smoke curls up from the end of the couch that she can’t see.
She weighs her options. On the one hand, stranger, probably a Vortex Club prep, someone she’ll end up not liking because she never likes anyone, or at least that’s what Rachel makes her feel like. On the other, she wants to stay down here, and she wants a hit.
Drugs win out and she stomps purposefully over, trying to give the stranger some kind of warning. The person on the couch jumps up, curling up her legs so that she’s not stretched across its entire length anymore. She’s almost as tall as Chloe, with a long brown ponytail and big triangular earrings dangling down off her head. Chloe has a vague hint of recognition, but can’t place her.
“Oh! Hey,” the girl says.
“Hey yourself,” Chloe replies, leaping over the couch and settling down next to her. “What’re you doing down here?”
“Oh, just...needed to get away for a little bit, you know? Kinda intense up there.” The girl swings her legs over the side so that she’s sitting upright, and Chloe glances at the pipe in her hands.
“Yeah, I feel that. That Justin’s pipe?” Chloe inquires, cocking her head and studying it further. Yup, that’s Cookie Monster, all right. The weird little orbs on top of the bowl that look like eyes.
The girl smiles. “Yeah, when I said I wanted to chill, he’s just like, ‘cool’ and hands me this.”
“Well I want to chill,” Chloe says pointedly, smirking at her.
She laughs. “Point taken.” She passes the pipe and a lighter over as she asks, “You’re Chloe, right? Rachel’s friend?”
Something in Chloe twinges at the thought of being defined as just Rachel’s friend, but on the other hand, that means everyone knows that she and Rachel run together. She settles for a “Yup, that’s me,” before taking her first hit.
“Yeah, I’ve seen you around. I love what you did with your hair, that’s new, right?”
Chloe blows smoke out her nose slowly before answering. “Oh, um, yeah,” she murmurs, tracing the blue streak that Rachel helped her put in. David screamed at her about it for a half hour today. That’s why Rachel decided to rescue Chloe and bring her here. So much for that.
“I’m Dana,” the girl says as she takes the pipe back.
“Right!” Chloe exclaims suddenly. “Cheerleader!” She’s got an image of her head, yeah, this girl in her cheer uniform hanging out with Justin and Trevor every once in a while before they roll out to the skate park together. She looks different in jeans and a fairly ill-fitting V-neck (Chloe can see like, one entire cup of her bra) but...not bad. Actually, the more Chloe looks at her, the more she thinks she made the right choice coming down here.
“Mhmm. I’ve seen you ride with the guys a couple times, you’re really good.” Dana takes a long drag. She falls back into the couch when she’s done, sighing happily. She starts giggling as Chloe takes the pipe out of her limp hands.
“What’s so funny?” Chloe asks, though there is something charming about this girl being this stoned.
“Oh, it’s just — just had a thought.” Dana shakes her head and clears her throat. “It’s just, like, you know Trevor has a thing for you, right?”
“Eugh,” Chloe responds automatically, not really sure why.
“Oh, come on, he’s a nice guy,” Dana chides gently.
Chloe feels a worry rising in her stomach. She deflects with, “Whatever, why’d you have to bring it up now?”
“Oh, I…” Dana giggles to herself again. “Just, nothing, forget about it.”
“Dana, you can’t just do this to me,” Chloe insists, on the attack now. There’s something in Dana’s blushing face that makes her burn with curiosity. “Come on, spill it or you don’t get this back,” she warns, waving the pipe in front of Dana’s face.
Dana takes a little bit to get her giggling under control again, so Chloe rolls her eyes and takes a long hit, blowing out a careful smoke ring when she’s finished. As she lays the equipment down on the empty couch cushion, Dana’s eyes flit to her, then away again. Chloe raises an eyebrow. “Well?”
“It’s just, like...I can see why,” Dana admits quietly.
Chloe’s eyes widen. “What?”
“I don’t know. You’re pretty cool. Oh my God, what am I even saying,” Dana groans to herself, looking away.
Chloe’s mouth is dry. Could just be the pot. Probably not. Probably something else. Something that itches at the back of her mind constantly these days. Something that people whisper behind her back, about that dyke who’s following around Rachel Amber hoping for a pity-fuck. That girl with daddy issues. The chick who threw up on a guy once during a drunken hookup and ran out and never even said sorry.
Dana goes to Blackwell. She’s probably heard it all. Is she really…? Or is she just fucking with Chloe, like everyone else?
Chloe’s taken too long to say anything, but she scoots closer. “What are you talking about?” she asks.
“I dunno, just...you’re really pretty. And you’ve got a nice sense of humor, and a good laugh, and, and I don’t know, it’s not like I really know you or anything, I just see you once in a while,” Dana says, giggling a little still and keeping her eyes off Chloe. “It’s just...something I’ve been thinking about lately…”
“What is?” Chloe asks. She’s whispering and she’s not sure why. She feels like no one should hear them or see them.
Dana seems to be having trouble forming words as Chloe leans in. She’s still smiling, but almost by reflex. She looks scared, but there’s excitement in those wandering eyes. And then they find Chloe’s, and stay there, and Dana turns her body towards Chloe. Her hand reaches up and fingers glide across Chloe’s cheek, then cup her chin.
Dana closes her eyes, breath wavering in the air between them. Before Chloe can stop herself, she’s leaning in.
Dana’s lips are soft, but they capture Chloe effortlessly. It’s slow, so slow, Dana’s fingers pressing into Chloe’s skin, a low moan in the back of Dana’s throat. When she finally pulls away, she breathes out a “Wow.”
The worst part is that Chloe can see it.
Chloe can see herself falling into this. She can see herself going to Dana’s cheer practices, and performances, and watching her do her moves. She can see herself kissing Dana again, and again, and more than that, the same flashes of imagery she gets when she thinks of Rachel. She can imagine doing all of what she does with Rachel, following her around, getting high with her, wanting to be close and alone all the time, with Dana, too. She doesn’t know Dana, but God, she wants to, she would if she could, and she knows why.
The worst part is that this isn’t just something that Rachel does to Chloe. Because that always felt familiar, and seeing this girl’s brown hair in that ponytail and her slightly goofy smile just reminds her of the other girl who always made her feel so special. The one who left.
This is just a part of her. This is the worst part of her.
Dana’s eyes are boring into Chloe. She looks stunned, but her hand is still on Chloe’s face, the other slowly sliding along Chloe’s thigh. Shivers run up Chloe’s skin. She swallows. The moment between them is suspended in the air.
It comes crashing down when they hear the door to the upstairs open suddenly, Chloe jumping back from Dana on the couch. A boy calls out, “Dana, you here?”
“Yeah!” Dana calls, her face flushed as Chloe looks away and tries to not exist.
“Need my pipe back!” Justin announces as he thuds down the stairs.
Chloe scrambles for the pipe and hands it to Dana as Justin approaches the couch. “Oh, hey, Chloe, didn’t know you were here, man!” Justin says, sweeping out his arms.
“I actually — I gotta go,” Chloe mumbles, getting up off the couch and running past him.
“Ooh, shit. Bathroom’s right across the hall when you get up there!” Justin calls as she takes the steps up, two at a time, leaving Dana staring after her with confusion on her face.
Chloe does lock herself in the bathroom. The noise up here pounds into her skull. She sits down on the toilet, clutching at her hair, trying not to let it out. The tears flow, but she can’t sob. No one can hear that. Better they think she’s wasted.
Rachel can’t find out. If Rachel knows, everything will have to be over. She’ll pull away. She doesn’t want Chloe that way. She wants men, always does, always has. If she knows what Chloe is, then she’ll leave. People always leave Chloe, in the end.
Rachel finds her in the tub in the morning. She pretends she passed out, but she counted every second as it went by.
They pass by the living room couch on their way out of the house. Dana lies on top of Justin, eyes closed and peaceful. Chloe takes one glance and one only. Dana didn’t want her either, not really.
Dana doesn’t stir until Chloe is on her way home.
They don’t talk at the next party.