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Sunggyu doesn’t really think about it until the day he and Woohyun fight—again—and he seeks out Dongwoo for insight—again. It’s all happened dozens of times before, so routine at this point that Sunggyu barely even has to think about it, but this time Dongwoo is in his room working on raps for their upcoming single with Hoya and when Sunggyu raises his eyebrows and clears his throat enough that eventually even Hoya can’t pretend he isn’t getting the hints, Hoya finally gets up off the bed and snorts at Sunggyu as he passes him on the way to the door.
“Sometimes I think Dongwoo-hyung is better at being Woohyun’s boyfriend than you are,” Hoya mutters, and it’s just Hoya being typically snarky, always finding something teasing to say, and none of them even bother with getting upset at the things Hoya says anymore, not unless he’s fighting with one of them and intending for the words to cut.
But for some reason, these words, this moment, snag at something inside Sunggyu, something that’s been there for longer than he can estimate but that he’s been very good at ignoring. He makes himself ignore it now, too, shoving whatever it is to the back of his mind and going over to sit down on the bed by Dongwoo and start the conversation he’d planned.
Just like always, Dongwoo knows exactly what’s wrong with Woohyun, and just like always, he leads Sunggyu to understanding with a patience Sunggyu will never be able to imitate. Sunggyu accepts Dongwoo’s wisdom, mentally calculates how to get back in Woohyun’s good graces, and then spends the rest of the evening watching a movie and play wrestling with Dongwoo, just like always. But later, when he’s back in his room, staring at the red numbers of the digital clock across the room and listening to Myungsoo and Sungjong’s deep breathing, Hoya’s words bubble up again in his mind, and he can’t shake them away.
They wriggle their way to the forefront of his consciousness again and again over the next few days as he patches things up with Woohyun, leads the members in numbing hours of dance practice, steers them from one schedule to the next, makes phone calls to his mom, practices his vocals with the coach, listens to Nell in the van. It gets to the point where he can’t convince himself he isn’t brooding over it, but he can’t stop either, and there’s no one he can talk to about it—the only ones he ever talks to about serious things are Woohyun and Dongwoo, and God knows he can’t go to either one of them about this. He’s going to have to work this out for himself, but no matter how he turns it over and over in his mind, he doesn’t make any progress at all. He doesn’t want to think about what that says about how much he relies on both of them.
One day during dinner, Sungyeol elbows him in the ribs, and he jolts back to himself and finds that he’s chewing on his cuticles and staring across the table at Dongwoo and Woohyun goofing off, touching and laughing like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and he isn’t sure what it is that he’s feeling, but he knows it burns.
“Are you going to eat that, hyung?” Myungsoo asks, pointing at Sunggyu’s still more than half full bowl. Sunggyu looks down at it blankly; he should eat, he needs to keep up his energy, and besides, he just likes to eat. But his stomach won’t settle down to accept the food, so he pushes the bowl towards Myungsoo, who makes a happy sound and digs in, ignoring Sungyeol’s teasing about being a bottomless pit.
In his Dongwoo way—and for reasons no one else could even try to understand—Dongwoo grabs Woohyun’s wrist and bites down on it, and Woohyun makes a sound that’s probably supposed to be a wail of pain but that’s really just an explosion of laughter, and it’s amazing the way his whole face transforms when he laughs, eyes turning into crescent moons and smile lines popping up all around his mouth. Dongwoo is laughing so hard he’s half-falling into Woohyun’s lap, and the way Woohyun’s hand drops to comb through Dongwoo’s hair is unconscious and all the more loving for it. Sunggyu excuses himself and goes into his room, closing the door behind him and staring at the wall.
He isn’t jealous. That’s not what this is. He’d thought at first that that was what he was feeling, that he was just uncomfortable with how close Woohyun is with Dongwoo. But it isn’t that at all, though it would probably be easier if it were. It’s just that he’s starting to think that Hoya was right: that Dongwoo is better at being Woohyun’s boyfriend than Sunggyu could ever be, even though Dongwoo isn’t even trying and Sunggyu is trying as hard as he can.
He’d known, of course, that he has to go to Dongwoo whenever he needs some insight into what Woohyun is thinking or feeling. Dongwoo has played mediator from the beginning, back when they were trainees and Dongwoo was the only one who really liked Woohyun and Sunggyu was certain that he was going to kill Woohyun. Eventually Woohyun had dropped his I’m-so-competent-and-experienced-and-professional act and Sunggyu had started to actually be able to work with him, and eventually that had morphed into a strangely intense working partnership, and then they actually became friends, and then—
But would they have been able to stand each other long enough to reach easier ground if it hadn’t been for Dongwoo in the beginning? And would they have been able to actually make their first tentative approach toward a relationship if they hadn’t been able to run to Dongwoo for reassurance every time they took a step? Wouldn’t it have all fallen apart a hundred times over if they hadn’t had Dongwoo to smooth the way between them?
But what does that mean? It’s fine to go to someone else for advice on bumps in a relationship, everyone does that. Sometimes you need an outside perspective or the wisdom of someone else’s experience. But this isn’t just that. This is relying on Dongwoo as a crutch, as a translator, as a cheat sheet. And what does that mean about Sunggyu and Woohyun, if they need that? Does it mean that they don’t even really have a relationship? If every time they fight, Sunggyu has to go to Dongwoo to find out what’s going on in Woohyun’s mind; if every time Sunggyu hurts his feelings, Woohyun runs straight to Dongwoo for comfort—what does that mean about who Sunggyu and Woohyun are together? Does that mean they aren’t really together at all?
Isn’t it cheating? Not cheating in the betrayal-of-trust way, but in the stealing-the-answer-key-for-the-exam way. If you can’t get the answers right on your own, you don’t really know the material; if you use the cheat sheet, you weren’t the one who passed the test, and you don’t deserve the grade. If Sunggyu can’t understand Woohyun by himself, if he can’t figure out how to relate to him without asking Dongwoo for help, does that mean he doesn’t really know Woohyun at all? Does that mean it isn’t him who’s good for Woohyun, but it’s really Dongwoo, and Sunggyu’s just getting the sex and the intimacy and the closeness without deserving it? Does that mean that everything he thinks he has with Woohyun is really just an illusion?
But it’s not. It’s not an illusion. Sure, sometimes he feels like he will never understand one thing about Woohyun, like they’re miles apart and getting further away with each day, but other times they’re so close, and they share so much, and Sunggyu feels like the lines between them blur and—and that’s real. It is. He’s never been more sure of anything than he is of that.
So what the fuck does all of this mean?
The questions build up inside him till one pops out one night when he and Woohyun have decided they can spare an hour of sleep and are locked in Woohyun’s windowless room, touching each other in ways they haven’t had time for in weeks. This, at least, Sunggyu knows is really his: he figured this out himself, how to make Woohyun pant or tremble or moan. He figured out what Woohyun likes all on his own, through experimentation, and no one had to help him with that. All the questions fall away in light of how well his body knows Woohyun’s, and he’s smugly proud.
But after, when they’re sweaty and sticky and heart rates are slowing, the questions creep up on him again, and before he can talk himself out of it, he asks, “Do you think Dongwoo is better at being your boyfriend than I am?” It’s probably the first time that Sunggyu has ever said that word—‘boyfriend’—out loud in reference to his relationship to Woohyun. He’s proud of himself that he doesn’t trip over it. Much.
Woohyun half-laughs, half-snorts, pushing his sweaty hair back from his forehead. It always makes him look older, not to mention way too attractive. Sunggyu will never understand why Woohyun’s so insecure about his looks—and there it is, yet another thing Sunggyu will never understand about Woohyun. “Considering that he’s not my boyfriend, I would have to go with ‘no’ on that one. But if I meet alternate universe Woohyun who’s dating alternate universe Dongwoo, I’ll make sure to compare notes and get back to you.”
Sunggyu wants to push the point, say, ‘No, you don’t understand,’ try to clarify what it is he’s been thinking about these past few days—weeks? it’s so hard for him to judge time in increments smaller than years or bigger than minutes anymore—but Woohyun sounds half-asleep, and Sunggyu still isn’t sure he’d be able to put it into words without sound jealous or possessive, so he lets it go, only half-heartedly protesting when Woohyun flops over half on top of him and digs his bony chin into Sunggyu’s chest.
He doesn’t bring it up again, though he sometimes feels half-formed words pressing at his lips. Sometimes, too, he catches Woohyun—and, worse, Dongwoo—giving him questioning looks and he knows he needs to shake this off because from the outside it has to look like a moody funk and sooner or later one of them is going to insist on talking and it’s all going to go to hell.
But when Woohyun finally does insist on talking it…doesn’t. It doesn’t go to heaven, either, but it definitely doesn’t go to hell. Sunggyu isn’t sure where it goes—limbo? He doesn’t believe in purgatory. Whatever: eschatology or metaphysics or whatever don’t matter. What matters is that while he isn’t quite sure how he feels about their discussion, he knows it doesn’t go as badly as he’d been sure it would. (At least until the end, but not because of anything Woohyun or Sunggyu himself says.)
But it does happen like he’d been sure it would: Woohyun catches him watching him and Dongwoo play together, excuses himself, and grabs Sunggyu by the arm, pulling him into a hallway. They’re at some schedule, doing the whole hurry-up-and-wait thing, and Woohyun has evidently decided this is a great time to talk. Sunggyu wants to put it off till later, but he’s aware enough to know that this is probably the best opportunity they’re going to get, and part of him has been itching to talk about it for days now. That part of him thinks it will be a relief to let it out.
So when Woohyun slings him into an empty conference room—and it’s a testament to just how caught up in this Sunggyu is that he lets Woohyun manhandle him without complaint—and closes the door behind him, turning and demanding, “You are telling me what the fuck is going on with you,” Sunggyu doesn’t just shove by him and head out the door as he usually would. Instead he scowls and stomps over to an empty chair, flopping down on it and cross his arms.
He’s gnawing on his lip, trying to figure out what to say, when Woohyun walks over to loom above him and narrows his eyes. “You’ve been giving Dongwoo the death-glare whenever he’s anywhere near me for the past month. What the fuck is your problem?”
Sunggyu gnaws harder, still searching for words.
“Are you jealous?” Woohyun demands, and Sunggyu had known that he’d take it this way.
“No!” Woohyun does not look convinced. “I’m not jealous!”
Woohyun rolls his eyes. “You’re acting pretty damn jealous.”
Sunggyu is getting irritated now. Why doesn’t this kid ever believe anything he says? “Well, I’m not!”
“Well, then, what are you?” Woohyun shoots back.
“I’m confused, okay?”
The words had jumped out before Sunggyu had had a time to think about them, but now that they’re out he realizes that they’re probably the best way he’s going to find to describe his mental state at the moment.
And now Woohyun looks confused. “Confused? Confused about what?”
Sunggyu pushes himself up out of the chair, fidgeting with the ends of his sleeves. “About Dongwoo! And you! And me!”
Woohyun’s brow furrows even more. “What about us?”
Sunggyu flops one too-long sleeve helplessly. “You always go to him when we’re fighting!”
Woohyun is really good at you-are-too-stupid-to-live-I-can’t-believe-you looks. Normally Sunggyu wouldn’t let him keep that expression on his face without some pushback, but he’s too focused to protest. “You go to him when we’re fighting too!”
“Exactly! We both—and we both do it because he understands you!”
Woohyun clearly thinks this is the most ridiculous topic of conversation ever, and considering that it’s Woohyun, that’s saying a lot. “He understands everyone.”
“I know that! But he understands you and I don’t!”
Woohyun doesn’t say anything for a very long time, his face still creased in the aftermath of his confusion. “Is this what that ‘is Dongwoo a better boyfriend’ thing was about?”
Sunggyu doesn’t say anything, scowling and turning away.
Woohyun’s voice cracks into laughter. “You are jealous!”
Sunggyu spins back around. “I’m not.”
Sunggyu wants very much to punch that stupid smug grin right off of Woohyun’s face, but they’re due in front of cameras any minute. “It’s all right, hyung. I think it’s cute.”
“I’m not jealous! I just don’t know if you’re really with me or not.”
The smug mirth disappears from Woohyun’s face, leaving nothing behind. Sunggyu turns away again, muttering under his breath and smacking the side of his head with a fist. Fuck, he hates this part of relationships. Why can’t it just be sex and nagging at each other all the time? He’s good at those things.
He can’t stop pacing, still fidgeting with the ends of his sleeves, and he doesn’t look at Woohyun, but he can feel him very still behind him. Time is passing, Sunggyu’s not sure how much, but he should pull out his phone and check the clock and make sure they don’t have to go back now, that’s what a responsible leader would do. But just for this moment, he’s not as much a responsible leader as he is a deeply confused boyfriend.
And Woohyun’s silence is making his skin crawl. He’s quiet for so long that Sunggyu finally explodes into a sigh and stomps over to the door, about to wrench it open when Woohyun’s quiet voice jerks him to a stop.
“I get confused, too, you know.”
Sunggyu doesn’t turn, just stays frozen with one hand reaching out for the doorknob. This isn’t a tone of voice he hears from Woohyun very often. It sets every cell of him on high alert.
“It seems like it’s easier for you to touch him. Dongwoo. You two are hanging all over each other all the time, and you look so comfortable and….”
Now it’s Sunggyu’s turn to spin around and give Woohyun an incredulous luck. “And you two are’t?”
“That’s what’s confusing! We do! And I’m not jealous when you two are like that—or, I am. I’m not jealous that you’re touching him, but I’m jealous that it’s so much easier for you to touch him than it is for you to touch me.”
Sunggyu’s head is spinning. This is not a turn in conversation he’d anticipated at all. “But I’m not touching him like that. And…it’s Dongwoo.”
“I know. I tell myself that. That you can touch him like that because you aren’t together, because there’s nothing you might be giving away like there might be if you touched me. It makes sense to me. And it’s not that I don’t want you to touch him. I like how happy you are together. I just….” Sunggyu has never seen Woohyun look so conflicted. He doesn’t look embarrassed or self-conscious like he usually does when things get serious about their relationship. He just looks very intense. “I just wish I was playing with you, too. With both of you.”
Sunggyu shakes his head, trying to clear it. Okay, things have gotten seriously off-track. This conversation isn’t about Woohyun’s need for attention. This isn’t what he’s been thinking about, what he’s wanted to talk about. He needs to wrench things back into place. “That isn’t what I’m talking about.”
Woohyun drops his hands, exasperated. “Then what are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about how he understands you and I don’t, and I always have to have him tell me what you’re thinking, and does that mean that he’s really the one who’s good for you, not me, and what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?”
Woohyun’s face says very clearly that he can’t believe he’s hearing this. “Have I ever even implied to you aren’t the one I want?”
“That’s exactly my point! Is it really me that’s—“ He flails his hand around, wishing words weren’t so hard “—giving you whatever it is you want, or is it really Dongwoo, and you just think it’s me?”
Woohyun puts his hands on his hips. “Dongwoo isn’t the one who blows my brains out when we’re in bed together.”
Normally Woohyun would never say something like that, because normally Sunggyu would latch right onto it and be unbearably smug about it forever, bringing it up any chance he gets and making Woohyun’s life miserable with the reminder. But right now his ego has checked out completely, and clearly Woohyun’s has too. “I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about everything else!”
“Everything else like what?”
“Like how I have to ask him why you’re angry or pissy or whatever! I never know because your brain is ridiculous and doesn’t make any sense. I couldn’t possibly figure it out by myself, so I have to have Dongwoo tell me.”
Woohyun’s jaw shifts. “So what?”
Sunggyu makes an incredulous noise. “So what?”
“Yeah.” Woohyun’s eyes are very different when they’re fierce. It’s a part of him he doesn’t show very often, and Sunggyu is never sure how to react to it. “So what? You’re the one who cares enough about why I’m upset. And you’re the one who comes back and makes it up to me. So who cares how you find out why?”
Sunggyu cannot believe this. “I care!”
“Well, if I don’t, you shouldn’t!”
“How can I not? How can I not feel like he’s the one who’s really giving you what you need?”
“Because I’m telling you he’s not! He’s one of the most important people in the world to me and he does give me so much. But he doesn’t give me the things you give me! No one could give me those things! So stop acting like a martyr!”
“You always run to him when I hurt you and—no, I am not jealous, don’t even start that again!”
“For fuck’s sake, not everyone pulls inside themselves when they’re hurt, Sunggyu! Some people need comfort instead of withdrawing from the whole world and sulking like a baby.”
“That’s what I’m saying! He knows how to comfort you better than I do!”
“And you’re jealous.”
Sunggyu wants to scream. “I’m not jealous. I’m glad you have him to go to!”
“Then why are you freaking out about this?”
“Because it’s not fair to Dongwoo!”
And there it is. There it is, the thing Sunggyu knew was there, but hadn’t quite been able to reach. It figures it would only happen when he’s frustrated with Woohyun. Woohyun has always been more of a provider of catalysts for him than he’s really comfortable with, but he’s never been able to stop craving that push that Woohyun provides.
Woohyun doesn’t push now, though. Instead, he falls abruptly into silence, the frustration that had been crackling between them dissipating into nothing. Sunggyu is breathing hard, and the sound is loud in the silence of the little conference room, and he feels like something large is firmly between him and Woohyun now, something they can’t ignore, something they’ll have to deal with head-on if they want to reach each other again. But he’s not sure how to take the first step.
Woohyun, as usual when it comes to things between them, takes it instead. He takes a long breath, then walks stiffly over to a chair and sits down. “Okay,” he says. “Tell me what you mean.”
Sunggyu hasn’t thought about this aspect of their situation, he knows he hasn’t thought about it. But somehow his brain must have been working through it anyway, because all these words are coming out and he doesn’t know how that’s possible when he hasn’t even verbalized these things to himself, but maybe they were lurking in the darkness of his mind and were just waiting for Woohyun’s presence to drag them into the light.
“He has to deal with all the shit between us.” The words feel so true in Sunggyu’s mouth that they almost sting. “We both dump all the rough parts of our relationship on him and expect him to fix them. And he does, he does it without ever complaining, and then we leave him and go back to each other and—“ Sunggyu’s never been very good with words, not sincere ones. He can bust out something sly to make an audience laugh when he needs to, and he’s gotten okay at leader pep talks. But when it comes to anything else, he feels so inarticulate, so unable to verbalize anything, no matter how intensely he feels it. That sense of ineloquence always seems to solidify around him till he’s stuttering or lisping and Woohyun’s silver tongue has to ride to the rescue, but right now, all the ways in which Sunggyu knows he’s lacking feel very far away. “He gets all the fucked-up parts of our relationship and none of the good ones, and how can we do that to him?”
Woohyun shrugs helplessly. His face is so open, and the beauty of it makes Sunggyu’s heart clench. “We need him.”
“Exactly! We need him, but how the fuck is that fair to him?” The words that are coming out don’t feel like him, too eloquent by far, and yet there’s something about Woohyun that occasionally pushes Sunggyu to a place beyond self-consciousness where the truth just comes out. If only he weren’t too miserable to enjoy that now. “If we buy what we have together at the expense of using him and not giving him anything at all in return, how can we say that’s fair? How can we say that we’re his friends?”
Woohyun lowers his head till it hangs between the sharp ridges of his shoulders, and Sunggyu turns away, yanking at the ends of his sleeves with his long fingers. Why does Dongwoo have to be so fucking selfless all the time? Why does he never tell any of them to fuck off? Why does he never say, ‘It’s your goddamn relationship; figure it out yourself’? Why does he always, always provide what Sunggyu and Woohyun need without even requesting that they think about what they’re asking of him? And if they love him so much—and they do, Sunggyu knows that Woohyun loves Dongwoo every bit as much as he himself does, and he loves Dongwoo so much that he isn’t sure how to operate without him—how can they keep doing this to him? How can they be so fucking selfish?
“I can’t give you up, hyung.”
Woohyun’s voice is so quiet and raw that it feels like it’s stripping the skin right off of Sunggyu’s body. He turns to look at Woohyun, at the weary line of his shoulders and his head still hanging low.
Sunggyu’s own voice feels too throaty. “I’m not asking—“
“I can’t do it. Sometimes I feel like it’s the only thing keeping me going and—I can’t, hyung.”
Sunggyu’s heart is hammering high in his throat; he tries to swallow it down, but it doesn’t work. “Nobody said anything about giving anything up.”
Woohyun finally raises his head, and his eyes look so very old and so very tired. “What other option do we have? We both know that this—“ He makes a sharp gesture between them. “—doesn’t work without Dongwoo. We can’t keep doing that to him. But I can’t give you up either.”
Sunggyu wishes he could say it back, say how important Woohyun is to him, how giving him up would feel like giving up part of his soul. But those words don’t come easily to him, not the way they do to Woohyun. (To Dongwoo.) So he just swallows again, and looks away.
An abrupt rap on the door breaks the silence between them, and it opens to reveal Sungyeol, his eyes, as always, too sharp and knowing as they fall on Sunggyu. “PD says ten minutes, hyung,” he says.
“We’re coming,” Sunggyu says, not meeting Sungyeol’s eyes. But the words don’t dismiss Sungyeol; he stands there waiting expectantly till Woohyun pushes himself out of his chair with a sigh and walks out into the hall, cupping Sungyeol’s hip briefly as he passes. Sunggyu makes to head out the door, too, but Sungyeol catches his arm as he goes.
“You know, hyung,” he says, voice pitched lower than usual. His tone and face are light, but his eyes are still sharp in that way that drives Sunggyu crazy with annoyance. Sungyeol has always been far too perceptive for his own good. “If I was having to deal with all the shitty parts of a relationship and I was willing to do it, what I’d really want is to be offered the good parts, too.”
Sunggyu tenses, eyes narrowing dangerously. “Lee Sungyeol, if you think you can get away with eavesdropping without me killing you, you—“
Totally unperturbed, Sungyeol pats his arm. “Just think about it, hyung, okay?” And then he’s striding off on those impossibly long legs, leaving Sunggyu to fume behind him about invasions of privacy and noses being stuck where they don’t belong.
But the thing is—Sunggyu does think about it. In fact, he can’t stop thinking about it. It takes a second for Sungyeol’s meaning to connect, and when it does, Sunggyu is so horrified that he tries to banish the idea entirely. It’s wrong, what Sungyeol’s suggesting, wrong and not normal and no one does that. Sunggyu knows that, knows it absolutely, and yet he can’t stop thinking about it; no matter how hard he tries, he can’t keep the thought from surfacing. He’ll be sliding his hand into Woohyun’s pants and the image of Dongwoo’s strong, delicate-looking fingers wrapped around Woohyun will cause him to groan, or Woohyun will be laughing at something nagging Sunggyu’s just said and Sunggyu will think how much better Woohyun’s laugh sounds when Dongwoo’s is ringing with it. Forbidden thoughts keep cropping up in Sunggyu’s mind till he starts dreaming about cutting his head open and figuring out how to remove them himself. No matter what he does, he can’t stop the fantasies.
He’s really going to have to kill Lee Sungyeol. It’s been a long time coming, something he’s wanted to do since before they debuted, and now it just needs to happen. Maybe once he’s dead, his stupid voice will stop echoing in Sunggyu’s head.
It gets to the point where he can’t be alone with Woohyun without imagining Dongwoo there with them—curled against Woohyun’s naked back with his pretty hands sliding down Woohyun’s body, pressing his full lips to Sunggyu’s neck, laughing with Woohyun over something teasing he’s said, sleeping curled up between them—and that is just entirely too much for Sunggyu to handle, so he begins to avoid being alone with Woohyun, coming up with excuses, other things that need to be done right then. It’s not hard—there are always other things that need to be done—but before they’d managed to carve out a little bit of time every now and then when they felt like they were going to lose it if they didn’t get a chance to touch each other.
Sunggyu thinks his excuses are pretty good, but Woohyun keeps giving him these looks like he knows exactly what Sunggyu is doing, and it’s hard to ignore them. Not that Sunggyu doesn’t do it—but it’s hard. Woohyun looks half exasperated and half angry, and Sunggyu knows that they can’t keep this up for much longer without some sort of blowup—and a blowup will lead to both of them needing to go to Dongwoo and—
Fuck. When did this all get so complicated? It’s always been complicated because anything involving Nam Woohyun is complicated, but before Sunggyu at least thought he had a grip on it. Now it feels completely out of his control, and that scares the shit out of him, if he’s honest. And yet there’s nothing he can do.
Everything only gets worse when Woohyun presses up against his back as they’re about to go out on stage one day and says in an undertone, “I know you’ve talked to Sungyeol. I have, too. And I think he’s right.”
Sunggyu almost falls flat on his face trying to walk up the stairs and he does end up having a coughing fit, and when the camera isn’t on him, he glares at Woohyun so furiously he expects to see the skin of his stupidly attractive face crackle and peel. But Woohyun just grins at him, too smug by far, and when the performance is over and they’re back in the green room, he dances over to Dongwoo before Sunggyu can grab him (and kill him), and keeps shooting Sunggyu the world’s most insufferable looks as he cuddles with Dongwoo on the couch. Sunggyu stands with his arms crossed on the other side of the room sending Woohyun death-looks, and Sungjong says something snide about leader being in a bad mood, and now the fantasies in Sunggyu’s head are all of strangling Nam Woohyun with his bare hands.
“You think I don’t know why you’re avoiding me, but I do. And it’s a stupid fucking reason when there’s a really easy solution,” Woohyun says a few nights later right before he slams the door to his room and locks it, leaving Sunggyu, once again, stewing with annoyance. He cannot believe Woohyun is actually considering this. Wait—yes, he can; this is just exactly the kind of totally incomprehensible thing Woohyun would latch onto, especially if it’s Sungyeol’s idea, and Sunggyu stomps off and assigns Sungyeol to bathroom-cleaning duty for the rest of the year. At least until Sungyeol complains to Dongwoo, who seeks out Sunggyu to try to talk some reason to him. Sunggyu ends up repealing the assignment just so that he can get away from Dongwoo.
Because, yes, he’s avoiding Dongwoo, too, and he knows it’s hurting Dongwoo’s feelings, but what the fuck is he supposed to do? He can’t be around Dongwoo anymore without thinking things he has no right to think about his friend, and Dongwoo is so touchy and—
So Sunggyu is avoiding both of his closest friends, and he’s well aware that without Dongwoo’s joy to boost him into a better mood or Woohyun to remind him to relax now and then that he’s getting more knotted up with tension than usual and is taking it out on the kids, but he can’t help it. No matter how many nasty looks Sungjong shoots him or how many times Myungsoo looks startled at leader’s sudden eruptions, Sunggyu can’t fight his way out of the funk he’s swaddled in, especially when Woohyun keeps dropping anything-but-subtle hints.
“Don’t even tell me you don’t want him in our bed,” Woohyun says one night at dance practice, draping his sweaty body over Sunggyu’s back and jerking his chin towards the corner where Dongwoo, in a tank that bares his arms and a pair of sweats that make his ass look far too appealing, is stretching.
Sunggyu shoves Woohyun away. “Dongwoo likes women,” Sunggyu hisses, and he feels more than sees Woohyun’s smirk.
“So do you,” Woohyun says, and it makes Sunggyu want to scream because, fuck it, he’s right. Sunggyu had never even looked at another guy until Woohyun, and it had taken him a long time to make his peace with wanting—with being in love with—his bandmate. Now he can acknowledge that other guys are attractive, but he still doesn’t look at any of them the way he does at women, none of them except Woohyun.
And now apparently Dongwoo.
And fuck, now that he’s started looking, he can’t look away because Dongwoo is so sexy. Sunggyu has never seen anything like Dongwoo onstage. He makes performance look like sex, and Sunggyu can never blame the girls in the audience who swoon over him—or the ones who look like they want to jump on him and rip his clothes off. Every gesture, every expression, every minute piece of choreo is transformed into a mating dance by the force of Dongwoo’s energy. Sunggyu can’t even let himself glance in Dongwoo’s direction when they’re performing anymore, and yet even without actually seeing him, he’s all too aware that he’s there. There, with his mouth like a porn star’s and his nimble fingers and his tight body and his eyes that always look at both Sunggyu and Woohyun so adoringly and—Sunggyu feels like he’s losing his mind.
And when he’s not on stage, Dongwoo is adorable and sweet and playful and things that Sunggyu hadn’t ever considered could be attractive in a man but now, undeniably, are. He’s always been drawn to Dongwoo’s big heart, right from the beginning, and he’s only grown to like—to love—him more in the intervening years. Until this new thing—that all started because of one stupid thing Hoya said, and the only reason Sunggyu doesn’t assign him bathroom duty whenever he thinks about it is because he doesn’t want to have to deal with Dongwoo talking him out of it again—Sunggyu hadn’t kept any secrets from Dongwoo, telling him everything simply because he knew that no matter what it was, Dongwoo would understand. There’ve been times when he thinks he’s even closer to Dongwoo than he is to Woohyun, and he’s always been fine with that because it’s Dongwoo and he knows Woohyun loves him just as much. That’s been a kind of comfort, really, knowing that Woohyun feels the same way about Dongwoo, but now it’s just terrifying.
We both love him and he loves us both and—
And Sunggyu never lets himself complete that thought.
Dongwoo is, thank God, oblivious. Oh, he knows something is going on with Sunggyu and Woohyun—he gives them questioning looks and makes offers to talk all the time. But judging by the furrow between his brows, he hasn’t figured out just what it is, and that’s the only thing about this whole fucked-up situation that Sunggyu can be thankful for. He’s certain that the only reason Dongwoo hasn’t seen right through them yet is because Sunggyu has been avoiding him. He misses all the time he spent with Dongwoo, but he can’t risk Dongwoo’s almost supernatural intuition putting together the pieces, so he spends all his free time in bed, pretending to be asleep.
He has to hate how well Woohyun knows him when he’s got his eyes closed and is trying to regulate his breathing but Woohyun still comes up and sits down on the edge of his bed. “I know you’re not sleeping, dumbass,” he says, and if Sunggyu weren’t totally committed to his I’m-sleeping performance, he’d sit up and tear Woohyun a new one for talking to him that way. He focuses on his breathing instead, hoping Woohyun will just go away.
Woohyun doesn’t, but he does seem to realize that Sunggyu isn’t going to break his act anytime soon. He sighs deeply and Sunggyu can feel him shifting and he knows Woohyun is moving to rest his back against the bedpost, but Sunggyu still keeps his eyes closed.
“I miss you, hyung,” Woohyun says, and it takes all of Sunggyu’s control to keep his hands still when they want to steal up to his chest and press against the ache there. “Dongwoo misses you, too.” Sunggyu feels something brush against his forehead, and then Woohyun’s fingers are stroking through his hair, and it’s not a tenderness he usually allows but he’s pretending to be asleep and—and okay, so it doesn’t entirely suck, having Woohyun touch him, even in such a greasy way. “I know you think it’s messed up, that it isn’t normal. Maybe it isn’t. But I’ve thought about it so much, hyung, I’ve been doing nothing but thinking about it. And I know you love him as much as I do, and he’s pretty perfect, and it doesn’t make any sense, but he makes us work. The three of us—we just only work when we’re all together. And the three of us—you two are the most important people in the world to me. Yes, even more than Kibum, I know what you’re thinking, hyung.” Woohyun sighs, and Sunggyu has to bite his lip to stop himself from doing or saying something that will give himself away. “We would be happy, hyung, I know we would. And right now none of us are, and this all started because you were worried about being fair to Dongwoo, but this isn’t fair to him, either. He doesn’t know what’s wrong, and we have to talk to him, hyung. Maybe he wouldn’t want—I think he would, but maybe he wouldn’t. But either way, we’d know, and then you could stop avoiding us and things could go back to normal.”
Sunggyu eases his one hand that’s under the covers into a fist, clenching it so tight he thinks the vessels might burst. Woohyun sighs again.
“So stubborn, hyung,” he says, and he sounds fond and disappointed and exasperated all at the same time, but mostly he sounds tired. “Please, hyung. Think about it, okay? Don’t think about whether it’s normal or what people would say. Think about what it would be like, the three of us alone, together. And if you can tell me that wouldn’t be the most perfect thing in the world, I won’t ask again. But only if I know you’re not lying.”
The hand disappears from Sunggyu’s hair and the bed shifts again and then he hears Woohyun walking away, and Sunggyu makes himself unclench his fist.
If only it were as easy as Woohyun makes it sound. Of course it would be perfect, the three of them, alone, together. Of course it would. That still doesn’t change the fact that it’s incredibly fucking messed up and not normal and that if anyone found out they’d be horrified (well, anyone except Sungyeol, apparently, but the whole idea came from Sungyeol’s deranged mind in the first place, and so that isn’t a comfort at all). A tiny voice in the back of his mind (that sometimes sounds like Woohyun and sometimes like Dongwoo and sometimes like Sungyeol and sometimes like Sungjong) keeps reminding him that he’d thought the same thing about being with Woohyun once. The idea of two men together had made him sick, and yet he wanted Woohyun more than he’d ever wanted anything except to be a singer, and every time he thought of actually being with Woohyun, he would imagine his mom’s face or CEO-nim’s face or the fan’s faces if they found out.
Woohyun had won him over in the end, as Woohyun invariably does. But it had taken a long time, and that time had been incredibly painful for Sunggyu, and sometimes, in his darkest moments, he plunges right back into it, certain that there’s something terribly, terribly wrong with him and that he’s going to burn in hell.
The little voice says that if he’s going to burn in hell for being with Woohyun, he can’t burn any more for being with Woohyun and Dongwoo, but that little voice isn’t nearly as loud as the one that sounds like his mom and his sister and his minister telling him that anything that sounds as good—as perfect—as being with both of them can’t possibly be right. The fact that there’s nothing in the Bible or his contract that expressly forbids it doesn’t make him feel better.
He can’t sleep now, spends most of his nights kicking at his covers and trying not to think about things, and during the day he feels like he had when he was doing solo promotions: like a zombie who’s about to keel over at any moment. It gets to the point where the managers even notice it and give him a stern lecture, and he promises he’ll get it together, but he wonders if it’s a vain promise. Myungsoo keeps randomly hugging him and Hoya and Sungjong keep making (very different but similarly pointed) comments about how he’s losing it and Sungyeol corners him a couple of times and tells him to get over himself and doesn’t even look abashed when Sunggyu yells at him. The third time Sunggyu tears into him, Sungyeol doesn’t walk away but waits until Sunggyu’s indignation peters out and then gives him a level look. “I didn’t tell you what I told you to make you miserable, hyung,” Sungyeol says, and sometimes Sunggyu forgets how mature he can look when he’s being serious. “I told you so that you could be happy. Who the fuck cares what other people think? It’s your life, and you won’t be hurting anyone. And you don’t have to worry about Infinite—you wouldn’t do anything questionable in public, and the rest of us would never give you away. So why can’t you just let yourself be happy?”
Sunggyu can’t say that he isn’t sure he ever learned how to be happy. He thinks he comes closest to it when he and Woohyun are together, but even then there’s a part of him that’s reminding himself that he can’t afford to let go: that if he does, everything he’s worked so hard for might be swept away.
He knows, because he knows Woohyun and he knows Dongwoo and he knows himself, that if the three of them were ever—like that, that he wouldn’t be able to hold on to that sharp blade of realism that he’s never been able to let go of. With Woohyun, he just barely manages to keep a grip on it, but he knows that if it was both of them, Woohyun and Dongwoo too, that he wouldn’t stand a chance.
Why can’t you let yourself be happy?
Sunggyu can’t say that he isn’t sure he ever learned how to be happy—really happy, without anything else (like fear or guilt or duty) mixed in. And he can’t admit even to himself that he knows that if he let them, Woohyun and Dongwoo would teach him how. Because maybe that’s the scariest thing of all.
Sunggyu’s in the shower one night, arm braced against the wall and head hanging down, the ache in his shoulders not soothed even by the pounding heat of the water, trying to decide if he’ll be able to get up again if he curls up on the floor. He’s so fucking tired—physically, because he hasn’t slept, but even more than that, so tired of thinking. He just wants to sleep forever. He doesn’t want to think about anything ever again.
They never lock the door to the bathroom because someone’s always going to need to pee or brush their teeth or something, and they’ve learned to ignore anything someone else might be up to in the shower. But even though it’s never locked, Sunggyu has made it very clear to Woohyun that they won’t be getting up to anything in the shower under any conditions—‘It’s our common area, Woohyun. We can’t make the others feel uncomfortable. Infinite is more important’—so he’s almost shocked right out of his body not when the door flies open but when the shower curtain is wrenched aside and Woohyun, fully clothed, pushes his way in.
“What the—how dare y—“
“That’s it, hyung. This has gone on long enough.” Woohyun’s voice is sharp as it cuts off Sunggyu’s stuttering, and his eyes are steely as they bore into Sunggyu’s. “I don’t care if you’re still having some sort of moral crisis over this: we’re talking to him, and we’re doing it now.”
Anger flares up in Sunggyu’s throat; he’s the leader, he’s the hyung, and Woohyun has no right to talk to him like this and—
“You are absolutely fucking miserable, and you’re making the rest of us miserable, even the kids who have nothing to do with this, and that’s really shitty leadership skills, hyung. So I’m stepping up like I promised you I would if you ever weren’t doing a good job, and I’m saying we’re dealing with this now.”
Woohyun smacks off the water and steps out of the tub, jerking Sunggyu out by his arm and almost making him slip on the slick floor. Sunggyu had already washed and also shampooed and rinsed out his hair, so there’s no real reason he shouldn’t be getting out of the shower, but his dignity will not stand for Nam Woohyun wiping him down with a towel.
“I am going to destroy you for this, Nam Woohyun,” he says between gritted teeth, wrenching the towel out of Woohyun’s hands. “I will make your life so miserable you’ll beg me to put an end to it.”
“Fine,” Woohyun says tersely, shucking off his soaked shirt and squeezing the water out of it before tossing it into the corner on a big pile of towels and other dirty clothes. “Deal. After we talk to Dongwoo.”
And then he’s dragging Sunggyu again, and Sunggyu barely has time to tie the towel around his waist before he’s yanked out into the hallway, the cold air after the steam of the bathroom making his skin break out into goosebumps. “Did you hear me, Nam Woohyun? I—“ He breaks off, blinking. “Where are the others?” The rooms are all empty, even though Sunggyu knows for damn sure that all the members were here when he got in the shower and none of them had anything else to do tonight.
“I sent them out,” Woohyun says, pushing Sunggyu into his bedroom and striding over to jerk sweats and a t-shirt out of a pile of clothes. “And told Dongwoo to wait in his room.”
Sunggyu catches the sweatpants, but the t-shirt smacks him in the face, and he paws it off quickly. “You told—he’s the hyung, you disrespectful little—“
“Actually, I just asked him,” Woohyun interrupts, raising his voice to cut Sunggyu off. “I just asked him, because he actually listens to reasonable requests because he isn’t some sort of anal control freak martyr who can’t ever let himself be happy. Now, dress.”
Why can’t you let yourself be happy? echoes again in Sunggyu’s mind as he mechanically pulls on the clothes, louder than the music at their concerts. He’s surprised it doesn’t make his sternum vibrate and his ears ring. Why can’t you let yourself be happy?
It’s still roaring in his mind as Woohyun, also in fresh (dry) clothes, once again takes him by the arm—Sunggyu wrenches him arm free, giving Woohyun a nasty look, but follows him down the hall to Dongwoo’s room, even if his stomach is roiling. Dongwoo is sitting on the bed, and he looks up at them as soon as the door opens, eyes wide, eager for an explanation, trusting there will be one, and he looks so fucking tiny, and Sunggyu wants to throw up.
Woohyun goes over to sit beside Dongwoo on the bed—close, Sunggyu notes, right up next to him, with his arm falling naturally into place around Dongwoo’s shoulder—and looks pointedly at the other side of Dongwoo, but Sunggyu just stays where he is, looking away. He can’t look at them. Not at both of them together.
“Did I freak you out, Dongwoo? Telling everybody to leave and asking you to stay here?”
Woohyun’s voice is totally different than it was just moments before with Sunggyu. It sounds soothing and—loving. Sunggyu crosses his arms.
“Are you two finally going to tell me what’s going on?” Dongwoo sounds eager, but a little wry, and the fans wouldn’t recognize it. Sometimes it’s easy to think Dongwoo’s just completely guileless, but Sunggyu knows better: Dongwoo has a sense of irony, and he knows how dark the world can be. His joyfulness isn’t naivety. It’s a choice. And maybe that’s the most mature thing Sunggyu has ever seen.
Woohyun lets out a breathy little laugh. “Yeah, we dragged it out long enough, haven’t we?”
“I thought hyung was trying to kill himself from lack of sleep.”
“He’s such a drama queen, isn’t he?”
Sunggyu turns his head to glare at Woohyun. “Look who’s talking, the king of melodrama.”
“Theatrics, hyung,” Woohyun shoots back. “We’re performers, after all.”
Sunggyu is about to snark back, but Woohyun turns back to Dongwoo and starts talking before he can. “Hyung’s been a total asshole lately, I know—“
“Nam Woohyun—“
“And I haven’t been much better. It’s mostly hyung’s fault, and he’s being totally stupid and ridiculous about this, but it kind of is really big.”
Dongwoo turns his big eyes to Sunggyu, and Sunggyu’s irritation at Woohyun wilts abruptly. “You could have talked to me, hyung.” Surely only mothers are allowed to sound vaguely chiding and very disappointed and completely loving all at the same time like that.
“Well, see, Dongwoo,” Woohyun says, “it really is big. And also it has to do with you.”
“Me?” Dongwoo looks completely taken aback.
“Yeah,” Woohyun nods.
Dongwoo shakes his head slightly, as though trying to make this revelation fit inside his head. “I thought you two were fighting and hyung was avoiding me just because he didn’t want to talk about it.”
“That’s kind of exactly what it is, actually,” Woohyun says, and Sunggyu can’t drag his eyes away from where Woohyun’s fingers are intertwined with Dongwoo’s, looking blunt and golden next to Dongwoo’s pale, pretty ones.
“But it’s about me.” Dongwoo looks tentative for the first time, and Sunggyu knows he’s mentally going over every interaction between them over the past few weeks for a hint as to what he did wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong, Sunggyu thinks. You’re just you. But he can’t let himself say it.
Why can’t you let yourself be happy?
“Yeah.” Woohyun takes a deep breath, eyelids fluttering, and Infinite’s Woohyun with his grease and his theatrics isn’t anywhere to be found. This is just Nam Woohyun, more sincere and more vulnerable by far than he wants anyone to see. But he isn’t hiding from them. He doesn’t hide from them. “We’re going to ask you this, and you can say no. Please say no if you want to.”
Dongwoo’s forehead crumples. “Woohyun….”
Woohyun flashes him a nervous smile, not toothy, very earnest. “We love you, Dongwoo.”
Dongwoo looks from one of them to the other, and Sunggyu’s heart is drumming and he wants to run out of the room—out of the apartment. “I love you, too,” Dongwoo says, and he looks confused, but his eyes are sharp, waiting, ready to snatch up any clues they give him so he can finally complete the puzzle.
“I—we—hyung and I had a talk.” Sunggyu can practically see on Woohyun’s face how hard he’s trying to pick the right words. He knows he should help, but he can’t. He can’t. “About how whenever we have a problem, we go to you.”
“Okay.” Dongwoo’s still looking back and forth between them. “Did you want some help now?”
Woohyun smiles again, but it’s sad. “That’s just it. We ask you for help all the time, and that’s not really fair, is it? That you have to always help us patch things up whenever we have a problem.”
Dongwoo’s eyes narrow in confusion. “I don’t mind helping, Woohyunnie.”
“I know. We know.” Woohyun looks over at Sunggyu, shooting him a ‘Help, would you, you asshole’ look, but Sunggyu just glares back. Woohyun rolls his eyes and focuses again on Dongwoo. “But it really isn’t fair.”
“But you’re good for each other,” Dongwoo points out. “You just need help sometimes.”
“Yeah. That’s the thing. We—“ Woohyun uses his free hand to gesture between himself and Sunggyu. “—don’t really work without you.”
Dongwoo’s eyes are very heavy on Sunggyu. “And that’s why you’ve been avoiding Woohyunnie? Because you feel guilty?”
Woohyun laughs again shortly. “We don’t work without you. But hyung can’t handle using you—and to be honest, I don’t like it either.”
Dongwoo looks like he’s about to get angry. “If you two break up just because you have to get my help sometimes—“
“No, we can’t do that, either,” Woohyun reassures him. “Well, I think hyung has gone all fatalistic and thinks we should, but I’m not going to do that.” He looks again at Sunggyu, gaze steady. Sunggyu shifts. “Not ever.”
Dongwoo tilts his head, still looking at Sunggyu. “Then…?”
“Well, we came up with a solution.”
Woohyun’s words hang there for a moment, and Dongwoo’s eyeballs are moving like he’s reading, scanning a paper incredibly fast, and Sunggyu isn’t surprised at all when they widen almost imperceptibly. But he is surprised when Dongwoo suddenly bursts into laughter and collapses back onto the bed.
Sunggyu and Woohyun exchange looks of alarm—the laughter has a hysterical edge to it, and Sunggyu finds his arms falling down to his side and his feet taking a few steps forward. Woohyun grasps Dongwoo’s hand tight. “Dongwoo? Dongwoo, are you okay? You’re kind of freaking us out—“
Dongwoo is flopping his hands and tears are queezing their way out of his closed eyes. Sunggyu isn’t sure what to do: Dongwoo often reacts with laughter to things Sunggyu doesn’t think should elicit that response. Most of the time it’s because Dongwoo has found some humor where no one else can see it, but sometimes it’s nervous or embarrassed laughter. But this doesn’t sound like any of those. This is something new, though Sunggyu tells himself he shouldn’t be surprised when Dongwoo reacts to anything by laughing.
“Dongwoo, please. You can tell us we’re crazy and to fuck off, but just sit up and say it. Please, Dongwoo.”
It takes Dongwoo a few minutes to comply with Woohyun’s plea, finally getting himself under control enough that he’s only half-hiccuping, half-shuddering, wiping the tears from his eyes as he sits up. He’s still gasping when he manages to speak. “You want me to—with you—so you won’t have to feel guilty about using me?” Another laugh, this time with an edge that makes shivers race up Sunggyu’s spine. “That’s pretty fucked up.”
There’s an implication in Dongwoo’s words that Sunggyu can’t quite grasp, but Woohyun seems to figure it out immediately. “No! No, that’s not it at all!” The intensity of his voice, the almost frightened edge, make Sunggyu jump.
“That’s what it sounds like, Nam-goon,” Dongwoo says, and his voice is so loving, but also so sad, and Sunggyu looks back and forth between them, frantically trying to figure out what he’s missing.
“No.” Woohyun sucks down a couple of deep breaths, clearly trying to control himself. “That is not it. We’re not just saying, ‘Oh, Dongwoo might as well join us so we don’t have to feel guilty.’ That’s not what this is.”
Fuck. Dongwoo thought—fuck. Sunggyu can’t breathe around the knot in his throat.
“Woohyu—“
“No, Dongwoo.” Woohyun is trying so hard to sound firm, but he mostly just sounds desperate. “We love you. We—we want you. You have to believe that.”
Dongwoo’s lips are curved into a smile that doesn’t look anything like happy. “I believe you, Nam-goon,” Dongwoo says, patting Woohyun’s hand, and Sunggyu is sure his heart is about to burst. He’d known it. He’d known that if they tried to reach for this it would only blow up in their faces. They’ve hurt Dongwoo. And that was the very last thing either of them ever wanted.
“Dongwoo, please, I mean it, we—“
Dongwoo pats Woohyun’s hand again. “It’s okay, Woohyun.” He looks up at Sunggyu with that same sad smile on his face. “You didn’t need to worry, hyung. You didn’t have to feel guilty. I don’t mind helping when you need it. I just want you both to be happy.” Dongwoo stands, and Sunggyu isn’t sure how he himself is still staying upright. Dongwoo…. “Don’t think about it anymore, okay? There’s nothing to worry about. I’ll help you when I can. There’s no need to feel guilty.” He laughs again, and again it’s a laugh Sunggyu hasn’t ever heard before. It sounds forced, and like it’s coming from some place small and…broken. “It’s pretty flattering, though. Being propositioned by two hot guys. I guess you must have noticed how frustrated I get sometimes, right?” The grin grows on his face and now it isn’t even something sad but more like macabre. Woohyun looks like he’s about to start hyperventilating.
Dongwoo starts towards the door. “I’ll go out too now so you two can have some time together. I’ll make sure I keep the kids out for a while, okay?”
“Dongwoo—“ Woohyun’s voice is barely a breath, and his hand misses Dongwoo’s arm, closing weakly around air.
“Have fun, okay? You two both need to relax.”
Dongwoo is reaching for the door knob when adrenaline slams through Sunggyu and he’s suddenly in front of Dongwoo, grabbing him firmly—just short of painfully—by the shoulders and yanking him over to the bed. He forces Dongwoo to sit down, Dongwoo’s huge, startled eyes staring up at him, and only the fact that he’s holding onto Dongwoo’s shoulders so tight is keeping Sunggyu’s hands from shaking.
“Hyung, what the—“
“Do you trust me, Jang Dongwoo?” Sunggyu doesn’t recognize his own voice, trembling with intensity.
“Of course, hyu—“
That isn’t good enough. That isn’t what Sunggyu means. “No. Do you trust me?”
Dongwoo’s lips part, and he nods, a motion so small Sunggyu might have missed it if he weren’t staring at Dongwoo like he’s never stared at anything. There. That was what Sunggyu was waiting for.
“Then you have to believe me when I say this.” Sunggyu can’t believe he’s doing this. He doesn’t know who he is anymore, if he’s doing this. And yet he has to. The only thing worse than giving in to what he wants would be Dongwoo walking away, hurt and not understanding. Sunggyu has no choice anymore. “I love you. Woohyun loves you. We both want you so bad we—“ He’s always been bad at words, and they fail him now. He can’t possibly tell Dongwoo that he’s co-starred with Woohyun in every single fantasy, waking or sleeping, that Sunggyu has had for the past however long. He can’t possibly tell Dongwoo that Woohyun had told him straight out that Dongwoo is the only person he’s ever wanted as badly as he wants Sunggyu. He can’t say that. But he has to make Dongwoo understand. “This isn’t—we aren’t—“ How can he be stuttering when his voice is this hard? But the concepts are so important, so very, very important, that they squeeze themselves through his mind like bullets. “This isn’t about guilt. This is about how we don’t work without you.”
Dongwoo is still staring up at him, completely riveted, breathing through his open mouth, almost panting slightly. He’s so fucking beautiful that Sunggyu wants to scream. And this moment is so big, so important, that he feels like he’s about to come right out of his skin.
But then Woohyun’s hands close over his on Dongwoo’s shoulders, making Dongwoo start and offering Sunggyu a kind of ballast he hadn’t realized he needed.
“We were just stupid, Dongwoo.” Woohyun’s voice is husky and rich and Sunggyu could listen to it for the rest of his life, as long as he got to listen to Dongwoo’s too. “We didn’t realize how much we need you. Not to make the two of us work. But because we need you.”
Sunggyu isn’t quite sure of what he’s seeing in Dongwoo’s eyes, but he knows it’s overwhelming. Dongwoo’s breath is starting to hitch, and Sunggyu is scared he’s going to fall into that scary laughter again, so he pulls Dongwoo upright till they’re standing just inches apart. He slides his hands up to either side of Dongwoo’s head and brings their foreheads together, keeping his eyes on Dongwoo’s. He senses Woohyun moving to stand behind Dongwoo, his hands settling on Dongwoo’s hips.
“It wouldn’t be the two of us and you,” Sunggyu says, feeling Dongwoo’s breath fan his lips. His eyes are so very big and right there. “It would be the three of us. Three.”
“I’m sorry it took us so long to figure it out,” Woohyun says, voice quiet and raspy. He presses his forehead against the back of Dongwoo’s head, arches his neck to press a kiss to Dongwoo’s bare neck, causing Dongwoo to shiver. “We’re really stupid without you.”
Dongwoo’s hair is so soft under Sunggyu’s fingers, his skin so smooth under Sunggyu’s thumbs. “That’s why we need you. To see the things we’re too blind to see.”
Dongwoo is trembling all over now, and his panting is driving Sunggyu out of his mind. So he finally does what he’d been dreaming of doing for weeks—months—now, and brings Dongwoo’s mouth to his. When their lips meet, he isn’t sure whose are more eager.
Woohyun lets out an impatient sound when they break apart, Sunggyu holding onto Dongwoo’s face even tighter at the sight of Dongwoo’s damp eyes fluttering open. It wasn’t that long of a kiss, but both of them are panting hard. Fuck. Why did I wait so long?
“Was it good, hyung? Was it as good as we imagined?”
Dongwoo lets out a helpless little moan at Woohyun’s husky words, and Sunggyu removes one hand from Dongwoo’s face to reach around him and grab Woohyun’s arm. He pulls Woohyun around, moving himself just a little so that Woohyun can be in front of Dongwoo, too, and then slides his hand into Woohyun’s hair to press his head down.
Watching Woohyun and Dongwoo kiss is every bit as good—as dirty, as beautiful, as hot, as perfect—as kissing either one of them himself. They both have such full lips, and there’s Dongwoo’s cheekbones and Woohyun’s jawline and Sunggyu is quite sure no kiss has ever been so mesmerizing. When they pull back, both sets of lips are so shiny and appealing that Sunggyu has to pull Woohyun’s face around to kiss him himself, letting his hand fall away from Dongwoo’s face so he can slip his arm around Dongwoo’s waist to hold him close as he kisses Woohyun. It should feel familiar, kissing Woohyun, after the thousands of times they’ve done it before, but somehow, with Dongwoo pressed up against them and the smell of both of them so vivid and and the knowledge that Woohyun’s lips were just on Dongwoo’s, it’s different. Better.
Woohyun pulls away from Sunggyu to lean back against Dongwoo and rub his lips over Dongwoo’s cheekbone, dragging them down to his neck and make Dongwoo shudder. “Is that a yes? Do you want to be with us, Dongwoo?”
“Do you want us to all be together?” Sunggyu corrects, pressing a kiss to the damp salt just underneath Dongwoo’s eye.
Dongwoo is breathing so hard he seems about to come apart. Sunggyu tightens his arm around Dongwoo’s waist, slips the other one around Woohyun, pulling them even closer together.
“You two really are stupid without me,” Dongwoo gasps, and Woohyun lets out a startled laugh, clear and loud, and Sunggyu finds himself laughing too, mouth falling open, and then—
and then Dongwoo is laughing with them too.
Later—much later, after they’ve heard the sounds of the others coming home and Sungyeol has rapped on the door and shouted, ‘I hope you’re happy in there! It’s about time!’ (and then been attacked and dragged off by Myungsoo)—Sunggyu presses closer to Dongwoo and tightens his grip on Woohyun’s hip.
“That was even better than I’d imagined,” Woohyun rumbles, nuzzling his nose behind Dongwoo’s ear. “Was it as good as you thought it would be, hyung? Did you think it would be like that?”
Sunggyu rolls his eyes. He is quite certain that no one in the room is in any doubt about just how good it was. “I didn’t think you’d talk this much.”
Dongwoo lets out a little laugh against Sunggyu’s collarbone. “I don’t think your fantasies were very realistic then, hyung.”
“Mine weren’t,” Woohyun interjects. “I knew your mouth was big, but I had no idea it was that big.”
Dongwoo’s head is tucked under Sunggyu’s chin, so he can’t see Dongwoo’s cheeks flush, but judging by the flustered laugh he lets out, they’re burning. “Woohyunnie,” he says warningly.
“And speaking of big—“
Dongwoo lets out a little shriek and Sunggyu lets go of Woohyun’s hip so he can pound a fist against his back. “Stop moving around! I want to sleep now!”
“Oh, I think we wore the old man out, Dongwoo.” Woohyun’s voice is totally obnoxious when it’s all awake and mischievous like that. It means he’s not anywhere near ready to sleep. Why won’t he be quiet?
“I’ll wear your ass out if you don’t shut the hell up.”
“Oooh, hyung. You promise?” Woohyun should not be allowed to purr. Sunggyu’s going to make a rule. Tomorrow.
Dongwoo chuckles, but he slides his arm around Sunggyu. “I’m pretty tired, too, Hyunnie.”
“But it’s not unanimous.”
“You’re outvoted, Nam.” Sunggyu says. “Majority rules. Shut your fucking mouth.”
“Speaking of fucking mouths….”
“Woohyun!”
“Nam Woohyun, if you don’t be quiet and let us sleep I’m putting you on bathroom duty till your military service starts.”
“I really don’t think you will, though. See, I know this guy who can talk you out of things like that, and I’m in pretty good with him—I think he likes me and—“
Dongwoo is laughing as he wriggles in between them till they loosen their arms enough so that he can flip over and kiss Woohyun. “If you go to sleep now, Woohyunnie, I’ll wake you up some way nice in the morning.”
“You always sleep later than him,” Sunggyu points out, settling himself back against Dongwoo. He has a very nice back to sleep on.
“I won’t tomorrow,” Dongwoo promises.
“I think I’m amenable to that plan,” Woohyun says.
“Good. So shut up.”
Miraculously, Woohyun actually does fall silent. Sunggyu snuggles further into the bed, closer to the other two. He isn’t usually one for this much cuddling, and though they cleaned up the best they could without actually leaving the room (and traumatizing their dongsaengs), he knows they’ll probably be stuck together in at least a couple of places in the morning. But this time it’s worth the risk: he has to make sure that Dongwoo feels their love for him as completely as they can show it, and besides—if they spread out any more, one of them will fall right off the bed. He can handle this, at least for the night.
(Or maybe forever.)