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Robert was trying desperately to get his breathing under control. He swore he was just a few beats away from his heart exploding and pouring blood out of his ears…
That was intense. That was complete madness. That was home… That was Aaron.
His Aaron was free again and panting in the driver’s seat next to him. Robert had taken Aaron’s car to the prison figuring he might like to drive a bit after being locked up for two months.
When Aaron had walked out of the gate in the same suit he’d gone in with, the star-crossed newlyweds had hugged the air out of each other for what had to have been seven or eight weeks… at least that’s how long it felt. When they’d finally pulled away from each other Robert had handed him the keys. Aaron had stared at them for a few moments before smirking and then taking his place in the driver’s seat.
Aaron hadn’t said much during the drive. Not especially unusual for him but he had a quiet pensive look about him.
“So that’s the real reason you wanted me to drive, is it? So you can keep staring at me,” Aaron had scolded as they entered the more rural isolation of the Dales.
“Can you blame me? It’s one hell of a view.”
Aaron hadn’t said anything to that, but not five minutes later, he had pulled the car off the road into a tree covered nook. For the next half hour they severely traumatized any wildlife that happened to be passing in the area. Aaron’s car wasn’t large, and Robert was rather tall, but damn if they weren’t going to make it work.
Still panting in his seat, Robert could already feel bruises forming in places bruises had no place being. He didn’t care. After far too long, he’d finally been with Aaron again. He’d finally been home.
Sometime later (because who gave a care, really), after they’d managed to learn how to breathe again, they’d gotten dressed, both men forgoing the jackets they’d been wearing. The passenger seat, they’d discovered was now broken. The ratchet only allowed it to remain all the way down or all the way up, so Robert was sitting stiffly straight. It was uncomfortable, but bloody worth it.
“When are they expecting us back?” Aaron asked.
“Texted Vic when you were coming out, but we’ve no fixed time.”
Aaron nodded to himself. “Right, so since we have a moment…” He trailed off looking out the defogging window.
“What? What is it? You know you can tell me anything, Aaron.”
Aaron nodded. “You too and all.” He turned back to Robert. “So why don’t you tell me what you’ve been keeping from me these last few weeks?”
“…I… What?”
“You know you can’t lie to me anymore, Robert. I can read you clear through now.”
“Aaron…”
“It must have been something bad. Something you though might make things worse for me in there. I can’t think of any other reason you wouldn’t have said something.”
Robert turned and looked out the passenger window. “I wanted to tell you,” he started quietly, “but you were a mess and I…”
He trailed off shaking his head. “I’m scum. I’m the worst person in the world, but I couldn’t let what happened hurt you more in there.”
Aaron rested his head against the window and closed his eyes. Any words Robert might have said caught in his throat.
“…Just say it.”
“…”
…
…
…
…
“That night… after I confronted you about the drugs. I got really drunk… I smashed things about, and then…”
…
…
…
…
“…Rebecca.”
Aaron had said the name so quietly that he almost didn’t hear him.
Robert tried to speak several times before his voice finally responded. “…I’m so sorry Aaron…”
The silence in the car stretched on for several painful minutes. It was out in the open now, but still, the car felt like a fuse ready to light.
“So… Are you together now?”
“What?!”
“You and Rebecca. You’re together now?”
“Aaron, no! It was a one-off. I swear to you.”
“You swore you’d never cheat. In your wedding vows. Remember those?”
“It was a one-off Aaron, and the worst mistake of my life. The next morning I… I couldn’t believe what I’d done. I told her it was a mistake and that it meant nothing.”
“But that’s not true, is it?”
“It is.”
“It meant something to me.” Aaron finally turned back to his husband. His face was red and tear-streaked but it was the pain in his eyes that tore most at Robert’s heart. “The one thing I was most afraid of was the one thing you made happen.”
“I’m sorr—”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. Cause it’s just the truth coming out, isn’t it? You want to be with her, not me!”
“I want you Aaron! Only you! For the rest of my life, only you!”
“THEN WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?!”
“BECAUSE I WANTED TO HURT YOU!”
Aaron visibly retracted at that. Robert deflated.
“You know what I’m like…”
“I thought I did.”
Robert shook his head. “You hurt me that day. I knew you were going through hell in there and I wanted to help. I’d been doin’ my head in spinning all these plates out here, but if I could help you, even just a little, I knew it’d be worth it.” He rubbed a hand across his face. “But then you… dismissed me. You said I wasn’t any used to you at all, meanwhile everything I’d been going to pieces out here trying to keep things together for the three of us! I necked an entire bottle of whisky… I wrecked our home… Apparently I texted Rebecca, though I don’t remember doing that…”
“You don’t remember?”
“One full bottle, Aaron. I was sitting in the rubble and then she was there sitting next to me. And we were talking… Or I was… It’s blurry… And I just remember thinking that you didn’t want me. That you wanted to be rid of me and the drugs were just an excuse.”
“That doesn’t even make any sense!”
“I know! But it’s what I remember thinking. And it hurt thinking that. And you know when someone hurts me…”
“You aim to hurt them back.”
Robert dropped his head.
“But this is me, Robert. I’m your husband. You’re not supposed to want to hurt your husband.”
“…I know.”
Aaron ran his hand through his hair. “We fight, yeah. We have our Barnies but we handle it and we move on. Is this what I have to look forward to now? Am I supposed to pull my punches ‘cause if I say something that hurts you, you’re going to run off with someone else? I can’t live like that Robert!”
“You won’t have to, I swear—”
“Stop swearing, ‘cause it means nothing!”
Robert clamped his mouth shut.
“So what happens now?”
Robert shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“You expect me to forgive you, and we just get on with it.”
“No.”
“So you’re done with me then?”
“No! No, Aaron, I mean, I don’t expect you to forgive me. What I did was unforgivable. I don’t expect you’ll ever be able to trust me again.”
“But you want us to stay together.”
“Yes. More than anything.”
“How’s that supposed to work?”
“I have no idea. But I’ll do anything, I sw— I’ll do anything.”
“…You were going to say it that day in the prison, right? Mum stopped you.”
“Yeah.”
“So she knows.”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re still alive?”
“Was a surprise to me too.”
“Did she walk in on you two or something?”
Robert shook his head. “No. I told her.”
Aaron was quiet for a few minutes.
“You fought tooth and nail to stop anyone from finding out about you and me when you were with Chrissie. What changed?”
Robert thought for a moment. “You mean more to me than she did.”
Aaron scoffed.
“I mean it. I… cared about Chrissie. Loved her a little, I suppose. I loved Katie, way back when. But you… No matter how much I cared about them, I still cared about me more. My happiness was more important when it came down to it and I couldn’t see that ever changing. But with you…. For the first time in my entire life, I care more about someone else’s happiness than my own. How you feel means more to me than anything or anyone else, including my idiot self. I had to tell you. I had to tell Chas. Because I couldn’t lie to you about this; not for good. I didn’t tell you in the prison, but I was going to tell you. I had to. You deserved to know.” He took a breath. “So… as much as it would kill me, if you want me to go, then I’ll go. I’ll pack my things and I’ll be out of your life… out of the village if you want. I won’t be pleased. But if it’s what you need… what you want… I’ll do it.”
Aaron was facing out his own window again and muttered something Robert couldn’t hear.
“What was that?”
“I said I’m a muppet.” He turned back to Robert. “For better or worse. Those are the vows right? Just didn’t expect them to be tested three weeks out. I’m so… angry with you right now it’s literally making my head hurt. But the idea of you leaving…” Aaron trailed off, his hand absently rubbing at his chest over his heart.
After a few more quiet minutes, Aaron started the car.
“I think we need to talk to someone smarter than us.”
“A councillor?”
Aaron nodded.
“Okay,” he chewed on his bottom lip…. “Does this mean that…”
“You’re going nowhere for now,” Aaron said, pulling out of the grove up to the road again. “And you’ll make sure that cow stays away from us. Both of us!”
“Not even a question.”
They waited as small car drove past.
“I love you,” Aaron said quietly. “I’m so angry you, but I love you.”
“I love you too. Always.”
Aaron hit the passenger seat with his fist, causing the ratchet to loosen and the back to fall, Robert with it. He smirked and pulled onto the roadway for home.
End