Chapter Text
“Alec, just tell me. If you can’t tell me, your parabatai, then who can you tell?” Jaces’ eyebrows shoot up as he makes his point.
The two of them are sat across from each other, on the floor of the training room. It’s after midnight and the only light comes streaming in through the half-open door they had come through and not bothered to close about an hour ago, illuminating their faces with a soft amber glow from the corridor. With their expressions made obvious from this light, Jace continues to press Alec for answers.
Alec should have known that this late-night session, intended to relieve stress from the pair of shadowhunters, would end up causing more harm than good to his already spiralling emotions. Alec knew he had been so painfully obvious with his distraction whilst they were sparring together, with every punch his partner got in on him, eliciting a questioning look and a “are you sure you’re okay?”
Now, Alec simply prays that this interrogation will all be over soon and he can go up to bed, close his door behind him, and crawl under his covers with an exasperated sigh, like he does most nights. If only. Jace is not so willing to let this go judging by the stern look of his face, a question still on his lips.
“Well?” Jace continues.
Alec, remembering the question, thinks to himself anyone but you. The cause of his constant distraction being something he had hoped to never have to have a conversation about with the very man sitting opposite him right now.
“It’s nothing” Alec persists. “I’m just tired.”
“Oh, come on Alec, you’ve been acting weird for weeks now. You think I can’t tell something’s up? You feel, I feel, remember?”
Alec almost snorts at this, the irony. He feels sure that if Jace really did feel what he, himself, felt, that his current problems would be a lot smaller. But he knew that would never happen, knew he would be doomed to live with his forbidden feelings and that they would continue to be unrequited.
Alec tries desperately not to make eye contact as he stumbles over his words. “I just, I just haven’t...been myself…recently, that’s all.” He finishes with a short, pained apology.
Jace instantly softens his expression at this, a small sigh escaping his lips. “You don’t have to be sorry. I just wish you’d open up, Alec, this, whatever it is, is clearly getting to you. Badly.”
Alec makes eye contact, briefly, then moves his gaze down Jace’s face and away from the beautiful eyes staring at him with concern. He does this faster than what would be considered natural. Clearly getting to you. Yeah. He thought to himself, without sarcasm. I can see how you came to that conclusion, Jace.
Jace is the one to speak next, after seeing how uncomfortable his brother looks, silent.
“Look, whatever it is, I can handle it. We can handle it – together. Like we do everything.”
Alec can’t remember the last time he heard his parabatai being so sappy, for lack of a better word. It only made him fall harder. Damn it. Alec curses how this man always made so much sense and put so much reassurance into his words. When he wanted to.
Feeling defeated, the black-haired shadowhunter sighs. Should he just tell him? Is he even able to, though? He laughs internally at himself for realising he was more scared about the words about to come out of his mouth than he had ever been on the battlefield. He breathes in deep.
“Alec, please?” Jace begs, a pleading look on his face. But Alec already has his arrow ready to fly.
“I am in love with you.” It flies. No turning back.
Jace’s face goes through a lot of emotions then but shock is not one of them, Alec notes with surprise. In fact, what Jace does next is so unexpected, Alec just freezes, wide-eyed.
“Finally!” Jace exclaims as one big, exasperated sigh. Alec doesn’t move an inch for a good few seconds of processing time then blinks.
“What?” He manages.
“Sorry. I mean wow.” Jace corrects, eyebrows shooting for the sky. “You actually told me.” And a fond smile places itself on his face.
Alec doesn’t know what to do with himself, so he just stares. For a while, anyway.
“You knew?!”
“Alec, look, subtlety is not exactly your strong suit.” Jace looks almost apologetic. “And I’m very observant.” He adds with an almost smug smile forming.
“I can’t believe this! How could you not have told me? You just let me suffer?” Alec is breathing heavy, his palms sweating, eyes now fixed on his parabatai’s, like daggers.
“Alec, I wasn’t sure, of course, but I put the pieces together…” He now looks slightly guilty, realising he may have appeared to be making light of the situation that was causing Alec so much pain. “I just really wanted you to want to tell me. You know? I thought I could get something out of you eventually and that you would be relieved?” Jace knew the fact he said this as a question wasn’t good.
“How long have you known?” Alec tries to calm down as he is aware the man he knows so well would never intentionally hurt him. Knowingly, anyway, he thinks.
“About 6 months? I don’t know.” Jace looks pretty drained by now, they both do.
“Oh” Alec knows he has to tell Jace the whole truth, what’s the point in hiding anything now?
“What?” Jace realises the tone in his parabatai’s voice. “How long have you known?”
“Since a few days before our parabatai ritual…” Alec winces, awaiting this reaction.
Jace’s eyes bulge and the elbow he had leaning on the ledge next to him collapses, quite ungracefully. “Oh.” He breathes in deep. “I didn’t see that coming.”
“Yeah…”
“That’s six years ago, Alec!” Jace decides to exclaim this as if Alec isn’t well aware of this fact.
“Yeah, and it’s been so fun.” The sarcasm drips as he says it.
Jace looks sad but then speaks up.
“Huh. I guess I owe you more credit for your subtlety. And I’m clearly not as observant as I thought.”
Alec just sighs, for what seems like the millionth time. “I’m sorry, Jace. I’m so sorry.” He feels as though he might cry.
“No, Alec, don’t apologise.” He says before shifting his position slightly so that he could lean back on the wall behind them, legs laid out straight in front and crossed at the ankle. Alec thought he looked very relaxed, considering the topic being discussed.
“I don’t know what to do.” Alec states simply, gazing at the floor in front of him. “This is so bad, Jace.”
“Oh, I don’t know, there are worse things to be told.” Jace also stares off, not looking at Alec, but for different reasons.
“Really? Like what?” Alec can’t help the irritated tinge that comes with this when he says it.
“You could be telling me you hate me” Jace offers. “Though, that is absurdly unrealistic, I suppose.”
Typical Jace. Alec thinks, scoffing. But he can’t bring himself to be annoyed by the shameless egotism he was more than used to by now.
“Why are you not more upset about all this?” Alec demands. “Don’t you realise how terrible it is?”
“It’s inconvenient, I’ll admit.”
“Inconvenient?” Alec sounds flustered now. “I suppose it will be pretty inconvenient when we’re exiled and deruned.” He deadpans.
“Only if the clave finds out.” Jace adds, with a point. “You’ve done a pretty good job at hiding it so far.”
“I am sick of suffering in secret, Jace, I thought you understood that much.”
Jace now looks right at his fretting parabatai, forcing Alec to look up to meet his gaze.
“But it’s different now. Now, we both know that each other knows.” Jace’s voice is becoming more and more soft as he reassures Alec. “You don’t have to suffer alone anymore, we’ll work this out. Together.”
This last word makes Alec’s heart leap. Could they really get through this? Together?
Alec has a hard time believing what Jace is saying, after all, Alec was the one suffering, who has been suffering all this time. And now Jace thinks miraculously that they can resolve everything Alec is hung up about with the power of teamwork?
“How exactly?” Alec asks sceptically. “It’s not like you can click your fingers and my feelings will go away just like that.” Alec knows he’s probably being harsh.
“Well what do you want me to say?” Jace looks hard at Alec’s pained face. “What can I do to make this easier for you?”
“Nothing.” Alec looks away now, ashamed. “It’s okay. This is my cross to bear.”
“No. I want to help, we’re in this together, I –”
“You really think that’s gonna help? You being there, picking up the pieces, a shoulder to cry on? You don’t think that’ll just make things even harder for me?” Alec looks mad, he knows he’s gone too far, but he’s upset and Jace doesn’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.
“Well shit, Alec, I don’t know!” Now Jace looks annoyed, if not, just exasperated, drained, desperate. “I really don’t know, okay?” Alec notices a sad, defeated undertone to his voice now. “I’m not an expert. I’ve never even been in love.” As he says this, his eyes are once again detracted from Alec and go to look at his own feet.
Now Alec does feel bad for snapping. This man, his brother in arms, has sat here, on the cold, hard floor, well into the night, comforting and reassuring him, ensuring that they reach the bottom of what’s been giving Alec so much grief. He could have just walked away, it wasn’t his problem, after all. But he stayed, and Alec knew he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Where thou goest, I will go.
“It’s really not all it’s cracked up to be” Alec says softly, sort of hugging himself with his long arms wrapped around his middle. “It’s not worth it.”
Jace counters this. “It probably is, as long as you don’t fall in love with your parabatai.” He smirks and Alec sees the Jace he knows and loves, always wanting to cheer up his grumpy best friend.
Alec can’t help but let out a small laugh, instantly feeling a huge weight being lifted. “That’s hilarious. Thank you.” He remarks humorously in reply.
Jace looks at him fondly now, all love. Warmth spreads throughout the cold, empty void Alec thought he had permanently inflicted himself with, since the start of this heavy conversation. This is why he loved him and why he couldn’t just turn it off. He’s not even sure he wants to turn it off anymore. By the angel, why is love so complicated.
“Alec?” His gaze doesn’t leave Alec’s. “Can I admit something to you?”
“I think it’s only fair.” Alec remarks, curious to see what Jace could possibly have in store for him. Whatever it is, it couldn’t trump ‘I’m in love with you’, that’s for sure.
Jace clears his throat and Alec expects some kind of monologue to follow. He’s intrigued, to say the least. And grateful that some of the heat is being taken off of him.
“When I was young, it was just me and my father.” Jace begins, now looking back at his feet. “I didn’t have any friends, siblings, no one. My version of love was just what I thought my father and I had. That was all love was, an obligation, almost. And even that was torn away from me.”
There’s a sad and short silence before Jace clears his throat and continues.
“When I came here, to your family, I was overwhelmed. You were people who already had such love for each other, so much that there must have been spare for me, I guess. You accepted me, right off the back, just like that.” Alec remembers ten-year-old Jace well and with fondness. He has always felt so lucky that that young blond boy was brought to him, as if by fate, and he couldn’t imagine his life without him now.
“What I’m trying to say is…” Jace seems to struggle and Alec does wonder where it’s going.
“…Is that you and Izzy are the first people I ever had the opportunity to learn to love. You gave me that opportunity by always making me feel welcome, like one of the family. I didn’t understand it at the time, I wasn’t used to…you know…other people. But I did learn to love you. Both of you. And I still do, so much.”
Alec felt his chest tighten at the words. It’s not as if Jace hadn’t told him he loved him before but this felt different, more meaningful because of the conversation it was a part of.
“Like I said, I don’t know a lot about love. I can’t easily distinguish between the different forms it takes. But…”
Alec took a sharp intake of breath in anticipation.
“But I do know I love you in a different way to how I love Izzy.” Jace looks expectantly at Alec who has been looking right back with intent as he’s been speaking.
“Right. Because of our bond.” Alec offers.
“Exactly.” Jace looks relieved that he’s understood. “I get that, Alec. I get you. We’re parabatai and it’s…familiar, you know?”
Alec just nods, still slightly unsure where all this is going. Jace stops leaning on the wall and sits upright, with more intention, looking at Alec.
“What I’m trying to say is you are the person I love most in the world, Alec. I know that. Fact.”
“Jace, why are you telling me this now?” Should Alec be worried? Excited?
“What if I just don’t know how I love you?”
Alec squinted in confusion at Jace’s rhetorical question, missing something. Jace carried on, seeing his confusion.
“Look, over these past six years, I haven’t felt anything…weird, different. Through the bond, I mean. No discrepancies. Which should mean that we have both shared the same feelings towards each other, right? Or else, I would have found out your dirty little secret years ago.”
Alec wasn’t sure how much he appreciated the referral of his deep-rooted and emotionally intense feelings towards his parabatai as a ‘dirty little secret’ but his intrigue stopped him from questioning it.
“It can only mean one thing, really.” Jace says this as if it’s obvious what he means but Alec’s brows furrow even more, making Jace elaborate.
“One of us must be wrong.” He states simply to Alec, looking directly at him, willing him to understand.
Alec feels a horrible sensation come over him as something dawns on him.
“Wait, are you saying you think I’m making this all up? That it’s not real, I’ve just been lying to myself all these years? Really? You think you can tell me how I actually feel, that I don’t really love you like-”
“No. Alec.” Jace cuts him off calmly. “I’m saying maybe I’ve been dishonest with myself.”
“What?” This is an interesting idea, Alec thinks, ridiculous, but interesting, no less.
“Maybe that’s the reason everything has felt so natural with our bond all these years, despite your divergence.” Jace looks genuinely intrigued, himself, by what he’s saying, as if he’s simply figuring it out as he goes along. Alec suspects he is.
Alec can’t believe it though. Why would Jace ever have feelings like that for Alec? It wasn’t the same, Jace wasn’t…
“But you’re not even…” Gay, Alec completes in his head.
“Gay?” Jace knows what he’s thinking but has different ideas. “Does it matter? It’s you.”
Alec is temporarily stunned. What is going on? Is Jace exploring the possibility of Alec’s forbidden feelings being reciprocated? Alec has to know more.
“But surely you would know. Like I do?”
“Maybe not. Like I said, I am no expert, Alec. Maybe I’m just not as in touch with my feelings?”
“What? As opposed to me?” Alec couldn’t hide his ‘are you serious?’ tone. “Jace, we all know I have the emotional capabilities of a rock.” He thinks and decides to add “A rock that’s been rained on.”
This makes Jace smile that smile and Alec almost wishes he hadn’t said it. Almost.
“True” Jace manages through the smile and he looks away, around the room. Everything is silent for a few moments.
“Can I ask you a question” Alec says when they both return to more serious faces, the remnants of light-heartedness remaining in their soft expressions. “You have to be completely honest.”
“Of course.” Jace doesn’t even look nervous. Oh, how Alec envies him sometimes.
“Do you… mind?” Alec asks this rather shyly despite everything they’ve already discussed.
Jace looks dumbfounded as he turns his attention back to his parabatai, eyes on eyes. Now, he looks serious.
“Alec” he starts. “Of course I don’t mind.” Alec sighs from relief, internally and Jace continues. “I don’t care. Well, I mean, I care about you and your feelings, obviously, but I don’t think any less of you. What kind of parabatai would that make me?” He pauses and then thinks of something else he wants to say.
“The only thing I mind, is the fact that I haven’t been there for you with this for the past 6 years, when you needed me most. It kills me that you had to go through all this on your own because that’s what I’m here for, Alec. So you don’t ever have to do anything alone.”
Alec sits there, in awe of his perfect parabatai, knowing just the right things to say. How do I deserve this man? They smile at each other, friendly, natural and familiar. Suddenly, that whole conversation could have never even happened because nothing had changed between them. There is no awkwardness, no tension and Alec realises in this moment that he’s glad everything is out in the open. Maybe they could work this mess out together?
Jace breaks the comfortable silence first. “Would it be weird if I hugged you?”
Alec just breathes out and smiles more. About an hour ago, the answer would have been yes, for sure, not that he would have admit that then. Now he doesn’t have to. He shakes his head in response and adds “I really hope not because I could use it.”
A few seconds later and they’re wrapped up in each other’s arms, still on the floor, breathing the other one in to stabilise themselves, ground themselves. And it’s not weird; it’s the opposite.
They stand up together and Jace tells Alec he should get some sleep after all that strenuous soul-searching. Alec agrees with a yawn but as they near the corridor where they will go their separate ways, Alec looks decidedly sad again, lost in thought about the consequences of his frowned-upon feelings.
Before they do part ways, Jace promises they will talk in the morning and everything will be fine. But Alec’s sad smile at this puts Jace at unease and before he’s walked too far away from his best friend, he calls back to him quickly.
“Alec?” Jace turns around as he says it, not content with the look on Alec’s face, not prepared to leave him like that.
“Yeah?”
“Cheer up, okay? It could be worse.”
“Go on” Alec invites.
“You could have told me you secretly don’t really even like me?”
“Don’t you think that would be easier?”
Jace smiles. “No.” is all he says. It’s all he needs to.
Jace is rewarded by a genuine smile and that’s enough to send him back in the direction of his room, with an even bigger smile plastered on his own face. Jace wonders to himself, what form of love is this?