Chapter Text
“Hey, um...Are you...are you okay?”
Why do you care? The thought is sudden, biting, and guilt comes almost as quickly as the bitterness. She swallows a sigh, doesn’t tear her eyes from the water lapping at the ferry, the morning sun making the churning waves glint like gold.
“I’m fine,” she says, the words like dust in her mouth. She’s so tired. But this time...she just might get to sleep. At least a little bit.
The rustle of fabric; Jonas shuffling nervously.
“It’s just—you got kinda quiet after we talked and I’m sorry for like, not knowing you, I guess? I mean, I really was with Ren all night but—”
Alex straightens from her slump against the railing and looks Jonas in his worried dark eyes for as long as she can stand it, to make sure he knows she’s sincere.
“I’m fine Jonas, really.” She looks away, back to the water. “I was just confused. It’s been a long night.”
She doesn’t even know why she tried, really. She knew what he would say the moment she tried to insist they knew one another. But...even after all this time, a part of her rebels against all their experiences together, all the terror, all the memories— being gone. Just like that.
She really is a spoiled little girl.
“Well, still.” Oh. Jonas is still here. Why is he talking to her…?
Alex looks back to Jonas, brow furrowed. This is new, and while new used to be exciting, now it’s just a promise of something else she’ll endure over and over and over again.
With her full attention, Jonas shifts his weight to one side, fists buried deep in his pockets. His shoulders are hiked up just a bit, the way he does when he’s uncomfortable. She wants to reach out and touch his arm, assure him everything’s cool, it’s just her, just Alex, but the problem is that she is just Alex and to him, they don’t know each other like that. Her grip tightens on the railing. She wants this moment over and done with.
“I wanted to say thank you, too. You saved me—all of us—and I wouldn’t be standing here if it wasn’t for you.”
“Oh.” Alex musters a smile, waving her hand dismissively. “Don’t mention it. All in a day’s work and all that.”
“Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, you only took on a bunch of intra-dimensional demonic ghosts trying to use our bodies as their puppets. No biggie.”
A burst of startled laughter leaves Alex at the caustic, flat way Jonas delivers that statement. Jonas is always the same, predictable right until he’s not.
Jonas laughs with her, no doubt relieved to have broken the ice. The laughter fades quietly from her as she watches him.
In a way, it feels like she’s saying goodbye. She watches the way his eyes crinkle at the corners, the quirk of his lips, the slope of his shoulders; she takes in the way the breeze lifts the brown tufts of hair that peek beneath his beanie and the rough edge smoking has lent his laughter. All of it is as familiar as her own face, but she’s...never going to be able to share that closeness again, will she? She can still ensure they grow to be good friends, can make sure they’re still in each other's lives, but she’ll always be chasing a past that was erased so long ago there are times she forgets it herself.
Jonas is calming down, his eyes are focusing back on her and she’s officially starring. But she decides to push it just this once, to will time to linger for just a few more seconds before she has to close the door on what was honestly one of the most meaningful relationships of her life.
Jonas’s brows draw together and that’s it. Moment gone. Bye.
“What? Something on my face?”
“No, no.” Alex breaks eye contact and braces her arms on the railing once more. Her hands dangle in the open, crisp air threading through her fingers. “Just thinking.” Jonas doesn’t move away, so she elaborates, “Everything’s...going to be so different.”
“Hey, it’ll be fine. Nothing that several years of counseling won’t fix.” When Alex just barely cracks a smile, Jonas steps closer, tries in vain to catch her eyes. “Seriously, Alex. I know we don’t know each other that well,” Alex winces, “but it’s over, okay? Pretty soon, this will all be like a bad dream.”
“Hey, Alex!” They both look across the ferry, where the seats are and there’s Ren, jumping up and down and waving like a madman as if there’s an ocean between them instead of a few yards. “Quit hogging the new guy and come selfie with us! Group photo time!”
Jonas quirks a reassuring smile her way and walks over, looking decidedly more at ease talking to Ren, a visible tension finally fully leaving his shoulders. Alex watches them all for a moment, Clarissa and Michael (breathing, smiling, there and whole and no matter how many times it’s happened this sight always steals her breath) , heads tilted towards one another, having a low, private conversation with fond tilts to their lips. Ren standing next to Nona, waxing poetic about proper lighting while Nona pretends not to find him endearing and Jonas rolls his eyes.
She’s happy to have them all here, happy they’re all free, but in this moment, there’s no satisfaction. Just an overwhelming loneliness.
Alex forcibly ignores the thought when it comes. She has every cause to feel this way, but even still, feeling sad while everyone else celebrates makes her feel guilty. Whatever. She has a picture to take.
Alex casts one last look out towards Edward’s Island.
Jonas doesn’t know how right he is. They’re free. She knows from experience that the whole night will fade until the bits and pieces they do recall all seem so bizarre it couldn’t possibly be real. They get to go to sleep, and rise in the morning, and move on. Make new memories, grow up, grow old.
Which is great, really. It’s what she’s wanted for so long now. But Alex…
“Just a bad dream,” she murmurs, without a flicker of hope in her chest.
She doesn’t get to wake up.