Work Text:
One Call Away
And when you are weak, I’ll be strong
When you feel like all hope is gone
Just run into my arms
I’m only one call away
"One Call Away", Charlie Puth
Walls seemed to be closing in, sucking away any trace of air left in the room. Sweat pearled hands, as if it wanted to leak outside whatever storm was raging within that small frame crouched down in search of a corner where it could hide and be gone from the sun and the light.
He should be used to those moments, a tiny and small part of his mind seemed to want to rationalize. He should be used to because they had happened so many times that he could predict them and be almost always right.
Almost.
Yet, he still couldn’t prevent them.
Yet, he still couldn’t do anything but let them happen, let them use his body as if it was their favorite playground and let them twist his mind until nothing made sense anymore.
Yet, he still couldn’t force himself to call for help. Not initially. Not in those first moments, when everything was fresh and still seemed so easy to fight it off as a day started badly.
Thoughts ran through his mind, a wheezing and rasping sound echoed through the walls, bouncing on and off like a taunting ghost. No voice came out that morning, his battled and abused vocal chords had once again given up the battle and he had been left like a broken doll, unable to say a word but only able to let tears stream down his face.
He had wanted to be strong. He had become stronger, that was what everyone had been telling him for weeks. Months. It didn’t seem that way in that moment, it totally looked and felt like the first time, right after the first session in the recording studio in London when his voice disappeared in the middle of a new song. And, just like that day, he had hidden away from everyone, snuck in one of the rooms where no one was used to go and just hoped that he could make it through, that somehow those tremors would stop by their own and his voice would be back like nothing had ever happened.
He had to make it through even now. On his own.
Frustration started to sweep into those tears, fumbling with those invisible buttons where his rage and anger were hidden. He was stronger. He was doing better, for he had been able to endure a tour and a few recording sessions for his album with so little trouble. But that morning, right out of the blue…
“I’m one call away. Whatever happen, just call me, okay?”
The promise came back in a soothing voice that, even if it came from his mind and memory, it was already able to calm down that rapid heartbeat. His fingers tightened up their grip around the phone that they have been holding since the first sign had appeared. He should call him. He wanted to call him, he wanted to hear that voice that had always believed in him and that had always managed to cut through his panic and anxiety. How many times had he held himself up to those words? He had gripped them as if they were safelivers, solid rocks that could defend him from the brutal force of waves and rain. He had let himself be held, comforted as if he had been a scared kid and…
And, yet, those were the same reasons why he was so afraid to call, so ashamed to need someone that bad.
To need him so badly.
To need Nick as if nothing else could save him.
When did it happen? When did the world turned around and transformed the saviour into the one that needed to be saved?
It hadn’t been easy. That relationship. That new balance. Brian had fought so hard before crumbling down, before letting his defenses shatter down and let Nick see what was going on inside his mind and soul. And he was still battling, he was still fighting that need because it always seemed so distant from the person he had always been. The one who had never needed someone else’s hand to stand up again.
But, before, that person hadn’t had to face those days. Blank days. Down days. He still didn’t want to identify them with a name, as if he could make it look like they didn’t belong to his life. But they were and they had always been part of his life, even if before he had been able to hide them behind a smile or a joke. Now he was tired of trying to be that person. Now he didn’t care if someone could see him through the mask, through that pretense to enjoying lights and colors even if all he wanted was to crawl under the blanket and let world walk another day.
Now he knew that he needed to make just one call and the person on the other side wouldn’t make fun of him, discard his sadness as just something trivial. Now he knew that he didn’t have to face those days all alone, because Nick had fought so much to make him believe that he wasn’t.
Alone.
He would never be alone in that fight and whatever other fights they would have to face in the future.
When did that kid become so wise and full of courage? So full of hope and trust?
“I just learned from the best. It’s just my turn to pick up your sword and fight for you. But you have to let me or it would never work. - Nick had replied during one of the first fights, one of the multiple times when Brian had asked for help before it had been too late. - I’ve been where you are now, Brian. I know what it feels to be scared and desperate but you’ve always believed in me. And I will always believe in you. Idiot.”
Only a second. That was how much it took for the fingertip to hit the speed dial and make that call. Feeling ashamed, feeling vulnerable, feeling like a vase that was about to leak out all the water. But Nick was just a call away and even if the recording machine had picked up instead of his voice, Brian could finally breathe for the first time.
Maybe it was better that way, Brian thought, as his voice finally came out and started to rasp out words that had always been saved for darkness and loneliness. Maybe it was better that way because those words would have never been let out if Nick's voice had replied immediately.
*********
During the long hours of flight he had done just one thing: replaying over and over again that message that had been left on his phone, the mere reason why he had left everything behind without even a second thought and jumped on a plane hoping that it would, somehow, bring him back home sooner than usual and normally.
The tone always got him first, a hit straight to his chest where invisible fingers started to wrap themselves around his heart, squeezing painfully at each word and pause, breaths and sobs that were filling his ears and mind. It was a tone that Nick had rarely heard from Brian or, at least, rarely it had been directed to him: though the older had always been pretty much straightforward with his feelings, most of the times Nick had been left wondering and pondering about all those things that were kept so well hidden and protected, as if Brian didn’t trust him, or himself, to let everything out in the open.
Until now.
Until that phone call that Nick had missed because he had been too focused and absorbed into a song that didn’t want to come out as he wanted: it had been probably a lucky gift from fate and destiny for he was damn sure that, if he had been able to get it, Brian wouldn’t let himself free of those chains that trapped his most inner thoughts and emotions.
“I… I don’t even know why I am calling you. Maybe all I wanted, all I needed was to hear your voice, a small reminder that I’m not as alone as I think I am and that, no matter what, there is still one person able to wash away all my fears and let the sun shine again. But, at the same time, I didn’t want you to pick this phone call.
It’s weird, I know. It’s a contradiction. But that’s what I am, right?
I guess it’s the old me not wanting you to hear what I’m about to say, words that I should have said a long time ago but never… never found the courage to say because of what they mean. And it’s not because I don’t think you can’t understand them or me, you’ve always been the only one able to see right through all my walls and my smiles, my being a clown so no one would see the cracks and the weight I was carrying around. I guess I’m still holding on to that role I picked up the first day we met, that beautiful and special day when we decided that we were going to be best friends in the whole world: the hero. The wiser one. The protector. The one that was supposed to teach you how to love and accept to be loved in return. And I know a lot about love, I know a lot about worrying, care and look after the ones that I let inside my heart; yet, you showed me that I knew nothing about being loved, about letting someone else take over all the worries, cares, fears and be reassured. Be taken care of.
It’s still hard for me, you know? It still hard to open myself up to you.”
A first pause. A first intake of air. Struggled. Trembling. Nick could just picture Brian in that moment, curled up in a corner of the room, back against the wall and his gaze focused on the window nearby, hoping that the sight of the night or day would and could bring some sort of solace and peace for that stormed soul. He could imagine the scene as if he had been there, a silent and invisible observer as he had done so many times in the past, when he hadn’t known how to comfort that hero that was breaking down silently in the other bed, crushed by those weights that he felt he had to endure on his own: knees drawn tight against his chest, a hand that would go quickly to the eyes, sweeping away those first tears that had been brave enough to risk and had tried to run down. Something pulled the string of his heart and Nick, for a brief second, couldn’t seem to breath anymore, the air stole away by the realization that he couldn’t be there.
Yet.
He couldn’t be there yet and reach out and pull that small but strong man inside his arms and letting him know that it was okay to break down; that it was okay if, just for once, he wasn’t strong enough to keep up his defenses and his brave face. Wasn’t that love? Wasn’t that the reason why they completed each other as if they were two halves of the same being? Wasn’t that the reason why fate had made them wait before letting them realizing their feelings so that he, Nick, could grow and become just who Brian needed by his side?
“Because it’s you, Nick. Because there is always that fear, that small voice in the back of my mind, that warns me that you’re gonna run away the moment I show how much I need you. And I can’t… can’t even try imagine a life without you by my side. Not again. This time… this time I don’t think I will ever be able to pick myself up and let you believe that it’s okay, that I’m okay with us being apart.
And it scares me. It frightens me.
When did I become this person, Nick? When did I become that type of person who can’t imagine his life without someone else? But it’s not just someone else, I can live perfectly fine without people because I’m used to, because I’ve taught myself so I wouldn’t be hurt again. Or left behind. Or abandoned.
With a frustrated sigh Nick kept listening to the message, hoping that the plane would somehow go quicker because it was almost a torture sitting there and not being able to do something. Not even calling Brian and reassure him that he was coming back, that soon he was going to have a shoulder to lean on for a while, a place where he could hide and let all his fragilities and weakness out in the open.
“I thought that I could do it, that I could keep being the same and old Brian even if now you have hold and control of my heart. I thought that I was being cautious enough, not letting you closer because I didn’t want to be completely hopeless and helpless if… if things wouldn’t work out for us. I couldn’t risk it, I couldn’t let myself be so open and fragile with you because, no matter how many years have gone by and how much you’ve grown up and became a man, you’re still my Frack.”
Frack.
Frick and Frack.
A warm blanket wrapped itself around Nick’s heart hearing Brian’s voice using that nickname. For so long, for years and years, those nicknames had been kind of forgotten, self-imposed distance and that longing for something that they couldn’t have had seemed like that there wasn’t anymore any chance to get back to those golden years of friendship. But Brian would be always Nick’s Frick, in the same way he would always be Brian’s Frack.
No matter what.
“You’re still my Frack and that means that I have a role to play. A duty. Because you’re my Frack and I promised, a long time ago, that I would do anything for you. And time hasn’t changed it. Us being together hasn’t changed or broken that promise. You’re my Frack and I still have to protect you, guide and lead you through this crazy road that it’s life. But it’s not that easy being a protector, it’s not that easy keeping up this role and this armor.
Sometimes…
Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s a weight impossible to bear and all you really want is for someone to step in and take it for you, just so that for a moment you can breathe again. And, God, I so want you to be that someone, you know? I so want to lean inside your embrace and forget about who we are supposed to be.
But I can’t let myself need you like that because I’m so damn scared. I fear that, if I show you this side of me, this small soul that sometimes pops up and takes over my voice and body, I would scare you and push you away because this isn’t the Brian you’ve fallen in love with. And when those moments of doubt arise, I’m not even sure that you even love me. How can you? How can you love me when all I do is screw and mess everything up? How can you love me when you were used to look up at me for advices and lessons and now I can’t even assure and reassure that I will be okay?
Yet, I knew I couldn’t fight it. This love that I feel for you is something that I haven’t experienced before. It has always been there, it was that small voice that had made me your best friend and, at the same time, your worst enemy because it didn’t want to see you so broken and so lost. No matter how hard I fought, no matter how hard I tried to keep you away from this moments of weakness, how hard I tried to stay behind my walls and protect what was left of me, you’ve managed to climb up and jump inside. Your presence, just knowing that you are in the other room, laughing and just being yourself, is enough to keep me sane. You make this whole mess less scary and terrifying, you make me believe that I can do it, that I can survive the bad days and soar up into the good and better ones.”
Those admissions. They were strange. They were everything Nick had wanted and silently asked Brian but, at the same time, a part of him had been a little scared by that, for it was something that clashed with the image he had of Brian in his head, that had nothing to do with that scared and unsure voice: the Brian he remembered, the Brian he had always known, was someone he couldn’t reach because he was like a star, a precious star that lead the way and tried to cast a light through the darkness that had surrounded him for almost half of his life. Now it seemed that everything had been turned upside down, as if Brian had taken all the black and the cold and keep them within himself, as if it was the only solution possible to save and protect Nick. But that darkness had been too much bigger, it had been too much to hold inside because it had nowhere to go and had became impossible to keep it as a safe treasure. It made Nick feel part guilty of that, a little bit responsible because he must had done something wrong if Brian, his Brian, had always felt the urge to hide those thoughts instead than sharing them. How many times had Brian lectured Nick how much important it was to talk his feeling out instead than drowning them with beers and everything else?
And yet there he was, Brian, doing the same thing.
Nick shook his head as another voice started to pick up the microphone and told another version of the story. Another part of Nick that, though it sounded contorted and twisted, was kind relieved, as if it needed to hear those words because it hadn’t been sure about that relationship. About being enough for someone like Brian, someone who had always been a better and stronger version of him. It was a sort of relief knowing that Brian had Nick’s own doubts and fears because it was something that he could fix it, that he knew how to fix it: because he had always had such an amazing example to follow.
A rush pride of hit Nick, taking away some of the insecurities and doubts that had filled his mind and hearts just a few words before; a tiny smile curved his lips, soft eyes gazed outside the window as he replayed those words over and over again, until his mind was only filled with confidence and self worth, for there was nothing better and more uplifting than knowing that he did matter, that he was able to turn Brian’s world around and make him feel better. It was just a small thing, maybe. Yet, Nick had never heard those words before, not from that someone who he had admired and longed to help for so long: he had always thought, and believed, that he had yet to gain back Brian’s trust and faith when, in reality, he had already been gifted with them without even noticing it. Or, maybe, he had never lost them no matter how many times he had thought, and truly believed, that Brian hated him. And that, itself, was the most precious gift Nick could ever receive in his entire life, a promise that would never be broken and two strong pillars that would never crumble down because they had already witnessed and gone through one of the most terrible of the storms.
“I don’t want to miss you so bad. I want you to be able to go around the world and don’t miss me this way, maybe I’m just scared that one day you’ll get tired of this mess. But I can’t help missing you, I can’t help wishing that you were here with me, especially during those bad days that still happen and will always be there in the future, looming behind the bright and sunny days of our love. It’s easier to believe the voices in my head when your endless faith isn’t here, fighting alongside with my stubbornness and my need to always be right and win whatever obstacle I get thrown in the face. It’s easier to breathe, to relax under your caresses and leaning in those words that soothe a soul that it’s too battered and worn out. Because the truth is that, sometimes, I’m tired and so ready to give up everything: how can I fight this thing for all of my life? It’s impossible, yet I have to. And, sometimes, this weight is too much to bear. Sometimes I don’t want to be by myself, no matter how hard I tried to prove that I don’t need anybody and that I’m strong enough to conquer oceans and mountains. Isn’t this the reason why you love me?”
Yes, that had always been one of the reasons why Nick loved Brian more than he had ever love everyone else. But it wasn’t just that, there were million of things that paved that path of love and admiration, dedication and just infinite trust and faith in the older man, that small yet strong man that had built a nest inside Nick’s heart since the first time they had met. Back then Nick hadn’t known that, one day, he was going to find himself so over the moon and just freaking happy but he had always felt that they were destined to be in each other’s lives for the rest of time.
Sometimes Nick didn’t understand how Brian had been able to endure that situation without going crazy or doing something just to alleviate the pain and the uncertainty; Nick didn’t know how he could keep going on knowing that he couldn’t ever be that perfect voice that had always been the cornerstone of the group, a fixed point in a constellation that had been on the verge of becoming a dark and black void so many times that it was such a miracle that they could keep going and making music. Most of the times Nick had admired Brian’s deny to surrender, that stubbornness that had managed to get him through a world tour that had lasted more than two years, that will that had made him always fight for keeping his role as if nothing had really happened, as if nothing had really changed. Most people could never understand it, most people couldn’t see the very reason that lie beneath what could be mistaken by ego and selfishness but most people didn’t know the real Brian.
They simply didn’t know him as Nick did.
Most people didn’t know about those black days, about all those moments when Nick had been the one to fight and force Brian on his feet; most people didn’t know about that fear that now nested within his heart, coming alive anytime Brian wouldn’t answer to his phone or would have that hollow and haunted light darkening his eyes. Most people just wanted to find any mistakes, any faults in something they didn’t know anything about, just like they had done when Nick had been the messed one. And even though Brian had always appeared not to care, not to give a damn about what most people thought about him and the way he decided to live his life, most people didn’t know that some words, some judgments, hurt Brian more than he would ever admit: his flaws were out in the open, his imperfections were up front and he couldn’t do anything to change them, to mask them and make them look like just ghosts, flickering candles that the wind couldn’t shake and burn out. Most people didn’t know that Brian’s ego, if this is what they wanted to call it, was the mere reason he was still standing tall, singing and making people happy even if it took strengths and energies Brian didn’t have anymore.
Most people didn’t know but Nick knew and his admiration, combined and mixed with a furious frustration, had gone to the roof in those last years.
“God… - The exclamation was rounded inside that Southern accent that always managed to melt Nick’s resistances and heart. Nick managed to hold his phone between shoulder and neck as he gathered the only bag he had brought and hurried outside the airport, desperate and impatient to find a taxi to reach Brian’s house as soon as possible. - … I didn’t want to go all sappy and emo on you. But I guess that’s the price you have to pay when you make a call in the middle of a panic attack, right? I’m okay, Nick. I know what you are thinking, I know that your first instinct is to take the first flight and come to me but… don’t do it, okay? Stay where you are, feel free to call me back and insult me for making you worry for awhile.
But don’t come, okay?
Keep doing your things because… because I don’t wanna be that kind of person, I don’t wanna be this needy soul that goes crazy if you aren’t here with me. I’ve been through so many others attacks and I know how to deal with them and… I guess I don’t wanna you to see me in those conditions. It’s bad enough that you are listening, and more than once, this call. It’s bad enough that you now know how much I’ve become dependent of you.
Just stay where you are. Please. Do me this favor. It’s only a bad day. It’s gonna get better. I’m gonna be better tomorrow. So stay where you are and just know that… no matter what, you’re the main reason why I keep doing this, why I keep picking myself up after every storm, small or big.
Just know that I will always need you, even if I don’t say it enough.”
Finally.
Finally the taxi pulled a stop in front of Brian’s gate and Nick was quickly to pay the ride and retrieve those keys that looked and weighted as if they could open heaven’s doors. He was there and felt relieved about it but, at the same time, a hint of fear and anxiety spiked through his veins with images and echoes of the past.
What was he going to find behind that door?
Night had started to fall down, coloring the sky with shades of pink, violet and blue with strokes that seemed to be part of an infinite painting. Nights had always been the hardest times, no matter how fast or quick Nick had always tried to be. He knew the reason too well because he had been there, waking up from his bout of depression and realized that things hadn’t been that bad as he had thought. Nick already knew what was going to find, an embarrassed Brian that would do everything to cancel his tears and scolding him for coming and leaving his job half done.
It was going to be another fight, Nick already knew it. And, yet, he wouldn’t want it another way because as long as Brian was willing to fight him, it meant that he was willing to keep going. It meant, in a strange and contorted way, that he considered Nick an equal and not a kid anymore.
A partner. And that was all Nick had ever wanted, dreamed and hoped for himself.
And that was who he was finally. Brian’s partner.
And, with that last thought, Nick opened the door and let himself through another batterfield.
*********
“You came.” Brian simply stated, observing Nick as if he couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing.
Nick couldn’t help the smile that had appeared on his face as soon as his eyes had found and landed upon the older and smaller man: it was a natural reaction, it was just the immediate response of his soul and heart whenever he saw those eyes and that face. And the smile stayed on when Nick got a close up to those eyes that, thankfully, didn’t have that hollow and blank stare that had inhibited the blue not so long ago; his shoulders sagged with relief, for his mind had been filled with all kinds of thoughts and worries since the first time he had heard that message recorded on his phone. It wasn’t just Brian the one to blame because a major part had been played by Nick’s own character, by that fear of losing that person he loved the most, the only one who loved him more than everyone and everything else in the world. He couldn’t not come, he just couldn’t. He had promised himself that he would never make that mistake again, especially when it came down to Brian: it would be so easy for the other man to slip away from his grasp so quietly and silently; disappearing from his life as if he had never been part of it, as if he hadn’t changed him and everything around him.
“Of course. - Nick replied as he sat down next to him on the cold floor pavement, tilting his head on one side and smiling, that warm smile that always managed to get through Brian’s cold walls and melted them. - You needed me.”
“But I told you not to. - Brian’s objection didn’t come out as strong as he would have wanted, for a part of him was so relieved and happy not be alone anymore with his thoughts. As if Nick had been a sweet and powerful breath of new air, those gray and storming clouds had been chased away by his presence and his mind was now perfectly clear, perhaps a little bit embarrassed for having made such a fuss and scene for something so small and so easy to defeat. - I… you didn’t have to come all the way just because I wanted to throw a pity party.” An embarrassed light shone a brief second
Nick ignored those last words, though a snarky reply was already on its tiptoes, ready to jump as if Nick’s tongue was a simple and plain trampoline. “When have I ever done what people told me to do?”
A wet laugh escaped Brian’s dried lips, a hand went to his eyes and shook away all the traces of tears that had been shared in the darkness. “That’s true. You never listen to me, young boy.” He joked, mocking the tone of an old man.
“What can I say? I love being the rebel. - Nick replied, lowering his face so he could leave a butterfly kiss on the other man’s temple. - And you love it too.” The last sentence managed to make Brian’s smile a little, lips curving and a new light shining through the mist of tears and pain. How had Nick longed to be able to do that, make all the worries and pain disappear because that serious and lost look couldn’t belong to someone like Brian, someone that had always shone brighter than everyone else.
Brian’s hand moved and found Nick’s, fingers caressing each others before interlacing one with its twin and soulmate. “Though you shouldn’t have, I’m glad that you’re here.” His tone grew softer with each word, sensing what was the real reason behind that amazing and so touching gesture.
Nick’s stare softened too, his face lowering a little so that his lips could brush the skin of Brian’s hands. “As I said before, you needed me. I couldn’t not come back. I couldn’t let you be all alone. - Fingertips started to draw a line on the skin of the hands, sending a message that only nerves and soul could comprehend and translate for the mind. - I know you’re still blaming and, somehow, punishing yourself because you hadn’t been there when I needed you the most. But I’m not perfect either, I’ve made my mistakes too and I have looked the other way when you were the one needed a hand or someone.” A shadow obscured Nick’s blue eyes, a regret and a mistake he still couldn’t let go: he had been younger, he had been way more stupid and naive than the present, but he couldn’t still shake away how things could have been different if he had been a better friend.
Brian’s fingers stopped, just for a moment, Nick’s web of work. “You’re here now. There’s no need to bring up the past. Not now. Not ever again.”
“Exactly. - Nick affirmed, taking that tangle of hands and kissing the other man’s knuckles. - So you shouldn’t be so surprised by that.”
Brian’s body seemed to move as if it had a mind of its own and just wanted to curl itself inside and against Nick’s body, the only place where tension and stress couldn’t follow him anymore. He basically sagged against that pile of bones and muscles, a bag of love and support that Brian had always been attracted to but kinda scared and afraid to reach and take, as if it could disappear and mock him for being so vulnerable and in need of help. It had always been hard, for Brian, to show the cracks of an armor that had always been so perfect and so held together, a shield that had always wanted to protect and not being protected. Especially in front of Nick. Especially because a part of him was still afraid that it wasn’t going to be comforted, as if it wasn’t worth that amount of love and never allowed to break down and being that desperate. Especially because, in the back of his mind, there was this small voice that wanted to fill his soul with doubts and uncertainty, reminding him how many times his voice had cried for help and no one, and Nick, didn’t even cared to hear him.
Yet, a flickering light of hope glimmered inside Brian’s eyes and melt a piece of ice inside his heart: it was all still too raw, too complicated, a messy web of years and years of holding on and hiding between layers and layers of masks and lies, pretending to be someone, to appear as someone just so that no one, not even the one Brian had given his heart to, could wonder if something was wrong. Yet, that thickness was finally crumbling down, battled and won over by a boy who had become a man, with broad and strong shoulders that could hold the weight from time to time while Brian took his time to breath, letting go of worries and just focusing on getting better and staying away from those monsters that still haunted and wanted to steal the sun and the light.
“What happened?” Nick’s voice broke the silence, though it had been just a whisper for the man had begun to wonder if Brian had been able to fall asleep and he didn’t want to wake him up: usually those attacks came after days and days of not being able to shut down the mind
Yet he wanted to know what really happened, just so that he could calm his nerves down and be sure that the worst was still behind their shoulders, just an echo of the past. Nick wanted to know, just as he had needed to know every little and small detail about those times where he hadn’t been by Brian’s side, all those bad days he had only been able to observe but never allowed to wash away with rain of love and wind of caresses.
Brian was still awake, his body and soul too wired up to even think about coming down and let go, let themselves being captured by the web of sleep and darkness; heavy lids still couldn’t find the strength necessary to stay closed, too much anxiety was still floating inside Brian’s veins and those two words that kept going around and around in circles. Such a normal and easy question to answer and, yet, there were so many others implied in those words. The biggest one was a cloud looming above them, its surface hiding a fear that was too big and frightening to speak out loud. Images and echoes started to take shape inside both minds, bringing both back to a time where their love wasn’t there yet, a time where they still tried to hide behind the alibi of wanting to save that friendship, declared lost so many times that no one of them wanted to risk another time.
Nick still could remember the phone call, something so close to the one that had pushed him to fly through the country just to be sure that they weren’t the same; Brian still was haunted by voices and demons that had been so close to win the battle between them back then, that dark void where all his strengths and energies had seemed to have disappeared, along with the motivation and will to go on and keep trying to act as if everything had never changed. Nick could and would never been able to forget the fear that had taken a hold of his soul, invisible claws that had used his heart as a battlefield and the constant thought that he had to try every weapon he had to save the older man from his own shadow and mind. Brian would never be able to forget the desperation he had heard in Nick’s tone, that voice that, ultimately, had won over his resistances and let the younger inside his mess and accept his love. Such an amazing gift they had received that day, born from the ashes of disappointment and misunderstandings that had kept them apart for years, both of them wondering if their feelings could be returned but too scared to actually pick up their clothes of courage and let the other know about them. Yet, both Brian and Nick didn’t like to go back to those hours, kicking them in the farthest corner of their minds and talking about them only through hints and questions implied.
Just like in that moment.
Brian lowered his head for a blink of second, trying to fight that natural instinct of saying nothing more than a little lie, words that would bring comfort to the worry eye focused on him, for it was still strange to be the centre of Nick’s concern instead of the other way around. He bit down on his lips, blocking the lie and waiting a second before releasing a sigh, puffs of air saturated of relief and something close to frustration.
“Today hasn’t been good. - It was a start. It was just the beginning of his tale. But it was the truth. His throat contracted in a painful squeeze, suddenly reminding why Nick had found him curled up against the bathroom’s wall. - It has been one of the bad days.”
“How bad?” Nick asked, already knowing that he had to press and push the older man because it would be so easy, for Brian, to overlook what had really happened and supplied a white lie. Something so small, not even half of the things that were wrapped so tightly around Brian’s soul, but just the right amount so that Nick wouldn’t worry. But it was impossible, for Nick, not to worry when it came to Brian: not just for everything that the older man, his best friend and lover, had to go through in his life and that had left a scar in both minds and souls; it was that love, that affection and that bond that they had always shared and that now were pulsating and vibrating with so much intensity and force: if he knew, if Nick knew the truth, he could be able to help his other half. Or, at least, he could try to wipe away those memories and put so much love and faith that Brian had to believe that things were going to be better.
“It wasn’t… I guess I can say that there have been so many days even worse than this. But… - Brian shook his head, wanting so badly to erase all the images and echoes of feelings he had tried so hard to shut down. But they were too strong, much stronger than him because they always seemed to catch him when he had no energies left. - … I thought they were over. I thought I was past waking up with no voice at all.”
Nick didn’t know what to say, probably because there had never been right words for those moments. Brian had never wanted to be pitied, though pity had never been part of those comforting words; Brian had never wanted to be coddled, hushed as if it was something that it was going away with just a little rest and taking better care of himself. Words had never worked with Brian in those moments so Nick didn’t use them, choosing that language he had always been better in: a squeeze and another hug. Another kiss through hairs and a soft “I love you” that didn’t need to be said out loud.
“I guess I panicked. I’m still scared, shit. What if it happens during a show?” Brian added, closing his eyes because he didn’t want Nick to see that light, that tremor that was still lingering through his veins and nerves.
“We’ll work it through. Remember, you already made a plan for a case like that.”
Brian sighed, too tired to even discuss how he had hated doing that, how it had made him physically sick thinking that there would be a day where the group had to go on without him. Those were the things that no one ever dared to think about, all those small things that got affected by his condition: nothing was ever going to go back to what it used to be and, during those black days, it was so hard to accept it. It was almost impossible, for Brian’s fighting spirit, that he had to settle for what it was.
It could be worse, of course.
But it had to be better. It had to get better, no matter how many times he would have to sit curled up in a bathroom with Nick telling him that it was okay to feel like that. A part of Brian’s mind knew that, how many times did his therapist remind him that it was okay not to be okay and let someone else deal with the world, or deal with his duties and role? And while he was starting to accept this, he still made him feel weak and vulnerable, he still made him feel useless and powerless.
“You’re okay. You just overworked yourself as usual. Tomorrow is gonna be better. Tomorrow you’re gonna be okay once again.”
Not alright. Not fully and completely healed.
But okay. And that was what mattered for Nick in that moment. Brian was okay, Brian had called him and, somehow, he had managed to help and made him feel better.
Brian placed his head on Nick’s shoulder as the other wrapped an arm around his shoulder and brought him closer. “Of course I will. - Brian’s reply ended in a sigh full of relief and a first hint of happiness. - You’re here with me.”
Nick's lips left a kiss on Brian’s top of the head, smiling as he smelled the scent of his perfume that brought back so many memories from the past, when roles had been reversed and it had been him the one receiving comfort and support. “Is it still a bad day?”
Brian chuckled softly, a small laugh that Nick felt resonating through his chest and ribcage. Suddenly all the exhaustion and stress from the day’s event fell on Brian’s body and mind as if they were a pile of bricks and stones; he closed his eyes, letting Nick’s heartbeat lullaby him into sleep. “Not anymore.” He murmured in a low voice, kissing Nick’s neck before finally allowing his mind to shut down.
Because Nick was there and he didn’t need to hold on anymore. Because Nick was there and light was starting to make its way through the darkness.
And the day after was already shaping to be one of the good ones.