Chapter Text
There were a few things youjin knew for sure. One of them was that every member of knk had their own bed. Another was that every member was aware of his hatred of skinship. Assuming the first two were true, he couldn't figure out was why one of his members had woken him up by lifting the blankets and causing the bed to dip before crawling into bed behind him.
Was seungjun looking to get something from him by annoying him with his cute antics? was jihun asking for back scratches after getting kicked out of seungjun’s room? Or was it inseong just coming to annoy him?
When a pair of arms encircled his waist and he felt a head rest against his back he knew it was heejun. Although all the members loved to tease youjin by hugging and kissing him on camera heejun was the only one that persisted off camera too.
He tried pulling away but there wasn't enough room in the bed for him to break heejun’s grip. So instead he said “go away heejun-ah” in a sleepy voice. But heejun just made a whining sound and didn't move. So he said “What” and when the maknae didn't respond he continued “heejun either tell me what it is or get out, we have a schedule tomorrow”
It was silent for another beat and just when youjin started to sigh heejun said “hyung”
“Yeah?”
“Do you really think I'm gross?”
“What??”
“When we hug you and stuff you always say it's gross”
Youjin remembers the interview earlier that day where they'd asked why he didn't like the members touching him and he'd said “it’s just gross.” It wasn't the first time he'd said it, but this time the interviewer had pursued it and asked if he found touching the fans disgusting which threw him into a panic, where he vehemently denied it saying it was only gross when his members did it, and with that the interview moved on and youjin could breathe a sigh of relief at having avoided the situation.
“I- I don't think you guys are gross, it's just… uncomfortable” youjin didn't know himself what made it so uncomfortable for him so he couldn't properly put it into words, but even now it felt stifling, his face felt hot, it was hard to breath and his heart was beating harder than usual, he couldn't concentrate on anything with heejun wrapped around him like that.
“Am I making you uncomfortable right now?” Heejun asked.
“Yeah” honestly it was impossible to focus when he could feel heejun’s breath on the back of his neck, and that was the best he could come up with at the moment, he couldn't concentrate enough to be tactful.
“Sorry” heejun said pulling his arms back like he'd been burned. Youjin felt a flash of guilt but he could finally breath again, although he also felt the loss of warmth and… something else, as he felt heejun turn over on his back.
Heejun spoke again “It's just, in other groups the older members are always showering the maknae with affection even when they reject it, and…” heejun sniffed and youjin wasn't sure if it was just a stuffed nose or something else. “I guess I'm just tired. Sorry for bothering you hyung.”
Youjin was still trying to process the younger’s words and before he could say it was alright and that heejun wasn't bothering him (and that he loves him more than any other group could ever love their maknaes) he felt the bed shift again and heard heejun slipping out. Youjin was left feeling guilty without quite knowing why, he decided to have a talk with heejun in the morning.
___
But the next day there was no chance for a sensitive discussion, they had an early schedule and had to rush out first thing in the morning. Then all day there never seemed to a chance to be alone with heejun. He seemed full of energy as usual though so maybe youjin had worried for nothing but something still bothered him. Heejun’s busyness was almost too perfect he was either joking around with jihun and seungjun or jumping around and screaming with inseong but his smile didn't reach his eyes and his laugh sounded off. Youjin was quiet and rarely initiated conversations but he tried to catch heejun's eye wanting to ask if he was alright but heejun never looked his way.
During their broadcast that day heejun hugged youjin like he often did, but it wasn't the death grip he usually put youjin in, this was clearly just for show. Youjin realized with a jolt that that was the first contact he’d had all day seeing as heejun hadn't been bothering him as usual. It was over before he could even begin to react to it though and then they wrapped up their broadcast and headed back to the dorm.
In the car youjin gathered up his courage and turned to heejun “hey are you ok?” Heejun looked at him with his wide eyes that the older boy had always thought were a little too pretty “yeah Hyung, why wouldn't I be?” Youjin was going to press the issue but the maknae was already turning away to look out the window and putting his headphones on.
Back home everyone took turns showering and then some of them settled down to watch a movie before bed. On his way out of the bathroom youjin couldn't help noticing heejun snuggled up against inseong on the couch. Inseong had his arms around heejun and was gently carding his fingers through heejun’s damp hair. Youjin frowned, were they always this close? Just then inseong noticed him standing there seemingly frozen “Hyung do you want to watch with us? It's just starting.” Heejun didn't look away from the tv. “Uh no thanks I'm just gonna head to bed.” And he turned and went to his room trying to figure out if heejun had actually been avoiding him all day or if it was just coincidence.
Over the next few days it became clear that heejun, although not exactly avoiding him, had pretty much stopped all unnecessary contact. He acted like usual on camera in interviews and on stage but outside of that he hardly looked at youjin at all and only spoke to him when the youjin asked him a question.
It made youjin realize just how much attention the maknae had been showering him with before, especially as it seemed heejun had shifted all that attention onto inseong who always responded enthusiastically to him.
_
Later in the practice room watching heejun backhug inseong (for no apparent reason) while inseong fondly patted heejun's hands youjin felt that same suffocating feeling which made him avoid skinship in the first place, he felt too hot and his heart beat was too fast, he felt out of breath, and so he quickly left the room. Heading to the bathroom, he splashed water on his face trying to calm down.
He heard the door open and turned to see jihun entering, but instead of using the washroom he leaned against the sink, looking nervous and stealing glances at youjin, almost but not quite able to make eye contact.
Youjin recognized the look on his face. It was the one where he felt he had be leaderly but wasn't sure how. He didn't envy jihun’s position of being in the maknae line as well as the leader, he knew it was hard on him especially when dealing with youjin. That's why youjin always did his best to be diligent and not cause any trouble so jihun would never be placed in the awkward position of scolding his hyung.
They'd offered the leader position to youjin first as the eldest is usually the default choice, but he had declined knowing that his communication skills weren't up for the job. They automatically passed over seungjun and inseong for obvious reasons (they had the mental ages of elementary and middle schoolers) from there it just slipped onto jihun’s shoulders, a natural people person who got along easily with anyone.
“Hey, uh… are you… Ok?” What?
“What?” Youjin said “yeah– no– why wouldn't I be?”
“Oh I don't know” jihun looked scratched at the back of his head “you just seemed a bit off yesterday and today, I thought maybe something happened…” as an afterthought it seemed, he added “you know you can always talk to me about your problems.”
“Yeah, yeah I know thanks jihun-ah.” Youjin smiled up at him “but actually I'm more worried about heejun, don't you think he's been acting strange recently?” If youjin had been off it was because he was worried about heejun. “No? he seems fine to me, what makes you think something's wrong with him?”
“Haven't you noticed he hasn't– won't–” youjin can feel his ears beginning to burn and knows it's only a matter of time before his whole face is red but he's come too far now “he hasn't tried to hug me at all in the past two days.” Jihun looked non plussed “isn't that something you'd be happy about? you hate it when he touches you.”
“I– no, it's not like I hate it, it's just–” but jihun is just looking at him with a disbelieving expression “come on hyung you make it pretty clear how much you hate it every time he gets near you, you do it with all of us” he says shrugging.
“It's never stopped him before…” Youjin can't explain how it's different when the other members do it since it's obvious they're just trying to annoy him, he can't explain how it becomes more urgent that he get away the longer heejun's hands are on him before... before something. He's not sure what. He can't explain it to jihun because he doesn't understand it himself.
Jihun took pity on him and patted him on the shoulder “if it's really bothering you I can ask him about it ok?” Youjin sighed in relief. Yeah jihun would talk to him about it he was good at that, he would fix it, whatever “it” was.
“Hey… I really do care about him– about all of you, you know that right?” Jihun's face broke into a smile “aw hyung of course we know that!” And before he knew it jihun was wrapping him in a hug, bending his knees to pretend he was shorter and resting his head on youjin’s shoulder. He groaned and tried to extricate himself but jihun clung onto him all the way back to the practice room.
Everyone turned to look when they noisily made their way back into the practice, but youjin caught heejun hastily looking away again after glimpsing jihun attached to his back like a koala, and youjin hurriedly shooed him off, feeling his face heat up once again.
_
After practice youjin was itching to ask jihun what happened when he’d seen him pulling heejun aside on a break earlier. And before they got to the car he held the leader back “Did you ask him? What did he say? Is something wrong? Is he mad at me? Did I did something wrong???” Jihun held his hands up stepping back “woah slow down.”
“sorry sorry, but did he tell you anything?” Jihun’s hand went to the back of his head, a nervous gesture “yeah he told me.” youjin was relieved that he was finally going to get some answers but he also couldn't help the sting he felt at the fact that heejun hadn't told him when he’d asked. And to add insult to injury jihun continued “but he asked me not to tell anyone else” then he patted him on the shoulder and turned to walk towards the car, leaving youjin feeling more miserable than ever.
When he gets to the car, he sees either by luck or jihun’s doing, the only free seat is in the back beside heejun. However heejun already has his headphones on and is looking out the window. Youjin takes his seat and thinks about what he could say. He's desperately curious and a little bit hurt at being shut out, but has no idea how to approach the younger boy. He realized he'd never had to, heejun always approached him first, always started the conversations
He tries several times to reach out and touch heejun, his hand hovering over the maknae’s shoulder, thigh, soft hair, callused hand fidgeting in his lap, but each time he just pulls back with a sigh, feeling lost and unable to bridge the gap.
___
That night when heejun headed in for an early night youjin followed him into his room and sat on the edge of the bed right behind him.Not too long ago if youjin had done something like this he was sure the maknae would have turned immediately to cling onto youjin and start asking him to cuddle. But now all he got was “I thought we all had our own beds.” in a measured voice.
He sighed “We do and I'll go to mine soon but I just want to kno–- are you… sure you're alright?”
“I know you don't really care but yes I'm fine hyung, just a bit tired right now, ok?” heejun was still facing away and his voice was slightly muffled but it was a clear dismissal.
He gaped, it felt like he'd been doused in icy water “you– how could– I– of course I care!” Youjin was two seconds away from cursing in surprise. “Ok sure, whatever you say hyung, can I just sleep now?” And then youjin did curse, internally, at his inability to express himself with more ease.
He was starting to get annoyed, why was heejun being like this? And why did he have to be so bad with words, why had he let it get to the point where heejun felt he couldn't tell him things?? And he accidentally let some of that annoyance, which was mostly directed at himself, slip into his voice when he replied. “Ok fine, don't tell me, sorry I asked. I was just trying to be nice!”
“Yeah, well I don't need you to be nice to me.” At this youjin opened the door to leave, but not before he caught a muttered “I have the other hyungs for that” it was so quiet he couldn't even be sure that he'd heard right but that didn't stop his chest from constricting painfully.
After leaving the room youjin collapsed on the sofa with a groan. He knew he should sleep or he’d be dead tomorrow but his mind wouldn't stop spinning. He couldn't stop worrying about heejun who was clearly not himself. But no one else seemed bothered by it, and he couldn't understand why heejun wouldn't open up to him. These thoughts caused him to lie there unable to move feeling eaten up with worry.
A few moments later inseong walked by the couch where youjin was lying face down. “What's the matter with you?” To which the only reply was a groan. “Hey for real, are you ok? Are you feeling sick or something?” Youjin turned around to face him and asked “why does everyone keep asking that?”
“Um maybe because you've been moping around for the past couple days and now you're lying face down on our couch in the middle of the night and groaning.” Inseong stated with a hint of exasperation.
Youjin sat up properly with a sigh “it's not me, I'm just worried about heejun.” at the mention of the maknae youjin saw something change in inseong’s eyes “heejun? And why’s that?” His tone was a bit too careful and youjin had the feeling he was hiding something from him, had heejun confided in everyone except him?
Annoyance flared in him again as he thought about how clingy inseong and heejun had been the past few days.
“I don't know, maybe you should tell me since you two have been joined at the hip recently.” Inseong’s eyes narrowed and his face turned dark at that “really? well I think he's doing just fine. Are you sure you're not just missing the attention? Feeling the loss now that he's not falling over himself to impress you? Because that kid gave you constant and unconditional love while barely even getting a glance in return. I think he deserves someone who doesn't take him for granted and doesn't make him feel like shit!”
Youjin sat there in stunned silence, his mouth was probably hanging open, but he couldn't gather himself enough to close it as he stared at Inseong who was breathing hard after his little rant. His mind was spinning and once again before he could think of anything to say, inseong turned around and left.
this was starting to happen too often.