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The first time Even tells Isak that he slept with someone else, Isak is devastated. But he loves him so, so much, so he forgives Even the first time.
Then the second.
Then the third.
Isak tells himself it’s because he’s bipolar, because he is overwhelmed with his own thoughts and feelings. Isak tells himself it’s because he was manic. Of course it’s bullshit. Being bipolar doesn’t make you an asshole. And Isak made sure Even took his meds.
When Even opens the door at 3 am and stumbles over his own feet, Isak knows what he did. His hair is a mess and his lips are red and swollen. Even sits down in Isaks bed. „Where were you?“ Isak asks with a shaking voice. „Isak“, tears form in Evens eyes, „i…i…cheated on you.“ and Isak explodes.
„Fuck you for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fuck you. This isn’t about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned!“
Even looks at Isak. His eyes are red and swollen, tears running down his face. He wants to touch Isak, but the younger boy scoots back, away from the longing hand making grabby movements.
„Why, Even? why did you cheat on me four times?“ Even sighs and hugs himself. He looks so lost and broken that Isak is almost tempted to kiss him, but he doesn’t. Instead, Isak grabs a pillow. „I always knew there was no one who is going to accept my flaws and understand my brokenness. And i knew it very well that nobody would hold my hand when the winds of darkness overcome my life so i just pushed them, i pushed them all away. Including you.“ he looks up at Isak. „I’m afraid of loving you too deeply. I’m afraid of a relationship. So i just went on to something that seemed easier than committing myself completely to one person. „I should have known. You used me to cheat on Sonja. I was always there for you, no matter how bad it got. Why wasn't i enough?“ Isak growls.
The younger boy crosses his arms and takes a deep breath in. „The moral of the story couldn’t be clearer: you already know if your partner is fucking around behind your back, you just need to decide if you’re done being a doormat. You need to wake up one morning and decide that those rose-colored glasses are so last fucking season.“ Even sobs at his words. „And i’m done, Even. I never want to see you again.“ „Isak, please…“ „I spoke to Jonas an hour ago. Guess what i said? ( I do. I still love him so much. And I feel so worthless because he doesn’t love me anymore. ) Hear that Even? you make me feel worthless. And i can’t…“
Isak hids his face behind his hands and breaks down. „Isak, i love you“, whispers Even, so fondly that Isak almost falls for it. He looks up, emotionless. „I hate you, Even.“
That was two months ago and the last time Isak had seen Even Bech Naesheim. It hurt, still did, but Isak was hoping.
Little by little, the ache to see Even, to hear him would disappear. Little by little he’d forget how his arms felt, how his fingers felt, how his lips felt..the sound of his voice, the intensity of his gaze, all of it. Trace by trace it would slip from Isaks mind, recede into foggy memory. The painful haze that dulled his present would melt into the past. Maybe not all the way, maybe there would be a few scars. Maybe he'd be different, but Isak would be himself again. Little by little.