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Yoongi doesn’t like clubs too much. No matter how big they are they always feel cramped with too many people, too much noise. The music is so loud that the air in stuffy room seems to be vibrating to the rhythm of the pulsing bass. Yoongi finishes his drink, some weird blue thing Hoseok bought him, and realises he doesn’t mind that much. He slides down on a leather couch and his cheeks start to feel warm. Somehow everything around him becomes a little bit less real.
He looks around the dance floor and catches a flash of a smile, so bright it couldn’t belong to anyone else but Hoseok. He already looks too happy, even for himself. Yoongi makes a mental note to drag him out of this place before he ends up with a lifeless body instead of a friend.
When Hoseok comes back, breathless and with his bangs lifted up off his forehead, he is not alone anymore.
“Look who’s here!” Hoseok makes sure his voice is loud enough to be heard through the music. “Remember Taehyung? I mentioned him to you a few times.”
Brown hair, nice eyes, handsome face. Yeah, Yoongi recalls hearing about some Taehyung guy, Hoseok’s university friend. He nods his head as a way to say hello and it seems to be enough because Taehyung returns it with a smile. They start a conversation Yoongi isn’t exactly interested to be a part of. The only thing he hears is that someone else is going to join them soon.
Yoongi doesn’t know why his lips are the first thing he notices. He blames the alcohol making him dizzy and stupid. Or stranger’s face that’s so much he doesn’t even know where to look at. In any case, lips are the first thing he focuses on, when Taehyung’s friend shows up next to their table. He sees how they move when he speaks even though words alone don’t seem to reach Yoongi. He smiles, Yoongi realizes, and it’s a nice smile despite its timidness. His voice is lower than Yoongi expected. He leans in closer to make sure Yoongi hears his name. Jungkook. A pretty name.
Jungkook, a stranger with starry eyes and bunny teeth. Jungkook with black, messy hair and pierced ears. Jungkook in too loose shirt and with cute laughter. Jungkook with his shyness gone as soon as his feet touch the dance floor. With body that moves with such a fluidity, Yoongi can’t take his eyes off him. Full of confidence, smugness and whole annoying attractiveness of it.
Yoongi takes in as much as he can. The way he breathes through parted lips with his chest heaving. Sweat on his neck glistening in red light. Hand moving to push back his hair. Heavy-lidded from alcohol but still attentive eyes. And a smile, lazy and sweet, slowly spreading across his face.
It starts out simply.
***
Something, an accident or fate, decides to let them meet again. Jungkook and Yoongi find common language pretty quickly. Helping Jungkook with his music project is easy. He is smart and quick to learn new things so Yoongi is not complaining. Being with Jungkook is fun and Yoongi hopes he thinks the same about him.
They circle around each other, both knowing what they want but neither of them ready to admit it. It’s a time of conversations about everything and nothing at all. Counting hours to next meeting and stolen gazes at each other faces. Pinkies brushing as they sit next to each other in library. Too fast heartbeat when one of them gets a little bit too close.
It’s too many longing looks when they say “bye” to each other. Hoping for something that neither of them has the courage to do.
***
Yoongi didn’t expect to ever get excited by phone buzzing in his pocket. But it’s exactly what happens everytime he gets new message.
“I swear, if you don’t ask him out, I will.” Hoseok says, looking at Yoongi. “And I will make sure to be embarrassing about it. Tell him how you smile like an idiot every time you get a text from him.”
Yoongi puts his phone back but doesn’t answer right away. He can still feel his lips curving in a smile behind his scarf. It’s not like he didn’t think of that. He did, more than he wishes to admit.
“I don’t know if he would say yes.”
He hears Hoseok’s sigh. “So you won’t even try?”
Yoongi shrugs. At least he would avoid disappointment that way. It’s not so bad, whatever they have right now. Friendship, let’s call it. It’s good. It could be enough, right? They stand in silence for a long time, before Hoseok speaks again.
“I think he wouldn’t say no.”
***
Jungkook didn’t say no.
After a while Yoongi doesn’t know what was the movie about or what did they order. But he remembers getting stuck on an empty bus stop, disconnected from reality by blizzard. Single street lamp giving enough light to see Jungkook’s face. Snowflake on Jungkook’s eyelashes and his pink from cold air nose.
Coldness of his hands on Yoongi’s cheeks. Lips trembling against his own.
Taste of mint.
***
“You didn’t say anything for a while. Is it that bad?”
Blonde hair, still damp from washing, covers Yoongi’s eyes, making them seem ever darker. In the morning sunlight it looks like it’s glowing and Jungkook can’t take his eyes off it.
“Actually, it’s the opposite.”
Yoongi’s pout disappears and a smug smile takes its place. “I had a feeling you’ll like it.”
Yoongi takes a hint when Jungkook pats an empty spot on a bed next to him. He sits down, his legs crossed, fingers still playing with the ends of his bangs. Jungkook reaches out, runs his hand through Yoongi’s hair, lifts it up off his forehead. Few stray strands find their way between his fingers and go back to their previous place.
“You really can pull off every color, can’t you?”
Corner of Yoongi’s lips rising is the only warning Jungkook gets before he’s pushed back until his back hits the bed. Yoongi twines their fingers together and leans in so close few droplets of water from his hair fall on Jungkook’s face.
“Sure I can.”
***
It’s funny how they could start on the most opposite sides of the room but then always end up next to each other. Pressed side to side on a small couch. It’s not the most comfortable position for watching tv. There’s not enough space and Yoongi’s legs are slowly getting numb. But familiar weight of Jungkook’s body next to him makes it his favorite one.
‘’Next.”
The TV screen changes again, from some drama to variety show. All colorful lights and smiles.
“Next.”
Yoongi skips few channels again, not even paying attention to what he’s looking at. He gets a little bit distracted with Jungkook lips pressed against his neck, soft and warm.
“You are so picky,” Yoongi says, keeping his tone not interested.
“Sure I am.” Jungkook presses a small kiss on Yoongi’s collarbone. He goes up higher, stopping to press kisses on Yoongi’s neck until his lips brush against his earlobe. “I always pick the best things.” He kisses him again, right below jawline. “That’s why I have you.”
Yoongi’s cheeks burn from embarrassment but he laughs until he feels tears in the corners of his eyes. “That was so lame, you know.”
“Yeah? Maybe.”
Jungkook moves, pressing his body against Yoongi to make him lie down. He looks at him, cute little wrinkles showing around his eyes. “Still made you smile though.”
There’s a lot from Jungkook’s personality in the way he kisses. It always starts out a little bit shy like he’s asking for permission. And when he gets it, it builds up to reveal something else. Confidence, as his hand slips under Yoongi’s shirt. Teasing, when his teeth close around Yoongi’s bottom lip. A little bit of dominance in a way his fingers curl in blonde hair and in marks he leaves on pale skin of his neck.
Sometimes Yoongi likes to remind him that he’s not the only one in control. It doesn’t take much for Jungkook to melt under Yoongi’s touch and show him something he usually keeps hidden. Softness, when he sighs as Yoongi’s hands move up the length of his spine. Embarrassment, when Yoongi’s brushes Jungkook’s hair away from his eyes. Sweetness, when he rests forehead against Yoongi’s to catch his breath and laughs.
And loving, loving, loving in the rhythm of the heart pounding in his chest.
***
Yoongi looks at Jungkook who seems so small curled up in a ball on the passenger seat. He hesitates for a moment before touching him and running his hand through Jungkook’s messy hair. He blinks few times before opening his eyes. Enough to know what’s happening but without waking up fully.
“Where are we?”
Yoongi shrugs. “I’m not sure. But you wanted to see the sunrise, right?”
They travelled without any particular destination, played rock-paper-scissors to choose the direction. Stopped on gas stations away from big cities with colorful neon signs, tasteless coffee and bored to death employees. Slept in a car or small motels near the road, with suspicious stains on the walls, rooms filled with musty smell and halls full of cigarettes smoke. Survived bathrooms with cranky shower controls and never enough hot water. Lay in bed tired, talking until their words became to fade from sleepiness. Fell asleep to the sound of each other’s steady breathing.
Sunrise drowns empty beach in it’s warm, golden light, leaving the sky bright blue. Jungkook stays still, hands hidden in his pockets and mouth slightly opened in a silent awe, fully awake now despite 4:45 on the clock. Only when the clouds turn less pink he turns to Yoongi with shiny eyes and smile so bright it could put the sun to shame.
Yoongi watches how his feet drown in wet sand, deeper and deeper with every wave. He listens to seagulls flying above their heads and thinks that maybe it’s not quite what Jungkook wanted for his vacation. It’s just a beach, same as many others, in some boondocks where they don’t even have a place to stay for the night.
“Sorry it’s not enough.”
“You’re here. It’s enough.”
***
“Hey, Jungkook,” Yoongi says, his mouth so close to Jungkook’s ear it tickles. His arms wrap tighter around Jungkook’s waist and his body presses closer against his back. “Move in with me.”
The summer night is warm but Jungkook still shivers. He covers Yoongi’s hands with his own. He feels bones of Yoongi’s wrist under his fingers and then a coldness of silver bracelet. He thought he was completely wrong choosing it as a gift but didn’t see Yoongi without it since the day he got it.
“Okay,” he says and he’s not surprised how easy it was. “But don’t expect me to clean after you.”
***
Yoongi lies on the couch, resting his head on Jungkook’s lap as soon as he’s inside the room. It’s a clear message of “I had a shitty day” and Jungkook doesn’t ask. He will say. Eventually.
It’s hard to get to Yoongi sometimes. He tends to keep things to himself which doesn’t really surprises Jungkook that much. He does the same. Sometimes he wonders why they both insist on keeping quiet instead of just talking.
He looks down on wrinkle between Yoongi’s eyebrows that shows every time he’s upset. He wishes he could do something, make it go away but he isn’t sure how. He doesn’t feel confident with his words and decides to rely on action instead.
He presses his fingers to it and giggles when Yoongi pouts even more. He bends down and it’s an awkward position like this but he manages to press lips on Yoongi’s forehead.
It takes some time and more kisses but wrinkle disappears.
***
Their lives go on and they both fall into daily routine too busy with their jobs to notice that some things start to change. They talk less. Laugh less. Do things together less.
They get past each other even if they live together. Yoongi’s asleep when Jungkook’s awake and the other way around. They try to find time for each other but it doesn’t always work.
Sometimes it feels like they don’t even see each other.
***
Jungkook finds out the he can’t always rely on action alone. It’s getting harder to communicate and he isn’t quite sure how to fix it. They seem to hide things from each other more and more. And neither of them wishes to be the first to talk about it.
It grows and grows until anything can be a reason to fight.
After it’s over there are arms wrapped around the other or kiss pressed to forehead. But never enough words to tell “I’m sorry.”
***
The distance grows so big they can’t see what they used to had.
They don’t talk. Sometimes for a day. Sometimes for a week. Just exchange information if it’s necessary. Simple, short sentences.
“I’m going out. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“I’ll be home late tonight.”
“Don’t wait for me.”
Sometimes Yoongi thinks he prefers to hear “fuck off” and slamming doors than being stuck in this silence.
***
“I’m scared of losing you” neither of them says out loud.
***
Jungkook disappears for few hours. Sometimes for a day. Yoongi wakes up alone and then falls asleep in empty bed that only smells like Jungkook, too tired to wait up for him.
They both know where this is going and it’s not like they don’t try to stop it. They do, but it never seems to work for longer than a week. It gets better and then everything breaks again.
They try to put their lives back together but it’s like trying to solve puzzles. With time and patience it should work out eventually. The only problem is that they both seem to have pieces from different boxes.
***
[01:02] we’re over right?
[01:03] yeah. i think we are
Jungkook’s phone breaks into three parts when he throws it against the wall.
***
It doesn’t take too long to make the apartment look like he didn’t even live there.
They don’t talk much when Jungkook shows up for the rest of his things. He comes in with simple “hi” said more towards the floor than Yoongi and makes sure to keep his eyes away from him most of the time.
Hearing Jungkook walking around their bedroom was always nice to Yoongi. There was something comforting about the sound of opening cabinets and drawers and footsteps on wooden floor. It reminded him that he’s not alone, that Jungkook is right there, occupied with something. Right now he wishes he would not hear anything at all.
“Are you sure you took everything?” Yoongi manages to ask somehow even though his mouth feels so dry he can barely stand it.
“I’m sure. Sorry for bothering you.” Jungkook searches his pockets until Yoongi hears silent clink of metal. “Here.”
Yoongi takes the keys from him. He doesn’t have the chance to say whatever he thinks should be said because Jungkook is already walking towards the door.
Standing in the entrance Jungkook looks at him for the first time that day. He’s not angry or sad. If the blank look on his face is anything at all, it’s tired.
He looks at Yoongi for few second like he’s searching for something. Then looks down and nods, almost like he’s giving himself courage to leave. His smile is just lips pressed in thin line.
Neither of them says goodbye before Jungkook turns and walks away.
***
First night after he’s gone Yoongi sleeps on the couch too afraid to smell Jungkook on his sheets. He throws the bedding into the washing machine the next day.
***
Yoongi has never thought his apartment was a lot. Just two cramped rooms with too many things and not enough space. But now it feels empty like never before. Absence isn’t supposed to feel like a physical thing, is it?
He hears doorbell and wonders why does Jungkook bother to ring when he has his own keys. Few seconds pass. Answer clicks.
It’s Hoseok with his too polite smile and worried eyes. He’s quiet like he is too afraid to say something wrong. Yoongi feels irritation creeping in his gut.
“I don’t really have anything to eat, sorry. I should go shopping soon or something.” Yoongi rambles to the point he doesn’t even know what is he talking about anymore. But he’s talking, right? Filling in this fucking silence around them. He’s trying. “But we, I mean, I still have some coffee left. I can make you if you want.”
He’s about to go to the kitchen when he feels Hoseok’s hand on his wrist. “Yoongi, you don’t have to.”
“Don’t have to what?” He snorts. “Make you coffee? “
Pretend like nothing happened. Yoongi knows the answer well enough. He tries to pull his hand away but Hoseok’s doesn’t let go.
“Let me go, asshole.”
“I won’t until you talk with me.”
“Talk about what?!”
His voice is louder than he intended it to be. The look in Hoseok’s eyes and way he lets go of his hand make Yoongi feel even worse. He shouldn’t come here in the first place. Yoongi takes a deep, shaky breath. “Talk about what, Hoseok?”
He bites his lips so hard it start to hurt but it’s the only way he can stop himself from breaking completely. He doesn’t want to blink, too afraid the tears that gathered in the corners of his eyes will spill. They do anyway, rolling down his cheeks before he wipes them quickly.
Something in his throat is burning so much he’s unable to speak anymore. He looks away, tired of seeing the same look in his friend’s eyes as he saw in everyone’s else. Worry. Sadness. This fucking pity he doesn’t need.
When Hoseok’s arms wrap around him, he doesn’t hug him back. Just stands there with head resting on his shoulder until one spot on Hoseok’s shirt becomes damp from tears.
***
“Thank you for letting me stay with you. It won’t take long. I just…” Jungkook looks back down on his half unpacked bag. It’s mess of clothes he didn’t have time or patience to fold properly. “I just need to find something cheap I can rent and I’m out of here.” He forces a laugh but knows it sounds pathetic.
“Stop saying that. You can stay as long as you want.” Jimin leaves his place by the doorframe. He spent at least ten minutes there, talking and cracking jokes. Anything to distract Jungkook somehow. “Me and Taehyung are happy to have you here.” He puts both arms around Jungkook in a hug. “You sure you’re okay, Jungkookie?”
Jungkook clenches his teeth together. He pats Jimin’s head in light gesture. “I’m sure.”
Jimin leaves him alone, giving him last worried smile before he leaves the room.
It feels like it has always been like this. Jimin being there for him and Taehyung when they fucked up. Coming to them with his arms opened and shoulder ready to cry on. No matter how hard things got or how angry he was with them. At the end it was always Jimin with his warm embrace and too kind heart.
The inside of Jungkook’s bag is not a lot. Few plain t-shirts, sweatpants and jeans, wrinkled shirts, jackets. Toothbrush he threw there in a rush. He places his clothes in a dresser, filling the drawer Taehyung lent him, not caring for any kind of order. He promises himself not to stay there for long anyway. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s bothering someone. Not anymore.
He finds it on the bottom of the bag, among some crumpled papers and single socks. He must have grabbed it by accident in a hurry. His heart sinks painfully when he feels soft material between his fingers.
Simple white shirt, at least one size too small to fit him. With faint smell of Yoongi’s cologne still on it.
***
Yoongi wanders around the city alone and it’s scary how lonely human can feel at two a.m. in the morning. All the streets he knows, all bars and cafes he’s a customer of, all benches he passes. All of that used to be shared with Jungkook.
And if he’s not with him then what’s the point.
***
Jimin and Taehyung are his best friends, Jungkook knows that. He would never exchange them for anyone else in the world. But they can get a little bit too much with their caring and sometimes Jungkook feels like he has enough. Of everything. Of constant questions if he’s okay. Of that look in their eyes. Of tiptoeing around him too afraid to mention Yoongi’s name by accident.
Of pretending like Yoongi doesn’t exist when he’s the only person he can think about.
***
Single drops roll down between Yoongi’s shoulderblades. He knows they’re going to leave dirty stains on his shirt, the same they left on the tub, but he can’t bring himself to care. Gray water swirls and goes down the drain. He collects the empty package of hair dye and throws it away.
He looks in the mirror. Both, the difference and forgotten familiarity of his black hair catches him off guard. He runs his hand through it, making his fringe fall on his eyes.
There’s no sign of blonde anymore. Almost like it wasn’t even there.
***
Jungkook didn’t know muscles can get this stiff until he touches his aching shoulders. He rubs them for a moment but without any effect. His eyes feel dry from hours spent staring at the computer screen. He allows himself few seconds of break before he goes back to his laptop with resigned sigh. The door behind him open with silent creak.
“Jungkook? It’s almost 4 am. You should sleep.”
Taehyung voice is even deeper now with sleepiness. He looks at him through squinted eyes wearing a shirt so big it reaches almost to his knees.
“I’ll go as soon as I finish this. I promise.”
“You can’t overwork yourself like that, you know?”
“I’m almost finished. Twenty more minutes and I’m in bed.”
Taehyung doesn’t look convinced but he lets it go. Jungkook waits until doors close and he’s alone again. Blank page of document is still in front of him with black cursor blinking at him. He fights the urge to shut his laptop close. Takes a deep breath. Starts typing again.
He can’t sleep anyway and this, at least, keeps his thoughts away.
***
The cafe is busy at this hour, filled with people chatting and laughing here and there. Yoongi catches fritters of conversations as he passes the tables. Some names he doesn’t know. Happy news he’s not a part of. Jokes he doesn’t understand.
He sits down and warms his hands against hot cup. For now, he leaves the talking part for Hoseok who doesn’t seem to be bothered by Yoongi’s silence.
Yoongi knows he’s not there because Hoseok was “just passing nearby” as he says. He’s a good friend but a terrible liar and recently it shows more than ever before. It’s another day of his plan to drag him out of the apartment. Movies, cafes, walks and bars. Anything to occupy Yoongi with something. He watches his friend talk about something he lost a track of few minutes ago. It’s cute how invested he gets every time he tells him something, no matter how trivial it may be. He feels warmth and gratitude he’s not sure how to return to him.
“So anyway, you have to see this movie. Taehyung promised to borrow it to me sometime. We had fun and Jungk-” He stops as if he said something bad and looks at Yoongi with scared eyes.
“It’s fine.” Yoongi’s lips curve into a soft smile despite the weight he feels in his chest. “It’s not like his name is forbidden around me or something.”
The atmosphere gets somewhat stiff. Hoseok changes the topic but Yoongi doesn’t listen anymore.
“How is he?”
He manages to keep his voice monotone, almost bored. As if every cell in his body was not telling him to go and check the answer to his question on his own. Hoseok looks like he’s unsure if he should say something. He stares down at his cup, way too focused on mixing his coffee.
“I know you two got close when we were together, it’s okay. Just tell me.”
Hoseok sighs, putting away the teaspoon. “He’s fine. At least this is what he tells me.” He looks at him with a sad smile. “You know him. He would never say anything else.”
Yoongi understands. No matter what he felt or what he was going through Jungkook has always been fine.
“Jimin and Taehyung take good care of him. It’s just…” Hoseok stops like he was searching for a proper words. He must feel Yoongi questioning look on him because he fidgets nervously in his sit before speaking again.
“He became so quiet without you.”
***
When Jungkook enters the room and sees Seokjin sitting with Jimin and Taehyung he can’t help but feel like going out again. He likes him a lot, always did but sometimes he has the tendency to be painfully direct and honest. Jungkook can’t decide if it’s good for him at this moment.
“Oh, Jungkook!”, he says not looking up from his phone. “Are you still sad over your boyfriend?”
“Hello to you too.”
“Sorry. You won’t hear anything more about this from me. I promise.” He makes a pause to take a sip from his glass. “I still think the same anyway.”
Jungkook remembers what was the last thing he had said about this whole mess. He thinks about it a lot and starts to agree with him more and more.
“I think you’re both idiots. Or just like to hurt yourself for fun, whatever. But it’s obvious you still love him. So maybe it’s good to stop hurting yourself even more.”
***
“Hey, good to see you’re not trying to starve yourself to death anymore. Making progress, I see,” Namjoon says looking at Yoongi from the opposite side of the table.
Yoongi decides not to mention that eating is still one of the least pleasurable things for him. He forces himself to swallow tasteless piece of burger he’s been chewing for the last minute. “Kind of.”
When Namjoon’s done with his fries, Yoongi already knows what he’s going to ask. He always asks that and Yoongi knows he’s doing it because he worries. But that doesn’t change the fact he finds it irritating.
“So? How are you holding up?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“Man, you really suck at the “being convincing” part, you know?”
And there it is. The phrase that makes Yoongi’s blood boil. “You sure you’re fine?” “You don’t look like you’re fine.”
Yoongi feels his fist clench under the table. He counts to ten as he always do to stop himself from yelling “maybe it’s because i’m not okay.”
He wants to be. He wishes his words to friends were true. He wants to be fine, to feel normal again. To stop waking up every morning feeling like something’s missing. He wants this fucking hole in his chest to finally be gone. But he doesn’t know how.
He hears Namjoon sigh. “You still love him, don’t you?”
He does. He knows he does even if he tries not to. He nods.
“Then you either tell him about it or learn how to stop.”
***
Jungkook always knew he didn’t love Yoongi for something. He didn’t love him for his independence or creativity. He didn’t love him for the way he laughed. He didn’t love him for the way he cared about him. He just loved Yoongi. That’s it.
Before they started dating Yoongi used to change his hair color a lot. He tried different things before he settled for blonde and Jungkook loved him in every one of them.
He loved meeting him for the first time and realising that he has never seen someone with mint hair before. He loved how it faded until it became something between grey and blue. He loved him in that ridiculous flaming red he was so embarrassed about he refused to take off his beanie for a week. He loved him in pink that followed right after. And he loved him in blonde. The way his hair looked when his head rested against a pillow. Tickling feeling of it against Jungkook’s skin. The way it moved between his fingers.
And now, when he sees him in front of the same club he saw him years ago, he knows he loves him in black too. Still. Without stopping.
Suddenly, hours he spent convincing himself he’s over him mean nothing. Every minute of trying to forget doesn’t matter anymore because Yoongi’s here, right in front of him. He knows he’s going to break every promise he made to himself but he doesn’t mind.
“Yoongi,” he says more to himself than to him. Like he needs to hear his name to make sure it’s happening.
Whatever Jungkook saw in Yoongi’s eyes, surprise, fear, hope or maybe mix of everything, is gone after few seconds. He collects himself quickly, falling right back to his forced indifference. He takes a sip from his bottle of beer before looking at Jungkook again. “Been awhile, huh?”
There’s so much questions Jungkook wants to ask him. How have you been? Are you doing okay? Do you miss me? Do you still remember me the way I remember you? He keeps all of them to himself though, not because he’s afraid to ask but because he isn’t sure he’s ready to hear the answer. From all of things churning in his head he picks the simple one.
“Did you come here with someone?”
Yoongi shakes his head. “Nah. You?”
Yoongi looks like some weight has been taken off his shoulders when Jungkook denies. He leans against the wall more comfortably and asks
“How are you?”
The question is so simple and yet Jungkook has nothing or maybe too much to tell him. Really, how is he? In any other case he would say “fine.” But now he knows it’s not true. He’s not fine, hasn’t been fine for the past few months.
He can clearly see two paths he can take from that moment. First one is a lie. It’s saying “fine.” Turning around and coming back to his life as he left it that evening. It’s repeating “fine” over and over again to convince himself it’s true. Second one is taking a risk. It’s following a road but not knowing where or how it ends.
Something silver around Yoongi’s wrist shines when he rises hand to finish his beer in a single gulp.
Thing is, Jungkook was never afraid of risk.
“Could we talk somewhere else?”
***
“You realise it’s a twenty minutes walk to my house, right?”
Jungkook does, he still knows the route by heart. But he doesn’t see why that would stop him from walking, holding Yoongi’s hand in his own as he follows him few steps behind.
“Do you have money for a cab or bus tickets?”
There’s a silence before quiet “No…”
“Guess we have no choice then.”
It’s a familiar feeling to hold Yoongi’s hand. He’s one of those people with always cold hands and Jungkook missed making them warmer.
“I’m not so drunk. You don’t have to hold my hand.”
Yoongi’s probably right. He’s many drinks away from being drunk for real. For now it’s just his words, a little bit too close to each other when he speaks. But then Jungkook hears silent curse as Yoongi trips behind him and reflexly holds his hand tighter.
“You sure about that?”
Yoongi’s grip on Jungkook’s hand loosens somewhat but he doesn’t let go.
“Fuck, it’s just… this shitty pavement is so crooked. That’s why.”
“And everything spins around, huh?”
“I’m practically sober.”
“Mhm. Whatever you say.”
God. He missed this. He missed it so damn much it hurts. His own head is spinning even though he didn’t drink anything.
“So,” Jungkook starts, hoping that they can fall into conversation like they used to do. “How are you?”
“I asked you first and still didn’t hear my answer.” There’s no pretense in his voice. It’s soft and quiet, just like Jungkook remembers it.
“I’m asking you now.”
A sigh and then “I’m…” Jungkook waits for “fine” or “okay” but neither of them happens. “I got a new job. In the radio.”
Jungkook feels excitement starting to bloom in his chest. That’s what Yoongi always wanted to do but somehow never got the chance to start. “Really? In which station? I don’t think I’ve heard you anywhere.”
“And you won’t,” Yoongi laughs.“I’m just a broadcast assistant. I don’t present anything on my own.”
“With your voice you’d be perfect for that though.”
Twenty minutes long walk doesn’t seem that much with Yoongi talking. Jungkook doesn’t know if it’s thanks to the alcohol in his system or not. But it feels like it used to do. Maybe a little bit more stiff but it’s better than where they were at the end. It feels easier, smoother somehow.
Yoongi talks about his job and about people he met there. How he is finally doing something he likes. How he’s paid less than in his previous job but he doesn’t mind as long as he can sleep in more human hours.
They reach Yoongi’s apartment building and Jungkook feels overwhelmed. It’s a little bit too many memories all at once and he’s not sure how to handle that. But he doesn’t want to run away. Not again.
***
Yoongi notices that he’s still holding Jungkook’s hand and it’s not the most comfortable way to search for his keys. He lets go, even though ridiculous fear that he won’t be able to touch him ever again creeps somewhere behind him.
When they’re finally inside Yoongi plops down on a couch and observes. It hurts him to see Jungkook acting like a guest in a place that used to be his home. Not for long, but still.
Yoongi realises that his shirt smells with someone’s cigarettes and for some reason he finds it unbearable. He starts to unbutton it but fumbles with it and gets stuck on one stubborn button.
“Are you still trying to tell me you’re not drunk?” Jungkook asks reaching out to help him.
Yoongi wants to smile because no matter how he looks at it the situation is ridiculous. Here he is, with his ex-boyfriend unbuttoning his shirt. With someone he still loves so much and yet has no idea how to make him stay.
He looks up at him, sitting so close now, and it all drives him crazy. Jungkook’s eyes focused on the buttons with eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks. His lips so close to his own. Even that beauty mark on his neck. All he thought he had lost is right in front of him.
“Jungkook,” Yoongi starts. “What is this?”
“Hm?”
“This situation, you here.” He waves his hand in a vague gesture. “What the hell is this?”
“I’m… not sure.” Jungkook answers biting his lip. He always does when he’s stressed. His hands let go of Yoongi’s shirt and fall at his sides.
“Is this like, I don’t know, blast from the past?” Yoongi can feel his voice getting harsh and he tries his best to control it. “Fuck your ex for the sake of good old times?”
Yoongi regrets opening his mouth as soon as he’s done talking. The look of sadness and defeat in Jungkook’s eyes, no, in his whole body, are making his heart ache.
“Do you really think I would do that?”
“I’m sorry.” Yoongi runs his hand through his hair and sighs. “I don’t. That’s why I don’t know what the hell is going on.”
“You asked how am I, right?” Jungkook takes in a deep, shaky breath. “Well, not so well.”
Yoongi waits until he speaks again. “I was always lying to people that everything’s fine. But it wasn’t. I missed you so much I sometimes didn’t know what to do with myself.”
Yoongi watches how Jungkook’s hands clench and unclench on his knees.
“I always thought that when I’ll see you again I will feel angry or I don’t know. Indifferent.” He stops and rises corners of his lips in a sad smile. “But seeing you today made me happy. I haven’t feel like that in months.” He lets out a tired laugh. “Sad, right? The way I can’t force myself to let go of you.”
Yoongi’s heart beats so fast in his chest he feels like it’s about to burst. He tries to control his thoughts but they show and disappear so quickly he doesn’t know on what he should focus. All he knows is that Jungkook’s here, on his couch, in his apartment. All he need to do is to reach out, hold him like he always used to do. Feel that he’s alive and real.
Yoongi’s whole body burns with the need to touch him but he stops himself. It was the reason things ended up as they did. Action. But no words.
“Jungkook, I..” He knows what he feels, he knows so well and yet there’s no words, no sentences that could express that. “Fuck. I tried to stop thinking about you. But I can’t.” Now when he already started he doesn’t feel the need to stop. For once, he wants it all out of his system. “I thought I could do that, you know? That it would be easy to just move on. But I can’t. I don’t know how.” He laughs and he isn’t sure if it’s because he’s happy or so stressed his body doesn’t know how to react anymore. “And when I went out to at least try to forget you, from all of the people, I ran into you.”
Now Jungkook’s laughing too and god. He missed the sound of it. Missed the way it echoes through the walls of this room. He doesn’t want to stop hearing it again.
Jungkook wipes tears from the corners of his eyes and Yoongi doesn’t know if it’s sadness or happiness that caused them. He sniffs before speaking
“We fucked up.”
Yoongi lies down and closes his eyes because suddenly everything hurts. His stiff muscles, his stomach and head. His hands are shaking and he feels so dizzy it’s almost making him nauseous.
But his heart feels happy. Finally.
“Yeah. We did.”
Yoongi doesn’t open his eyes when he reaches out to find Jungkook’s hand. He twines their fingers together to make sure they still fit perfectly. They do.
“Do you want to stay?”
“Yeah.” He hears Jungkook say as his fingers squeeze around his. “I’d like that.”
***
Yoongi wakes up to three things. First, a bright sunlight shining in his eyes. Then, a headache starting to buzz at the back of his head. And finally, to the sight of Jungkook looking back at him.
They don’t say anything for a while, just lie next to each other on that too small and uncomfortable couch. But Yoongi doesn’t mind, he never did. No matter how narrow it was and how hard Jungkook’s knees pressed into his thighs.
“You stayed.”
“I did.”
Yoongi thought he forgot how it feels to have someone pressed next to him, with his body warm and breath tickling against his skin. He’s glad Jungkook’s here to remind him.
“I can’t believe you were so sad without me you dyed your hair black. How dramatic.”
“I can’t believe you were so sad without me you haven’t spoken to anyone for over a week.”
“It’s the last time I told Hoseok anything,” Jungkook laughs and it’s sleepy and sweet. Yoongi’s favorite kind.
He wants to tell him so much he’s not sure where to start. And he wants to listen to him. To know every detail Jungkook’s willing to share with him. Yoongi brushes Jungkook’s hair out of his face. “So that’s it, right? We’re trying again.”
“I wouldn’t stay otherwise.”
After all this time breathing finally becomes easier.
***
Jungkook fumbles with the keys because this one lock is always stuttering. He moves the key inside, up and down, in a way he learnt some time ago but still remembers. It works. The doors open.
He’s there, leaning against the counter and waiting. Not like an enthusiastic dog that runs to you with its tail wiggling. More like a cat, quiet and attentive.
It’s hard to kiss him when he’s smiling but Jungkook knows he has time to finally learn that.
“I’m home.”
“Welcome back.”
***
-bonus-
“Tell me,” Yoongi says, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “How is it possible that I bought the biggest bed and yet you still take all of it for yourself?”
He would lie if he said Jungkook wasn’t making a nice view like that, lying on his stomach with hands hidden under the pillow. In the dim light of the bedroom, tanned skin of his back makes a pretty contrast to the white crumpled sheets around him. Black hair, a complete mess now, sticks out in some odd directions. He doesn’t open his eyes, just smiles sweetly.
“Why did you buy such a big bed when you are so small?”
Yoongi can see his shoulders shaking a little bit with laughter.
“Obviously not for some asshole who sprawls like a goddamn prince in the middle of it.”
Jungkook yawns. “So you can’t use it either, huh?”
Being hit with the pillow just doubles Jungkook’s laughter, his whole body shaking now. “You could just politely ask me to move, you know?” He finally opens his eyes and turns to lie on his side instead, bending his arm to rest his head on hand.
“Move.”
“I think you didn’t hear the “politely” part.”
Yoongi leans closer to him with a hint of a smile and makes sure their eyes meet before he speaks again. He lowers his voice until it becomes a whisper. “Move, babe.”
Jungkook’s smug expression turning into embarrassed one with his cheeks blushed and eyes unable to look back at him, is one of Yoongi’s favorite things. Jungkook groans and lies down on his back, hiding his face between fingers. Yoongi suddenly feels so fond of him it’s almost too much.
He somehow finds enough space to fit next to him. After enough time of accidental kicks and elbows shoved in ribs, they both managed to work the cuddling system out. It takes a moment to lie in a position comfortable for them, Yoongi’s head resting against Jungkook’s chest. After a minute he feels fingers playing with his hair. Yoongi closes his eyes, his body relaxing under the touch.
It’s one of those times when time seems to slow down a bit around them. When they don’t need to be anywhere except next to each other. Do anything else beside breathing together and feeling each other’s heartbeats.
It’s simple and Yoongi learnt simple works the best for him.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”