Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I guess you can say everything changed over summer break. It was the first real time that I've had to myself. And no, I'm not saying that because I want people to feel sorry for myself, in fact I'm rather proud of of myself for it. See, I'm always the guy that's surrounded by people. I'm not popular, not really. I'm the funny guy who laughs his insecurities away and I guess people are drawn to that. But those aren't what I call friends, not real ones really. I can count my real friends on one hand and still have spare fingers to flip you off. Rian, Zack and Alex are more than my friends, they're like my brothers. Which might make this whole thing a little awkward where one of them is concerned. But anyway, back to the summer. Rian and Zack whose parents are freakily close decided to go on holiday together, not just for a week or two but the whole damn break. Which would have been fine, but then Alex's dad had a work commitment and had to go overseas and decided to use that as a way of bringing the family closer and took Alex and his mom along too. So there I was, my parents working, my siblings not exactly the vibe I wanted to be around, I mean they're cool and all but I'm seventeen, you can't blame me for not wanting to watch how grown up life will be soon. So I had to accept that I would spend the summer pretty much on my own. And at first the thought was terrifying and horrible. I needed people.

If I wasn't around people to make them laugh then what was I good for? And I'm not depressed and I realise how bad that sounded, but I'm just insecure. But that's normal, everyone is insecure about something. Right?

Rian and Zack text and called occasionally throughout the summer, it was nice talking to them and hearing what they were up to. Which mostly consisted of working out, so yeah really not missing anything from their exciting holiday. Because let's face it, I have an okay body - slim and lean, but definitely not a body made for any sport. The one person I had wanted to talk to throughout the summer was Alex. At first it was a constant thing, he would complain how bored he is, how no one in Spain speaks English and he wished he had payed more attention in Spanish class because all he wanted was a beer away from his dad. It had made me laugh, because it was so Alex. Then he told me about a family in the next Villa. They were English and they had a son a little older and according to Alex he was what made Spain hot and then the texts slowly fizzed out. And I missed him.

You see, me and Alex were more than best friends, we were more than brothers. There was something between us. I've had feelings for him for three years now, and sometimes I think he has feelings for me too. We cuddle, a lot. Whenever we are around each other we are constantly touching, like hand holding or a little snuggle during a movie. Sometimes we even kiss, not make out but a peck here and there and no one's ever questioned it. In fact people expect it of us. To the point that Rian and Zack call is ‘Jalex’ and I like that. But it's not a relationship, I've never actually had the balls to tell Alex how much I like him. And over the summer I realised just how much that was, and after the first week of him
Not texting my mood was completely trashed. I was miserable without him. I dwelled on it for a while, my mom noticed and she just assumed that I was missing my friends. Smart woman. So she brought me a guitar, a way to let my feelings out.

See, I had been begging and begging for a guitar for months now. I had started messing around in music class one day and I fell in love with the sounds I could make. I wasn't great, not then anyway. But having a summer with nothing else to do, I learned quickly and it was a great way to let things out. We've never had much money, we got by but we would never be able to spend the whole summer in another country. And I was fine with that. I started busking a little, just standing by subways with my guitar and making a little money. Then I got asked to play as background music in a little cafe and I started to get a regular wage. Music had become a distraction and by the end of the summer I had treated myself to some new clothes, I was going to be a senior and I just felt like I needed a change. So I got rid of the baggy board shorts and oversized jumpers and decided on skinny jeans and tight tees - I couldn't quite lose all of my hooded jumpers. I had wanted to pay my mom back for the guitar but she wouldn't have any of it but I saw how proud she was of me trying and that made me feel warm inside. My moms just pretty awesome.

It's the last day of the school holidays and I'm just finishing my shift at Green Tree cafe - I know it's a stupid name, but the guy - Ricky, that owns it is really cool. He's trendy and down to earth and he gets my humour and on busy days he gives me barista shifts, and the extra money has been great. He's even offered me to continue after school as long as it doesn't affect my studies and my Mom loves him for that. I head home, my guitar over my shoulder and I think about school and my friends who I haven't even spoken to in weeks. I don't even know if they are back in town, and I think they must be because school starts tomorrow, but I don't really care that much. Well not as much as I thought I would.

I leave my stuff by the stairs and walk into kitchen, my stomach rumbling. “Smells good mom.” I grin and join them at the table.

“How was work?” She asks smiling.

“Great.” I beam. “Ricky's drawn me up a new timetable.” I pull it out of my pocket and hand it to my dad who looks at it a little wearily. He's been a little funny recently with my interest in music, I think he thought I would follow in his medical profession. But seriously, I'm nowhere near smart enough for that.

“As long as you do your homework and stay on top of your grades.” He says and hands it back to me.

“Speaking of grades.” My mom starts and I bite my tongue from saying something. I'm at a C- average across my studies at best. Sometimes more towards a D than an actual pass rate but I do try. I'm not a bad student, well I don't think so. I just get bored easily and distracted. Especially when I'm around Alex. “It's your senior year, there will be lots of talking about colleges…”

“Mom.” I sigh, because we've had this conversation so many times and she knows that I don't really like the idea of college.

“I just thought now you've been really into your music that maybe you'll think about a career in it?” I stopped at the thought and stared at the food on my plate. Could I go into the music business? I was just a little good at guitar and I wrote songs, well I put words to paper. Did I really count them as songs? “It's something to consider. They do scholarships for music programs too. There's no harm in looking dear.” I nod my head slowly, I cast a quick look to my dad and see that he's not impressed with my mother's suggestion at all and I don't want them to fight so I change the subject to something easy and head to my room once I've done the dishes.

I sit on my bed and grab my guitar and start idly strumming when my phone rings, it's Blink 182’s All The Small Things and my heart clenches and I take a breath before reaching into my bag and fishing it out. I'm not surprised to see Alex's name on the screen. It's our song. I hit answer though to be honest I'm kind of pissed. I haven't had a text from Alex in like four weeks, am I supposed to answer and be like nothing has happened.

“Hey Jacky!” Alex chirps loudly before I can even register.

“Hey man.” I say and I know it's lame but what else was I supposed to say? I stretch out on the bed and look up at my ceiling.

“Missed you man. What you doing?” Alex asks, and he really sounds like he had just spoke to me yesterday and I shake my head. I'm pissed, beyond it but I'm not good at expressing my feelings.

“Chilling.” Even I can hear that my tone is just not impressed.

“Cool. Room for two?” Alex asks and my heart wants to say yes, wants him to come over and to cuddle and chill and just be with him but my brain for once is taking charge and I shake my head.

“I'm doing something with my mom in a bit so probably not. I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow. You know if you remember me at all.” And I hang up. And maybe it was bitchy and out of character but do you know what I don't care anymore. Because I'm finally happy in my own skin, finally realising life is okay on my own and I don't need anyone to drop me and pick me up when they feel like it. So I turn my phone off go back to playing guitar and I really start to think about things.

The future has always scared me. But my mom's spontaneous idea about music and college is playing in my head and I think it could be worth looking into. I've always had a good relationship with Tom, the head of music at school and maybe I'll talk to him before school starts tomorrow. I tell my mom and she thinks it's a great idea and she even offers to drive me before she goes to work. I think she knows about how I'm feeling about the whole friend thing. She's never had a problem with them before, especially not Alex. I hate that now she doesn’t even mention his name in conversation like she used to.

So I sleep a little restlessly, and because I forgot to turn my phone back on my mom wakes me up and I don't bother turning it on again. I just slip it into my grey skinny jeans and grab one of my jack skeleton tees, because hey I might have had an epiphany this summer but Jack's always got my back. I brush my hair and head downstairs and roll my eyes at the time. It's too early but then I remember that I'm going to speak to Tom and I feel a little better. I feel like this could actually be a good year for me.

Chapter Text

2

The school is buzzing with excitement of freshman and their first day jitters and seniors stoked about senior year. Friends are gathered around lockers catching up and I try not to look around for mine and head to the music block. It's quiet there but I can hear pottering around and I know it's Tom. He's the only teacher in the school that really gives a shit about students. I knock on the door and he calls to come in and I laugh a little at the surprised look on his face.

“It's not even 9am on the first day back and you've already been sent to see me?” Tom laughs shaking his head. “Must be a record, even for you.”

“Actually.” I smirk. “I wanted to talk you about something if you have a minute or something?” I ask, and I'm so nervous it's stupid.

“Go for it.” He gestures for me to sit and I perch on top of a table and chew my lip. “Jack is everything okay?”

“I want to go to college.” I say and I shake my head because that came out so wrong. “For music.”

“That's great!” Tom beams, and I can see his excitement on his face. “What would you want to do in music?”

“Well… I don't really know that yet. I… this summer has been weird. Like really weird. And I've taught myself guitar and I've been busking and got a job playing in a little cafe. And my mom was the one that brought it up over dinner just yesterday. So I haven't thought too much…” I ramble and he nods his head.

“A job? You! I'm proud.” He grins and he holds his hand out for a high five and I laugh giving him one. “Well, there's lots of different courses and scholarships available for music careers. There is journalism, music production and then being a musician. It's worth having a think about. What I'll do is get you all of the information, you can hang back after class and I'll get it for you.”

“Thank you.” I smile my nerves slipping away. “Would you be able to sign my work form? Since school's started back and I'm not eighteen yet…”

“Course. How many hours will you be doing?” He asks.

“Three hours every other day and five on a Saturday. During exam periods none.” I say remembering what Ricky had said. I hand Tom the form and he asks me about what I do and I talk happily to him until the bell goes and I'm reminded that I have to go to class and of course I'll see Rian, Zack and Alex in all of my classes and I slowly head to my home class.

Just as I knew they would be they are gathered in the back, I don't look over, don't look to see how good Alex is looking with a tan. Instead I greet Vic who waves excitedly towards me. “Hey man.” I cheer. I had bumped into Vic a lot over the summer, went to a few parties but it wasn't exactly a close friendship. Not like the three that I was avoiding.

We chat a little, he tells me about his latest conquest and I just nod my head along before the teacher comes in and I reluctantly go to my seat between the three of them and sit down. “Hey.” Rian says softly.

“Sup.” I nod and pull my phone out, turning it back on and scroll through my messages, ignoring the ones from Alex and open up Ricky's name and send him a text to say I have the form signed and that I'll see him later.

“How was your summer?” Zack asks. And I'm not mad at Zack and Rian, yes we’re best friends but we don't talk every day anyway. I didn't expect them to text constantly when they had each other.

“It was good.” I smile. “You two had fun?” I ask. “Do anyone you regret?” I wink because it's so easy to just fall back into my character. And it's easier to be like that then dwell on the twisting feeling inside me.

“Shut up.” Rian laughs and I just grin back at him. “How's work going for you? Get fired yet?” I grin at Rian’s question, it's safe to say that every time I had even dabbled with the idea of getting a job I hadn't lasted. Though, I hadn't told them about the music thing. I just said a barista job. It wasn't exactly a lie, but I wasn't ready to share my passion just yet. I had no idea what they would think about it.

“You work…?” Alex frowned and I ignored him. I got the job the second week of summer. Had I really not spoken to him for that long?

“It's going great actually. So great they've kept me for after school and weekends.” I say and I'm proud because finally I'm doing something for me.

“So does that mean we get free coffee?” Zack grins and I just shrug my head.

“Where do you work?” Alex asks, a little louder now and I don’t miss the way that Rian and Zack exchange looks. I just ignore him, and I don’t care if I’m being selfish, but I’m pissed man.

“Jack got a job in a coffee shop.” Rian says, a frown on his forehead as he looks at Alex. I just turn my head to the board and as much as I want to enjoy the shocked expression on their faces as I start to try at least to take notes, I keep focused on the work.

Classes go by slowly. Alex constantly tries to talk to me but I shrug him off. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to look at him until he tells me he’s sorry. But in all honesty, I have no idea how long I’m going to last with my plan because he is looking so bloody hot, and I really do miss him. Just being near him and not touching him was driving me a little crazy. At lunchtime I really don’t want to sit with him but Rian and Zack practically pull me along. “So, how was Spain?” Zack asks and I look down at my food. I’m not hungry. I just push the food around on my plate.

“It was great.” Alex says. I don’t even need to look up at him to know that he has a shit eating grin on his face. I can hear it in his voice.

“Oh yeah? What’s her name?” I sigh at Rian’s question. Really not hungry now. Even though we have the whole ‘jalex’ thing down, neither myself or Alex have come out as gay. I think it’s something that some people assume. I know that I’m gay, I want to tell my parents but I’m scared of what they would say. I kinda already have a feeling that my mom already knows. It’s my dad that I’m worried about. I haven’t even told Alex. and Alex hasn’t told me not really, he makes jokes and comments, like about the hot son in Spain.

I don’t look up I just stare at my food, my stomach twisting in horrible knots. “Alice.” Alex says and there’s something in his voice but I can’t quite register it. I don’t want to. I just need to escape.

“That’s a very nice name.” Zack hums.

“She’s great. We got together. She lives in England, but her dad works for my dad’s company so they travel to Baltimore a lot. She said she’ll come every time he has to.” Alex is beaming and I stand up. I don’t even make an excuse, I just leave my tray of untouched food on the table and walk away.

Chapter Text

3

Alex ditched me over summer for a ‘girl’. Great. But that wasn’t what was upsetting me, of course it wasn’t. Alex was in a relationship and from what it sounded like he really liked her. I was certain that my heart had never felt like this. So broken. I end up walking down to the music block and find Tom’s office empty and I just walk in and sit against the wall. I pull my knees to my chest and I just cry. And it’s a weird feeling. Crying so openly. Anyone could walk in. But I don’t care. I just have to let it out. I’m certain that the girl is actually a guy but I would never ever out Alex like that. I’m just hurt and jealous and I lose myself in my sobs, and I don’t notice the door open. I hear talking, it’s Tom and another teacher. As soon as Tom spots me he tells the other teacher to leave and rushes to my side.

“Jack?” He says, and I look up at him slowly. I don’t want to even think about what i look like. The words wrecked and wounded come to mind. But I really just can’t think about that right now. “What’s happening?”

“It’s nothing. I just...just needed this.” I say lamely and shake my head more. I wipe my eyes on my sleeve and he grabs me a tissue and wipes my eyes.

“You want to talk about it?” Tom asks and I shake my head. “Okay, well when you do want to talk about it. I’m here, okay? Or if you need anything my door is always open.”

“Thanks.” I mumble and wipe my eyes again. “Can I just stay here for a bit?”

“Sure.” Tom says softly. I nod my head and just sit there a little lost. Tom gets up and busies himself doing whatever it is teachers do on their breaks but I can feel that he keeps looking over at me and I hate that I'm worrying him so much. I'm the happy kid, the one with no problems. Or maybe that was before.

Looking around I see the guitars and go over to them, automatically I start tuning one and begin to play. I concentrate on the chords and the string and close my eyes just letting the notes distract me for a little while. I don't even hear the bell go it's only when Tom taps my shoulder that I open my eyes. My fingers are a little sore and I guess I've been playing for a while. “You've really improved Jack. You should be proud.”

I can feel myself blushing and I quickly shrug it off. “The bell went so everyone's going to come in now. Why don't you sit at the front?” I completely forgot that I had music now and i nod my head gratefully. I normally sit at the back with Alex and I just can't handle that right now. I put the guitar away and sit down at the front, I kick my legs up on the chair beside me and sigh quietly. I don't want anyone to sit with me. Tom nods in understanding and starts writing on the board as the class come in. Zack and Rian walk in and look over at me.

“You alright man?” Zack asks and I nod my head. “Need space?”

“Please.” I say and Zack and Rian nod their heads with a worried smile and head to the back. Alex comes in next and he spits me and I can see he wants to come over to me.

“Over here Alex.” Zack says and there's something in his voice. I've never heard him angry and I'm sure that this is close. Did they have words? I want to know what happened but at the same time I don't.

“But…” Alex argues.

“Take a seat please Alex. You're holding up the class.” Tom says and I can see Alex mumble something and he pushes himself to the back.

I don't turn my head to look back at them, I just grab my notebook and start writing. I've never been academic, we've established that already but I'm good with words and putting them together. Sometimes like poems or little stories but now I see them more as songs. I can lose myself in the scribbled words and just forget everything for a little while.

“So I hope you all had great summers and are ready for your senior year.” Tom began and there was a few exciting murmurs. “This term we are looking at composing. That means for your coursework you'll be composing your own piece of music. This could be on any instrument of your choice…” Tom paused as the class took in the assignment. For the first time I felt that maybe this was something I would be able to do. Maybe even doing well. “Now, because you've all opted to do music it will mean it will be an individual grade. However if your talent is an instrument and not singing, you can work in pairs or if you want to make it a group project you can. However you will be marked individually.” I didn't even need to look behind me to know that Rian, Zack and Alex were discussing doing it as a group. We've always wanted to form a band, nothing serious or anything like that. We mostly just cover blink. They've never really heard me sing, mostly because Alex is the one with the amazing voice.

“So classes for this term will be a little different. You'll come in and sign in for the class and then you'll pretty much have the next two months at your own devices. Songwriting isn't something you can do sitting in a classroom. So find your inspiration. You will be writing up an essay about your creation. So decide between yourself what you want to be doing or if you're working on your own head out and find yourself.” Tom smiled and the class instantly stood up buzzing.

“Hey Jack… come on we’re going to practice in the drum room.” Alex chirped.

“Actually… I think I'm doing this on my own.” I say and I haven't bothered moving, my moods so up and down that I can probably find words anywhere right now.

“Wait...what?” Alex frowns.

“I said I'm doing this on my own.” I say a little louder and Alex just stares at me. I've never really stood up to Alex before; kinda always just done what he wanted. But not anymore.

“That's great. We'll catch up later?” Rian says and Zack is smiling at me softly and I nod my head. Alex doesn't look happy but he walks out.

Other than a few others at the back I'm pretty much on my own in the class and Tom sits on the desk and looks at me. “I'm really proud of you Jack.” He smiles.

“Why?” I frown.

“Standing up to Alex like that, I've seen the two of you over the years and I know you've done a lot of crap especially at school because of him and in most cases you've taken the blame. This new you, or improved version of you seems like a really great guy.”

“Thank you.” I say softly, really not knowing what else to say.

“Do you want me to have a little look through some of these?” He asks and looks at my book.

“I… no ones seen these before.” I say lamely.

“I don't have to. Just if you ever want to share, I'm here.”

“Maybe when I decide which one to use for the project? I have loads of words but I've never actually made music to match them.”

“We can work on it when you're ready.” Tom says simply and I nod my head and spend the rest of the class writing words and thinking about what song it is I want to use.

I don't see Alex for the rest of the day and I'm grateful. There's not too much homework and I head home to drop my bag off and grab my guitar before heading to work.

“How was school?” Ricky smiles as he greets me. I walk over to the counter and duck under to go to the staff area.

“I think I'm succeeding in getting an education.” I grin.

“Well that's what the building is there for right.”

“That and to force misfit teens to socialise and for teachers to watch like animals in a zoo.” I Grinned back.

“We'll make sure you're the lion in the zoo. Go bite a freshman and mark your territory.” I burst out laughing because Ricky is just odd and always makes me laugh. “Go work your magic, at five Amy is finishing early if you could do the last hour at the counter?”

“Not a problem.” I smile “I can stay a little more if you need? Not a lot of homework.”

“I'll let you know.” Ricky smiles patting my back before leaving me to get ready.

Because it's not that busy and it's just background noise that I do anyway, I mess around with little tunes and melodies trying to find the perfect fit for any of the words I have written. But creating music is hard so I end up just playing blink 182 out of habit and get lost in the music. I don't even realise that Zack, Rian and Alex have sat down in one of the booths. Only once it hits five and I stand up and I get a little applause from the small crowd and they start cheering.

At first I tense up. They thought I was a barista. What if they think it's funny or weird that I play guitar like this? Do I care? I know that I don't want to care and I hope that has to stand for something.

“Great set man.” Ricky calls and he slings the green apron at me and I slip it on easily.

“Thanks.” I smile. Ricky pushes the tip jar that he's put on the counter, there's a sticky note on the jar that reads ‘tips for jack or we'll play bieber’ it always makes me smile. I take out the money, there's about $30 and I put it in my pocket.

“Jack…” I turn around and see Zack standing behind me. He has a soft smile on his face and I lean back against the counter and smile back. “You were really awesome.”

“Thank you.” I smile because it's Zack and life is so easy with Zack as a best friend. I automatically start making their drinks, even though they've never been here I know what they like.

“Alex is really confused about your behaviour.” Zack says and I don't want to talk about it. Not here at work. “Rian and I figured out what was wrong. We told him and I think he's slowly figuring it out too.”

“Good for him. Can we talk about this later?”

“Yeah. When do you finish?” He asks.

“Five. But just the two of us?”

“I'll wait for you. I'll tell Rian to take Alex home.”

“Thanks.” I smiled back softly and handed him the drinks.

The rest of my shift went by easily, I smiled and spoke to the customers and tried my hardest not to look in their direction. It was harder than I realised. I was so drawn to Alex that it was one of the weirdest feelings I’ve felt in a long time. Being so close to him but not being near him hurt.

“Thanks for your hard work today Jack, same time Wednesday?” Ricky asked and I nodded my head with a smile. Suddenly I was very nervous about talking to Zack. I knew that I was going to tell him everything, the feelings I had for Alex. The fact that I was gay, the fears of my future, everything. I just hoped nothing would change between Zack and I. I’ve already felt that I’ve lost Alex, I can’t lose Zack too.

Chapter Text

4

I kill a little time making drinks for me and Zack, before we eventually head out of the cafe and start walking around. Zack doesn’t pressure me to talk, and I’m grateful for that. Every now and again he shoots me questioning looks and I just avoid his eye gaze. “I guess this is where I start talking?” I sigh.

“I’m here to listen.” Zack promises and I walk towards the park and we sit on top of the hill. I cross my legs and look down at my hands, picking at my fingers nervously. I hate that I’m so nervous. It’s Zack!

“I guess this Summer was just really hard for me.” I start. “When Alex went away after you guys… It was just really weird. I didn’t have anyone to hang with…”

“If I had known Alex was heading away I would have invited you with us. You know that right?” Zack says and I nod my head slowly. I do know that and I love him even more for it.

“I know Zack, honestly… I’m kind of glad that I was on my own. I learned a lot about myself, and my feelings.”

“About Alex?” Zack asks and I’m not even surprised he’s figured it out.

“Yes.” I sigh and look down. “I’m...I’m gay Zack. I’ve known for a while now.”

“I know.” Zack smiles and I turn and look at him a little shocked. “I’m your best friend, Jack. Sometimes your feelings aren’t as hidden as you like to believe.”

“I’m still your best friend?” I ask quietly, and I don’t know why I doubt it so much. Zack isn’t the type of friend to just desert you. Zack doesn’t answer straight away and it terrifies me, but then he has his arms around me and he’s holding me so tight that I can’t help but feel protected. Zack isn’t really a touchy feely sort of guy, so this means a lot and I lean into the embrace even more.

“You’re still my brother.” Zack whispers and he pulls away and I smile softly up at him, not surprised that my eyes are watering. “Does Alex know?” Zack asks and I shrug my shoulders. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you see us when we’re together, we cuddle and we kiss and we’re so affectionate towards each other, but we’ve never actually spoken about it.” I say and kick my feet a little into the ground as we walk.

“Has he come out to you?” Zack asks, and I shake my head.

“Not really, he will say if a guy is hot or something.” I shrug. “When he did text me before he met Alice, he didn’t mention her, he just mentioned the hot guy next door. I don’t know if the hot guy next door is Alice… But it’s not my place really.”

“It kinda is your place.” Zack frowns. “If he’s been leading you on, then you have every right to feel pissed.”

“Honestly? I’m not even pissed about my feelings getting hurt. I’m pissed that the second he gets someone he ditches me, then when he can’t be around them suddenly I’m back? I’m tired of feeling like the leftover friend who gets picked up when no one else is around…”

“I’m so sorry you feel that way.” Zack whispers and I can see guilt in his eyes, because before it was just me and Zack, and then Rian came alone and it became a bit more Zack and Rian but it was fine because with Rian came Alex and everything levelled itself out in the end.

“It’s okay.” I whisper, because honestly, I really don’t know what else there is to say.

We walk around a little more, we don’t have a destination in mind but we just enjoy the silence and each other’s company. “I’ve been thinking about college.” I say once the silence becomes too much.

“That’s amazing, Jack.” He says and just like when I spoke to Tom I can see the pride in his eyes. “What to study?”

“Music.” I say, chewing my bottom lip as I wait for him to laugh at me, to tell me that it’s stupid.

“That’s awesome.” He says instead and he slings an arm around my shoulder and we keep walking together. “Is that why you were with Tom today?”

“Yeah.” I nod my head and suddenly I’m having flashbacks to my break down in his office. Tom’s a good man, an even better teacher so I know he won’t really let my episode be forgotten. He’ll want to make sure I’m okay, and honestly I’m just not worth all of that hassle. “He’s helping me look into scholarships.”

“You’re definitely good enough, you’ve really come a long way.” Zack hummed motioning towards the guitar over my back. “Did you teach yourself?”

“Yeah.” I nod my head and smile. I’m allowed to feel a little proud of myself right?

“That’s cool.” Zack smiles. “You’re doing your music project on your own?”

“I am. Sorry, I know we normally do them as a foursome.” I smile and he rolls his eyes fondly. “Was Lex pissed?”

“A little. But honestly, I think he’s pissed because he doesn’t really know what’s happening with you. He’s completely oblivious.”

“Then that’s for him to figure out.” I sigh.

“Of course.” Zack nods. “I won’t tell him any of this.”

“Thank you.” I smile and I lean into him a little more. “It’s getting late. I think I’m going to head home.”

“Okay.” Zack smiles and we end up walking towards my street, he only lives a few blocks from me. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bright and early.” I grin, we hug once more before I head inside.

My evening goes slowly, I eat my dinner with my parents and we talk about school and what their day has been like before I head to my room and do a little bit of homework. I know that if I want to get this scholarship my grades in all of my lessons need to be good so I crack on a little. It’s not until my phone beeps next to me that I get distracted. There’s a text from Zack just telling me that he’s always there for me and I roll my eyes at his adorableness and send him a smile emoticon back, he then responds back with the finger icon and i know things are definitely back to normal between us. That’s when a text from Alex comes in and I hesitate before opening it. J, Sorry for whatever I’ve done to upset you, can we talk? Miss you, Lex. xx I squeeze my eyes shut, hating that there’s still tears and turn my phone off. We’ll talk, I know we will. Just, I’m not ready to right now.

Chapter Text

I wake up feeling even more tired than I did last night. I know i hadn’t slept well, I don’t remember my dreams but my sheets are off my bed and my body aches as though I had been thrashing around all night. I get nightmares a lot and never remember them. Out of my friends of course it was only Alex that knew that, having spent a lot of my nights cuddled up to him he would calm me down and tell me in the morning what happened. At first I would always feel guilty that I had kept him awake, and even cancelled a few sleep overs just to avoid the embarrassment but he had promised me it was okay, what else were friends for? That’s what he had said. Just thinking about it now makes me feel kinda angry.

I don’t pay much attention to my outfit choice and I grab my bag and guitar and head downstairs. I know it’s going to be a long day and it’s easier to just head to work straight after school and if that means taking my guitar in then so be it. I can feel my phone burning in my pocket, I didn’t check it this morning and I wonder if there are messages from Alex on there. I don’t want to look, so I don’t.

I grab a bagel from my mom before kissing her on her cheek and heading out. I don’t want to hang around, she’ll ask me how I am and I can’t face lying to her. As soon as I open the door I wish that I had stayed talking to my mom. Anything to put this off.

There standing there. Zack, Rian and Alex. Zack looks at the floor sheepishly when he sees my reaction and I just take a deep breath and nod my head. “What are you all doing here?” I ask. Though of course I know the answer.

“We were in the neighbourhood.” Rian smiles and I roll my eyes and walk towards them. I just nod my head and fall into line with Zack and we start to walk. Alex keeps looking over at me, but I make a point to stay looking at the floor.

“You look like you haven’t really slept.” Zack says from beside me and I just shrug my shoulders. “Jack…”

“I slept.” I say a little more blunt than intended and i instantly feel both Rian and Alex’s eyes on me. “I just didn’t want to wake up for school.” I shrug and I move forward a little more. I don’t want to ask questions. I didn’t ask for them to suddenly remember that I existed.
“What the hell is your problem?” Alex shouts and I stop in my tracks, my knuckles clenching at my sides.

“My problem?” I snap back and turn to look at him. I’m shaking now, beyond angry and tired. I see Zack and Rian exchange worrying glances but right now I’m pissed at them too. “My problem is that you’re full of shit!”

“What?” Alex glares and really why does he have to be so naive?

“You ignored me the whole summer Alex. You didn’t even bother to hide it that it was over some girl!” I shake my head. “At least Zack and Rian didn’t make any excuses for not talking to me.”

“Alex…” Rian starts but Zack grabs his arm and shakes his head. He knows this isn’t about the two of them. This is all about Alex and I’m finally letting it out.

“You’re supposed to be my best friend, and you did the one thing you swore you’d never do. You left me for a girl. And yes you were in a different country but before you met her you spoke to me every day. Did you even care that I had no one Alex? Because you knew. I had told you the day before you stopped talking to me how fucking lonely I was!” I shake my head trying to push the tears away but I can feel them against my cheeks. “And do you know what else? I’m glad that you did. Because as much as it hurts not being near you, I’m a better person away from you.”

Alex doesn’t say anything, he looks angry and upset and betrayed and I just shrug my shoulders in response to his silence. I’ve said all that I needed to say and maybe I put too many of my feelings out there but it had to be said. I just look at Zack and Rian and see a mixture of emotions on their faces too.

“Come on Jack, let’s go and get a coffee.” Zack says and he looks at Alex and Rian and Rian nods at some sort of silent statement moving between the two of them and Zack then leads me away from them.

“Are you okay?” He asks quietly and I shake my head. I can’t talk. I know if I do I’ll sob and I can’t afford another break down. “It’s okay to cry.”

“No… I’m done crying over him.” I whisper but as I do more tears fall.

Zack takes my hand and he pulls me into the school gates and drags me to the one place he knows I’ll find some sort of comfort; the music block. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight against his chest and I just sob. I cry because I’m relieved I’ve said what needed to be said. Because I’m proud of myself for actually saying it. But mostly because it was all true and I hate it.

“Boys…” Tom’s voice startles me and I groan quietly into Zack’s neck. “Jack…”

“M’fine.” I mumble.

“This is twice in one week that you’ve come down here crying.” Tom says softly and I can practically feel Zack frown against me. “Please come and talk to me. Zack can stay…”

“I’m fine.” I pull back and wipe my eyes quickly. “I’m not being abused. Life is fine at home. I’m just dealing with friendship shit.”

“Dealing with things is good.” Tom says and I roll my eyes more. “Things with Alex?”

“Who?” I mutter and Zack rolls his eyes this time.

“I’m not going to ask what happened between the two of you. But I’m here if you need anything or just a place to hide.”

“I’ll try and keep my breakdowns to a minimum.” I sigh and Tom just shakes his head.

“You may not feel like it right now, but crying and getting everything out of your system is a way of healing and moving on. I’d be more concerned if you were bottling things up.”

“Like you have been all Summer.” Zack adds and I turn and look at him.

“It must have been hard not being around your friends all Summer.” Tom says and I just sigh and sit down on the table. I pull my guitar from my back and strum a little avoiding the subject. “Though you practiced your music and it’s payed off!”

“You should come to the cafe and see him perform. He’s awesome.” Zack beams proudly.

“I think I’ll have to on such high praise.” Tom chuckles and I look up at him. Would he really come and see me? Did I really want him too? I just ignore the comment and keep strumming away.

“I have to head to gym. Will you be okay?” Zack asks and I nod my head. “If you need anything text me okay.”

“Sure.” I shrug, and I sigh when I realise just how lame I’m being towards him. “Thank you.” I say and stand up and wrap my arms around him.

“Nothing to thank me for.” Zack says and rubs my back and I feel so much calmer already. “I’ll come find you for lunch.” I nod my head again and watch him leave.

“You have a free period right now?” Tom asks and I nod my head. “Going to keep me company?”

“Sure.” I smile and look up at him. “I was hoping maybe we could look at schools?”

“Let me grab us a coffee and then we can definitely do that.” Tom says and I nod my head and watch him head towards the staff cafeteria and I sigh quietly.

As I wait for Tom to come back I tidy up his class a little and tune some of his guitars before I fish my phone out of my pocket. I have a few texts from last night and then one from Alex from ten minutes ago.

I’m sorry you hate me. I’m sorry I hurt you. Please don’t give up on us…

I want to scream, to delete it, to tell him to fuck off. But I don’t. I can’t. I just stare at it and try not to cry again. Why was I so in love with him? My thumbs start talking before my mind can even catch up.

I don’t want to give up on us Alex. I don’t even know what ‘us’ you are talking about. The us that cuddles and kisses and makes me feel so happy inside? Or the us that goofs around and joke all day? Because right now they are not the same. I need some space. I meant what I said today. You hurt me Alex. You hurt me so bad that I hate you for it. But I know I won’t hate you forever because the truth is I love you Alex. I love the us that cuddle and kiss and the us that makes me happy. And I know I’ll never be able to have that. So I need space. And maybe after this message you’ll hate me too and we can be even or some shit.

I don’t really realise what I’ve said before I press send and I start to feel the panic rise inside me before I’m rushing out of Tom’s class to be sick in the nearest toilet.