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His father is telling him to go while his mother is yelling “No!” and Tegoshi hears something break, glass shattering as he runs out the door.
Tegoshi’s wearing his tight pants; pants that he used to really love. They looked real good, too, when they were new. They still fit well, but they’re a little more worn… and there’s a pretty significant hole in the left knee. But that’s okay too. It makes the look a little grungy, and that’s sort of popular again.
And it makes him look a little tough. A little edgy-- and that gives him a spark of confidence, because it reminds him of how he used to feel.
He’s walking down the sidewalk, hunched over to hide his face among the crowd. It rained earlier, and the night is a little humid and damp, and that’s just miserable when paired with the chill and the smell of exhaust. He’s wearing his fitted military jacket, too. It’s dark pink, loud, and just like the pants, it reminds him of his old style. His style from back when he used to date; back when he felt like he could be anything, and the world was just waiting to have him. When he could be a god to everyone and anyone so privileged to meet him.
Not because he was more special than them… But because he had been so willing to give them everything. He thought he could give it all back then, and keep on living. And they’d love him.
They would love him.
Love.
He gets to the outside of the theater-- the sidewalk is crowded because a line has formed to get tickets to the next showing of the blockbuster book-turned-movie action-packed romantic drama, but Tegoshi already has a ticket. He has two, actually. One for himself, and one for Massu. Because even though Masuda said he’d get a ticket himself, Tegoshi got one for him… but he hadn’t expected it to be such a sell-out. Massu was probably somewhere in the line, panicking that they wouldn’t get in-- that’s what Tegoshi thought. That must be why the older boy wasn’t where he said he would be. Where they’d agreed to meet.
But he scans the line a half dozen times, and texts twice… and Massu isn’t there. He doesn’t respond. He isn’t coming… and Tegoshi laughs, because he should have known. Even Massu doesn’t give a shit anymore. Well, he’s earned that, hasn’t he? Tegoshi thinks to himself as he walks inside the theater, stashing the extra ticket in his pocket. He buys popcorn and a diet soda, and finds a seat in theater 12. He knows he’s wasting a seat some poor idiot standing in line would love to have-- but Tegoshi doesn’t care. Fuck ‘im.
He’s a half-hour early for the movie, and he shares the theater with all the other viewers savvy enough to buy tickets beforehand… or maybe there was a limit? There might have been a limit to online sales. Tegoshi forgets, but he knows this theater is odd that way…. Anyway, he’s sitting there. All alone, and all he can see is small bunches of friends or dates. That’s the only way to go to the movies, apparently. With friends or lovers.
And gosh darn-it, Tegoshi doesn’t have either. He smiles sarcastically, winks, or blows kisses at every doe-eyed bitch that gives him a pathetic look. He’s in a real mood tonight, and he stays classy that way until the previews begin to roll, and the theater is suddenly full, and Massu really isn’t coming...
And while the trailers roll, and couples cuddle close while friends snigger and chuckle and whisper loudly, Tegoshi remembers what it was like to feel like they do now….
Tegoshi had been younger than the other kids in his class. Even though they were the same age, technically, he seemed younger-- and he was prettier than the other boys. Not in a good way. Not in a way to be jealous of-- not in Tegoshi’s mind. He was prettier in a weaker way. He was small and cute-- and he didn’t feel like he wanted to be cute.
But he learned to-- and his mother pushed him to be better at it. Cuter. Sweeter. Saccharine smiles and girly gestures. And he became really good at it. Ambiguous. Curious. Big eyes and innocence. Pink became his color, and eventually, his small smiles became paired with intelligent eyes that teased. Without words, he teased the other boys. His eyes said things like, “I know more than you think.” And “Let me show you.”
This time in Tegoshi’s life had taught him a rather valuable lesson, one best expressed by a classmate a few months older than him, born on the eleventh of July when he was born the eleventh of November. The boy had dark hair and intelligent eyes, and he told Tegoshi, after it was all over and gone, “Pretending to be innocent only really works in your favor when you have the experience you’re pretending not to.”
No, Tegoshi would later think. He shouldn’t have pretended at all...
His mother had always wanted a perfect child, son or daughter. Whichever, as long as it was pleasing to look at and tell her friends about. So he took all sorts of lessons growing up-- joined all sorts of clubs. He could play two instruments….
It’s funny how this sort of thing can turn out to be about what parents wanted. Tegoshi’s father just wanted his wife to be happy, and sure, he wanted to be proud. He wanted a son to live up to the family name. But the man didn’t have anything in particular in mind. Not like Tegoshi’s mother. Tegoshi’s mother had seen early on how pretty her son was. She’d known exactly how she’d wanted this story to go. He’d be beautiful, and everyone knows beauty and talent equal success. If Tegoshi’s mother pushed him hard enough, she’d have that perfect child.
And everyone would see him and know he was her’s.
So Tegoshi entered his teenage years with this skewed sense of responsibility to be attractive and charming and desirable by everyone. Which he wasn’t, not really. He continued to look like a child while everyone else started to grow up without him. It was frightening really-- not being able to keep up.
Around that same time, while all the other boys were growing up, Tegoshi was paired with an older boy for a project. This boy was a quiet athletic type, with good balance and muscled arms, and Tegoshi had immediately seen the hesitation in his eyes. The first time they met, the older boy looked wary of him-- and Tegoshi had immediately pounced all over that. He tramped it down, and smiled and laughed until all of the uneasiness was gone.
Soon after, Tegoshi starts running with a popular crowd. It’s a happy bunch, and he chases along after them. Even though Tegoshi is still baby-faced and young, he’s also quick-witted and coy. He knows how to work his face to his advantage, and batting his lashes at the boys gains him just the attention he wanted. Unsure, nervous, but also interested. He becomes an object of curiosity. Dates are cast here and there, and somewhere along the way, he starts giving out kisses like candy. Boys and girls. Doesn’t matter.
He stops that, though, when a boy from Osaka flashes him a cocky smile that Tegoshi throws a smirk right back at…. and because kissing this guy, with the laughing eyes and wide smile, somehow turns into more than just that, Tegoshi decides he’ll only be kissing him.
And that lasts for a little while, and it’s fun, but it’s not enough. Tegoshi wants something more, and his mother does too. Half the time, he’s so worn out from trying so hard to be so bright when he’s with friends, he’s too tired to shine very brightly elsewhere. It takes all the energy he has to keep up.
His mother tells him he’s not up to par. He’s not performing well enough… But she doesn’t push it. Not like she used to. What she doesn’t tell him is that it’s okay, because her pretty son is popular and runs with the elite group of boys-- including the tall, beautiful boy that everyone just adores, and she adores him too. She has only good things to say about that one. His eyes are a little vacant, but what does that matter?
Tegoshi goes from sleeping with the second-most-popular guy to the most popular, and his new boyfriend is more than just beautiful. He’s stoic and carved from stone. He’s perfect. He’s exactly what Tegoshi wants and needs. Sometimes, his boyfriend shares him with his ex-- the two are close friends-- and Tegoshi doesn’t question it because the kisses are hot and aggressive and he feels so alive and electric and wanted and bright and while they make love, he’s shining-- shining-- shining…. Finally, Tegoshi is perfect. He couldn’t be more perfect. He’s exactly what he’s always wanted. He’s a star-- and he’s the light of a gorgeous boy’s world.
But then he leaves him.
His boyfriend says he’s wanted to be alone.
With beautiful girls.
The other guy, #2, is gone almost immediately afterwards. Without number one, he had nothing to stay for.
Nothing. That’s what he said.
That’s what Tegoshi was.
And it was so damn funny, because he never ever saw it coming at all.
Tegoshi remembers that false sense of confidence and security….and love, and sneers. The ugly expression looks alien in contrast to the pretty features of his face. His tension rises-- he’s self-conscious again and thinks that this is why he hates to date--- and he thinks how utterly stupid he was then. What had possessed him to assume he knew what love was? He’d had no clue what that other guy was thinking or feeling, and it certainly wasn’t love. It was something else… and when that facade came crashing down, so did Tegoshi’s light. He was tainted afterwards… That innocent face didn’t look quite so innocent anymore. And his eyes reflect more bitterness than ever before.
Really, he’d had no right to assume he’d known what any of his classmates had been thinking, because they sure as hell hadn’t stuck around either. Half of them called him dirty names, the other half just walked away. Except one, but...
“Forget it,” Tegoshi breathes, and sinks into the seat. His mother hadn’t even wanted him to go tonight. She hadn’t seen the point, and she was getting angry when his father just told him to leave. Get out and go to the movie. His dad had said not to worry about his mother. He’d handle her.
It was just a movie with a quiet athletic dude who has this dimple on his cheek that really shows when he smiles really hard-- and while it doesn’t mean much, Tegoshi had always been rather good at getting him to smile. Too bad Tegoshi hadn’t cared about that sort of thing before. Now it was too late….
Tegoshi forces himself to focus on the movie. It’s at least a quarter of the way in, and he’d been thinking stupid thoughts about a stupid past that was never once what he’d thought it was. But the film is a saddening bore, ‘cause he’s lived it ten times or more.
Futuristic militia sailing through space, a mission from Earth to the red planet, and a love triangle that has two guys fighting in a dance hall. The prize, a small woman whose eyes say "I know more than you think." A misthrown punch lands on this great big man's face, and the audience around Tegoshi laughs as the goon gets into it.
The bad guy wins, but the good guy gets laid. Well-lighted kisses in dim corners; flashes of skin. Tegoshi doesn't miss the slim guy down the row lean over and kiss his boyfriend, who throws an arm around him in return. The guy has the warmest, sleepiest smile Tegoshi's ever seen, and even in the darkness, he knows that the guy thinks he's in love with his skinny boyfriend... and Tegoshi almost feels like cr---
Tegoshi coughs, and Skinny shoots him a curious look. The screen lights up bright, and Tegoshi notices there's a mole on his chin... Ah! Another fight breaks out in the movie. The hero is about to arrest the criminal threatening their mission, except he's got the wrong guy.
Isn't that how it always goes? And this is the best selling show. . . And even though Tegoshi's lost interest, he watches as it rolls on. Will they ever know? Is there life on...
Little miss coy-eyes ends the movie by sacrificing her own life in the name of science and adventure-- and really, just to make sure her hero with the gorgeous hair can "live on."
Sniffles and comforting whispers surround Tegoshi. God, it's just all so sad. Now she'll never know. Is there life on Mars?
His eyes have never been more dry in his life, and Tegoshi decides to leave. Love like that doesn't exist. That tan, sleepy-smile guy will leave skinny mole-chin one day too, just because he's bored or tired or whatever-- and Skinny will know why Tegoshi coughed.
He chucks the half-eaten popcorn in the bin and walks out. He's got the soda straw hanging at his lips, turns a corner. . . And there, talking with a few guys at the concessions counter, is Massu.
A tall guy in a purple hoodie says something, and Massu's face splits into a grin. His laughter echoes in the lobby. It sounds like a memory, one that Tegoshi had taken for granted. Massu, who had always been there. Who used to laugh because of things he'd said... who never told him how awful he looked when he was tired, is right there in front of him, but too far out of his reach. Tegoshi can't keep anyone.
He ducks his head down and walks briskly towards the doors. Tegoshi holds his breath and counts the steps it takes him to reach their glass panes.
"Tegoshi!" Massu's eyes light up when they see him. He jogs over. Tegoshi's chest is tight.
"What are you doing?" The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them.
"I lost my phone on the train."
Oh.
"I didn't get a ticket, I was too late."
"So you...?"
"I know you," Massu chuckles, "I figured you'd still see it whether I came or not. So I waited."
The tight place in Tegoshi's chest starts to grow warm. His cheeks do too, and he mumbles,"Yeah, I guess you do know me."
"It's been a while though... You look good," Massu says softly, his eyes reading Tegoshi's face, and the smile that plays softly on his lips comforts Tegoshi like nothing else in the world can.
"Let's get out of here."
Massu nods, and Tegoshi can see a brightness-- all of his light-- waiting in Massu's dark eyes. Maybe he hadn't lost it.... maybe it was just waiting there for him to find it.
"Aw man," Massu whines as Tegoshi fits into his side, under his arm, "I really wanted to see that movie."
"It was pretty good. We can go again."
"Sweet," Massu says, "Because I'm really curious."
"About what?"
"Is there life on Mars?"