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Dean stared into those accusing blackened eyes. ‘You should have told me the truth’ they seemed to say. Words unsaid echoing in his skull. What if he’d told him, what if he’d sent him away... too many what ifs. What if he’d not let the angel in Sam, in the first place. What if he’d told Sam sooner, what if he’d paid attention... what if he’d trusted Cas with the whole truth... Cas... Cas had his powers back.
“Cas?” The voice that came out was a broken defeated sound. “Cas... please...”
No chorus of angels, no flap of wings, nothing. He’d fucked that up too. Cas had needed him... and he’d sent him away. Cas who’d been human. Human. For all of a few weeks, who had needed his help, guidance. Cas who had wanted to stay. Wanted to work with him. Wanted to be part of the team. He’d fucked it up, he’d pushed Cas away.
The eyeless face glared at him ‘You should have told him the truth, you should have asked him to stay. You should have known.’
Dean curled his knees up to his chest, head in his hands. “I had to save Sam.”
‘And what did that get you? I’m dead. Sam is gone, and Cas? Cas is an angel again and now he’ll never come home. He’ll never stay. He had a taste of humanity and he hated it. He hates you. He won’t even come when you call. You’re alone Dean, you’re alone and you have no one to blame but yourself.’ Dean shivered.
“Kevin, please...”
“YOU SHOULD HAVE WARNED ME! I TRUSTED YOU! And now I’m screwed, I’m dead, Dean, and it’s all your fault. How could you do this to me? You said I was family...’ Dean knew what was coming next but it didn’t make the words any easier to hear from the corpse. ‘but I guess all your family dies, don’t they? Everyone you love dies and it’s always your fault!’
“I’m sorry, Kevin, I’m so, so, sorry.”
‘Sorry can’t change this Dean, sorry can’t make up for your mistakes, nothing can. You could have saved humanity from all demons if you’d just let Sam complete the trials. If you could have just let him go. But you were selfish, and now... everyone you love is gone. Sam’s as good as dead anyway, and now it'll mean nothing.’
Dean clawed his hands over his ears, trying to block out the voice of the corpse. It wasn’t real... maybe none of this was real, maybe it was a nightmare and he’d wake up and have a chance to make things right, to save Kevin, to save Sam.
‘Saving him is what destroyed everything in the first place! You really haven’t learned your lesson have you?’
“SHUT UP! Shut up! Just leave me alone!”
“Dean.”
Something grabbed him.
“No no no no... stop! Please stop!”
“Dean!”
“I’m sorry... I’m so sorry... it’s all my fault... I-”
Strong arms shook him “Look at me! No one else is here.”
Dean struggled against the hands holding him by the arms. “No, no nonono just go away. I can’t-”
A steady cold voice spoke to him. “Dean, you need to calm down.”
Dean could feel himself shaking, he struggled, his heart was racing. “No... please..." his breathing was erratic, he found he was gasping, barely able to talk now. "I don’t... I can’t...”
He felt something touch his forehead gently. His breathing eased, his heart regained a steady pace. Things seemed clearer... but oddly far away. He felt his body relax. The person holding him leaned him back into the pillar. He saw the face for the first time since he entered the room. “Cas?” His voice was airy, a forced calm about him, he found he couldn’t think straight. He tried to grasp at the thoughts he’d just had, there was something he needed to tell Cas... but it all slipped through his fingers. “What did you do to me?”
Cas had a guilty and sad expression on his face. “I’m sorry Dean. You were... unwell.”
Dean stared blankly at Cas. He was weak, floaty... his eyes wandered. An eyeless face glared at him over Cas’ shoulder. “Kevin?” His voice was instantly panicked again. “Kevin!” He lunged forward reaching for him. Cas grabbed him around the middle, putting himself between Dean and the corpse. He tucked Dean’s head down into the hallow of his neck so he couldn’t see the charred corpse.
“Dean! Dean, there’s nothing you can do. He’s gone.”
“No-” Dean was sobbing. “No nonono, it was me, I did this... I...” He stopped struggling, something about the way Cas was holding him made him feel calm, weak. He was so warm... it was so nice to be held... to feel loved...
Dean pulled back and jumped to his feet. No. No, he couldn’t have this, he couldn’t allow Cas to comfort him. He didn’t deserve it, he’d failed Cas, he’d pushed him away when he'd needed him. Dean didn’t deserve Cas’ kindness. Especially right now, when it was the only thing he wanted.
“Why are you here?” No that wasn’t right... there was a more important question. “Can you heal him?”
“I’m sorry Dean.” And Cas truly did look sorry. He looked like he’d just been punched in the gut.
Dean let his head drop. “I... I figured, I mean...” He clenched his fists at his sides. “I’m... I’m so... so sorry. I should have been there for you, Cas.”
“Dean...”
“Sam... he... I shouldn’t have saved him... he didn’t want me to. I was being selfish. I’m always so goddamned selfish.” He rubbed his hands over his head, clenching them in his hair. “And then I pushed you away... You were human Cas! You were vulnerable, and I wasn’t there for you!”
“You did everything you could, Dean. And I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere. We will find Sam, everything is going to be alright.”
“You’ll stay?” Dean didn't let himself hope... Cas would never stay, there were angels out there, a war starting Cas could never leave all that and stay with him.
Cas smiled fondly at Dean. “I will stay as long as you need me.”
Dean's heart jolted painfully in his chest. "Cas..."
Cas wrapped his arms around Dean. Dean stiffened. “No, don’t, I can’t... it’s my fault... all my fault.” Dean could feel his resolve faltering, he wanted this, he wanted Cas so badly. He didn’t want to be alone.
Cas’ arms pulled him in tighter, he was so warm... so, so warm. “Shh... everything’s going to be ok.” Cas patted his head gently. Dean couldn’t fight it. He let himself fall into Cas’ arms, let himself forget. None of it mattered right now, nothing mattered. “You have to let go... everything is fine now.” He was loved... everything he'd done, but Cas forgave him. Cas was going to stay. “I'll never leave you Dean, I promise.”
Dimly Dean’s cell phone buzzed where it had fallen to the floor.
***
“This is Dean’s other, other cell phone. You know what to do.”
“Dean? Dean, answer your phone!” Castiel shifted uncomfortably in the phone booth. “Dean, I heard your prayer but I’m not strong enough to fly to the bunker. I will be there as soon as I can. I need you to promise me you won’t do anything stupid...” Castiel sighed. “Dean, I don’t know what happened... but the way you sounded... please, just be ok.”
Castiel hung up the phone.
“Dammit Dean!” He screamed at the sky. Castiel shivered remembering how broken Dean’s voice had sounded when he’d called out his name. “You’d better be alright...”