Chapter Text
Borderline personality disorder.
It was such a scary word for people. Just the “disorder” part was scary.
People were afraid of difference. And Remus was different, in a lot of ways.
He remembered how it began. He was only five. His dad, a local police officer, was on a big case. He remembered how he waited for his dad at night.
One of this nights, a man came in his room, by the window. His name, at least the one he gave him, was Fenrir. Remus was too little to be completely scared, especially when the man said he was Daddy's friend.
But he was not. He was, in fact, the man Lyall Lupin was after for months. The poor boy was kidnapped, not really against his own will – he followed the criminal, thinking it was just one of Lyall's friends.
He couldn't remember the first night, even now, years after the incident. But he could remember everything else.
The hunger.
The fear.
The loneliness – because Fenrir just left him in a small room, with a pot and nothing else.
The smell of wet wood and piss.
The thunderstorm during the second night.
Remus was told, once he was safe at the hospital, that he was in a very bad state when he was found. He never knew exactly how he was - his parents always refused to talk about what happened.
After this, everything changed.
When he was angry, Remus could break things or even hurt his parents without meaning to.
When he was happy, he was literally beaming with joy.
When he was sad, he became completely closed and silent, barely leaving his bed.
Sometimes, he wasn't even feeling anything. Just emptiness.
And the worse was that his mood would change in a second. He could be happy and, the second after, for nothing, became so angry he threw everything around him.
He was “splitting” on people as well. In his eyes, his parents were either gods, the purest people ever, or absolute demons, who were horrible with him.
He had to stop school because of that. At only 6 years old, it was too overwhelming for him to continue. And his parents were scared of the others' reactions. As if it would change something.
He got a lot of scars, during his years at home. Because of his crisis – like his parents told him. He could have crisis of anything : anger, sadness, panic, anxiety, bulimia…
His parents made him try a lot of doctors. Psychiatrists, psychologists, hypnotists….
None of them really worked. Remus had a lot of difficulties to open to strangers. Even if writing was helping him a lot.
Until the new doctor. One with a Spanish accent.
“I think your son has what we called Borderline Personality Disorder”
Remus didn't know how to react, at first. He said nothing during the rest of the appointment. Not even when the doctor prescribed new pills, something about his depressing mood.
When he got home, he went to his laptop and searched everything he could about it. Symptoms, treatments, causes and consequences…
He got angry. BPD people were apparently called abusive. They had an other view of the world than “normal” people. It was a permanent disorder : you couldn't cure this, you have to get used and learn how to live with it.
But it was the answer to everything. His crisis, his mood swings, his thoughts, his comportment…
He stayed few days completely silent, deep in thoughts. He didn't know what to do. Now that they have the good diagnosis, the docs knew what to do, in theory. It was the first step to a better life, at least he was hoping.
Remus surprised his parents when he asked, four days after the appointment, at dinner.
“So, I'll return to school, now that we know why I'm like this ?"
"You want to return to school ? Are you sure about this ?" Asked Hope, too anxious for her son like always.
"I kinda miss it, from what I can remember. And if I can learn how to control… I could, right ?”
So, the day after that discussion, Hope and Remus did some research. Since they were living in the countryside, away from everything – the nearest city was almost an hour away – they looked for a boarding school. Maybe one with special features for mental illnesses, at least a good infirmary.
It took almost two weeks for them to find Hogwarts.
It was a boarding school, near to Scotland. It was a bit expensive, but it has some really good reviews. And Remus would come back for the holidays, like Christmas or summer holidays. And a train from London was doing the trip to that school, which was easier for them.
Hope called them right away. She got the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. She told him everything about Remus – his disorder, the symptoms, that they were trying a treatment but it could be long before they find the right one…
The Headmaster didn't say anything for a while, before offering to meet the little family, to make them visit the school and talk about Remus enrolling here.
Hope accepted and they set a date. Ten days later. Dumbledore told her to pack Remus' things, in case it goes well.
When Remus went to bed, this night, he was feeling weird. In ten days, he might sleep in another place, a boarding school he would have visited during the day. With schoolmates, professors…
Will he be okay ? Won't he be scared, anxious ? What if he had a crisis ? Who will calm him down, like his mother does ?
He sighed and turned on his tummy, closing his eyes. He has ten days before that. He will find some things, some tips. And he was bored of staying at home all day everyday.