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Liam knew broken, he knew sad, lonely, and he knew Zayn.
Liam had been broken longer than he’d like to admit. If you asked him in 2011 if he was sad, If he was in love. He would say yes because he was sad and in love, but with Danielle. He didn’t know yet.
He was naive, he was young
He wishes he could go back. It was easy. People were nice. People liked him. And Zayn was single.
Liam didn’t realize Zayn was broken too. If he would have noticed how Zayn stared, how Zayn watched him sing, maybe things would be different.
Things would be different. They wouldn’t be broken beyond repair. They might even be together.
Liam missed his chance. He didn’t know until it was too late.
***
It was the london premiere and Zayn showed up with Perrie, of course. She had that ring on. Liam noticed it instantly and hadn’t taken his eyes off it all night. Eventually, Perrie came up to him to say hello and wished him the best with Sophia. liam didn't even know Sophia. He’s pretty sure he was told her name was Jessie but Sophia works, maybe that is why she gave him a weird look earlier. Liam felt bad but what was worse is that at the same time, he didn’t feel anything at all.
Louis came up to Liam asking if he was ok a total of 17 times in 2 hours and that made Liam sick. Louis didn’t even know. Did he really look as sick as he felt? Was he as broken on the outside as he was on the inside? Was his skin cracking and revealing his empty and shattered interio? He felt dizzy thinking about people seeing inside him. About Zayn seeing inside him.
Liam tried so hard to hide it. He was rotten, a carcass of what he used to be. All because of Zayn.
Zayn broke him.
But he broke Zayn first.
He felt terrible. He ruined Zayn before he even had the chance to stop it. Liam didn’t know it was happening. They were so young and so dumb. And suddenly him and Zayn were staying up until 3am and sneaking out of the X Factor house to look at the stars and debate on which superheroes the other 3 boys matched up too.
And now they were staying up until 3am in different rooms crying about how they fucked it up.
How Liam fucked it up.
LIam knew it was his fault. if he knew he loved Zayn and knew Zayn loved him he wouldn’t have to deal with Zayn being forced into his engagement because Liam backed out and Louis didn't even think about but told their management to fuck off and give it up.
Liam wished he could be Louis sometimes.
Louis had someone to love him and Louis loved that person just as much.
Liam was even sadder and lonelier thinking about how Zayn was with Perrie while he was all alone.
Liam missed Zayn. They used to be so close. And they still are but its different with Liam because he knows Zayn used to love him so much and he knows he loves Zayn the same amount now. and Zayn’s still stuck in 2011. Zayn doesn't know Liams in love or that Liam knows Zayn was.
Liam was alone
Zayn was trapped
And they were once in love
***
Liam remembers the day after the premiere. He broke again, in front of someone.
It was Harry. Harry was helping him in his cab when Liam told him.
“I love Zayn” Liam whispered to him
He remembers the look Harry gave him. Harry looked mad. Almost.
Liam cried and held onto Harry. He was scared. He loved a boy. A special boy. A special boy who he missed out on. Liam was stupid. Liam told Harry he hated himself and Harry took him home and held him until he fell asleep. Liam woke up feeling gross and sad and even more broken.
They had interviews that day. confirmations that day, Zayn announced it to the world.
A simple ‘Yeah’ and suddenly Zayn was Perrie’s.
Zayn invited everyone over for drinks at his and Perrie’s that night. Not for the engagement because Zayn didn't want it and everyone knew it.
But for Liam.
They were celebrating Liam having a girlfriend
Halfway through the night Zayn told him good luck and promised him the best man at the wedding if it lasts that long.
Liam threw up in the bathroom about 47 seconds after that.
He remembers locking himself in there and Harry banging on the door.
And then Louis screaming at him for making Harry cry
Niall was confused.
Niall was too happy to understand.
And Zayn
Zayn went to find his key and unlocked the door.
Thats how they found Liam. Curled up and crying, scrubbing at his skin. He didn’t want this anymore. He was like a snake and he wanted to shed this skin. He wanted to shed a layer of his heart. Maybe then he wouldn’t love Zayn. Zayn held onto him, pulling him close and asking what is wrong and what happened and if it was about Sophia.
Liam hated it. Sophia. Zayn asked about her.
At a time like this. He was broken and scared and sad and taken.
He wanted Zayn. Zayn wanted Liam, at one point. He forced himself to get over Liam. He tried to enjoy Perrie. He didn't want to pine forever. And Liam found out way too late. LIam found out somewhere in between pinning and perrie.
He was a few months too late.
And Zayn was a few months too early.
They danced around each other.
And stumbled over each others feet before their lives caught on with a tap on the shoulder and whisked them in different directions.
Liam was sad and old.
He had grown up since he first met Zayn.
And he hated it.
He would give anything to go back to early 2011 and just be Liam again
They were Liam and Zayn and they were in love and the whole world knew.
Well except for Liam.
Liam would give anything for Zayn to love him again. Anything for Zayn to touch him again. For Zayn to even look at him like he used too. Liam wants to see it. What people talked about. They told him to pay attention to the way Zayn watches him. And when Liam finally understood what they meant he was too late and Zayn wasn’t his to love.
He was selfish.
Forever scares Liam. With Danielle he was so scared to think about a family or even a house together. But he isn’t scared about his forever anymore. Because forever with Zayn sounded happy and welcoming. It sounds nice. and Liam could imagine it.
Liam always wanted a future with Zayn, he had convinced himself it was only as friends though.
He wanted to be with him forever and see every superhero movie with him and stay up late with him reading comics to each other.
Liam misses Zayn.
He misses the Zayn he fell in love with, the Zayn who loved him back
Now all he had was a manufactured version of the boy he loved.
A life size doll form of Zayn.
And if you played with him too often his head would fall off and arms would break off at their joints, just like his sister's Barbies.
Liam missed the Zayn that would serenade him on stage.
who would call him every day they weren’t together.
The Zayn that would come home with Liam on holidays and help his mum make dinner.
Liam wonders how long Zayn loved him.
They met when Liam was sixteen and Zayn was seventeen and now they are both twenty and Liam wonders if three years is a waste of time and if Zayn wasted it all on him.
He remembers the boys teasing Zayn for never being interested in someone at first and then it turned into teasing Zayn about being too interested in someone and Liam knows it was him.
He wishes he knew.
Liam likes to think about how different things could and how if they were together he would be thinking the same thing but with Zayn’s arms around him and his lips on his neck.
Liam wants to punch someone.
He could have had everything he has ever wanted, whether he knew it or not.
He is mad. at himself, at Zayn, at the world, at Perrie, at Danielle, at the other boys, at his parents, at Zayn’s parents, at every single person they had ever met in their whole lives and even some fans.
Everyone makes it so hard. They all knew. He knows they did.
They saw how Zayn looks at him when Liam wasn't looking. They saw Zayn’s jealous looks when other people touched Liam. They saw Zayn sing to Liam, mentally rewiring his brain to fit Liam in. They saw everything while Liam was completely oblivious to it all.
***
Zayn is all he thinks about now. All day, all night. When he is on stage, when he is with Sophia, when he eats breakfast, when he brushes his teeth at night. It feels like zayn has crawled inside his head and made a home there. Liam wishes Zayn would have crawled into his heart instead.
Liam didn’t feel like himself, didn’t recognize that boy in the mirror. Knowing Zayn was loving Perrie instead of him made him sick. Made him sad. It made him lonely. They had some time off until the tour started up and Liam spent it holed up in his flat. At one point the only person he saw was the Chinese delivery guy. Until Harry came by a few weeks later. Liam had wrapped himself up in his room and had been watching every episode of Star Trek on netflix. He barely even noticed Harry was in his house until Harry came into his room, taking one look at Liam and groaning.
“You could fight for him.” Harry told him and walked over, turning off the tv and pulling Liam up so he was standing. “Take a shower, shave, get dressed, I’m gonna clean up.” He told Liam before sighing and turning away.
Liam did as he was told, running a hand over his hair, he needed to change it. He pulled on his clothes, tidying up the room before going to find Harry. Harry had cleaned the living room and was working on Liam’s kitchen.
“He asked about you.” Harry said simply and went back to washing the dishes. Liam plopped down on a chair, sighing softly.
“What did he want to know?” Liam asked, focusing on his jeans more so than Harry.
“What was wrong and why you won’t talk to him.” Harry told Liam, glancing up before grabbing another plate to clean. Liam stayed silent, waiting for Harry to say something else. “I told him.” Harry added after a moment of silence. Liam’s head shot up.
“Everything?” He asked and Harry nodded. Liam took a deep breath. “How long ago?”
Harry walked over to him. “About a week and a half.” He said and rubbed Liam’s shoulder. Liam sighed out.
“I can’t go to Australia now.” Liam said. “I can’t ever see him again, Harry!” He said, his voice strained as he looked up.
“Yeah you can, its gonna be okay.” Harry promised and went back to cleaning. Liam dropped his head to his hands, Zayn hasn't tried to talk to him for a week and a half. Zayn knows Liam loves him and Zayn knows Liam knows that Zayn did.
Harry frowned and walked over to rub his back.
“Harry, I really wanna just be alone.” Liam sighed softly.
Harry nodded and ruffled his hair, grabbing his things and leaving.
When Liam woke up someone was over. Someone was in the kitchen making breakfast. Liam stumbled out of his room to see. “Mum.” He said softly, rubbing his eyes.
Karen looked back at her son. “Morning Liam.” She sighed out, seeing the bags under his eyes and the marks where he had pinched himself to hard to get rid of the pain.
Liam walked over and sat down at the table “Why are you here?” He asked. He felt bad, he had disappointed her somehow.
Karen sat a plate in front of him. “Got a call from Trisha and decided I should come down to check up on you.” She said and patted his hair. Liam looked up at her with sad eyes..
“What did she say?” He asked and ducked down, trying to focus on the food.
“Well, that Zayn had flew home a bit ago and wondered if I knew why he was acting different.” Karen said and pulled her hand away, sitting across from him. “I told her I didn’t know but I would see if you knew.” She said. “But Trisha called me again, later that week and asked if I knew.” Liam swallowed and pushed his food around. “According to her, Harry told Zayn you’re in love with him and now Zayn won’t talk to anyone but his family.” Karen told Liam. Liam frowned, waiting for her to continue “He was so happy, Liam. He finally found someone he wanted to be with other than you.” She sighed out. Liam pinched the skin off his inner arm, willing himself not to slip up and cry. Karen stood up and walked over, she rubbed his shoulder softly. “Liam, why’d you have to fall in love with him.” She whispered softly, mainly to herself.
Liam reached up and wiped his eyes hurriedly. “Did she say anything else?” He asked.
Karen nodded. “She told me to tell you that she wants you to find someone that you like, that you actually like, before Australia.” She told Liam and sighed.
“So I won’t break his heart?” Liam asked. “I’m pretty sure I’ve already done that a few times.” Liam said, wiping his eyes again. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to tour the world with him knowing he has Perrie, Mum. i wanna quit this.” Liam told her, not looking up.
Karen rubbed his back softly. “No you don’t. you’re just in a bit of a mood.” She tried to assure him.
“I don’t want this, mum. I don’t want the money, or the girls, the fame. I wish none of it happened.” Liam said, clenching his fists. Karen kissed his head and stepped back. “I want to get kicked off at boot camp and never heard from again.” He insisted. “He wouldn’t have enough time to fall in love and I wouldn’t have enough time to break his heart.” Liam told her. “We didn’t have to be like this. It could’ve ended right there, Simon could have made the smarter choice to just kick us off. I wouldn’t hate the world and I wouldn’t have to think about Zayn . I could be happy, with someone else. Maybe I would be engaged by now, like he is. I wouldn’t have this urge to tattoo his name on the inside of my eyelids although its already on the inside of head. I wouldn’t have to feel like shit knowing someone else is there for him and not me. I wouldn’t have to live every fucking day regretting every single day I lived before it.” Liam said, breathing deeply, tears spilling against his empty plate. He stood up, quickly making his way into his bedroom.
He stayed in there, in the same position for 6 hours. His eyes closed, although he was still awake, mentally writing novels about how badly he fucked up everything.
Liam snuck out a little after dinner to get food and see if his mum was still there, she was but she left a note saying she went out to buy him some actual food. Liam snuck a couple beers and a microwave dinner back in his room. He called Louis, if anyone had heard from Zayn, it was Louis.
Liam sighed when Louis answered. “hi, Lou.” he said softly.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Louis asked him abruptly.
“Only Harry knew. He was literally the only person and I just told him. It wasn’t personal.” Liam promised and sighed.
“You were wondering if I talked to him, weren’t you?” Louis asked him, causing Liam to sigh again.
“I know you have, what has he said?” He asked Louis, quietly.
“Before I tell you what he said, you should know you are completely shit for doing this now.” Louis said harshly through the phone, making Liam sigh again. “Anyway, he’s home as you probably know and he’s not left his bedroom in 9 days. Perrie drove up a few days ago and he wouldn’t talk to her and she has no idea what’s going on.” Louis told him. “He has just told me he’s pissed at you and basically he’s just angry.” Louis said.
Liam whined quietly. “I wasn’t ever going to tell him.” he told Louis.
“That’s the problem, mate. You should have told him sooner.” Louis sighed and hung up.
Liam curled up around himself and drank until he couldn’t feel his toes.
Liam woke up the next day, tucked into bed, with an insane headache. He groaned softly and curled back up. He could tell his mum had left after helping him into bed. He realized that once again he was alone and cried for the longest time he ever had. He wasn’t sure if he had meant what he told his mom about not being in the band, but if it meant not falling in love with Zayn a little too late, he probably would pick getting kicked off. He didn’t know how people could handle this type of pain. Sure, he had been through breakups, everyone had, but that feeling wasn’t anything compared to this. It’s like someone had ripped out his heart, stomped on it, and then tried to put it back in. He feels sorry for Zayn, because did he feel that way for 3 years? Was Zayn living through the pain Liam was now, everyday? They needed to talk but Liam didn’t think they could without himself crying.
Liam awoke a few hours later to his phone ringing. He sighed as he answered. “Fix him.” He heard trisha malik say harshly into the line.
Liam groaned quietly. “I don’t want to talk right now.” He told her, trying to sound polite.
“Liam, he won’t talk. Fix him.” Trisha said.
“It’s not my fault! I didn’t tell Harry to tell him!” Liam said, his voice cracking halfway through.
“Oh Liam, you aren’t well either?” She asked.
Liam made a quiet noise. “I’m terrible.” He told her, wiping his eyes.
Trisha sighed quietly. “Would you please drive down here?” She asked him.
Liam whined. “I can’t face him.” He told her, sniffling.
“Yes you can, love, please.” She persuaded him.
Soon Liam had packed a small overnight bag and was on his way to Zayn’s parents house. within a few hours, he had arrived. Trisha went out to greet him. “Zayn doesn’t know you’re coming.” She said and pressed the key to Zayn’s room into his hand. Liam nodded and gave her a quick hug. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered and walked up to the house, slipping upstairs so Zayn’s sisters wouldn’t notice him.
He slowly unlocked the door, peeking in. Zayn was curled up in his bed, just like Liam was at the beginning of the day. He sighed softly and stepped in, locking the door behind him. He knew nothing could wake Zayn, so he slipped his shoes and jacket off and slid in the bed next to Zayn. Liam kept his hands to himself but pressed his chin against Zayn’s shoulder, listening to Zayn breath. Liam stayed awake for hours, until he felt Zayn shift. He instantly closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. He felt Zayn turn quickly to see who was in bed with him and then heard his breath hitch.
“Mum.” Zayn called softly and got up. Zayn sat back down suddenly. “You are the worst fake sleeper ever, but I’m going to let you keep the act up because neither of us want to talk about it.” Zayn said and walked out his bedroom door. Liam smiled softly and sat up. He had missed hearing Zayn’s voice. He glanced up when Zayn walked back in a few minutes later. “So mum invited you?” He asked softly.
Liam nodded. “I wasn’t going to come.” He said and looked up at Zayn.
“You shouldn’t have.” Zayn said and went to sit by him.
“I’m sorry.” Liam whispered and looked down at his hands. Zayn sighed softly. Liam looked up at him. “I really am. About everything, Z.” Liam promised his best friend.
Zayn sniffled and nodded. “How long have you been in love with me?” Zayn asked him.
“Since we met, S just didn’t realize it.” Liam told him, locking their eyes.
Zayn smiled softly. “When did you realize it?” He corrected.
“Only a few months ago.” Liam sighed.
Zayn nodded slowly. “You’re always one step behind.” Zayn said and laid back. “Right when I give you up, you suddenly have to return the feelings, Li. sure, I don’t wanna marry perrie, but I want to be happy and that is how I planned on doing it. I had it all planned out. I would marry her, we would divorce quickly after and then I would find someone who loved me as much as I loved them, and you would be happy with someone else.” He told Liam.
Liam blinked rapidly. “I don’t wanna be happy with anyone else, Zayn.” He said softly.
Zayn leaned back against the his bedroom wall and closed his eyes. “Liam.” He said softly, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to do.” He said, peeking his eyes open.
Liam gave him a sheepish smile. “Couldn’t you just pick me and it would all be okay?” He asked.
“You know I can’t.” Zayn reminded him. “I’m engaged and you’re supposed to be with Sophia.” He told Liam.
“Z, I’m supposed to be with you.” Liam said, his voice faltering a bit.
Zayn frowned and looked at his hands. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this, I have been waiting for three years, Liam. not now, not like this." He told him quietly.
"Zayn, please." Liam begged, it broke his heart to see him breaking Zayn's. He reached over and put his hand on Zayn's knee. Zayn turned away from him.
"Li, seriously. why couldn't you have done this last year? Even a few months ago would work. I was just beginning to forget you." Zayn said. "It was almost over, I was almost done suffering." He told Liam, bitterly
Liam sniffled. "Z, I didn't know! You could have told me." He said, trying to keep his voice down.
"You didn't know how you felt back then, it wouldn't have made a difference if I told you then." Zayn hissed back at him.
Liam curled up around himself. "I'm sorry." He choked out. He hated when Zayn got upset, especially with him.
Zayn sighed again. "i'm gonna call Pezza." He said and lifted himself off the bed and grabbed his phone, walking out into the hall and shutting the door.
Liam heard him sniffle and start talking.
"You were fucking right, he loves me. I should have listened to you and said no while I still could." Zayn croaked into the phone. "He drove down here and I can't fucking take it, Pez."
Liam wiped his eyes and texted Harry.
"I can tell he means it and I just have to keep saying no because we're fucking engaged and no boyband needs this many gay members." Zayn said, leaning against the wall.
Liam waited for Zayn to come back in, and then his phone buzzed.
'you better take fucking good care of my boy, you little shit'
Liam blinked a few times at the message and checked back to see who sent it, that definitely wasn't Harry.
Perrie E.
Liam stared at it a bit longer than he should have. Was perrie giving zayn up? Was she letting Liam finally have him?
Liam heard Zayn’s head fall back against the wall. He sighed loudly and slowly got up. Liam looked up as he heard Zayn open the door, walking back in.
“I really don’t know what to do, Liam.” Zayn told him, sitting in his desk chair. “It’s not as simple as you think.”
Liam pulled his legs against his chest. “Tell me how it felt to like me for so long, even while I was with other people.” Liam told him.
Zayn looked up, a bit confused at the request. “Well, it hurt a lot.” He started. “I don’t really know how to describe it. It was agonizing. I had to get up everyday even if I wanted to lay in bed and pretend that we were together. I had to get up and see you, hear you talk about Danielle and listen to you tell us how you and Danielle would get married and have kids. And it fucking sucked.” Zayn said, looking up. “It made me wanna rip my hair out, honestly.”
Liam nodded. “That’s kinda how I have felt these last few weeks.”
Zayn’s facial features went cold. “Don’t you dare compare a few weeks of your life to three years of mine. Remember how much it hurt to function on those days? Yeah, well I had to do it every fucking day of my life, Liam, and you will never understand how that felt.” He said bitterly.
“I wanted to fucking run away, change my name, just to get away from you, but I knew that no matter what I did, I would always end up right fucking next to you.” Zayn said, slumping back against his chair.
Liam bit hard on his lip. “I’m sorry.” He said softly. “Z, I really didn’t know. I wish I did though, we would have been together already.” He said and smiled sadly.
Zayn shook his head. “You don’t know that.” He sighed out. “If i told you earlier, I doubt we would ever get together.”
“Do you think we ever will?” Liam asked hopefully.
Zayn looked up with sad eyes, he just started at Liam a bit before shaking his head. “I really don’t know, Liam. “ He told him. “It doesn’t seem all that likely at the moment.”
Liam nodded, swallowing hard. “Alright, um, i guess I’ll go home.” He said, dropping his gaze to his knees. “If you don’t want me here, I shouldn’t stay.” He told Zayn, standing up.
Zayn let out a long sigh. “Okay.” He said simply, letting him go.
Liam grabbed his phone and bag, hurrying out to his car. He shoved his bag in roughly and got in. He fumbled around with his keys, dropping them a few times. Eventually, his vision was too blurred with tears to even see his keys. He dropped his head to his hands, sniffling a few times before letting out a loud sob. He pulled his feet up against his chest, his shoulders shaking as he cried. He buried his face in his elbow, trying to stop crying. Liam heard someone tap on his window softly.
“Liam.” he heard Trisha whisper.
Liam took a few deep breaths and looked up, wiping his eyes. He rolled down his window a bit. “Yes?” He asked, his throat feeling tight as he squeezed the words out. Trisha frowned softly and reached out, patting his cheek softly.
‘It’s alright, honey, he will come around.” she comforted.
Liam snorted softly and shook his head. “i don’t think he will.”
“He was the one who told me to come check on you.” she whispered softly.
“If he cared enough he would come check on me himself.” Liam said, bitterly.
Trisha gave him a sad smile. “don’t leave, he really does want you here.” she promised
Liam sniffled a few times before nodding. “A-alright.” he agreed. he slowly rolled up the window and climbed out of the car again.
“It’s late, you can sleep in the guest bedroom.” she said and squeezed his hand softly.
Liam nodded and wiped his nose on his sleeve, walking up after her. He took a deep breath before stepping back inside the house. He quickly passed Zayn’s room and went into the guest room. He closed the door and slipped his shoes off, getting in the bed and under the covers. Liam got control of himself and curled up, falling asleep.
Liam woke up the next morning, very warm. he blinked his eyes a few times, adjusting to the light and glancing around. Zayn was curled up against his chest, arms around Liam’s waist, legs tangled with his.
Liam ducked his head, smiling softly. He pressed a soft kiss to Zayn’s head, Zayn shifted slightly before opening his eyes.
“I lied, it might work out.” Zayn whispered to him, before closing his eyes again and snuggling even closer to Liam.
//fin//