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Hope appears unexpectedly sometimes. It springs up on you suddenly and you feel invincible. You start seeing yourself as the lion; no longer the fleeing antelope being chased down by unrelenting predators. You’re flying and you’re dancing, and no one can stop you. It can happen in a complex way but it can also happen in the simplest of ways. All it takes is some patience. You don’t even need to know what you want in life because, once you’ve found it, it’ll suddenly dawn on you that it’s the right path, or the right choice, or the right person. Hope happens like that, and you’ll only know if you’ve experienced it for yourself. Keep an open mind and hope will be on its journey to you, in its own time and its own way.
~ xo ~
It was a Thursday night when I called Gerard. We’d been boyfriends for almost a year, but seeing each other on school nights had quickly become off-limits unless we wanted to fall asleep in class the following day. That evening was different though; I’d felt something change inside me as I was eating my dinner, and suddenly I felt like all my future intentions were possible and my thoughts had shifted to a permanent view of positivity.
“Hey, Frankie. What’s up?” Gerard answered, his half-sleepy voice sounding concerned. It was fairly late when I called, almost ten, and I’d already spoken to him over the phone earlier. That was before dinner – but ‘before dinner’ was before my feelings had changed.
“I just w– wanted to say that I love you.” I replied. I heard my boyfriend chuckle.
“Frankie, you said that at least twice when you last called, but I love you too.” He told me cheerfully. I could hear the smile in his voice, that tiny-toothed grin that I adored so much.
“It’s not just that though. I just– Well… Ugh, it’s so hard to explain.” I huffed, frustrated with how the best feelings in the world were the most difficult to describe. “Can you come over? I wanna talk to you properly.”
“I guess I could sneak out. You really wanna risk falling asleep in class again?” Gerard asked, emphasising that it’d be at least the fifteenth time since we had started dating that we’d go to school like zombies.
“Yeah, this is important.” I affirmed, getting butterflies in my stomach.
I could hear Gerard shuffling around at the other end of the call, shoving his uniform into a bag and realising he’d stopped talking, so adding a commentary to his gathering.
“All done.” He announced and I heard the bag being zipped up.
“Could you pack an extra– ?”
“An extra one of my hoodies for you? Yeah, I already got one.” He giggled.
“If you weren’t my boyfriend, I’d say that was creepy.” I laughed. He knew me almost too well.
“Okay, Frankie, I’ll be there before you can say ‘jack-o-lantern’.”
Creeping down the stairs and the hallway as quietly as I could, I realised the living room was still illuminated with the flashing of the tv show that my mom was watching. I relaxed, stepping in and catching mom’s attention.
“Gerard’s staying over, is that okay? It’s kinda important.” I asked her, playing with the hem of my t-shirt.
“Of course. I don’t really want another letter from school saying that you’ve been napping again, but if it’s important then yes, of course he can stay, honey.” She smiled. “Mind me asking why it’s important?”
“Oh, we just need to talk about a few things; it’s kinda annoying over the phone.” She nodded at me again, opening her arms so I’d go over to her. I leaned down to hug her and she kissed my cheek.
“Try not to stay up too late.” She whispered, squeezing my shoulder and letting me leave as Gerard rang me again to say he’d arrived.
I opened the door to Gerard, already in his pyjamas and t-shirt with his fiend-skull hoodie over the top and a backpack held on one shoulder, his car parked on the drive. He stepped in, hugging me tight and walking down the hall like it was his own home. I closed the door and followed.
“Hi, Linda.” He greeted mom quietly, sticking his head around the living room door. Turning back to me, he offered me his hand and I took it, leading him up to my room.
After switching my bedside lamp on, I turned off the ceiling light and pulled my bed covers back, chatting to Gerard all the while as he set his bag down and took off his shoes.
“So, what was so important that you wanted to see me?” He questioned. I took both his hands and made him sit on my bed with me. He cut in just as I was about to speak. “Ooh, wait a sec.” With that, he clambered to the foot of my bed and hung from the edge of it, rummaging in his backpack. Sitting back up, he grinned and helped me into the spare hoodie he’d brought with him. It was his favourite: his black Smashing Pumpkins hoodie with the heart logo on the back and ‘Adore’ written across the front. I pulled the front up to my face, breathing it in and smelling Gerard on it. It smelled like comfort. He smiled at me, giving that slow-blink that only happens if someone looks at you and they love you unconditionally. Slipping my hands comfortably into the kangaroo-pocket, I watched as Gerard reached his hand behind me and pulled the hood up over my head, pressing his finger lightly to the tip of my nose and giggling. Scooting closer, he wrapped his arms around me and we kissed. I felt myself blushing as he drew back.
Tugging on Gerard’s hoodie sleeve, I made him sit against the upright pillows with me and I drew the cover up to our waists, sitting snug and close because my bed was halfway between a double and a single.
“Gee, I called you because I realised something earlier…” I began, twisting a little to face him better as I took his hand. I took my hood off, biting my lip before finally looking up to his eyes.
“What is it? You can tell me anything.” He smiled comfortingly and brought his far hand over to lie on top of our clasped ones.
“It’s that I love you…and I know we say that already, but I realised it properly.”
“How do you mean?” He asked, smoothing his thumb calmly across the back of my hand.
“Well, I was eating dinner, and I suddenly felt like my future was reachable. I felt like everything was just sort of perfect.”
“You feel that because of me?” Gerard sounded surprised, like he didn’t think he was capable of making someone feel special.
“Of course! I started looking back at my life before I was with you, and I realised how happy you make me.”
As I looked up at him again, his face lit up and he was smiling gleefully.
“Ugh, it sounds lame when I say it like that, but I can’t describe it right. It just feels so… so real; so perfect.” I gave a short quiet giggle, pushing my face up to press my nose into his soft cheek. “Sorry that I can’t explain exactly what I’m feeling.” I apologised, kissing faintly at his jaw.
“Aw, Frankie.” He smiled, matching my mumbling giggles. “You know that I love you, right?”
“Of course.” I answered him, tipping my head to the side minutely to encourage him to continue.
“Then you don't have to apologise for anything, okay? If something that I can make you feel is really so indescribable, then that’s all you need to say.” Nuzzling his nose next to mine for a moment, he smiled and then kissed me sweetly.
“It- But-” I whined childishly. “I just want you to know how it feels. How can I make you recognise it if I can't describe it?”
“If it’s really that special, I’m sure I’ll know when I feel it.” Gerard told me, moving his hand to my hip to squeeze it lovingly and lean easier into our tender kisses.
Moments later, Gerard was scooting down to sit more comfortably against the pillows and pulling lightly on my arm so I’d follow. I curled up against his chest, feeling his arms fold firmly around me. I hadn’t realised how tired I was until I felt my eyelids start to droop and my head begin to rest heavier on my boyfriend, listening to his heartbeat working wonders as a natural lullaby, beating especially for me. Smiling sleepily up at him, I tried to tell him that I loved him but it ended up as a love-laced mumble while he kissed my forehead.
~ xo ~
I was woken suddenly by an urgent hand being placed on my arm.
“Hmm? Late f’school?” I asked as I opened my eyes, trying to clear the fog of my comfortable sleep out of my brain in case we really were late. Further confusing myself, I realised that it was still dark besides the dim lamp next to my bed. Gerard squeezed my shoulder. Scrubbing my eyes and clearing my throat, I backed away from his chest a little to look up to him. The confused frown left my face, leaving wide eyes. “Wh– You okay, Gee?” I lifted my fingertips to the side of his neck in worry; there were tears glistening in his eyes and he was biting down on his lip to stop it from quivering. He laughed quietly, letting go of the teeth pressing into his lip and smiling quickly. A tear left each eye before he sniffed the rest back and I brushed my thumbs across his cheeks to wipe them away.
I drew my eyebrows up at him questioningly, still concerned.
“I feel it too, Frankie. I felt it just now.” He answered quietly, whispering. Something lifted in me – the same feeling of hope ran through me, exactly as I’d felt before. Butterflies awoke in my stomach.
“How did you realise?” I felt like I could have cried too. I encouraged him to take the hand off my shoulder and I twisted my forearm around his to interlock our fingers tightly, holding our clasped hands up to my face.
“Well, I guess I was just thinking about stuff like you were, but then I looked at you properly.” He paused, smiling adorably. He continued when I squeezed my fingers down around his. “...I’ve never seen you smile in your sleep like that.”
“Can you describe it?” I asked, curious to see if it was just as difficult for him as it was for me.
“Well, it’s like nothing can stop us. All the jerks at school don’t matter – and I can do anything I want to – and it doesn’t matter if the world ends right now because I’ll have felt like this for even these few seconds – and I love you impossibly more than I did before.”
With that, I closed the gap between us and kissed Gerard, knowing he’d felt exactly the same thing as I had.
“I feel kinda silly for not knowing how to say it before.” I admitted. “I’m glad you understand it now though.”
“We’ve both felt it though.” He replied, making me pause my smile and give him a confused look. “Well, maybe I couldn’t understand it before because I hadn’t felt it yet. Maybe you only understand my description because you already know how it feels.” That made sense to me. He kissed me softly and we relaxed into the pillows again.
Lying there quietly together, Gerard’s finger traced the letters of ‘Adore’ written across my chest and then he began to sing quietly.
“It’s you that I adore...”
“You’ll always be my whore– oh. Maybe just stick with the first line.” I smiled.
“We could go with ‘To Sheila’ instead – I really like the chorus.” He suggested.
“You make me real.” I sang, feeling it in my heart as the notes came out, hushed, only meant for my boyfriend’s ears.
“Perfect.” He said as he rested his forehead on mine for a moment before turning it into a kiss.
“I really do love you, Gee, with all my heart.” I told him, confident and true.
“I love you with all my heart too, Frankie, more than ever.” He squeezed me tight.
~ xo ~
Hope happens like that: unexpected and beautiful. All you have to do is be patient and keep a look out for it. One day, you’ll feel unstoppable in your journey towards greater things, and you must seize the opportunity to hold onto that feeling. That way, no one will ever be able to take it away from you.