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For Mercy has a human heart,
Pity a human face,
And Love, the human form divine,
And Peace, the human dress.
- William Blake.
She stumbled on the way into class that morning. Mr Graham's eyes snapped towards her briefly as it she leaned heavily against the doorframe. The pain that has been at a high throb all week had now increased to an unbearable level. She could barely walk. As she fell into her seat in the upper right quadrant. Bile rose in her throat as the agony in her jaw flared abruptly. she swallowed it down. Terrified for a moment that she’d vomit right there. Its December 22nd. the last day of class before holiday break and she actually made it to every lecture.
This was not new pain. What started as a dull toothache, over the months, had developed into a furnace in her head, throat, ears and jaw. I have a fever , with dehydration, nauseous, haven't eaten in days… I should be in bed…. So why aren't I? I can't afford to miss class. I literally can't afford to. If she didn’t have a perfect streak of attendance she risked her scholarship. She’d worked very hard for a full ride and couldn’t afford less than perfection. Couldn’t afford a sick day, couldn’t afford a dentist, couldn’t afford the student insurance premium. Nothing unusual there. There were a lot of things she had never been able to afford. A medical plan was one of them.
So that free ride was something she clung to for dear life. With her quietness and ambition. Her good bag and, cheap shoes.
Trying to shed the stink of poverty.
Will came back to himself suddenly. Back to his desk. He had only been looking for a few seconds but he felt as though he’d been staring at the girl for hours. He hurriedly looked down at his papers, as was his wont when teaching a class. hopefully none of his students had noticed.
She was very young looking, serious, pale, sharp featured, and focusing entirely on containing her misery in silence, her face pinched in pain.
What the hell is her name?
Casting a brief eye around the lecture hall he realised he didn't know any of his students names. Not for the first time, he regretted his problem with eye contact. Then he remembered why he had the aversion in the first place. because whenever he looked… He looked. Then before he knew it he was pulled into someone else's problem. He couldn't ignore it now. He'd have to do something.
" Today we'll watch a short documentary on the environmental and genetic causes of paraphilia." . He told the room at large. He didn't like doing it, their disappointment was almost palpable on the air.
" Then afterwards I'll explain what they got wrong." He smiled briefly. There were a couple of huffs of amusement from the room.
He started the projector then sat in a corner searching his laptop for her student file.
Clarice M. Starling: Double majoring in psychology and criminology.
He did a double take at her year of birth. 18 years old. He almost whistled. He didn't agree with GWU's occasional rule bending to admit babies. No matter how intelligent they were. He felt her youth particularly inappropriate for her chosen majors. Both requiring a certain degree of emotional maturity.
This girl must have finished high school at 15. Then worked herself to death to achieve a full scholarship. This was one smart, and desperate, kid.
And not coping at all, obviously. He thought back to his early days as a student. In much the same financial circumstances as Clarice Starling. Having no safety net to fall back on had driven him forward. But the fear of failure and devotion to studying also led to an extreme lack of sociability. Even for him.
She hadn't caught his eye before, she flew well under the radar. Never made a sound or raised a hand. Although none of them did, intimidated by his off putting manner as they were.
After his evisceration of the documentary he dismissed the class. As the room emptied Will watched the girl carefully as she slowly rose from her seat, swayed slightly, then sat down again, stifling a groan, closing her eyes. He pocketed his aspirin bottle, always kept in his desk drawer, and took his glass of water, it was untouched as he hadn't had cause to talk much. He also took his wastepaper bin, walked up the stairs to her seat and placed the three items in front of her on the desk.
She jumped violently and clutched her jaw at the sudden movement. Staring up at him in a moment of genuine fear. Will was back in her head suddenly. Looking at himself standing over her.
I flinched because wasn't paying attention , consumed by the pain in my head, but its more than that. I'm afraid. Not just because Because Mr. Graham is a notorious grumpy bastard. But because he holds the key to my future in his hands. I live or die by his pass or fail. This man's approval means I get to fulfil my purpose. He holds and immense power over me and…
Will swallowed a lump in his throat at the realisation.
And I have not been served well by authoritarian men in the past.
He made and attempt at a reassuring smile and pulled the chair beside her out to a safe distance before sitting down.
"Miss Starling?" He said softly.
The girl made a tragic attempt at a polite smile and reached over to shake his hand. It was shaking and far too warm.
He didn't beat around the bush.
" You're sick."
"Oh… Oh no sir I'm fine, thank you I just felt faint for a mo…"
He held the wastepaper bin out to her as she gagged suddenly. She took it from him and curled over it in her lap but nothing came up. She was shaking violently and clearly blinking back tears.
"The only reason you're not vomiting from pain right now is that you haven't had anything to eat or drink in far too long." He said, trying not to sound too severe. “I’m guessing it hurts too much to have anything in your mouth…Toothache?"
She nodded " You really are a profiler." She muttered. " I think it started that way but its more than toothache now."
" How can I help?" He asked. Not wanting to impose his will on her unless absolutely necessary.
" Oh…" She gasped suddenly, turning her face into the bucket. " Oh I'll be fine sir. I'll head to the dentist in a while."
Don't let him see… He can't know how desperate I am. How vulnerable.
"Clarice If you were capable of doing that you'd have done it days ago." He said sadly. She looked him in the eye then, expecting disproval or condescension but instead faced with a look of pure pity and concern…Which was somehow worse… She hadn't had anyone look at he like that for a very long time. She turned her head away again. To hide the tears. Trying not to breathe.
Will wanted more than anything to put a comforting hand on her shoulder but he knew better than to touch a student without their consent, even under these circumstances. Human resources would potentially be all over him.
" Please let me help you." He said quietly. "You can't go on like this."
She recognised the truth in his words. And became acutely aware of the fact that she couldn't even stand on her own right now. "You could help me back to my dorm" she sobbed. " Please."
" First take these." He said, emptying several aspirin into his palm. " open your hand." He tipped them into her trembling hand. " I know you don't want to put anything in you mouth right now but try to swallow them." He told her in a steady voice. She put the pills in her mouth and, when she proved unable to lift it without spilling, he held the glass to her lips.
"Try just a small sip." He told her. "It won't be very cold."
He cringed at the animalistic sound she made when the water hit her teeth. Despite himself he instinctively reached out and put his arms around her. "There now, good girl." He said as though he were talking to an injured dog. She was crying. Rocking back and forth. He sat there holding her for a few minutes waiting to see if the painkillers would make her sick or stay down. Knowing they wouldn't make much of a difference but, at this point, anything was worth a try. When her rocking movements and sobbing stilled a little he moved his hand to the underside of her elbow and helped her to stand.
"Easy." He whispered. " Thats it. Come on now, lean on me."
She was silent and deathly pale as they made their painfully slow way out of the building, No one there but the night watchman now. Who asked if they were ok.
"A sick student." Will explained as they shuffled passed. "I'm taking care of it."
She didn't realise where she was being taken until he lowered her into the passenger seat of his car.
" Oh… She whispered. " My dorm is.."
" You're going to the clinic with me." He told her.
"N.. No! " She made to stand again. " You… Don't have to do that sir…"
He gently pushed her shoulders down. Then crouched down to be level with her face. " Yeah I really do. " He told her. " My conscience won't let me leave you like this."
As he drove to the clinic she crouched against the passenger side door hugging herself. He could see her jaw spasming in his peripheral vision
"I can't afford this." She whimpered.
"Don't worry about it." He said. " You don't need to think about that."
"You don't understand." She said swallowing painfully. "I have no in… Insurance."
"I know." he muttered. " Its ok. I'll sort it out."
She hid her face in her hands.
I cannot… Cannot be indebted to this guy… Not to him.
He could almost hear her thoughts. No matter. He could clarify later, that he didn't want anything from her.Who taught you that basic human decency has a price? He wondered. As the traffic lights threw their pale faces into green and red relief.
Will hated clinics. Doctors, dentists, psychiatrists the entire medical profession was something he avoided like the plague. Maybe because all his life needing them had been a worst case scenario. The final straw, the thing that would bankrupt ruin his father. Even though he was meticulous about health insurance as soon as he got his first job. He couldn't shake the fear of it.
While he waited for the girl at the dental surgeons office Will went though the unpleasant process of explaining the insurance situation, and was let off the hook only when he left two sets of credit card details at reception. He was angry, to say the least, that the admissions board hadn't helped the kid with some kind of basic coverage.
His heart sank when he saw the nurse come out without Clarice.
"If you'd be kind enough to follow me sir…"
The dental surgeon, a small sombre man with a tag the read Dr Cavell ushered him into an office just off the surgery.
"She's recovering, She was very nervous. We had to give her a general anaesthetic." He explained. " She signed a HPPIA waiver for you, since you'll be paying. You should know whats going on."
" I'm guessing an abscess?" Will replied.
"It was." Dr. Cavell, scratching the back of his neck. " But it was left untreated too long and there seems to be some infection in the bone now too. I had to pull the molar. She'll need strong antibiotics and painkillers for a few weeks. And regular follow ups. A bone infection is no small matter. To be honest Mr Graham. She belongs in hospital."
"She has no insurance. And… Well.. I'm a teacher. I cant afford to pay for it privately."
"Oh I understand that Mr. Graham. Theres no practical question of her getting the care she needs. The best option for her, if you're willing, would be for you to take her home to her parents. Home care will have to do. I'm assuming from the state of her mouth they wouldn't be able to afford the medication themselves. But if you were willing…"
"Wait…" Will's heart was sinking. " What do you mean the state of her mouth?"
"Well… To be honest Mr Graham, I see cases like this from time to time, neglect cases we call them. The teeth aren't formed properly, sign of malnutrition in childhood, and…Well, she's clearly never had any dental work done, and needs quite a bit."
"She's never visited a dentist before?"
"No, my guess is that she's either from extreme poverty or sub standard state care."
No parents to fall back on. Probably no family to speak of. No friends either, because she was staying at the dorm on the first night of winter break. Alone. Shit.
The doctor fiddled with prescriptions, antibiotics, painkillers and tranquillizers. When Will asked about them he was informed that they would help her sleep, and that she had shown an lot of anxiety while in the surgery.
Will felt bad that he hadn't gone in with her. Imagining how alone she must have felt. Remembering his own first visit to the dentist and how terrified he'd been. And he hadn't been sick.
She was groggy afterwards, and needed to be wheeled out to his car. He thanked the nurse as he helped her in, She was aware but her eyes were glassy from the painkillers. She had a strong chemical smell about her from the anaesthesia, throat too sore for discussion. She soon dropped off. Will looked at her sleeping form out of the corner of his eye, and counted his options.
He could take her back to the dorm, and care for her there. And have the board of management crawling up your ass, his brain supplied, when they realise you're hanging around the girls dorm at all hours of the night. But why shouldn't he? They could like it or lump it. This whole sorry situation was their fault anyway.
He suddenly felt angry. Holliday break. Lucky in that it would give her a bit of a head start in her recovery before classes began again. But she should have been on her way home to a loving family. Instead shed be lying alone in a dark, empty building with occasional visits from him with pills and soup. Had none of her dorm mates asked her to come home for Christmas with them? Were they that self centred? Didn't they notice her loneliness? Not at all?
He had an overwhelming urge to take her home to his little house in Wolf Trap. Look after her there. But he knew he couldn't take this girl, with her frightened eyes out there to the middle of nowhere. Could he?
**********
She had opened her eyes when the car stopped outside a small house. The full moon illuminated fields and woods beyond them.
Where the hell has he taken me? She wondered, feeling both afraid and resigned. If he was going to try something she was in no state to fight him. Not drugged up as she was, in the middle of nowhere. Of course there was always the possibility he was just a good person. Was he? Do those exist?
“Clarice?”
She turned her head slowly. He was looking at her with the strangest expression on his face. It took her a moment to see tears glossing his eyes.
"It’s OK. I promise. I won’t do anything to hurt you.” He choked out. “ Just say the word and I’ll take you back to your dorm. Or you can stay at my house on the fold out couch… Either way I have to feed my dogs first.”
“ Where are we?” She whispered.
“ Wolf Trap, in Fairfax.”
“ Thats a while away from Campus.”
“ It isn’t that far. I really don’t mind taking you back. But I think its safer for you to be supervised after anaesthesia.”
She nodded. He meant what he said. When the man actually looked you in the eye he had a glass face. There was no lie there. She allowed him to escort her inside the creaking building. They were immediately greeted by a pack of curious but polite dogs.
“ Wait… I should have asked.” Will stammered “You’re not allergic or afraid of them are you?”
“ No” She wheezed a laugh through the drugs. “ I love them.”
“ Great! He exclaimed with genuine relief. “Everybody.” He indicated the dogs, who stood adorably in a row. “ This is Clarice. Clarice this is Everybody… Damn! Its cold in here! Why didn’t one of you make a fire?” He asked the dogs with a smile.
He got her settled in a ratty old armchair with a thick woollen blanket, then set some kindling burning in the fireplace and went into the kitchen to feed the pack. Who followed his every move as though he were their God. She could hear him talking to them like they were people. And they yapped and growled back at him as the conversation required. She stared at the scratched kitchen door. This was an entirely different house than the one she’d have imagined for him. This was an entirely different person than the one she knew from class. It was as though he came alive in this strange little house, surrounded by dogs.
He emerged from the kitchen with a tray “ You must be thirsty. I have ice water, no straws, sorry. It says not to in the literature they gave you at the clinic.” He said. “I stopped at the 7-Eleven while you were sleeping. I have ice cream and jello for you… Here.” He placed a tray on her lap. “ Nothing solid for three days. And don’t swish the water in your mouth you might disturb the clot… Sorry… Thats disgusting word to use when you’re about to eat.”
“ Th… Thank you…” She stammered. “Really…You didn’t have to do any of this for me. ”
“ I didn’t have to.” He acknowledged, as he put a log on the fire. “ But I wanted to… It’s my privilege that I can help another human being. Not everyone is so lucky.” He kept moving, searching through wooden trunks and closets for bedding, folding out the couch and making her bed for her.
if Clarice hadn’t been so astonished by this declaration she would have laughed at his earnestness. So… People like this exist then. Who knew?
When he was done he sat in the other chair by the fire, opposite hers and regarded her for an uncomfortable moment. If she hadn’t been high on drugs she would have looked away.
“ So can you relax and eat your dinner and stop being sacred of me now?” He asked her bluntly.
“ I’m not scared of you Mister Graham.” She replied. I’m seriously confused by you though.
“ I understand.” He told her. His voice barely above a whisper. “ I was just like you once.”
That did surprise her. She looked up at him, spoon hanging out of her mouth.
“ Until I was twenty one years old I thought it was normal to be in pain all the time. That it was just part of life. My Dad…” He paused and looked into the fire. “ He tried his best. He really did, to make a living. To save for my future, he worked himself to the bone just to feed me.. Lets just say the American Dream was a fairy tale to us. You know all about that.”
She nodded her head slowly. The fire warmed her chilled body and she carefully swallowed another spoonful of jello, immersed in his story.
“ When I got my first job with health plan I had to go to a dentist for a check up. I’d never seen one before. I don’t remember being that nervous in my whole life.” He swallowed thickly. “ But after that the pain went away and I realised… Well I realised what I’d been missing out on… You know, even though I knew I’d grown up poor… Until then I don’t think I really felt poor.”
“ This was my first time at a dentist.” She said softly. “ The orphanage were supposed to provide us with one but they never did.”
He nodded. Staring into the fire. “Don’t let it be the last. I’ll have a word with the accounts department about your insurance. We’ll sort something out.”
“ Thank you.” She breathed. “ I mean it.”
xxxxxxxxxxxx
He gave her an old T-shirt to sleep in, and she spent the night on the old fold out couch, in warmth, beside the embers of the fire, surrounded by snoring dogs. The next morning he gave her yogurt for breakfast and the leaflets on dental care the clinic had provided. Then he told her that she was always welcome in his home, and he was there should she need him.
She hadn’t availed of that offer. But they conversed after class sometimes , she passed everything with flying colours, and somehow she had insurance for the rest of the semester. She felt a sense of strange safety in knowing him, even though she could hardly say they were friends. He was always “ Mister Graham”.
He also gave her a glowing reference for FBI training which she had handed to Jack Crawford. That was why Jack had called her in today.
“Agent Starling?”
“Hello Sir.” She replied “ Its been a long time.” She smiled tightly as she shook his hand.
“Agent, have a seat. I assume you know why I’ve called you in today?”
“I heard.”
“Unfortunately Freddie Lounds got ahold of the story somehow. I’m guessing she hacked us.”
“Oh Jesus really?”
“Yeah.” He sighed, there was genuine sadness in it. He rummaged through his iPad and handed the tablet to her. “ We got an injunction to get her to take it down but its too late. People know.”
She flipped through the photographs. Panama City, at a crowded balcony cafe, hand in hand. looking out over the railing. There he was, there was no mistaking him, even with the sunglasses. Will Graham. Will Graham who had supported her as she struggled to walk, and paid for her healthcare, and put her to bed in his living room beside his fire on a cold December night just because he could. Who had written her such a stunning reference the FBI couldn’t refuse her.
Will Graham holding hands with a Serial killer.
The other man’s sharp, predatory features she recognised from her criminology classes. The accounts of his many crimes deeply ingrained in her psyche.
“You knew Will?” Jack asked.
“A little.” She replied.
“ what was your impression of him, as a person?”
“ He was…” She struggled for a moment. “ He was compassionate… And lonely.”
Jack nodded sadly. “ I knew him. As much as anyone could. He hid a lot of himself from everyone, including him. And I know it was partly my fault for pushing him the way I did, for using him, for…” He suddenly looked down and wiped his eyes. The next words came out choked with grief.
“ For not protecting him from that monster…” Jack breathed slowly to avoid weeping. “ See I knew him… And I should have seen what was going on and saved him. But I was hungry for justice and just pushed and pushed and pushed him into the abyss.”
“ Sir… You can’t take responsibility for his actions.”
“ Can’t I?” He snapped bitterly. “What happened to that compassionate, lonely man you knew? Was that a man capable of setting up house with a psychopath?”
She didn’t hesitate “ No he was not Sir.”
“ And was that a man who could aid in a murder.”
“ Dolarhyde could have been self defence…” She argued.
“Thats what they say, or that Lecter killed him alone and abducted Will. Thats not what I believe now that I’ve seen those pictures.”
“Were they in love?”
Jack scoffed “Lecter can’t feel love, and Will…”
“And Will Graham can’t feel anything else.” She supplied. “ He understands Lecter. He can’t help it, even after everything Lecter did to him.”
“I had no Idea how deep it went. But I should have. I should have known I wasn’t dealing with a fully rational person in Will. Especially after he headed to Italy looking for him. ”
“So we’re essentially talking about a Stockholm case.”
“Worst you’ve ever seen. That why I called you. Your reputation alone overqualified you but I wanted someone who knew Will… Before.”
“For what assignment?”
“It’s off the books. I’m taking a sabbatical and so are you.”
“For what assignment Sir?” She insisted.
“ I’m going down there, and so are you if you’ll come.”
Her eyes widened. “ We’re going to Panama?”
“ We’re going to save Will Graham.” Replied Jack.